Ex partner galavanting the world while I raise the children alone

Presumably your ex-husband earns a good salary so you get your fair share? If not, you need to fix that.

Agree with the pp who said contact his mum / family and see if they can help you get any down time. Just because he is a shit doesn’t mean they are and you & your kids could really benefit from their support. So maybe you could reach out to his mum or family and say you would be grateful of any help / time with the children and you’d like to make sure there is a strong relationship there for the kids. That’s a win win for you in every way if they respond positively. Xxx

My DH’s dad was a crappy Disney dad.
Now his dad is in his 70s, DH in his 30s. We are parents now and so is dh’s sister - none of us make much effort for their crappy dad. He doesn’t get to benefit from our lives / relationships or seeing the grandchildren much. I don’t know if he cares or not; but I know it’s his loss and he has a sad life missing all of these important family ties. So take some solace that when everyone is grown up, they will see him for what he really is.

As an adult would you accept presents from someone who otherwise was a shitty presence in your life?? Not really.. your kids haven’t learnt that yet but they will. His shallow ways won’t be able to sustain the relationships for all their lives.

As a pp said - maybe try and change your thinking - there is no fairness, there’s no ‘moral’ judge along the way. But there is the future outcomes which are influenced by our behaviours- you know in good faith you have always done the best for them and that will last. His methods won’t go the distance.

lots of luck to you. You sound like a wonderful mother xxxx

@Mumbojumboh do you have family in the UK?

I'd sooner have had my children than have fancy dinners and stay in hotels a lot for work.

You say his mum made him come back when you were in hospital. Is she any sort to you? Does she visit or have her grandkids over?

As the mother of a son, it would cut me to the bone if my ds did this to his own dc. It would honestly break me watching the boy I raised to be a man behave in such a way.

Take heart @Mumbojumbohthat everyone in his life knows what a piece of shit he is. They may not tell him. They may act as if all is cool. But they know.

You are building a life with your dc that can never be replaced. But you can not run yourself ragged. Is there any way that in the next school holidays you can use the babysitter not just for when you are working but to give you a little bit of down time? Even if it is just one afternoon?

Priority for me would be to ensure you get every penny you're entitled too in Child maintenance so you can afford a babysitter.Then contact his mum and your family saying Iaying out how burnt out you are because of his lack of care and ask them to have the kids for overnights and breaks. If I'm honest I wouldn't be able to get over the bitterness towards him, I've never been able to take the high ground, so respect to you for trying op and also for being such a great parent.

I do hope he is at least contributing financially.

Can understand the resentment - you sound burnt out and exhausted. Do you have a support network? Parents, school mums, friends, siblings?
Yes, it's hard work now but it will get easier. They will grow up, become more and more independent, and then you will have more time for yourself.
In my view, you have kept everything good from your relationship - the children and a home. His lifestyle of hotels & nights out may seem carefree & exciting, but it's also a fairly soulless existence long term.

Cherish the relationship you have with your children, feel proud of raising them practically alone and don't ever show your resentment to them - they will know who was actually there for them everyday, who took them to school, who mopped their brow when they were ill etc etc. IME the Disney dad type don't seem quite so 'fun' when their children are adults, and these men realise they don't really know their children at all, and basically missed out on them growing up.

Does she? You're assuming she should be getting all her life satisfaction from raising these children but that is quite self-sacrificing. Travelling, having a rewarding career, money, prioritizing yourself 24/7, all sounds pretty good.

Women are just presumed to not be selfish. In fact, we're left with no choice. Yes, she could leave the children in an orphanage altogether. But that's a pretty nuclear option. What her exH did was leave them in the knowledge that they are with a loving parent who cares for them. She doesn't have that option as he took it away from her.

So now she's not allowed to moan about how she has nothing for herself. You're also assuming these children will grow up to be wonderful adults who love her and appreciate her and see through the selfishness of their dad. Meanwhile, she's broke, with a limited career, lower pension and probably middle aged and lonely too.

Real happiness is probably somewhere in the middle.

Btw, I go away for work twice a year for 36 hours (I’m on a company’s advisory board). It’s honestly the closest I get to a spa weekend! One day…

OP, just because you are not valued by him, doesn't mean that you are not valuable. You are valuable to your children and you will be the one to have a close relationship with them throughout your life. He is the one missing out.

If at all possible, can you find a decent and reliable babysitter? An older teen daughter of a friend, a local childcare course student? If you can claw back a little bit of time to yourself, it would be a huge benefit. Maybe you could do a babysitting swap with a friend where you have each other's children overnight to give each other a break?

As your children get older, you will be able to regain some free time again. Once they are in secondary school, they become much more independent and will be busy with their friends. Hang in there, you are doing a great job 💐

I hear you. Lone parenting is so often mentally and physically exhausting. Of course you love your kids, but of course you need breaks. And it is SO tough when you don’t get them

Yes, I think everyone would at some stage! No need to be goady about it!

How often does he actually see them? If your children would like to spend more time with him, could you propose that he has them for a period during school holidays, for example? Only if you feel that it would benefit your children, of course.

I have a friend with an ex-husband like this.

Her children are grown up now - they know exactly who did what for them and hold their father in appropriate disdain. They turn up for the cash and little else.

He is in his mid-50s and the years of travelling have taken their toll. He looks utterly miserable.

Thing is, you wouldn’t swap places. Imagine not seeing your children for such long stretches of time and being completely uninvolved in their lives. It’s really appalling.

This. You get to have a meaningful family life, to see your children grow, to watch their milestones and enjoy their company. His life by comparison, may seem glamorous but it is pretty empty.

Its so hard when you had children believing you'd be bringing them up together and your left lone parenting.
My DC were 8, 5 and 3 weeks however 20 odd years letter despite the struggle and hardship you get your rewards when you look at your adult children and realise you did that, you raised them, you were their home and safe place. They see that they really do.

You are totally justified to have a good moan, but you will be the winner in the end. All the graft you have put in will be paid back in spades by the deep connection you will have forged with your children. They will know who was there for them every day without fail, and random treats and expensive gifts can't trump that. Be proud of your commitment and strength.