Ex partner galavanting the world while I raise the children alone

Oh, FFS. RTFT. See what the OP is saying.

It’s not just about hotels 🙄

thing is kids are ungrateful and have short memories. the OPs kids will see fun dad who brings them exciting gifts and lives a glamorous lifestyle - not that he abandoned them and buggered off. They don’t see how tired and stressed their mum is and what she’s had to sacrifice because we lone mums are told to suck it up and not let it show and not tell the kids the truth of it all lest it affects them. They get a tired and probably grumpy mum who makes them brush their teeth and do homework and tells them off

So many now adults I know whose fathers weren’t on the scene for decades now ask them to walk them down the aisle and so on and I find it so disloyal to their mothers and must be a complete kick in the teeth for them

It's not quite the same thing but as a child,I was brought up by my grandad

My other grandparents had their favourites (my cousins) and ignored us (myself and my brothers)

Grandad died when I was 14-no sign of any support from the gruesome twosome

I had my pfb when I was 19 and all of a sudden they wanted to know me

I didn't want to know them-there was no relationship at all

They had the nerve to act like I was the one that was in the wrong!

It hadn't been them that got up in the night when I had a nightmare,hadn't been them saying well done when I did something good or stand on the sidelines at sports day

I remembered who was there for me and who wasnt

Fast forward and the kids father left me with 2 small kids and a ton of debts

I remember being desperate for a break while he swanned about ignoring them and living his best life (he refused to spend a minute more than he had to and refused to pay for them as he claimed he couldn't afford it,while going on yet another 5* holiday) and then he just stopped seeing them-hed lost interest (it was all about controlling me and not about the dc)

It's shit trying to juggle work and kids,I remember crying more than once at how hard it was and feeling like my mental health was going to collapse and knowing I had no choice but to keep going as if I didn't,everything would go to pot

The kids grew up and guess who they don't want to know now?

All my fault they didn't hit 18 and fall into his arms while crying about how much they missed him apparently

I think so often Mums get the thin end of the wedge .Its unfair and unkind but so many ladies are battling each day for their kids.Most men, even the nice ones .still feel their wives are the default parent . Can you get a night off with the babysitter maybe ? Call a friend for a night out/in if they could come over .If you have any spare time ,a pamper night .face mask/long hot soak with lovely bath oils(I love geranium and orange Neils Yard.) Bit dear at £15.00 but just keep for best as I do .Makes it more special .

Pmsl

And me.

No I’m afraid it came across as goady to me, too

Does he pay child support?

Another load of men on this thread trying to shame and silence women and minimise the suffering of single parenthood when mother has no time for herself and is on 24/7.

There is no guarantee whatsoever of a reward in the future when the kids are grown.

The might end up ungrateful as many children do.

It's brutal OP. I was resentful towards my ex for a good few years but have accepted the situation and just do the best I can.

It's weird how women are no longer seen by many as real human beings with needs of their own when they have children. It's so incredibly oppressive.

Even a really good salary doesn't produce huge amounts of child maintenance. It's 15% of his salary for 2 kids. I don't think that's a fair share. It won't be comparable to a 2 income household.

The kids will eventually see him for the selfish, absent waste of space that he is. You know you can’t rely on him for any kind of consideration or help, so for your own mental health you have to let that go. It will get easier, you are really in the trenches now trying to fill the gap that their useless father has left. Keep going, you’re amazing xx

I didn't say it wasn't tough fir the op , she said she resented his lifestyle I was explaining that it's bit a great as she thinks it is The grass isn't always greener and envy is destructive. Always good to see another side but some posters here are so blinkered and unablee to

Really?! Boohooo sounds terrible and meanwhile OP is at home with the kids 24/7. Talk about missing the point.

OP I hear you and it is really really tough going being the one who does everything I have been there. I can reassure you though that one day (and it may be a long time off) it will all have been worth it. My DC are now young adults and we are so close, they barely see their Dad as he barely knows who they are as people. I would not swap places with him and have the crappy relationship he has now for all the tea in China.

Do not feel guilty about taking a bit of time for you in whatever way you can/want to.

The pp who say your kids will be forever grateful are wrong, that's not how people work. They'll grow up and have their own lives and you need yours.

Bloody annoying he isn't paying more if his work's so damn fancy, though.

I know this won't help much, but much of the joy of children comes from time spent with them, especially when they are grown and you rely on the relationships you have built. You are the primary parent, he will always be the secondary one, one day the drudgery will be over but you will have the elationship you have built over years.

No she doesn't lol. Small kids are a PITA.

Don't be such an idiot, @maddy70,her husband is living exactly the life he wants.

OP, can he pay you more for childcare so that you get the chance to go out?

Lol

You're resentment is unjustified. I used to have a job which was considered glamorous. Constantly travelling , dining out , posh hotels

It's a horrible exhausting life , constantly having to be on form, witty, living out of a suitcase.
Fancying cheese on crackers for dinner but having to attend dinners in-between staying on top of the game workwise.

I bet your ex is envious of you. Snuggling up with your kids, watching EastEnders

My ex partner has been overseas 4 times since we split 15yrs ago, usually for 3yrs at a time. It really does frustrate me, particularly this last one as DD is doing A levels and has some health challenges, so i’m having to drop her off / collect her and work full time. Meanwhile he is posting photos of him being wined and dined and treated like some kind of king because of his job. No advice, but I will say kids grow up and know who was there for them and who wasn’t.

It will get easier as they get older. And as someone said up thread your children know and see who is doing everything. I said to my ex once "if you are waiting for your boys to be old enough to go down the pub with you when they are older, you will have lost them already"

Pretend to yourself he is dead, as the nice guy you new is.
enlist any of his family you might be able to guilt trip into helping,
hopefully he’s paying decent maintenance use this to make your life easier, cleaner, gym with creche, Saturday morning stage coach for a couple hours free time, babysitter once a week at least etc

OP I’ve been lone parenting for 15 years. I know it’s hard and you are an absolute shero. It gets easier as they get older and one big thing is you never really have to share them, they know who did what when they get older and they vote with their feet. I’ve also been happy I’ve never had to share DD during Christmas etc.

I hope he contributes financially, my ex never did, but I focussed on my career and have done really well. Hope your workplace is understanding about your situation, many are nowadays.

One piece of advice, try and find a hobby they enjoy that takes up some Saturday time…Stagecoach or tennis…use the time to take yourself off for a coffee, mooch, swim…whatever, just time for you.

It sounds like his mum might be on your side? Could she maybe take the kids overnight every now and again?

That sounds desperately unfair. I'm sorry.

I think you are going to have to reframe this somehow. He is travelling the world and occasionally flying in for presents/big show. You are creating your children's childhood - it is as simple as that. What they will remember about their childhood will be made up of all the moments you are toiling along with right now. You are rearing children into adults - the adults they become will be to your credit. It sucks that your ex is so stupid as to think this doesn't matter. But it does matter.

I hope you enjoy your time with your kids, create some family traditions (every friday night it is pizza and movies or whatever) that your children will remember and realise you are doing an incredibly important job here.

I feel sorry for his mum in some ways - my worst nightmare would be my son would turn out like this.