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AIBU?

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Original poster

To buy a house here?

40 replies

Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:18

I live about a 3 hour flight from my parents (in a different country). I have a great job, friends, social life and generally my quality of life is great. Dh is the same. We have primary aged kids who are thriving, happy, healthy, lots of friends, clubs, good reports, all good etc. We have been renting the entire time we have lived here. The past few years my husband has been saying that we need to buy if we want to stay here. We do.

The thing is, my parents didn't take it well when we made the move 9 years ago (for career reasons). They went quite frosty for about 2 or 3 years and there were some passive aggressive digs at the start. I'm an only child and they are both retired. They have never come outright to say they think we should move back, but they have never once said that they are happy for us or that they think we should make the most of our wonderful life here. They don't say enough to be explicitly accused of being negative, but they certainly don't say anything positive about our lives. If I'm with my parents and we meet someone who asks about where I live, my parents change the subject and it seems like a real sore point.

They can't travel for health reasons but they did visit a few years ago and said they didn't like it as there's nothing to do. We live in a quiet residential area but it's very close to a huge tourist destination. I've tried to speak to them about it and my dad kind of makes the right noises but my mum looks at the floor and doesn't say anything. We have a tricky relationship anyway and I try not to push it but it makes me feel so guilty!!!

I have a job with flexi hours and so go home to visit my parents every 6-8 weeks, normally for a weekend but often for a week or so and normally bring the kids when I can.

I feel like I cannot tell them we are going to buy a house as it will cement the fact that we will not be moving home. Dh is getting impatient with me and angry that I don't show interest in houses for sale but I feel so terrible about abandoning my parents I lie awake at night in a cold sweat! And have been doing for the best part of a decade. Sometimes I want to go home just to make the guilt stop.bit eats me up inside and hovers over me like a black cloud.

Would I be that bad a person if we bought a house here, even if I continued going home frequently?

OP posts:
SoloSofa24 · 22/09/2025 20:15

I don't know about you, OP, but I did not have children with the intention of controlling their life choices to ensure that they only lived in places I approved of and that they would be available to look after me in old age. Their lives are theirs to live as they choose, as is mine, and my only hope is for them to be happy and healthy.

Your priority now should be your own children, not your parents, who don't really sound like particularly nice people from your description. Buy the house, let them know, and they can sulk if they like.

Bonbon21 · 22/09/2025 20:00

Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:48

I'm also dealing with the fact that they are in their late 70s and not in good health. It's not outside the realm of possibility that one of them will die and the other will be left totally alone. They don't have much family apart from me.

.. all the more reason why they should be cherishing their relationship with you.. not chipping away at it! They would be foolish to make you choose....

Original poster
Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:48

I'm also dealing with the fact that they are in their late 70s and not in good health. It's not outside the realm of possibility that one of them will die and the other will be left totally alone. They don't have much family apart from me.

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 22/09/2025 19:45

This is your life with your family. You live that life in the place you believe is best for all of you.
Your parents sound quite controlling so if it wasnt this , it would probably be something else.
And if they break ties, theirs would be the bigger loss.

Gymmum82 · 22/09/2025 19:38

Just stop giving a shit about their opinions. You like where you live. It’s your life. They can disapprove. They can be upset. Tough shit they had their life. This is yours. Buy your house. Tell your parents and stop giving a crap about their negativity

Original poster
Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:36

DillyDallyingAllDay · 22/09/2025 19:32

They don’t need to know you’ve bought a house. 9 years in and living a very settled life I think your parents already know you’re unlikely to be coming back. Other than not being in the same country as them, why are they so offended by your move? Surely even if you moved back to the same country as them you’d still not necessarily be down the road or around the corner? You could be even further away with worse work conditions so still unable to see them any more regularly?

Honestly, I don't even know. Half the time I don't even think my mum even likes me! She seems to see it as a complete betrayal but knows she can't just come right out and say that. She used to pick a lot of fights with me when we first moved which was her unleashing her anger. Honestly, if my kids grew up to be as happy as DH and I are, I'd be over the moon! There are so many issues with mental health, depression etc that surely parents would be happy their adult kids were settled with a great husband, happy kids and lovely life! It's like they recognise we are happy and very begrudgingly accept it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:32

Even the thought of telling them post-fact is awful. They would be so weird about not having been told. I was hauled over coals for not including them enough in decisions about my wedding which was bad enough.

OP posts:
DillyDallyingAllDay · 22/09/2025 19:32

They don’t need to know you’ve bought a house. 9 years in and living a very settled life I think your parents already know you’re unlikely to be coming back. Other than not being in the same country as them, why are they so offended by your move? Surely even if you moved back to the same country as them you’d still not necessarily be down the road or around the corner? You could be even further away with worse work conditions so still unable to see them any more regularly?

civetcat · 22/09/2025 19:29

Definitely buy a house - it'll be great for your family and give you a stable home where you like living. Up to you if you tell them. I didn't tell family I was buying a home until the sale had completed and the removal booked as I knew they'd be difficult about it (while insisting they had my best interests at heart…)

Sagedragon · 22/09/2025 19:28

Why would they need to know that you've bought?

Nushi21 · 22/09/2025 19:28

I was thinking the same thing. That they don’t need to know. Don’t let emotional blackmail get in the way of what you want and what is good for your family.
Edit after reading that your in laws might mention the move/house buy.
In that case just tell them. They can’t make you move back home. But tell them before the in laws as your parents could use that against you.

Original poster
Ritaeggbertwasherelastweek · 22/09/2025 19:28

My parents and in laws live near eachother and it would mean making my husband keep it a secret from his parents and that's not right. My in laws are blabbermouths anyway.

OP posts:
Zonder · 22/09/2025 19:26

They probably don't need to know.

OhNoNotSusan · 22/09/2025 19:25

dont tell them until the deal is done

TalulahJP · 22/09/2025 19:23

Maybe just don’t mention you bought a house here!! Prevents any unnecessary upset and emotional blackmail.