To buy a house here?

I think you are very dutiful and caring visiting that frequently. Especially with young children and a busy life.

In common parlance, they need to suck it up and you, you have no reason to feel guilty. It’s always devastating for a parent when their child moves overseas. I get that. But a parent can’t hold them back. If they don’t like it, tough. It would be far better for them to accept this and be happy for you. And maybe dial down the frostiness. It just pushes you away.

I don’t see you’ve done anything wrong. Go ahead and live your life for your family.

Not a good idea not to tell them.
They will feel deceived and justifiably so.
Much better to tell them up front

How they choose to react to your decisions about your life is nothing to do with you. It’s their own issue and you can’t control that. And if you can’t control that…why not do what you actually want with your one wild and precious life?
And get thee to therapy as soon as you can

You’re so welcome. I hope you find a way to accept your feelings and embrace your happiness.

Youre a brilliant daughter visiting so often, they are very lucky. Buy the house and tell both sets of parents together.

Does anyone need to know whether you are buying or renting if your parents and in laws live in another country? It makes no difference to them whether you own your house or not.

Oh OP, that is so tough

I would say that your priority is your young family and to do what is best for them.

Obviously your parents will need help as they get older, and this may put extra burden on you in future. People don’t realise how hard it is to look after parents who won’t cooperate or compromise

They need to grow up and get over themselves. It’s almost a decade. How self absorbed are they to actually think you need to run this past them or explain your family decisions to them.

You will feel bad about this until you own your choice and make peace with the fact that, while your parents raised you and you love them, this does not mean you have to sacrifice yourself to their (unreasonable) feelings. They are entitled to their feelings, but you cannot change them nor is it your responsibility to manage them. It sounds as though you already do much to maintain a difficult connection with them.

It is incredibly hard to have a ‘wonderful life’. Please appreciate how rare a privilege this is and prioritise it, for yourself and your children.

If, to you, that means never mentioning to your parents that you bought a house then so be it. If you cannot share this news and be your authentic self with your parents there will always be a barrier in your relationship, but perhaps the barrier already exists and it is more worthwhile in the long term to keep the news to yourself. But do not jeopardise the life you love because of it. You have to move forward.

I bet your sleepless nights are not about the house as much as your relationship with your parents in general, and maybe that’s something you need to talk through with a professional, rather than them, so you can come to terms with your differences and your separation from them (both physical and emotional).

Having a lovely like if no small thing. Nurture and protect it as we never know what might be coming down the road.

Not telling them isn't really an option because even if your in laws don't tell them your kids will blab at some point.

Do you have to tell them you are buying, can't you just move?

In that case, they should be doing their utmost to keep you on side, not infuriate you to the point where you might decide to go no contact.

You have to do what's best for you, your husband and family. You both have jobs, kids and a good life where you live. It time for you to buy a house as it appears that your in a financial position to do this. I know in a lot of places it getting harder to rent a place and rent is going up also. Then if your kids are in a good school and work is close by you know the areas of where to buy and the places to avoid.

The reality is that a lot of people don't live beside their parents. Even if you lived just a few miles away both you and your husband are working, you have kids and evenings and weekend are busy times with kid's.

I would just say to your parents on the phone that you have decided to buy a house in your area as long term you want the stability of home ownership rather than renting. If your mother makes a nasty comment I would just say that your going to hang up the phone. Your hardly going to move home with a husband, kids and no jobs to mind your parents. Your parents are adults who had their own lives and it time for you to work on building up a good life for you, your husband and kid's.

I know people that moved abroad to get qualifications and or jobs after university. Some of them planed to move home after a few years but then they got good jobs, met there other half, got married and had kid's. They had good jobs and lives abroad and they would not have the same in there home town. The parents traveled to see them and they come home on holidays. The parents face timed them regularly as well.

I know several people in university or just starting there career's and they are open to moving abroad to get more experience and better jobs.

I don’t see why you can’t keep it a secret including from your in laws, until it’s a done deal. Buying a house is stressful enough without adding to it. Also, when people know (even aside from your parents) there are always lots of questions which can be anxiety inducing.

They don’t get to choose how you live your life. Your family and children come first.

They may well feel sad - it’s natural - and you have to accept that without letting it rule your life . They can’t / should not lie to you

but it really is a difficult situation- every time they are poorly you may well feel more guilt because you want to be in two places at the same time

we can’t be close to both families so we have made sure that we have spare enough cash to do easy trips - paying for more expensive travel to make it quick and fit in with our lives. Because you have to live your life and your husband and children count but you will always be split - acceptance is the only way and allowing yourself to feel it

Just thinking completely practically, I’d buy a house now - you could already have had years paid off a mortgage had you bought earlier. It makes complete financial sense and if in future you and your DH decide to move back (unlike from what you say) then you can sell it. It’s really not the problem you think it is. Have you considered therapy to unpick the unnecessary guilt you’re feeling?

You need to start living your life. You re not here to make your parents happy. It s your life and you inly have one.
they accept it or they suck it up. I know i am blunt but it is thr truth. They act like that because they can see it works in you. It s bullying.

show them that you care about them but that you do not care about their feelings about you living abroad.
you need to get your power back. And tell them.
“i am happy with the life we have built, i am happy that my kids - your grandkids - are happy, if you cant be happy for us thats sad but thats your choice. So stop thr passive aggressive negativity”.

i havent lived in my own country for 20yrs it s very clear that i would never come back to live there. I go there in holidays.

take your power back!

I mean this kindly…pull yourself together.

You’re a grown woman making a very normal and sensible choice for her family.

You’ve already made your decision, so just tell her and get it over with. You’ll feel so much better when you do.

Night sweats about telling your parents about buying a house is an extreme reaction. You say the relationship is tricky anyway, so I wonder if you need some help processing your relationship with your parents. I’d think about having some therapy (with someone who knows about attachment relationships), and buy the house. It’s not easy to just shrug off your parents’ attitude, but focus on your new family, and do what’s best for them, and work on the night sweats in therapy.

Some people just like having stuff to bitch about. If you moved back it probably wouldn’t be good enough or near enough or the right time. You are happy, as long as you are sure buying a house is the right thing for your family then do it. It’s tough being an only child but you can do this.

My mum wasn’t happy when I moved 250 miles away when I was 24, so I can understand your hesitation here. I have 3 grown up DC and will be genuinely happy for them to live anywhere. I am finally moving back after 25yrs, and my mum is over the moon. Largely for my own reasons (much cheaper cost of living, youngest goes to uni next year so not tied to area anymore) but also because my mum isn’t getting any younger and have sadly already lost my dad now. But we have to do what’s best for us. Just don’t tell them and if they find out, be honest why you haven’t told them.

I sympathise as I too am an only child who lives in a different country to my parents, (Well only mum now.) Do your parents rent as well or do they own their own home?

If they rent then my cunning plan might not work as well but here goes:

The alternative to not involving them at all is over involving them in a kind of reverse psychology way. Moan endlessly about rent going up, sick of landlord, tired of throwing good money into somebody else's bank account. Especially a rotten johnny foreigner. Whatever. You can think of more arguments along those lines yourself.

Over involve them to the point that you kind of fake ask them for advice.

The trick is to cajole them into thinking that by the end of it, they think that they'd actually come up with the idea themselves or at the very least be so sick of the subject that they would rather talk about anything else and just want it over with.

You may, of course, have already tried that.

But this time follow through with actively looking for somewhere to buy and compare the advantages of the prospective new places with your current overly moaned about situation.

Make them feel like part of the process.

It's a lot of mental effort but that's my best suggestion so far.