Invited to an event, but one person is excluded

Your husband's logic is faulty.

"either course of action means I’m taking one side or another!"

this is relatively straight forward really @Mondayblues2 you have the courage of your convictions and you go to your "Ann" free evening.

If challenged, by "Ann" (because she will find out) then, at least, please, be honest with her.

I completely agree with this approach. It's fine (not mean) to attend the Ann-free event, but someone needs to be the friend who is honest enough to tell Ann why.

Not going is taking Anne's side though, isn't it?

You are right in that whatever you do, you are picking a team.

So go.

With people like this who are so thick skinned and self absorbed, hints dont work. First they need to miss out on something and then ask why they were left out. Thats when you have to don the hard hat and be honest "Ann, we are sick of you taking the piss over not always paying your share and freeloading. We dont want to have child free evenings organised and then you bring your toddler when the rest of us have arranged sitters. To be honest, we are just fed up with how you speak and act on these outings so didnt want you there".

She will either reflect on it, apologise and all will be well (not likely) or blow a gasket, lose her shit in an epic fashion and not speak to any of you ever again (99.9% certainty).

If you take your husband out of the equation, imagine he never said anything on the subject at all, would you have been considering skipping this event because Ann wasn't invited, or would you have chosen to go to the event and sod Ann? It's not up to your husband (do I understand it right that he wouldn't be going to this event whatever?)

When something similar came up in my family, I made the choice to attend the party that one uncle and aunt weren't invited to (there were reasons - he's been refusing to speak to the birthday relative for 6 years over something twatty, making no effort with other members of the family, either not committing to times to meet up or cancelling at the eleventh hour and that's everyone else's fault somehow. Meanwhile, as they're messing about the rest of us, they're making a big fuss of my cousin's soon to be ex husband and not supporting her at all even though STBXH has been an absolute shit.) Without getting too much into more identifying specifics, let's just say that I fully understood the reasons why my cousins chose not to invite these relatives to their parents' joint 70th.

Your husband is completely wet.

It's the OP's husband who used the word "mean", prompting her to post in the first place. He might be on MumsNet, but as the OP hasn't specifically said that he is this claim seems a bit far fetched.

In these situations be honest with yourself, if you don't like spending time with Anne then take the invitation and enjoy yourself. Anne is an adult responsible for herself and her behaviour is the cause of this exclusion, she's not a child unaware of the ways of the world.

What’s the long term goal here? Is Ann being phased out completely or is this a one off?
Are you happy to continue the group without her?
Are you all prepared to deal with the confrontation?

I expect Ann is going to be hurt.

You should definitely go.

You’re taking sides either way, but I wouldn’t want to throw in my lot with the CF who’s rude to people.

I don’t understand why your DH put his oar in! Does he have a vested interest in you not going out that day?

Only on buttoned-up middle class MN would excluding an absolute pain in the arse dickhead be considered ‘mean’. 🙄

Go. Why should you miss out? Not everyone has to be invited to everything all the time. Ann is her own responsibility not yours.

Agree. I wouldn't be impressed with him.

wow, bit OTT?

I agree with OP, how often do people actually surround each other in a group and have US style interventions 'Ann, this is your final warning, if you don't stop being such a twat you'll be evicted from the group.' Not to mention most people would find it quite intimidating and upsetting to have a group of people all gang up on them and tell them how horrible they are.

In an ideal world one person would have a word with her and warn her that she's pissing people off - but OP has said they've tried that with no success.

Ultimately it's not OP's problem to solve. She's been invited to an event - the person organising determines who is invited. Other guests don't choose who is invited or not. There's no reason for OP to make a stand and cut off her nose to spite her face for someone who a) won't even know she's done so, and b) whom OP doesn't seem to like much anyway.

It's not rocket science - if you behave in an unpleasant way people won't want to spend time with you. Ann shouldn't need that explaining to her. Nobody is owed friendship.

Go to the event. She brought this on herself, it sounds like.

First post nails it. If she brings it up you can all mention your grievances.

Telling Ann is just stirring the pot when she would otherwise be oblivious to this event

Fuck Ann, you say to your DH, everyone’s had enough of her bullshit

Just go.

You have been invited, you haven't planned it or deliberately left Ann out.

But in any case, do you all have to do everything together? Surely it's ok to arrange things with individuals and not include the entire group?

I'm not sure why your DH feels the need to get involved. That's weird.

He wants you siding with Ann which you will be if you don't go.

I would ask DH to butt out.

You understand and can sympathise with the reasons why Ann is being excluded. If you'd been asked in advance about excluding Ann, you might have said it's only fair to let Ann know about the issues and give her a chance to adjust her behaviour rather than excluding her without an explanation. In your update, though, you say she has been challenged on her behaviour multiple times and has not changed.

As you're simply invited (not involved in the guest list) and have just observed that Ann has been excluded, then your refusing to go because Ann has not been included WOULD be taking sides (Ann's). Your going as you normally would is being neutral, leaving the organizer and Ann to work things out, as they potentially can if they are both open to discussion, reason, and compromise.

It's your decision, but I think that your husband (who I assume is not himself part of this group of friends/invited to go whether or not you go) pressuring you to refuse to go feels really "off". Saying you are "being mean" because you don't want to sacrifice your own and your friends' well being to accommodate Ann's selfishness is in itself mean.

Of course not and she might get a message much quicker after realising that she wasn’t invited to the event.
if she asks why, tell her that you couldn’t risk her bringing her toddler.

By the way tell your DH that he is welcome to invite Ann to his next football game/ darts competition/ cycling session or whatever it is he attends 🙂

There is absolutely nothing to stop you all continuing to make plans without her but, when she finally realises and challenges you all on it, you're all going to feel pretty shitty about it because however emboldened you all feel about not tolerating her crappy behaviour, you won't feel very good about your own either.

It's hard when you realise that one member of a friendship group isn't on the same page as the rest of you but she is supposed to be your friend. Deciding you no longer want to include her is absolutely fine but how you go about it is important.