Page 6 | To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2025 19:52

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 19:47

That's exactly how I feel, I don't want to judge, but equally don't want someone there that most of the other kids in the class don't like. But I totally understand some people's point of view about not excluding him, I just don't want the bullying to continue, or for him to only be nice to come to the party. They aren't close, and although they don't interact any more according to my son, my son is shy and doesn't like to tell him or other kids off and I don't know the full picture as to what goes on at school between him and my son, but have heard he kicks and pushes other kids, from my son.

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Unless you always do full class parties, some children are always going to be excluded. He isn't the only child who isn't invited and it's because they aren't close, just like with the other children who also aren't invited.

Every child can't be invited to birthday parties and it isn't your responsibility to try and solve this boys behaviour which isn't going to happen with one birthday party anyway.

It is your responsibility to be sure that your son feels safe and comfortable, especially at his birthday party. He'll want to be with his friends, not someone who either kicks him or doesn't bother with him at all unless he wants something out of it such as coming to his party.

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 19:51

Han86 · 22/09/2025 19:11

Sorry but I don't understand how much they are talking about this party.
It's generally known not everyone will get to go to a party. At work teachers will hand out invites as discreetly as possible at the end of the day. Usually these are put into bags to avoid upset on the playground. How did you give out the invites? Were kids opening them in front of everyone? Is it really such a talking point?
I would keep quiet and make sure your own child doesn't mention it.

I gave the invites to the parents discretely when the kids weren't around after the kids had gone in the classroom, in my son's school you aren't allowed to hand out invites in the classroom or to the teachers. The parents might have spoken about it and told the kids, and the next day I heard all of the kids talking about the party in the line up and to my son too saying they couldn't wait to come and thank you. Tbh I didn't think it would become such a talking topic, but every day now it's all they seem to talk about, and I gave them out a month in advance to the parents to prepare and that's why I feel (perhaps unreasonably) bad.

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 19:47

DillyDallyingAllDay · 22/09/2025 19:37

I actually think this is a hard one- if you know the parents then you’d know if the child had any SEND and might be the reason behind is aggression/hitting etc. but if you don’t know the parents I would urge you not to prejudge this child and label them the bully and show your child it’s ok to exclude a child for potentially something out of his control. If you know for certain there’s no SEND and the parents are likely to play of his bad behaviour as ‘boys will be boys’ I wouldn’t invite them. I find it so hard to understand what goes on at school as teachers can only give you a half picture due to confidentiality etc etc.

That's exactly how I feel, I don't want to judge, but equally don't want someone there that most of the other kids in the class don't like. But I totally understand some people's point of view about not excluding him, I just don't want the bullying to continue, or for him to only be nice to come to the party. They aren't close, and although they don't interact any more according to my son, my son is shy and doesn't like to tell him or other kids off and I don't know the full picture as to what goes on at school between him and my son, but have heard he kicks and pushes other kids, from my son.

OP posts:

MyLimeGuide · 22/09/2025 19:46

XWKD · 22/09/2025 19:35

The issue is protecting the child being bullied. Assuming the school/parents don't care, the parents of the child being bullied have to look for a solution.

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No. In the situation of their own child's birthday party they have to look out for their child.

XWKD · 22/09/2025 19:45

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2025 19:37

How is it a solution?

Inviting him to the party isn't going to magically change his personality, he could even bully OP's son at his own birthday party. That isn't protecting him.

Edited

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It's not a solution. It could be the lesser of two evils. The OP will come to the right decision, I'm sure.

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 19:41

TheatricalLife · 22/09/2025 18:59

Are the school actually doing anything to stop this bullying at all?!

After the punching kicking situation I went down to the school and addressed it with his dad on the phone as he was late from a meeting at work. The school said they spoke to the child and made him apologise but didn't see it happen in the playground, this was near the end of reception. Since then, I told my son to leave him alone and not go near him or bother him, so they now just avoid each other and since coming back from summer I haven't heard any issues as they know not to talk to each other. My son told me that he is mean to some other kids sometimes now instead however.

OP posts:

DillyDallyingAllDay · 22/09/2025 19:37

I actually think this is a hard one- if you know the parents then you’d know if the child had any SEND and might be the reason behind is aggression/hitting etc. but if you don’t know the parents I would urge you not to prejudge this child and label them the bully and show your child it’s ok to exclude a child for potentially something out of his control. If you know for certain there’s no SEND and the parents are likely to play of his bad behaviour as ‘boys will be boys’ I wouldn’t invite them. I find it so hard to understand what goes on at school as teachers can only give you a half picture due to confidentiality etc etc.

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2025 19:37

XWKD · 22/09/2025 19:35

The issue is protecting the child being bullied. Assuming the school/parents don't care, the parents of the child being bullied have to look for a solution.

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How is it a solution?

Inviting him to the party isn't going to magically change his personality, he could even bully OP's son at his own birthday party. That isn't protecting him.

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2025 19:35

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:31

These things get around.

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So does having a child that hits and kicks other children.

XWKD · 22/09/2025 19:35

MyLimeGuide · 22/09/2025 19:07

Why? Isn't it the bully's mums problem? There is no way any decent mother would put their sons happiness aside on their birthday and ignore their wishes not to invite the school bully just to satisfy their self indulgent (im such a kind person at my sons expense) ways

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The issue is protecting the child being bullied. Assuming the school/parents don't care, the parents of the child being bullied have to look for a solution.

Shr3dding · 22/09/2025 19:35

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:31

These things get around.

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But unless every other party that's every been was a whole class party what is going to "get around"?

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:31

Shr3dding · 22/09/2025 19:26

How is that going to happen? Even assuming all the parents in the class are aware of all the invite lists to all the parties why would anyone get a reputation for not having a whole class party?

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These things get around.

Wtafdidido · 22/09/2025 19:30

Imagine these were adults. Someone in your workplace that bullied you. Would you want to invite them to your party? Why should it be different just because they are kids. As an adult I would not tolerate shitty behaviour from a bully and I certainly would not expect my child to
tolerate it and invite the little twerp to his party.

XWKD · 22/09/2025 19:30

Shr3dding · 22/09/2025 19:05

That's not the OPs problem, it's not her job to parent the other child.

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The school and parents aren't going to do much about it, so she presumably wants to minimise the effect on her child.

itsmeits · 22/09/2025 19:29

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 18:42

No sorry I meant the one child, I only put boy to clarify. There's maybe 1-2 other boys I haven't invited as they aren't close to my son and hadn't seen them to invite them anyway and couldn't afford all. But I feel bad as he the bully is friends with 1 or 2 coming who are talking about the party. as are the rest going. I could hear them in the playground at school drop/pick up.

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You dont have to include every child. Not every parent can afford a full class party. Not every parent wants to do a full class party. Was this child on DS list to start with? That's the question.

Partys are the the bain of my existence, dont worry OP I didnt feed 2 kids last year! a minefield of etiquette to navigate.

Next year have DS give them out even if its not for the full class. No mystery then to solve by the kids of who is who isn't invited. I understand your logic of doing it, the kids made it a game

Ablondiebutagoody · 22/09/2025 19:29

I don't understand why you would even consider for one second inviting your son's bully. I would happily invite the whole class and not him.

Wtafdidido · 22/09/2025 19:28

He is just saying what he wants to get to the party. He’s a bully who has targeted your son . Do not vote him. Your child’s party is all about him and what makes his day happy and special. Let the bully feel the consequences of his behaviour.

Shr3dding · 22/09/2025 19:26

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:21

I wouldn't want to get a reputation as the parent who leaves a 5yo out of a party, personally.

How is that going to happen? Even assuming all the parents in the class are aware of all the invite lists to all the parties why would anyone get a reputation for not having a whole class party?

ByLemonGuide · 22/09/2025 19:24

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 18:15

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids.

I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it.

The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5.

Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

invite him to the party and give him no cake and no party bag this behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to learn discipline.

ainsleysanob · 22/09/2025 19:23

5 and 6 year olds absolutely can be bullies and nasty ones too. I speak as someone with a son who found out the hard way.

Bullies will bully whether they are invited to a party or not. So, no, I wouldn’t invite him to the party and I wouldn’t give a shit if he felt left out or not.

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2025 19:23

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:21

I wouldn't want to get a reputation as the parent who leaves a 5yo out of a party, personally.

Not everyone can afford whole class parties. It isn't just the bully who isn't invited anyway.

UnhappyHobbit · 22/09/2025 19:22

Have you spoken to your son seeing as it’s his party? What does he want?

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:21

I wouldn't want to get a reputation as the parent who leaves a 5yo out of a party, personally.

hadjustaboutenough · 22/09/2025 19:21

I can't imagine inviting someone to my birthday party who had physically hurt me and continued to be more of an enemy than a friend. Why should kids be forced to do what most adults would never consider? If the whole class were invited, that would be different. As it is, no, I wouldn't invite him. Let's be honest: One birthday invite isn't going to be enough to change this kid's personality, and as for asking his parent(s) to stay and watch him, I'd suspect that they may well be the reason the child is as he is, so I wouldn't count on them being a pleasant addition to the party!

Espressosummer · 22/09/2025 19:20

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 22/09/2025 19:14

Dude, they’re 6. I’m not going to write off a 6 year olds.

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You don't have to write off a 6 year old. Just not set your own child up to potentially be assaulted and bullied at their own birthday party. One party invitation is not going to sort out this kid's violent behaviour. It could very well destroy the OP's son's confidence in his mum though. If even your own mum won't protect you, who the bloody hell will?