Page 5 | To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

confusedlady10 · 2025-09-22T17:15:43+00:00

My sons 6th birthday is coming up and I have invited just over half of his year 1 class. The one boy I haven’t invited has been known to bully the rest of the class and not behave well and he and my son especially have not gotten on. My son has also told me that he’s rude to teachers and the other kids do not play with him apart from one. My son is very friendly and chatty and can be very keen to hang out but is also painfully shy when he’s not confident around certain people/kids. I think the boy may have picked on him for being an easy target, because since reception he has punched my son in the lip and kicked him in the leg. When my son brought it up to the teacher they told the boy off according to my son and that was that. When I spoke to the school they claimed that my son may have asked him to play even if he didn't want to as he doesn't like him and would have bothered him, and then claimed they didn’t see the punch on the lip or kick to the leg but dealt with it as my son told them what he did. My son and him have avoided each other since so I dropped it. The kids have all been talking about the party, so he told my son he didn’t want to go and told another two kids to rip up their invitations. I was upset hearing this from my son but understood that he’s probably feeling left out and upset so I did feel bad regardless as he’s only 5. Then today he told my son he will be nice to him and be his friend and asked if he can come to the party. I know that kids will be kids and so I’d rather this situation put to bed, but my concern is he is only saying this to come to the party, and will go back to bullying him after and that my son is only agreeing with him coming because he doesn’t want him to be left out. Thoughts?

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2025 23:51

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 23:43

Tbh after thinking about it, I'll probably invite the other 2-3 boys not going. I paid for a certain amount of kids at soft play and I was concerned going over, I'm sure a few may drop out between then and now anyway and I don't think the soft play place will have much of an issue with an extra kid or two if not. That way everyone gets included, including the bully. Since they don't talk I'm hoping they play well together and helps everyone get along and they haven't had an altercation since. The remaining kids are all friends, bar the bully which is why I felt bad but I completely get it. Majority boys will be there anyway with only a few girls as there are more boys than girls in the class anyway so I get why he'd feel left out, especially if the other kids don't talk to him much. Thank you.

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So now only a few girls will be left out of the whole class, who haven't punched or kicked your son but the one who you refer to as a bully gets to go?

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 23:43

NotToday1l · 22/09/2025 23:21

I would invite him I think, but only if your son is ok with him being there, then I would keep an extremely close eye on him at the party and if he plays up put a stop to it, also his parents will be there to see if play up if he does, then you can discuss the other instances of bullying with them there and then
6 is very young and some kids are only learning to control their little tempers and their behaviour, he may not be all that bad

if he acts up at the party he is definitely not invited next year though

If you invite him will you only be excluding 1-3 boys then?…..you may as well invite all the boys

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Tbh after thinking about it, I'll probably invite the other 2-3 boys not going. I paid for a certain amount of kids at soft play and I was concerned going over, I'm sure a few may drop out between then and now anyway and I don't think the soft play place will have much of an issue with an extra kid or two if not. That way everyone gets included, including the bully. Since they don't talk I'm hoping they play well together and helps everyone get along and they haven't had an altercation since. The remaining kids are all friends, bar the bully which is why I felt bad but I completely get it. Majority boys will be there anyway with only a few girls as there are more boys than girls in the class anyway so I get why he'd feel left out, especially if the other kids don't talk to him much. Thank you.

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Jeschara · 22/09/2025 23:42

Yes I agree nottoday if you invite the bully you may as well invite the other two boys, how do you think they would feel being left out.
So what you don't talk to their mums, it's nothing to do with it. Honestly are you that cliquey.
I would not invite the bully but if I did I would invite the other two boys as well.

NotToday1l · 22/09/2025 23:21

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 21:27

Majority of the boys are going apart from 1-3. The boys who aren't going aren't particularly friends with my son and hang together and those mums tend to stick together and don't seem to talk to the rest of us, so to save money I left them out. My son only picked the boys he is friends with that mainly hang with each other. The bully is friend's with one of the kids going and partially with the other one, they've all been talking about it to him, so he may feel left out but otherwise the other kids in the class don't talk to him (this is all according to my son). Then my son told me that he he told them to rip up their invitations, but then now asked my son if he could come and apologised for how he treated him and told him he'd be nice to him now. That's why I feel bad.

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I would invite him I think, but only if your son is ok with him being there, then I would keep an extremely close eye on him at the party and if he plays up put a stop to it, also his parents will be there to see if play up if he does, then you can discuss the other instances of bullying with them there and then
6 is very young and some kids are only learning to control their little tempers and their behaviour, he may not be all that bad

if he acts up at the party he is definitely not invited next year though

If you invite him will you only be excluding 1-3 boys then?…..you may as well invite all the boys

Babyboomtastic · 22/09/2025 22:40

It seems bonkers to me to consider inviting a boy who your child only knows because he was beaten up by him, over other children that have not harmed him in any way he just doesn't know!

It would mean that you are more likely to be invited by assaulting the birthday boy than just getting on with your school day. Bizarre.

OldChinaJug · 22/09/2025 22:37

Are you giving this degree of thought and consideration to the feelings of the other children who have not been invited and who will also be aware of the party?

Or is this just a case of the squeakiest wheel getting the most attention?

My personal opinion as a parent and a teacher is that your child's 6th birthday party is neither the time nor the place to expect magnanimity from them. There is only one child whose wants need to be considered at your son's birthday party and that is your son.

Whilst everyone is concerning themselves with the feelings of this small boy, another small boy and several other small children, could find themselves spending yet another few hours with the kid from their class who hurts them all in the interests of being kind. Why not be kind to the majority and let them have fun without worrying about him?

Unfortunately, a lot of schools are a bit rubbish when it comes to dealing with bullying because, in all honesty, there is actually very little we can do. They already have to put up with it at school. Just let your son have his party and let the other children enjoy it without the risk of this child spoiling it.

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 22:27

SunnyDolly · 22/09/2025 21:41

I feel for you OP, party politics at this age is hard and Y1 we did full class to keep the peace!
They’ll fall naturally in to closer groups around Y2-3 and it makes life much easier.
What does your son want to do, does he now want to invite him or not?

He wants to invite him, but I think it's him feeling bad as the bully doesn't talk to most of the class apart from two of the boys going and DS may feel slightly manipulated by him apologising tbh. I don't think he fully understands that the bully might not be being genuine and I have tried to explain that. But it seems my son thinks it will help them build a friendship, or he's concerned that he will bully him for not getting to go. Quite a tough one, as I did try to explain to my son that I shouldn't be rewarding his behaviour, but also don't want to make his time at school harder with this one boy. The school don't seem to care unless they see something with their own two eyes, and even then are rather blase about it.

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Original poster

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 21:54

hydriotaphia · 22/09/2025 18:18

I think as you have only invited half the class it is ok to have excluded him. It wouldn't be ok to exclude one person at that age. I would be hesitant about labelling a 5 year old a bully though.

I mean considering he has kicked and punched my son, is badly behaved to other kids and teachers and the majority of the kids avoid him, I'm not sure what else to label him really. And then to tell the other kids to rip up their invitations seems manipulative. I'm not saying kids should be perfect but he's definitely not a nice boy either, and I think now he's starting to realise the consequences.

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SunnyDolly · 22/09/2025 21:41

I feel for you OP, party politics at this age is hard and Y1 we did full class to keep the peace!
They’ll fall naturally in to closer groups around Y2-3 and it makes life much easier.
What does your son want to do, does he now want to invite him or not?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 22/09/2025 21:37

Do not invite him. If you do he’ll learn that he can bully your son without any consequences. In your position I’d tell my child to blame me. It’s hard for a young child to stick up for themselves, but “my mum said no” absolves them of any responsibility. I don’t care if a five year old thinks I’m a meanie.

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 21:36

thinkfast · 22/09/2025 19:06

the party is to make your son happy on his birthday. Don’t invite the bully. You’re under no obligation to. Help your son by giving him a pre-planned response to say if the bully asks your DS if he can come. Something like “my mum says I can’t invite everyone, and all the spaces are gone” should do the job.

Tbh he knows it's about them not getting on, as he knows he has treated DS terribly in the past, so he's either being fake nice to come or genuine. I honestly don't think its's the latter but again he's 5. My son said he felt bad that the bullies only 1 or 2 friends are invited and not him, and said no one else talks to him in the class. I don't know if he's just being polite by asking him to come, but if it helps bridge the gap I'd happily do it. The bully telling the others to rip up their invitation and that he didn't want to go, to suddenly changing his tune and being nice to DS concerns me though. I don't want to reward bad behaviour and my son tends to be a follower not a leader.

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Babyboomtastic · 22/09/2025 21:29

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 21:27

Majority of the boys are going apart from 1-3. The boys who aren't going aren't particularly friends with my son and hang together and those mums tend to stick together and don't seem to talk to the rest of us, so to save money I left them out. My son only picked the boys he is friends with that mainly hang with each other. The bully is friend's with one of the kids going and partially with the other one, they've all been talking about it to him, so he may feel left out but otherwise the other kids in the class don't talk to him (this is all according to my son). Then my son told me that he he told them to rip up their invitations, but then now asked my son if he could come and apologised for how he treated him and told him he'd be nice to him now. That's why I feel bad.

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If the bullying boy is ready to be nice, and if your son wants to forgive him in time, then there's always next year. Having boundaries in not inviting the person you punched you in the face is just sensible.

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 21:27

KilkennyCats · 22/09/2025 20:39

Not getting your reasoning at all. If they’re discussing it, more than half the class are going to realise they haven’t made the cut?
Unless you mean within a small group of friends who hang out together, which includes both your son and this boy?
Is he the only member of a tight knit group not invited?

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Majority of the boys are going apart from 1-3. The boys who aren't going aren't particularly friends with my son and hang together and those mums tend to stick together and don't seem to talk to the rest of us, so to save money I left them out. My son only picked the boys he is friends with that mainly hang with each other. The bully is friend's with one of the kids going and partially with the other one, they've all been talking about it to him, so he may feel left out but otherwise the other kids in the class don't talk to him (this is all according to my son). Then my son told me that he he told them to rip up their invitations, but then now asked my son if he could come and apologised for how he treated him and told him he'd be nice to him now. That's why I feel bad.

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Temporaryname158 · 22/09/2025 21:21

The same occurred in my sons class. 1 bully who took turns continually bullying different children. He wasn’t invited on play dates, or to parties. He missed out and that was his and his parents fault who provided no discipline.

now in year 6 he still kicks off to teachers but the bullying kids has reduced. Not one parent feels bad and even some who initially stayed close to him have quietly distanced themselves over time as they realised that they didn’t want their child associated with him.

its very sad in many ways, on the other hand why should anyone invite a bully to their party/home

BoarBrush · 22/09/2025 21:13

My 10yo dts are in their last year of primary. From day 1 at nursery there's been two kids who are both equally fucking nasty, that's not changed in 7 years, still the same 2 causing problems daily. Chairs chucked at heads, branches whacked round heads, head held and slammed into walls school ipad stamped on twice... School won't and actually can't do bugger all now so no I certainly won't make my child see this kid outwith school.

Protect your kid.

Blueberry911 · 22/09/2025 21:08

I would HAPPILY leave a child out of a party if they're a bully.
My child, their party, their right to a good time, their right to not be at risk of bullying, their friends, their birthday.

My child doesn't have to spend their free time with someone that isn't nice to them and I'm sorry for the children of all the posters that would invite a BULLY to their child's birthday for fear of leaving someone out 😂 Christ.

MummaMummaMumma · 22/09/2025 21:08

No way would I invite my child's bully to their party, even if it was a whole class party.
I'd be telling the parents why if they ask.

MaybeIf · 22/09/2025 21:04

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 19:21

I wouldn't want to get a reputation as the parent who leaves a 5yo out of a party, personally.

That’s your fear of judgement and your people-pleasing, though. Nothing to do with parenting, protecting your child. What you teach your child is that your fear of gossip is more important than him being bullied.

Fidgety31 · 22/09/2025 20:54

Why would you even consider inviting a bully to your childs own party ?! You’re supposed to protect your child - not open him up to his bully at his own party ! Wow !

KilkennyCats · 22/09/2025 20:39

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 20:13

Also I realise in my OP I meant, I invited just UNDER* half the class not over. Apologies. The majority of the boys are going, bar a few as my son is naturally closer to them, so there are more boys invited than girls which is why I also felt bad, with all of the kids discussing it.

Not getting your reasoning at all. If they’re discussing it, more than half the class are going to realise they haven’t made the cut?
Unless you mean within a small group of friends who hang out together, which includes both your son and this boy?
Is he the only member of a tight knit group not invited?

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 20:13

Also I realise in my OP I meant, I invited just UNDER* half the class not over. Apologies. The majority of the boys are going, bar a few as my son is naturally closer to them, so there are more boys invited than girls which is why I also felt bad, with all of the kids discussing it.

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itsmeits · 22/09/2025 20:10

@confusedlady10
Just seen last update.
You don't know so dont feel bad. The child may have a diagnosis, may not yet have one, may not need one, or may not get one till he pursues it as an adult. For all the if, buts and maybes you can only go off what you know now.
That is:
DS and child dont play together
the child has hit your DS,
the child only wants to go because others have been invited,
he is the only one making a fuss about it.

It is not your responsibility to fix this for the child.

Sixtimesnow · 22/09/2025 20:04

As it's half the class I wouldn't invite him. If whole class I would.

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 22/09/2025 20:01

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2025 19:52

Unless you always do full class parties, some children are always going to be excluded. He isn't the only child who isn't invited and it's because they aren't close, just like with the other children who also aren't invited.

Every child can't be invited to birthday parties and it isn't your responsibility to try and solve this boys behaviour which isn't going to happen with one birthday party anyway.

It is your responsibility to be sure that your son feels safe and comfortable, especially at his birthday party. He'll want to be with his friends, not someone who either kicks him or doesn't bother with him at all unless he wants something out of it such as coming to his party.

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Thank you.

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SprayWhiteDung · 22/09/2025 19:56

Babyboomtastic · 22/09/2025 18:54

Meh, the natural consequence of punching someone in the face (and then continuing to bully them) is that you don't get invited to their party. Perhaps controversially, I'd still hold that view if it's an otherwise all class party. Though in that instance I wouldn't have an all class party to ensure no pressure to invite the bully.

Yes, I agree - it's natural consequences: if you go out of your way to be nasty to people, they don't want to share their special day and associated treat with you.

I'd personally be very concerned at a 5/6yo already having reached a point where he is actually telling other children to rip up their invitations. An immature "I don't want to come to your silly party anyway" is one thing; but already being manipulative enough to think about encouraging/ordering other kids, not even just to not go, but actually to tear up their own invitations.

Yes, 5 or 6 is still young; but they're well beyond the capricious toddler stage of still learning about emotions and other people's feelings - and should by now well understand the absolute basics about how we simply don't bully other people. It's worrying that he's already set on this vindictive behavioural pattern at his age.

100% the birthday boy needs to be centred here, and not have himself and his special event thrown under the bus as a sacrifice to reinforce to a nasty child a lesson that being nasty to people is just fine and doesn't carry any negative consequences at all.

Aside from anything else, what makes this boy so very special that the other 9 or so children in the class who presumably haven't bullied or been nasty to OP's DS but just aren't especially close friends with him are fine to still not be invited; but he should be given a very special reward for his horrible behaviour and treatment of another child?