To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

I am not sure why you backed down on the guest list. There really wasn't an issue when you weren't inviting the 'bully', the few other boys plus all the girls. Now you have made it more complicated where if you don't invite him it's more obvious and not just a case of limited numbers.

Also I am not sure what you are expecting the school to do. At this age there is a lot of rough play. I have spoken to all the KS1 teachers today about speaking to the children about lunchtimes (I am out with the children on the playground). The number of children that get hurt because of children being too rough, or just the telling tales of another child hurt them I can't keep track of. Ones that I spot and confirm they did do anything get stood off the playground for 5 mins and get followed up in class by the teacher.
What do you think this child needs?
If they are as bad as you say, then it is likely the teachers already know, and the school may already be trying to work on a plan (e.g. is the behaviour linked to sen, can a TA be out with the child for lunchtimes)

When I read that you turned it into a class party so you could invite the boy that is assaulting your child, I felt incredibly sorry for your son, that you'd allow him to be put in that position.

To then hear that less than 24 hours after, he's pushing your son again, please don't invite him. Yes it's now more difficult because it's a class party, but you're supposed to be your son's protector, not enabling abuse.

Honestly, I think a little pushing and shoving at school always goes on at that age especially between boys, do you tell your son to push him back, it’s probably what he needs to do the next time

Many years ago, I had my one and only birthday party. I was 7.

We invited all the kids in the block apart from the one family where they used to bully everyone else - I'm talking about physical bullying.

Well, to my horror the the bullies turned up at our door for the party. Afterwards, Mum said "What could I do...They were standing there with a quarter pound of Milk Tray..."

They behaved at the party...

A year later the youngest kid (younger than I was at the time) threw a stone at me just as my adult front teeth were coming in. It cost me about 5k 10 yrs ago to pay for the implant and crown that I needed. (I previously had a composite addition followed by two NHS crowns.)

Leopards rarely change their spots.

If you invite this bully you are rewarding him for his bad behavior and saying it’s ok he hit and kicked your child!

All this to-ing and fro-ing by you has confused your son. This should have been a clear cut situation - bully doesn’t get to attend the party yet here you and your son are, wanting to invite him.
I’d love the world to be “be nice and kind to everyone” and everything is lovely, but reality isn’t like that.
Be decisive and model that to your son.

Not only has he punched OPs son, but is also manipulating boys who are on the guest list to rip up invitations and ostracise him.

it would be a hard no from me. I like that idea of telling DS to blame you and he’s not allowed to invite anyone else, but also like the suggestion to say he might be able to come next year if he is nice.

The effect on the person being bullied is the same though. Do you think it is less hurtful to be bullied because you are a child? Do you think kids are less sensitive and less vulnerable than adults?

Op id take your son's lead on this. Does he want to invite this boy? Maybe he will actually behave better if he is shown some kindness. However if your son doesn't want him there and just feels pressurised to invite him then dont it.

If you do invite him then I think the pp had a brilliant idea of telling his parents they need to accompany him and keep an eye on him as he has hit and kicked your son previously. If his parents are sensible that might be an eye opener for them and improve things for everyone including this little boy.

This kid wasn't invited as he wasn't one of my sons good friends, he had been mean to him a lot in the past. I did ask my son to reconsider and let him come, if the boy hadnt been horrid to him recently, but my son was adamant that he wasn't coming. Fair enough. Kids know their own minds.

It sounds like your DS has a very good handle on personal agency and consent - and he's made good choices based on that.

Not inviting a child to a friend thing, simply because they aren't actually a friend is perfectly valid - just as you wouldn't plan on a personal get-together with close friends from work for a coffee but then throw open the invitation to everybody in the workplace, including those whom you don't even know... however being specifically asked to ignore obvious red flags and give in to toxic people and whatever they want from you is not a helpful lesson to have to learn at all.

He has punched and hurt your son. I don’t think you are teaching your DS about keeping away from danger if you invite the person who did this to his party.

if someone was bullying you would you invite them to your house for dinner/out for drinks etc
if answer is no then why should your child
it is not a teaching moment or a child has sen needs it about your child enjoying his birthday with his friends
you have to decide what is more important your child being safe or bully feeling included therefore given the green light to be mean as he will be rewarded

As someone who dealt with this kind of person, a true bully kid is not held back by his parents. In fact, they smile on indulgently watching their spawn do awful things.
May own kid’s (or his whole class’s) bully would be standing throwing bricks from the mud garden across the school playground, or spinning a car tyre and lobbing it into the crowds of children waiting to get in most mornings, usually resulting in a screaming, injured child. Granny and mum would stand and watch him do it, smiling ant their boy being “high spirited” or living up to the “boys will be boys” shite. And for some unknown reason, the teachers did fuck all. They wouldn’t even come outside to see. The only thing we parents could think of was perhaps because bully’s mum was previously a teacher in the school and these were her ex colleagues? Honestly I will never know nor understand. Luckily a new headteacher arrived and the boy was moved to a different school after the mum started getting called in finally.

I honestly think you are overthinking this.
You have decided on the guest list and now need to stick to it. If you start adding him and then the other boys, it's going to look unfair to the girls if there are only a handful of them why they didn't get invited.
Hopefully you now have parents numbers from them replying, so I would save these for any playdates or next year's party. Looking back I now remember trying to hunt down parents on Facebook to message them to avoid taking in paper invites. We also had a group chat and in the first few years, or even when new kids joined the school, parents would message saying is the parent of Alice, Fred and Ben in the group. It was fairly obvious they then were going to do a separate group and sort out a party, but this avoided the drama of invites in school. The only time it did cause upset was the time one parent asked the whole group whether they would attend a party in winter in a barn, as it would be cold. She even included the date. Lots of parents replied saying they absolutely would still attend, child would love the activity. Closer to the date one of the other mums messaged me to ask whether my child had been invited, as she had commented saying her daughter would love it, but had not been asked. Mine hadn't either. So I think the parent was a little careless in not just making a separate group for those she wanted to attend and then asking.
Either way this shows whatever you do has potential for upset!

What kind of message does inviting his bully send to your son? No way. Actions have consequences, never too young to learn that

He has said he'll be nice to your son if he is invited to his party, so presumably will continue to be unkind if he's not invited, I think he's playing you both, even at 5 he's turning into a not very nice jealous boy. I wouldn't invite him. If he is sorry for his behaviour it should be in a meeting 1 to 1 at school.

Absolutely not.
My son had a bday party where he invited around ten people. One boy in particular kept crying to the teacher whenever the kids chatted about his party on the lead up to it, and even cried and screamed at his mum in the playground because he wasn't invited and said it wasn't fair. This kid wasn't invited as he wasn't one of my sons good friends, he had been mean to him a lot in the past. I did ask my son to reconsider and let him come, if the boy hadnt been horrid to him recently, but my son was adamant that he wasn't coming. Fair enough. Kids know their own minds.

Oh and I'd also tell the teacher he's telling other children to tear up their invitations.

That is something I'd definitely want to know about if it was happening in my class.

The teacher will be able to talk to the whole class and explain about birthday parties not being whole class as you get older and that not everyone gets invited and that's OK. And that it's absolutely not ok to intimidate someone into inviting you because that is absolutely not being a 'good friend'. The other children will also be reassured that it's OK to have boundaries and not include people that are not your friend. Because it is.

This child.might only he 5 but so will most of the other children in the class. They are too young to know what is appropriate behaviour or not and all need to be taught. Children will never feel.empowered to stand up to their bullies by telling an adult if the adults around them ultimately collude with the bully.

Now it kind of sounds like the bully is bullying you, it sounds like he has the potential to grow up to be a very manipulative man. He now knows that nasty behaviour gets the result he wanted

Tbh after thinking about it, I'll probably invite the other 2-3 boys not going. I paid for a certain amount of kids at soft play and I was concerned going over, I'm sure a few may drop out between then and now anyway and I don't think the soft play place will have much of an issue with an extra kid or two if not. That way everyone gets included, including the bully.

There's so much wrong with this.

All this tying yourself in knots to include a child who's unkind to your child.

And more than anything the absolute last thing this will do is make this child kind to the other children.

All you're going to do is reinforce the message that behaving badly gets him what he wants.

You've said he doesn't fully understand, but you should as an adult so stop being a people pleaser, tell him no. I don't know why you're letting a 5 year old be bullied into inviting a bully to his party!

I wouldn't leave one boy out of a party but he would be assigned an adult 1:1 to supervise his behaviour the whole party.

He was happy with who was invited until the bully started demanding to go to the party and had your son start questioning himself which is what he wanted, as you said, he seems to take advantage of that.

I'd explain to your son that the invites are set, things can't be changed now and that's that.

But you'd risk spoiling another 6 yr old boy's birthday party?