To be hesitant to invite my sons bully?

I think it's a shame that the OP listened to the "But he's just a little boy" "be nice" posters before the more reasoned voices turned up.

Schools are required by law to be inclusive, treat everyone fairly, to consider the bigger picture, not play favourites etc. Which is why it sometimes looks to parents like bullying situations aren't handled the way parents would like or schools find it hard to balance the needs and rights of both/all children in these situations.

The same obligation does not exist for parents arranging birthday parties.

Personally, as a parent and a teacher, I think it's really sad the OP has felt the need to go back on the original plans and include a child who was hitting, pushing and being unkind to her child. The fact he pushed him after he was told he could come shows that it isn't going to stop the behaviour because these behaviours are complex and the dynamics between the children already established.

Schools have very little power/few resources to manage/change these behaviours. Sometimes it has to come from experiencing the consequences of them directly, such as not having anyone to play with or not being invited to birthday parties. And the other children deserve some respite from it. I appreciate that some don't like the word bully applied to such a young child but it doesn't change the reality or the impact of the behaviours.

All.this little boy has learnt is that he was told no, he wasn't invited; he told other children to tear up their invitations becaise he wasn't invited; he promised the OP's son that he wouldn't hit him again if he allowed him to go. And then he was invited. And then he pushed the child, and he's still going. He has learnt this behaviour works for him. He's too young to reason that he was given a chance and so had better change his ways. He has learnt that hitting people and being unkind works.

My children are 18 now and one thing I learnt is this is not about this one child feeling left out - it’s about showing your son it’s important to have boundaries and if someone is bullying him or he does not like someone it’s ok to make a boundary and not invite this kid. In fact it’s important you don’t - because if you do you are showing your son other peoples feelings are more important than his own. And if he approaches the world that way unfortunately that will make him more at risk of further bullying from others.

Oh don’t be so wet. The kid is a little shit. Hopefully he’ll grow out of it but in the meantime, he doesn’t get to come and be a little shit at the party.

so you make your son miserable on his birthday and the rest of the class feeling awkward so this one kid can be rewarded for hitting your son yes great message giving out if people bully/hit you that's ok we will invite them to a nice outing and say well done for being a bully

I know it isn't helpful...

But this is one of the many reasons why I dislike the "need" to invite loads of people to a kids birthday party. Whole class.. half the class..

I guarantee that it is 90% of the time all for the parent's benefit. Most kids are happier in a smaller mix of people that they actually like and get on really well with, rather than a chaotic mess of classmates.

Of course if you invite all the boys except one, it isn't good... but why do you need to invite all of the boys? How many does your son actually see and play with regularly outside of school and are actual friends that he would care about coming?

We didnt invite DDs bully last year. One of 3 girls not invited. This snub changed her behaviour for the better....for now. It had the desired effect. I think people treat children like they are stupid when they really are not.

Do not invite someone who hits your DC to their birthday party. It’s poor boundaries, a terrible example to set for your DC and unlikely to go well for you, DC or many of the other kids at the party. (And quite possibly not for the bully, either).

Even if you’d invited the whole class except the bully, I’d say that was a mistake but that wouldn’t make inviting the bully appropriate. It’s not your DC who made the mistake, he shouldn’t suffer because of it. Since you’ve not invited the whole class, there’s no good reason to invite the bully.

I would be a bit more on the ball with the school over the bullying, though. Physical assault has the potential to completely obliterate your DC’s confidence at school and ruin his entire school career and it seems the boy does not have the social skills to deal with his disappointment without lashing out. And kids are frequently remarkably reticent to tell adults when they are being targeted, I think they think it must be normal and because things rarely happen instantly if they mention something, they seem to think it’s pointless to say anything at all.

I do agree with you that a 5 year old might well be disappointed to see invites going out to other children but not him - I don’t think that was the most thoughtful way to invite some members of a class to a party not all of them will attend - he probably wasn’t the only one disappointed. Nevertheless, he responded in a way he shouldn’t have and the teachers probably need to know he’s struggling. It will be much harder to get strong action if it becomes needed if you haven’t been discussing things that have happened in the run up. I don’t mean trying to insist on the school punishing him or anything. I just mean voicing concern or admiration when things worrying or good incidents happen and listening to their perspective so you and they have a rounded idea of what’s happening.

I must admit, I'm getting curious "who exactly is the bully here?" vibes.
@confusedlady10 I think you need, first and foremost, to get the school to step up in their response. Worrying about party invites seems oddly mis-matched to the situation you describe. If what you've written is true, and this little boy is doing things like punching your son in the lip, birthday party invites are the last thing you need to be worrying about.

You’re trying to be far too nice and need to stop it. It’s your son’s birthday, you shouldn’t risk this other boy ruining it. I wouldn’t give it any more thought.

Next time don't hand out invitations at all, just set up a Whatsapp group with the parents of the kids you are inviting.

And obviously you don't invite a bully.

Why are you inviting an unpleasant little boy who may well even bully your son at his own party??

Your poor son and the rest of the class now have the chances of having a party spoiled by someone who has consistently been bullying and manipulating the kids in the class. I don’t care that he’s only 5 he has made kids lives miserable. My grandson is now 10 but there have been two kids in his class who the last two years make his school day really hard by relentless name calling and pushing. I would have absolutely no qualms about not inviting them to any party even if it was just them not coming. If they dislike my grandson so much as to target him most days then they don’t deserve a party and my grandson doesn’t need to be anxious. Putting your foot down teaches your child that it’s ok to have boundaries and not pander to bullies. Sorry OP I think it’s been made way too complicated. And also I wouldn’t care what other mums think it’s my child that’s the most important person.

Did the other invited children know that the bully hadn't been invited; and do they know now that he has been?

If he's been bullying all of the class, to the extent that they avoid him, you might now find that some of your DS's actual friends who have been invited change their minds and don't come after all, because the bully will be there.

I agree with PP: it's horrible that he'll feel now that he has to watch his back and not relax properly and enjoy the fun at his own birthday party.

I get the impression that far too much has been put on your son here. He’ll want to invite the other boy because being kind/nice/inclusive is the taught thing.

I think you should’ve been the adult here and told your son that the other boy does not get to hurt him then come to his party. That people who hurt him aren’t his friends, and that they aren’t included, end of story.

Personally, I think you’re setting your son up to accept being treated like shit in the future. Teach him how to fight back against this little boy instead.

Having read the update about the latest pushing you need to stop being such a bloody wet wipe. Do not invite the boy who keeps physically pushing your child around.

Is the correct answer.

I wouldn't invite him. He has bullied your child so why would you want to risk having him at the party?

Your child should be able to spend his birthday and his party not worrying about the presence of this other boy.

I think it is perfectly fair and reasonable to exclude a bully. Actions have consequences. If his parents ever ask why he got no invitation then tell them the truth.

Have you invited the rest of the class yet? If not, there's time to pull this back.

Frankly the money side is irrelevant. It's lovely that your dad has offered to pay for your child's bully to come and be mean to him at his party, but the answer should have been no.

It's upto you as mum to demonstrate boundaries to your son. Instead you showed him how he needs to be nice to someone that has hurt and continues to hurt him emotionally and physically.

Your son is saying to invite him because he's a young child who has probably been told he needs to be nice. Deep down I can't imagine he wants someone that is so cruel to him to attend.

I feel quite sorry for him, especially because it's meant to be a treat for him.

Sorry, but I think you've screwed up here,.and his subsequent behaviour has sown that in shiny red flags. The question is what you can do here to make this fair on your son.

If you don't have the money to invite the whole class I certainly wouldn't waste money inviting someone who has previously bullied him.
And he's trying to say he will behave himself for an invitation, I wouldn't want to teach him that blackmail is encouraged with my child. I would want to teach him that if you punch my child you are not invited to his party.
It is literally how school teaches children to have better behaviour "if you behave badly you will miss the next school trip" etc.

Just invite the other boys and leave out bully and the few others. I wouldn't exclude just 1 child.

You need to stop making it all so complicated.

Does he bully any of the other children or is he deliberately singling your son out. I'd go to the school and ask what they are doing to protect your son.

Then escalate with the school. I started by going beyond DS’s teacher, asking safeguarding lead and Head what their bullying policy was and how they implemented it, and ended up getting together with other parents of children also bullied by the same child, and involving the governing body. The upshot was that the bully had a TA on him one-on-one during the whole school day, and his mother was banned from school premises and events.