To be wary of Uncle

You don’t accidently talk about sex to a child. This is what happened to you when you where a child and before you knew this wasn’t normal or acceptable so your mind this was normal but it isn’t.

How have things been? How are your DC getting on? The fact that you’re being a mum to your babies and showing them love and how wonderful a place the world can be after everything you’ve been through shows how strong and amazing you are.

You may not believe that, but we can see it from a distance and the things you’ve been made to endure over the years are more than most of us could ever even imagine.

How is your counselling going? You will need help to see your way out of things because of how you have been brought up. You don’t need to do everything at once, just take one step at a time.

We can only carry so much and when things get to much to carry, it’s ok to put some things down. For now, you’ve been made to deal with your uncle who you probably haven’t thought about for years so that will have opened up all sorts of things. The reason you’re confused about speaking to him again and why you’re wondering if what he did was wrong is because there’s a part of you that instinctively knows it was wrong but your upbringing meant that you’ve been told it was fine. When our parents/people in authority tell us as children that something is ok, we believe them. We all have an instinctive safety net to keep us from harm, but when we’re exposed to things that take us beyond that safety net we get a warning to protect us. If you’ve got an adult telling you to ignore that warning, it impacts all of your life as your instincts are reprogrammed. Your subconscious is shouting a warning but your thinking brain is telling you everything is fine so you go through life constantly on edge and constantly on guard and don’t know why. If you’re then surrounded by people telling you you’re the problem, it’s a recipe for a lot of unhappiness.

Keep posting, sweetie. There will be someone here who can help. Xx

Tell him to give you details of the care home and that you will make your own arrangements. tell him that if he is unable to provide this by return then you will be unable to visit your Grandmother and will not be responding to any further communication from him.

He abused you don’t give him any power, go to SS to find out information about nan and report him to the police for historic abuse.

"But other than being a bit inappropriate he didnt do anything wrong:

Your radar for what's ok is way off. He was part of the abuse. You can't trust him. Block him.

OP, I’m so glad you’re still here 💐

I think about you often and wonder how you’re doing.

Your uncle definitely sexually abused you. Nothing physical needed to have happened, it was still sexual in nature and still affected you in a negative way. No child should be exposed to sexual material/acts and I’m sorry this happened to you.

His not telling you things is him controlling things. He could quite easily tell you where his mum is but he’s choosing not to (because he’s a horrible person). He doesn’t need to speak to you or spend any time with you, he could quite easily just text you the name & address of the home. 30 seconds of his time. That’s it. The fact he’s not demonstrates what sort of a person he is. He knows you want the information and are concerned about your gran and need to arrange flights to see her. A normal person would have told you by now so you could make arrangements.

If you know where she usually lives you could start calling care homes to see if you can find her. Might take a while but at least you’d feel like you were doing something.

Take care of yourself xx

I can relate to this, I always thought my dad was my safe person, he had know choice but to leave and the biggest head fuck… At least he loves me.
The truth is, he chose to have children with an abusive piece of shit and then chose to leave me, a seven year old and my five year old brother because it was to much for him… It was so hard for me to accept that he couldn’t have loved us, if he had he would have taken us with him.
Op everything you’ve described is awful, I’m no expert but I am 5 years no contact and I have started to deal with it. I reported it to the police… It ended with a charge and a court case which surprised me given how many years had passed. It actually helped having the police and courts acknowledge how disgraceful people have treated me. I’ve had therapy, I’ve learned coping techniques (mainly gardening like a lunatic when the memories are at their worst) And I know Mumsnet hates this phrase but acknowledging my inner child was a huge one but it’s true… The little girl inside of you who was so disgustingly abused needs to be heard, trauma fucks your brain, insomnia, depression, anxiety, the constant feeling of waiting for something to go wrong won’t begin to heal until you give that child the chance to tell her story.
Again i’m so sorry for you, non physical sexual abuse of a child is abuse and it’s fucking awful, don’t minimise what that man or anybody else did to you.

I have heard other survivors of severe childhood abuse talk about having to go through two different stages of confronting what happened. The obvious initial first one of say a physically abusive mother or sexually abusive brother and what that abuse has done to you. But then later a kind of secondary revelation that others who you might have viewed as on your side because 'mum would tell him to stop it and fight with him when she would find him in my bed' or 'auntie would take me for a milkshake when she knew my parents were on a bender'. In a child's eyes these people can seem to be on your side or even just 'not as bad as the others' but when they look back with adult eyes they realise that they were massively culpable in contributing to keeping you in a dysfunctional family by hiding abuse, keeping an abuser in the home, laughing off what was done to you, refusing to get social involved, scaring a kid about what would happen if they talk to a teacher. In most cases of severe child abuse and neglect there is a constellation of dysfunctional and culpable adults and often this has to be dealt with by survivors one ring of responsibility at a time.

Sorry if I've missed this but can't your parents tell you where your grandma is? Or another relative?

I grew up in a similar environment to you and it’s shit.
I felt like every one around me was obsessed with sex. I was never physically touched but I was put in an environment of seeing/hearing/viewing sex. It is sexual abuse and your uncle knows it. I’d either message him and say.. I’ve remembered the movies you used to make me watch and I want you to know you are a disgusting vile nonce, or I’d block him. Don’t minimise his actions, sorry this happened to you, I know it’s shit.

It’s a criminal offence what he did to you.

Section 12: Causing a child to watch a sexual actSection 12 makes it an offence for a person (A) intentionally to cause a child aged under 16, for the purpose of the sexual gratification of A, to watch a third person engaging in sexual activity or to look at an image of a person engaging in sexual activity.

I am sorry he did that. Don’t engage with him and as others have said try and call local care homes or social services. Do not go through him he seems to be using it as a way to contact/ control you.

OP this is so sad and upsetting to read. I'm so so sorry. You sound self-reflective and fair-minded, articulate and caring.
It's no wonder you feel sad and damaged. But none of it is your fault, and you can heal. Wish I could hug you ( if you'd like a hug).

Im so torn as this man was strange but didnt do much wrong.

He did ALOT of wrong.

Showing you sexually explicit videos when you were a child is classed as a form of sexual abuse. Im so sorry you experienced this.

Im also sorry to hear your grandma is unwell.

I would approach the subject by: Contacting your uncle and ask for the name/address of the care home and that you will make your own arrangements to get there, and you will arrange a visit with the staff -not him.

@Chickencuddle what your Uncle did was absolutely abuse, and you are not to blame in any way.

Your family , as I recall from what you said on your previous threads, were mostly all like him, and were utterly awful to you. Sexually, physically, emotionally.

None of that was your fault, either!

Please tell me you've now escaped from your abusive, coercive, rapist husband and you and your children have finally escaped out of the nightmare situation he was subjecting you to.

I often think of you and your past posts, and had hoped you'd escaped from him, and am glad you are posting , again.

Please, keep posting.

We are all here, supporting you.

💕

Yes, it is abuse. It is listed as a form of a child sexual abuse in the safeguarding legislation.

OP, in case you need more factual advice…

I work in the criminal courts. What your uncle did was a criminal offence that carries a potential prison term. I see people prosecuted very regularly for the offences he committed. The specific law is Causing a child to watch a sexual act, under the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

I’m sorry for what he did to you. Downplaying it is a defence mechanism. I hope you’re ok

Yes, it is sexual abuse. Im sorry he did that to you, he sounds awful and it appears he is trying to manipulate you more and have some power over you. When you are feeling able and safe, if you google this it will clearly tell you the various forms of child sexual abuse.

I would try to contact the care home without going through him, and then I’d never speak to him again.

He absolutely did do something wrong op

Because that's what abuse does - makes you feel like you don't matter. (In the abuser's mind, you don't). But you do.