26 year old never done laundry

of course this is not normal it’s ridiculous
My 2 year old “helps” with the laundry. He gets the clothes out the basket and into the drum, He will put the fabric softer up to the drawer so I can pump it in, he shuts the drawer and drum door will turn the dial (obviously I have to stop it on the right setting) and presses the start button
he then helps unload it and put it on the clothes horse (ok it’s messy and needs tidying up) and he hands me the pegs
honestly he wipes his own highchair tray and holds the vacuum handle as I push it around
I make everything a game/fun and praise him like crazy for helping me
I figure start it young and make it fun whilst I can then the expectation is always there
i don’t want to have my son posted about on here in 25 years time for being useless for his DP. Honestly I worry how people survive sometimes 🤣

I have a friend who’s 40 years old NT and her mum does everything for her, washing, cooking, cleans her room. I find it so embarassing and cringey and have no idea how she’ll cope when her mum dies or even if she got ill. I lived with my parents up until age 30 but have managed to do all that stuff since the age of about 14, have children and get married. Some people just need to get a grip and live in the real world 🙄

Not teaching him a basic life skill is a failing as a parent.

In our house MIL does the laundry as that works for us all (everyone has their own jobs around the house). However, the three that have already left for uni, 15yo DS and 13yo DD all absolute can do laundry. And in fact the 15yo took it on when MIL had surgery.

Being able to do the tasks, knowing they need done and there isn't a magic washing fairy, and knowing the basics of how to deal with it going wrong (not draining, colours running etc) is a basic thing kids should be taught.

One thing DS didn’t know about when he first went to uni was about sell by/best before dates. He learnt the hard way! Me and DS2 shop in-person together so he def knows!

My friend is like this with her son. He's 31 and autistic so still lives at home (but he drives and volunteers, he's not incapable) and she moans about HAVING to cook certain meals for him and do his washing and clear up after him. But whenever I say 'tell him to cook his own dinner' (he cooks for himself when she and I go away) or to do his own washing, she wades in with a load of bluster about how he can't do it 'properly' and he hangs the washing out all screwed up and he will only cook pizza... etc etc

In other words, she WANTS to baby him. She wants to do all these things for him because it makes her feel needed. So now I just nod and smile when she lists out to me all the things she HAS to do, and I keep my own counsel.

My 26 yo son is home for a bit before going travelling (was meant to be in 2020 but well…you know!). He’s entirely capable of running the household.
He came home and held the fort for my 16 yo last year when I was travelling for work.
I have raised my boys to understand that household tasks are everyone’s responsibility.

I have always done the laundry for my dc, my DS went to uni with zero knowledge about it, I merely told him to pick his favourite 2 programs and just use whichever suits at the time, he managed. I have told my dd the same and she’s figured it out for herself too. What utter nonsense it is when people make it seem like they need to learn some complicated formula.

I've always thought we are raising adults. My two could cook, wash up and do laundry as young teenagers. It's just life skills. Whilst I worry about them I don't have to worry that they won't feed themselves or have clean clothes and a home environment.

I was doing my own laundry at 11 because my DM ruined stuff when she did it.

For the whole household or for her own clothes?

I don't see how people doing individual washing works, isn't it wasteful on time and energy?

I don't know about that. My best mate at school never did any chores. Her mum even cleaned her room. Oh, how I envied her. We both left home in our late teens. She was much more houseproud than me because the minute I rented my own little flat and didn't have anyone to tell me off if I didn't have a tidy room, etc, I didn't bother until I had to.
I grew out of it, though I'll still never be as clean and tidy as my mother's house was (and still is) but I swear having chores as a child made me less inclined as an adult, partly because I didn't see the need for it at my mum's level. I found out the world didn't end if I didn't do the dishes immediately after dinner and nobody dies if you don't hoover every day.

I think that a few generations ago this probably was normal. For sons. Those same mothers would bring up their daughters knowing how to do everything for themselves but would expect to run around after their sons until they got a wife to do it for them!

DH and I are in our 60s and when I met him, nearly 40 years ago, he had been looking after himself for years- since he went to Uni at 18- so definitely at 26 he was perfectly capable of laundry and everything else. I assumed then that the old fashioned notions of men doing nothing about the house would die out with our generation, but clearly there are still some parents who live in the past.

I had a cousin like that, he was the same age as me. Lived at home with his parents until, well until they both died actually. Mum did everything for him. I remember when we were both 24 it looked like he was going to be relocated with his work and he might have to get digs in a different town. His mum was desperately worried as to how he would manage and whether he would be able to get home every weekend to get his washing done!

It’s quite simple. When they move out, the fridge doesn’t stoke itself, the clothes don’t wash themselves, and the bathroom isn’t self cleaning. They do the tasks that need doing because they need to do them. I guess the proviso for this is that they are used and want order, cleanliness and tidyness.

I accept that a parent may need the help and require/expect help from children, but this is different to assuming that this is the only way they will learn to be independent.

I wouldn’t dream of telling any parent that they should not give ‘chores’ to their children. I do push back on claims that not requiring children to do chores means they will be inept or shellfish adults. I am my adult children evidence this isn’t the case.

I disagree, these people don’t have the initiative to do that.

Yeah, I'm always puzzled by that. We live in an age where you can find instructions on how to do just about anything without even having to go to a library to get a book out. I don't understand these stories of the 'helpless' generation when they have so many resources.

I think you are right. 'Can't is won't'.

Well, I'm a single mum so I can't do it all. My kids have to do chores and take part in the running of the household. I don't know how you make kids realise that chores are a normal part of life without them actually doing the chores as a normal part of their lives

I didn’t have any chores to do as a child. Both my parents managed the home in a shared way and were happy to do household tasks as a ‘job lot’ (chucking in my washing with theirs and cooking a extra portion etc) with what they were doing anyway.

When I left home I did not have a problem recognising when household tasks needed doing and when. It’s pretty obvious. My life was so different to when I had been at home, that any habits or patterns regarding when I did ‘my chores’ would have changed significantly anyway.

I think my parents approach, in addition to teaching me thoughtfulness, taught me that household tasks are no big deal, they are not a burdensome chore, just something to weave into life to help you tick along smoothly. A little bit each day, whilst listening to an audiobook or podcast, isn’t a big deal. I have 3 children (all adults now) and worked full time after maternity leave. The early years were brutal in terms of exhaustion and no time to myself, but once they were school age, it was fine.

My ds has SEN, and incontinence issues. He's been cleaning up after himself since he was about 10, as the paediatric gastroenterology nurses thought that this might help him to stay clean. It hasn't, but he does know how to use a washing machine with my help.

My other DS can put on a wash as well. He's 17.

Teach your ds everything he needs to know, and there's no need for him to get to 26 years old and you worrying about him after 4 days home alone

It's not about the time it takes to teach them , it's about time getting used to doing it!. If they have grown up doing no chores, they are going to find it extremely hard to all of a sudden have all these chores to do. It's been a battle getting my 14 year old to do chores because I didn't start making her do them young enough .

My younger DS used to moan and complain (and also call me various names) when I wouldn't do his washing when he was in Sixth form. I showed him how to use the machine and backed right off (did the same with cooking too, but not to the same extent). Oh, the arguments!

Then he went to University and rang me at the end of his first week to sheepishly tell me that he'd had to show a whole load of his cohort how to work the machines in the laundrette and how to cook a basic meal. I wouldn't say he was grateful, but he learned the lesson and I was Mrs Smuggo for quite a while after that.

My DN has his own hoover at 2. It actually ucks things! He LOVES it.
Like it's not strong at all, but he is very happy with it.

Whilst a young adult living at home should be able to turn their hand at all household tasks, I think people doing their own laundry within a household is barmy. Put on a full load for heavens sake. And how many late teens and twenty agers are really unable to google instructions? I don’t see what’s wrong really with the mum in the OP missing her adult son and hoping he’s OK, I have the same thoughts about mine, similar age, and he’s been living with his partner since he was 19, doesn’t mean I don’t still hope all is OK when he’s away. Presumably it’s not the first time the young man mentioned has been away without his parents at 26. Maybe the situation was more that he’d gone away with only the tiny underseat bag and she was hoping he’d be able to find some way of getting his stuff clean without full laundry facilities.

Well I never did laundry growing up. My mum is a bit of a clean freak and honestly a bit controlling with stuff like that. But I went to uni at 18, took my stuff to the laundrette and was absolutely fine because I could read the labels and the dosing instructions on the detergent. It’s not some military operation or something that you need to start training for as a toddler. The odd part about this man is not so much that he’s never done it because that would totally have been me if I still lived at home at 26, it’s the fact that he can’t look at a few labels and figure it out. Does he have a job because I would honestly wonder how he manages if he can’t follow basic written instructions…

I think it's tempting to protect your child and make their life as easy as possible, but ultimately parenting is about fostering an independent resilient adult who will be able to fly the nest successfully.

I think a lot of people if they've never been expected to do it or made to do it then they won't. My own parents naively assumed I'd start to pick up household tasks as I got older, won't be making that same mistake with my kids.

How long do you think it would take to teach a young adult how to do the laundry? I honestly think that 10 minutes would cover everything, from reading labels, choice of detergents, colour separation, loading, choice of cycle, pegging out, tumble drying, folding. Ironing might take a bit longer, but I don’t iron and so YouTube would be a better bet.

I think whatever age they were taught, it is likely that their most powerful lessons will come from ruining a favourite light item by not noticing the red sock that made it into the drum or shrinking their favourite jumper.