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Original poster

Should I have lied?

164 replies

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 15:12

I recently broke up with my partner of 10+ years. Despite breaking up and telling him to move out he's still here quite often, he showers here, eats here and has said that he needs to sleep in the sofa until he sorts out accommodation.

My little sister has been staying with me over the summer until she goes back to uni. I obviously told her about our breakup but nothing more. The other day he asked me if I had told her that we had broken up, I said yes. He said he found it weird that she was staying up late considering he needed to sleep in the sofa and asked whether she was doing it on purpose so he couldn't sleep there because I told him I didn't want him staying in the house. I told him that she wasn't and didn't know anything about him staying in the sofa or me wanting him out because she didn't.

My sister found out today and was annoyed at me for telling him. She said it makes it awkward for her whilst he's still around the house and she's here for another 2 weeks until she goes back to uni.She said I should have lied to keep her out of it but I don't think I should have. She thinks I should have lied and said I didn't tell her to keep her from being involved and avoid any awkwardness. I don't think I should have lied and that there's no reason for it to be awkward. Am I being unreasonable for thinking she's overreacting?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 22/09/2025 17:18

Me too

BMW6 · 22/09/2025 17:17

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 17:15

Yes. We have 5 kids. They are ours

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Weird as fuck, I'm out.

Original poster
Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 17:15

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 22/09/2025 17:06

Hang on. Kids? You didn't mention those before. Whose are they: his? And how old are they?

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Yes. We have 5 kids. They are ours

OP posts:
louderthan · 22/09/2025 17:14

Please just kick him out and change the locks. If they are his kids, take some advice on how to move forwards with custody arrangements.

shhblackbag · 22/09/2025 17:12

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 22/09/2025 17:06

Hang on. Kids? You didn't mention those before. Whose are they: his? And how old are they?

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This is a huge dripfeed.

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 17:10

gannett · 22/09/2025 17:06

That was quite the casual drip-feed there, indeed.

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And utterly depressing

shhblackbag · 22/09/2025 17:09

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 15:38

Mine

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Then kick him out? Bizarre.

gannett · 22/09/2025 17:06

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 22/09/2025 17:06

Hang on. Kids? You didn't mention those before. Whose are they: his? And how old are they?

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That was quite the casual drip-feed there, indeed.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 22/09/2025 17:06

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:32

He was here till yesterday. I'm asking because my sister asked me to post and asked for opinions as she thinks she's right for being upset that I put her in an awkward position by telling him and she will still have to see him before she goes back to uni. For example if he comes over to see the kids.

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Hang on. Kids? You didn't mention those before. Whose are they: his? And how old are they?

gannett · 22/09/2025 16:57

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:47

Sister here. I am staying here short term. This is an on and off relationship that has been on and off for 10+ years. It's also been extremely toxic and this is a man who isn't been above inflicting violence on my sister, aswell as constant theft and cheating but they are still together and he is constantly around. My only grievance is that he didn't need to know that I am aware of their situation right now whilst I am still living here and when he hasn't fully moved out. I don't feel particularly safe around him or comfortable, especially if he thinks I'm being vindictive, I'm worried he might be angered and do something . I'd hope I'd never be in harms way but I don't put anything past anyone, especially not someone who's caused harm previously.

I don't think it's imature or odd for me to hope that she wouldn't involve me by telling him I know, and potentially causing me to experience hostility or a tense atmosphere until she is finally strict about kicking him out which is not happening as of yet, and I don't expect it to for a while due to past experience.

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OP's sister I feel your pain. It's unbelievable how long some toxic relationships can carry on for and how some people simply do not want to break the on-off-on-off cycle. At this point you just want to be left out of it completely which is understandable.

However if it's really that toxic I question why you'd want to live with it even on a short-term basis. Did you have no other options? I hope that once you move out, you'll be able to stay out. If you live in your sister's house, there's a limit to how you can keep yourself out of her mess and this kind of thing was always going to inevitable given the volatility of their relationship.

OP, I presume this will fall on deaf ears but for the love of God make this break-up a final one, tell him to get out and stop putting your loved ones through this shit.

SamphiretheTervosaur · 22/09/2025 16:55

Then, Sister Here, stop pressurising her to consider your feelings and help her pack his shit, change the locks and get some professional help to set and maintain boundaries - like he NEVER sets foot back inside her house again!

ClawedButler · 22/09/2025 16:55

Oh well that rather puts a different complexion on it.

Him knowing that your sister is aware of the situation actually does put her in a vulnerable position, in view of his past behaviour.

OP, you need to sh1t or get off the pot. You can't have him hanging around like this, being a danger (emotionally, physically or mentally) to you and to anyone else there.

What I'm hearing is that you have put your need to placate this man with woolly prevarications over your sister's safety. In which case yes, you are being very unreasonable.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that this is no longer his home and never will be again. Leave his stuff on the front doorstep if you have to.

3456DDF · 22/09/2025 16:54

he might think she's part of a plot to kick him out

A plot?? This is hardly Agatha Christie. Just tell him to get out for goodness sake

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 22/09/2025 16:52

@Lillylillyflower ex does not ever get to come into the house to see the kids. he can see them outside. not over her threshold at all!! any threats, call the police, get a restraining order if necessary. you sis needs to grow a pair and stand up for herself and her children.

latetothefisting · 22/09/2025 16:51

I'm confused

What exactly is your sister annoyed that you told him? That you'd told her you'd broken up in the first place or that you told him that you told her?

Presumably she would have been both annoyed and confused if you hadn't told her you'd broken up and she came out in the middle of the night for a drink or whatever and seen him sleeping on the sofa.

Personally I would think it would be much weirder if you know you've broken up, he knows you've broken up (albeit he doesn't seem to understand what that entails!) and she knew you've broken up but she wants all of you to pretend you haven't! Why?

She's talking about not wanting to make it awkward in the future - how long does she want you to pretend she doesn't know for? Surely pretending you don't know something you do is more awkward than everyone just being on the same page and acting like adults.

Basically op it's your house - youre doing your sister a favour by letting her stay there, youre already struggling with a break up and an ex who was refusing to leave, it sounds like you haven't told the kids yet, she is being unreasonable to expect you to add an additional layer of ridiculous to it all by also pretending she doesn't know when she does.

SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetter · 22/09/2025 16:50

I wouldn't stay in with someone who is violent. Can you stay with your parents or a friend? It's very odd that your sister hasn't taken the opportunity to change the locks and refuse to let him back in the house, but then people are odd...

diddl · 22/09/2025 16:49

I don't think you should have lied.

If she didn't like it she could have moved out.

Or could she?

Maybe she could be a bit more grateful to you for housing her?

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 16:48

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:47

Sister here. I am staying here short term. This is an on and off relationship that has been on and off for 10+ years. It's also been extremely toxic and this is a man who isn't been above inflicting violence on my sister, aswell as constant theft and cheating but they are still together and he is constantly around. My only grievance is that he didn't need to know that I am aware of their situation right now whilst I am still living here and when he hasn't fully moved out. I don't feel particularly safe around him or comfortable, especially if he thinks I'm being vindictive, I'm worried he might be angered and do something . I'd hope I'd never be in harms way but I don't put anything past anyone, especially not someone who's caused harm previously.

I don't think it's imature or odd for me to hope that she wouldn't involve me by telling him I know, and potentially causing me to experience hostility or a tense atmosphere until she is finally strict about kicking him out which is not happening as of yet, and I don't expect it to for a while due to past experience.

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Does your sister have an SEN? Would you regard her as a vulnerable person?

oh and fgs grow up. This isn’t about you

Original poster
Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:47

BrownLycraBottle · 22/09/2025 16:27

You appear to have two people living in your house neither of whom own it but both of whom are telling you what to do.

In addition to which you and your sister appear to have extremely avoidant styles of communication.

Being clear and direct is always better.

1)If he is currently staying with a friend get a locksmith round asap to change the locks. Meanwhile bag up all his stuff.

  1. You sister is being quite odd and silly but if you do 1) above the problem is solved.

Sister here. I am staying here short term. This is an on and off relationship that has been on and off for 10+ years. It's also been extremely toxic and this is a man who isn't been above inflicting violence on my sister, aswell as constant theft and cheating but they are still together and he is constantly around. My only grievance is that he didn't need to know that I am aware of their situation right now whilst I am still living here and when he hasn't fully moved out. I don't feel particularly safe around him or comfortable, especially if he thinks I'm being vindictive, I'm worried he might be angered and do something . I'd hope I'd never be in harms way but I don't put anything past anyone, especially not someone who's caused harm previously.

I don't think it's imature or odd for me to hope that she wouldn't involve me by telling him I know, and potentially causing me to experience hostility or a tense atmosphere until she is finally strict about kicking him out which is not happening as of yet, and I don't expect it to for a while due to past experience.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 22/09/2025 16:44

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 15:38

Mine

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Then don’t ask. Tell him to leave. Does he work ? If so pack his belongings and leave them outside the front door and change the locks.

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 16:43

Op… do you have a job?

Keroppi · 22/09/2025 16:41

No your sister is wrong and socially awkward, who cares. You've split up! If she sees him in future she just can exchange pleasantries and move on with her life.

BlazenWeights · 22/09/2025 16:41

I guess this is reason number 245 for getting married or having a joint mortgage. I couldn’t imagine being kicked out with no notice and nowhere to go after being in a relationship off over 10 years and with kids together….. my mind is blown. I thought people usually discussed this and gave someone time to find a new place, by time I don’t mean 2 weeks. This doesn’t sound unfair?

ReplacementBusService · 22/09/2025 16:38

Lillylillyflower · 22/09/2025 16:32

He was here till yesterday. I'm asking because my sister asked me to post and asked for opinions as she thinks she's right for being upset that I put her in an awkward position by telling him and she will still have to see him before she goes back to uni. For example if he comes over to see the kids.

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Ah. I think it's better in the circumstances everyone knows what's going on, out in the open and not to lie about it

DashboardConfession · 22/09/2025 16:37

Who wouldn't tell their sister who is living with them that she's ended a 10 year relationship? Why did he even ask her if she knew?