To think men don’t actually want equality in relationships, they just want women to do both roles?

I run far far away the minute a man says he wants to be a provider and protector I'm in my 20s and women have strived ahead but men have not and it's on more parents to teach their boys to be domesticated and not leave it to a woman

They're the same about any woman who has had a child by donor too.
I suspect most men wonder why women have kids with men who aren't them a lot of the time, after all they usually have hugely competitive egos when it comes to their sperm IME. A woman who made a choice? Hmmm, not sure I agree with THAT.

Yeah well I'll never understand men!

I should add, I'm FT on a professional position.

My DH is not like that at all and is early 40s, tbh he's a bit old fashioned and definitely has a sense of what a man should be doing. He loves cooking but he's definitely a 'provider' he doesn't realise it but he looks visibly worried about not being that.

100%

I hear it all the time. But they mean finances.

The amount of men I have seen who think an “equal” relationship is just about shared finances is bonkers to me.

Weird that given how negative so many men are about childfree / childless women.

YANBU.

And yet some of them seem to hate child free by choice women going by some of the comments ive had

Thing is if women didn't push for kids most men wouldn't bother. They probably assume looking after the kids is something you want to do.

Don't accept it; I certainly wouldn't of my husband. We both work, we both share the housework and childcare. My ex-husband is still of the opinion there is "man work" and "woman work" - a big reason as to why I left him.

Mostly I think you’re right. Not in my case I am happy to say and lots of my close friends have genuinely good partners who do want an equal and fair relationship. But it does seem to be the experience of many of my friends and family and it often doesn’t become clear until the children arrive.

Choose carefully and go slowly is my advice.

I think it depends very much on what is modelled at home and how empathetic they are. It is also why it is important what WE model to our children - the sons and daughters. If you’re a domestic doormat then that’s what they’ll expect to be/marry.

I watched my DM do it all so decided I was going to do a lot less.

But also, men suffered here too. They didn't keep up with the expectations, which were being sold to them too through films. If you stalk her with a boombox she will love you. If you act like a buffoon at a wedding like Hugh Grant you'll end up heading a publishing house with a younger woman.

Oh, wait.

This. We were sold a lie.

I agree. I’ve worked full time for years but done most of the child rearing. I separated from mg ex, then he went overseas for work for many years. Infuriating that he just expected me to do it all. Most of the drop off and pick ups, buying all their clothes, sorting all their appointments and washing all their clothes and general looking after them. He is paying for the uni costs and acting like some hero. Really p’s me off. Good thing is though that you can not say a bad word about their other parent, but they grow up and see who has done what.

I agree. I’ve worked full time for years but done most of the child rearing. I separated from mg ex, then he went overseas for work for many years. Infuriating that he just expected me to do it all. Most of the drop off and pick ups, buying all their clothes, sorting all their appointments and washing all their clothes and general looking after them. He is paying for the uni costs and acting like some hero. Really p’s me off. Good thing is though that you can not say a bad word about their other parent, but they grow up and see who has done what.

Things weren’t better without the vote, bank accounts, and the right to refuse sex. Picking which form of patriarchy is least worst is not the goal. The goal is actual egalitarianism. It’s not women’s fault that many men still want a servant/nanny who now also earns the same as them.

Stop your girls watching Disney princesses. Have them watch Studio Ghibli and their script will be about adventures, not waiting for Prince Charming. We pretend women should want marriage and that serves the patriarchy. Men should want marriage (seeing as they are happier, healthier and wealthier married). If this was the message, they’d make themselves worthy of it.

Do you really believe men and women aren’t equal? Surely not.

I think in a lot of cases women actually want this role though, which might be social conditioning but latterly, maybe not?

I was determined not to raise useless husbands, and my sons have done their bit since very young. They've both been very capable of e.g. cleaning the bathroom properly and other household chores since about 9yo and continued to do it regularly through aodolesence and early adulthood, but now they're adults I see GFs that seem to enjoy being indispensable and almost want them to be useless.

The current mediocre wife thread in AIBU is interesting and on the same subject

I saw a great quote a few weeks ago - 'Most men just want a nurse and a purse'. Someone to look after them and provide them with money.