To expect DH to help out

Your family member is presumably an adult with full capacity, so they need to sort their own finances out.

and your husband…. A high earner? You are very comfortably off with no money issues at all? No debt, no need to save for your own children etc ?

It is literally this blunt isn't it? Plus her DH didn't agree with giving money in the first place, so it's a double kick in the teeth really.

You need to give a bit more detail about the family member and why they're in the situation. If it's your 18 year old child and they were burgled and scammed and are now destitute I'm sympathetic. If it's your parent and they've made bad financial decisions, you are not responsible for them. Your responsibility is to your own family. Work to provide for your husband and children, if you want to. You could divert whatever you normally give to charity to your family member instead?

But basically, you are married so all your finances are joint (or should be). So you and your husband need to agree on how to spend all family income, no matter who earns it. If he has good reason to refuse to support your relative, and you still want to despite him, then I think you need to separate your finances in some way. I suggest a joint account to pay all bills, then split the rest 50% and he can spend his on fun and you can give yours to your leech parent.

The chores are separate.

You are becoming physically and mentally unwell because you are working to support someone else in financial trouble. You need to think about this. Also you said your husband could have helped but didn't - did he have legitimate reasons for not wanting to assist, like throwing good money after bad? I am sure you think that either you are being noble, or you have to help because no one else will - but good intentions which are ultimately driving a wedge between you and your husband, based off of a unilateral choice that you are made, are something you need to take seriously. If you were contributing to the household then it might well be different, but you're not, in fact you're contributing less because you are not at home providing your SAHM contribution. In an ideal world he would back you 100% but, as I say, are you backing a losing horse and he can see that much more clearly than you can?

This seems really odd.

Why would you be working when you are unwell to help someone else out?

I get they are a close family member and you love them, but you’re making yourself ill to help them. Why can’t they work?

Hmmm DH and I both work. If he took on a second job, gave the salary from the second job to a family member and said to me “I’m doing it, so therefore you now have to do more of the housework” I wouldn’t be thrilled.

I do think spouses should share the domestic burden, but this just doesn’t feel right. You have decided that the pair of you are going to put energy towards helping someone outside your household. You through using your income for that person instead of your own household and your spouse through additional labor. That should not be a unilateral decision. Taking significant resources from the household should be done by mutual agreement.

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work

Do you mean you initially wanted DH to continue financially to (your?) family member who is in a dire financial situation?

I think going back to work, purely to support a separate family member, is going to be hard within a household. Having two working parents is hard; if there’s no financial recompense for this, I can see why the other party could be resentful.

Why are you having to help this family member? Are they also helping themselves?

Who is the family member is the situation long term?

If DH doesn't agree, it doesn't seem right that all of your wages are going to the family member. What is DH's answer to the problem?

I can sort of see his point. Why are you making yourself unwell for someone else? I'm not sure I'd support someone that made this choice. How badly off can someone be that they require someone else to work to support them? Why can't they work themselves? Are they no benefits they could claim?

Well it sounds like he wasn’t in agreement with you returning to work, so I suppose he feels you have unilaterally moved the goalposts. However if you’re overwhelmed perhaps lower your standards at home and stop doing things like his laundry and tidying away his mess

Just stop dong the 80%. Do what needs done and leave the rest. Alternatively, leave. He sounds really uncaring and lazy

So you’ve gone back to work

not to contribute towards your immediate family but to help a family member who has got themself In such a bad financial situation that they massive financial help, from you.

Oh and you’re not in good health yourself?

bloody hell you must be very close to this family member op