To expect DH to help out

But you feel exhausted and overwhelmed because you are doing something you don't have to do. You might want to, you might even feel obliged to, but you don't HAVE to. It's a want, not a need.

So you're bringing it on yourself. Possibly for reasons you think are perfectly understandable, but, as we don't know what they are, we can only sympathise with your DH.

It is bizarre. And if he’s putting in work, admin and school runs to the household and OP is just putting in housework, then seems pretty even. Because the ‘work’ OP does literally just takes her away from them and contributes nothing.

I wonder if there’s some very deep cultural or (possibly unhealthy) emotional tie forcing her to behave this way.

He doesn’t want you to do this, so he is not going to facilitate this.

I'd be very upset if my DH was financially supporting another adult to the detriment of our family.

If you are determined to continue working to benefit someone else is there enough of your own income to also pay someone to do some of the work at home?

In this instance where you are not working to support the household and you chose to do so , I think he is well within his rights to expect your contribution to the household is still the role you played before , otherwise your contribution is literally zero. And that’s not fair is it?

So you have a shared life with you husband- financially and physically running the household. You used to do physical and he did financial. Now you want him to do half the physical as well as the financial because you’ve chosen to help someone when you don’t have personal capacity. You’ve agreed to help, your husband hasn’t, so the additional burden is on you. It’s not a great marriage. But you’ve made your choice, you don’t have moral high ground here.

You are responsible for your own actions. If you’ve chosen to work and your choosing to support your family member then it’s up to you to keep doing what you were at home. I think you’re massively out of order to expect your husband to do more if he chose not to help them but you did.

Why are you taking on another job to pay for a family member when your husband is working full time & supporting your own household? This is bizarre.

He is punishing you.
He didn’t want to help that relative. You’ve stepped up and gone to work instead, against his wishes…

Having said that, I think the reason why you were a SAHM before and why it’s ok for you to work would tip the balance one way or the other.
eg high earning husband who wants you at home to support his career is very different than a low earning husband, struggling to make ends meet and you refusing to work until it became about your relative.

My advice would be to carry in working tbh. You might need it regardless of what’s happening in the background

Agree with this completely.

I’m really struggling to understand why you would take on another job to help out a family member when you’ve got your own life and children to think about. How many days a week are you doing?

Did you and DH agree to this plan together?

Why should DH give some of his income to one of your family members.

Im really unsure if you have your priorities right here, without knowing the full situation

yes if you are both working he should be doing jobs in house. Either he’s really against u working/ helping family member or he making a excuse

Drop the ball. Do easy meals, have food shop delivered, just do yours and kids washing. Then on a weekend he has kids so you can clean up and you chuck hoover round quick tidy and and a couple hours rest

Yanbu

I started giving all of my wages to a family member unilaterally and my stay at home wife hasn't upped her financial contribution one jot.

It's remarkable how uncaring she is

Not to mention it sounds like it was initially expected that he supported this fault member, but refused. Who is this person who takes precedence over everyone else?!

If he does all life admin and school runs, and contribute 100% to the household income, it seems pretty fair to me tbh.

What's left is groceries (can be done online), cooking (fair enough, should be shared) and cleaning (if both working full time, the expectations cannot be the same as when you were SAHM).

I guess it depends what you include in admin and school runs, for me it's also getting kids ready, taking them to appointments, clubs etc.

So he's working full time, all school runs and life admin. Now he's watching you run yourself into the ground for someone else.... don't think I'd be too happy if I was him.

You are asking him to enable you to financially help someone else. You can see his point surely?

If you could do it yourself without it affecting him then it's your decision to make alone. If you need him onboard then it has to be a joint decision.

You can't have it both ways. You are essentially saying I'm going to do what I want regardless of what you want but you have to help me.

Yup indeed. I am all for helping out family - but not to the detriment of your own marriage and immediate family unit.

Who is the family member? Can they not manage their finances? Im a bit confused.

Added to which,,,, this money could be going towards their children, their pensions, their debts, their mortgage… I could go on!

He's doing the school runs & life admin & also working. If he wasn't doing the first 2 i'd be on your side a bit.

You've made the choice to work to help a family friend, why should he be doing even more just to make your life easier.
Totally with DH on this one, you have to own the choices you make.

But you’re essentially asking him to take care of the house, on top of a job, to help your other family member. As far as he’s concerned, presumably the solution is you stop working for the sole benefit of someone else?

You’re not going to be able to get any proper advice unless you tell us who it is, why and how long-term this is.

As it stands, I don’t think he is BU. You’ve decided to do this, these are the consequences. This really isn’t a normal thing to do for someone. Are they emotionally blackmailing you?

Why should he though? You’ve unilaterally decided to do this to the detriment of your family.

I imagine that he’s annoyed at you compromising your own health for this family member.
Are you being a bit of a martyr because he wouldn’t help ?
Your marriage is important too , don’t take it for granted .

Hmmm this is a tricky one. So you're working and all your money is being given to a family member? If you wanted to go back to work for your own interest/career development/mental health, or if your direct family was benefitting financially, that's one thing, but quite another to expect your DH to step up when he's seeing no benifits to you or the family, is quite another thing. And now you're making yourself ill over it all! I can understand him being a bit peeved.