Page 6 | To expect DH to help out

Crackersforlunch · 2025-09-22T12:53:30+00:00

I have returned to work to financially help a close family member who is in a dire financial situation. My husband could have helped but refused so I returned to work. Prior to this I was a SAHM. Although I have returned to work, I am still performing 80-90% of the housework. He does the school run and the life admin, and that’s it. He will occasionally tidy up without any prompting but usually I have to ask. He doesn’t view me as working as I’m using the money to help out my family member and financially contributing to the household. I get his point, but I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/09/2025 14:44

Sorry I’m on your husbands side. Why should he financially support the whole house and help out with the house stuff. I would be livid if my husband worked to support outside our family, quite frankly I’d find iit negligible to our children.

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 14:43

rainbowstardrops · 22/09/2025 14:41

There aren’t enough details to know if you’re being unreasonable or not.
Who is the close relative?
Why can’t they claim benefits?
Was your husband in agreement for you going back to work to support this person?
Without these answers, who can tell???
I know that if my partner was a SAHP and then went back to work to bail someone else out and not to contribute to the family money pot and then expected me to step up more with the housework then I’d probably tell them to piss off.

Whenever there is a striking lack of detail, the reasonable assumption is - the Op isn’t telling us the detail because it very much just adds to the impression that the OP is being unreasonable!

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/09/2025 14:42

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:40

Will do

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Are you going to tell us who it is and why? You’ve come on looking for support but won’t give any details. That usually suggests you know support wouldn’t be forthcoming if you gave the details.

I’m out.

Team DH.

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 14:41

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:40

Will do

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So you want a higher chance of support Op from your thread OP? If so, YOU said your Indians friends husbands would understand

rainbowstardrops · 22/09/2025 14:41

There aren’t enough details to know if you’re being unreasonable or not.
Who is the close relative?
Why can’t they claim benefits?
Was your husband in agreement for you going back to work to support this person?
Without these answers, who can tell???
I know that if my partner was a SAHP and then went back to work to bail someone else out and not to contribute to the family money pot and then expected me to step up more with the housework then I’d probably tell them to piss off.

Original poster

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:40

ForZanyAquaViewer · 22/09/2025 14:38

Then perhaps you would fare better posting this on the South Asian board.

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Will do

OP posts:

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 14:39

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:28

Sorry to sound crude - my white friends wouldn’t have done this but most of my Indian friends would have, and their husbands would have supported their choice.

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I wonder how involved your Indian friends’ husbands are with housework and cooking and school runs

ForZanyAquaViewer · 22/09/2025 14:38

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:28

Sorry to sound crude - my white friends wouldn’t have done this but most of my Indian friends would have, and their husbands would have supported their choice.

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Then perhaps you would fare better posting this on the South Asian board.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 22/09/2025 14:36

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:26

I am not taking on another job, rather I have returned to the workforce to earn and income
and help a family member.

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So you are prepared to get out there and earn some money for this 'family member' but you weren't prepared to do it to put money on your own household's table? DH was responsible for that was he?

WallaceinAnderland · 22/09/2025 14:34

Your 'job' was to run the household and provide childcare.

You have unilaterally decided to change that by working outside of the home so in effect you have actually taken on a second job.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2025 14:33

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:28

Sorry to sound crude - my white friends wouldn’t have done this but most of my Indian friends would have, and their husbands would have supported their choice.

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You don’t sound crude. That’s not the word. And that’s why I asked about any cultural reasons. The flow of money, respect, work etc. can vary depending on people’s culture.

But if it isn’t your DH’s culture, and it sounds like it might or might not be yours, there’s a disconnect. He doesn’t share your reasoning and he doesn’t have to.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 22/09/2025 14:33

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:28

Sorry to sound crude - my white friends wouldn’t have done this but most of my Indian friends would have, and their husbands would have supported their choice.

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But your husband clearly doesn't support your choice.

So what are you going to do to repair the damage to your marriage?
Do you intend to put this relative before your husband and marriage?

Nanny0gg · 22/09/2025 14:31

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:26

I am not taking on another job, rather I have returned to the workforce to earn and income
and help a family member.

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So you are working to support a relative and not your own immediate family?

You wanted your husband to help and he refused?

Can you not see why he doesn't want to do more at home? (though to be fair, it doesn't sound as though he was doing enough in the first place)

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 22/09/2025 14:31

I'm usually the first one to criticise if a husband isn't pulling his weight, but I think that the situation here is very different.

I'd be furious if DH took on extra hours at work or took a second job purely to support a family member.

How did your family member get themselves into a mess? And is this a short term solution, or will you be paying money to them for years to come?

whattheysay · 22/09/2025 14:30

This is bizarre. Nice that you want to help a family member but if my husband went to work to give all the money to his family then told me I had to do more to help him as he was getting unwell with the workload I would leave him.

Scottishskifun · 22/09/2025 14:30

Your not being unreasonable to expect him to pull his fair share of housework OP.
However you are being unreasonable for doing this in the first place - what's the long term plan here? If your already exhausted and drained and I'm guessing not long into this?
Also what is your family member doing? Often dire financial situations continue for a long time unless the person actually takes responsibility and the steps available to them including bankruptcy to rectify it.

Grammarnut · 22/09/2025 14:30

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:01

I am not making myself unwell but I feel exhausted and rundown; it could really help me if he committed himself to taking care of the house 2 weekdays to enable me to rest.
I feel overwhelmed and he is refusing to help.

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The solution is to go back to staying at home. You are only working for a family member who has got into their own financial problem. By subsidising them you are not helping. And we don't know who the family member is, either, so cannot even judge if your response is reasonable. I am thinking it might not be. Why are you having to sacrifice your life for someone outside your family?

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 14:29

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:28

Sorry to sound crude - my white friends wouldn’t have done this but most of my Indian friends would have, and their husbands would have supported their choice.

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And where do you and your husband fit in with this cultural positioning?

Flossflower · 22/09/2025 14:29

OP, really any money you bring in should go in the family pot. I am not surprised your husband does not want to help around the house if he is still expected to pay for all household expenses. If someone else needs money they need to sort themselves out.

Original poster

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:28

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2025 14:25

It is bizarre. And if he’s putting in work, admin and school runs to the household and OP is just putting in housework, then seems pretty even. Because the ‘work’ OP does literally just takes her away from them and contributes nothing.

I wonder if there’s some very deep cultural or (possibly unhealthy) emotional tie forcing her to behave this way.

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Sorry to sound crude - my white friends wouldn’t have done this but most of my Indian friends would have, and their husbands would have supported their choice.

OP posts:

Theyreeatingthedogs · 22/09/2025 14:28

Why don't you get the family member to do the household chores for you while you shovel money their way?

Fruitlips · 22/09/2025 14:27

@Crackersforlunch

You’re crackers to do this, and I would similarly WTF in your husband’s shoes .

Karmakamelion · 22/09/2025 14:27

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:01

I am not making myself unwell but I feel exhausted and rundown; it could really help me if he committed himself to taking care of the house 2 weekdays to enable me to rest.
I feel overwhelmed and he is refusing to help.

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Is the family member your family ie parent sibling or a child of both of you

usedtobeaylis · 22/09/2025 14:27

Of course YANBU. Sometimes we have to help other people. Even as a SAHM you shouldn't be doing 90% of everything.

Original poster

Crackersforlunch · 22/09/2025 14:26

ComfortFoodCafe · 22/09/2025 14:19

Why are you taking on another job to pay for a family member when your husband is working full time & supporting your own household? This is bizarre.

I am not taking on another job, rather I have returned to the workforce to earn and income
and help a family member.

OP posts: