To expect DH to help out

We just can’t tell who is being unreasonable here op, but many of us think it might be you being unfair to your husband. If my dh thought his income should goto a family member of his and I should cover the housework on top of my job to support him then in most circumstances I’d tell him to jog on and go live with the family member if that’s his priority, as I thought his family was right here with his wife and kids who need his support.

I very much agree, it does depend on context, and we need more information. But if the OP's husband is objecting to her helping a close family member receive life-saving treatment (when they have no other options), I think they probably have bigger issues than just the division of the chore-chart. As others have said, though the lack of detail and lack of openness to folks considering her unreasonable suggest that the OP probably doesn't have as much of a clear cut case here as in your example.

When you get married, you help each other through good times and bad, that's the deal isn't it? He needs to help you though this imo, as a team.

What happens if he suddenly said to you op..,, I need to get my entire salary to a family
member that you disagree that I should support ?

Maybe I missed something but he should be ‘helping’ anyway. It’s his house and his children, even if you were a SAHM he should be pitching in as far as possible.

It sounds like he genuinely doesn’t want the money to go to said relative, and I think you should be respecting his views op. Are you going to have the money repaid?

Why are you reluctant to say whether it's cultural or not OP?

It's coming across as a mix of cultures because you and your DH clearly don't have the same expectations.

Nah I’m Indian too and you sound incredibly unreasonable to me; I’m totally with your husband on this.

In fact if you want to play into Indian tradition then:

1. You shouldn’t be going against his wishes
2. He’s already going far above and beyond by even doing the school run, life admin and ad-hoc cleaning as traditionally all domestic duties should be your job - in India woman will often go out to full time work and then come home and do all the domestic chores too

You can’t just lean into stereotypes and traditions when it suits you and disregard them when it doesn’t.

I wonder if this family member is involved in something very very serious ie HMRC have basically said you owe us a huge amount and you have been defrauding the tax payer and we require you to pay it back (otherwise will definitely be criminal proceedings, probably anyway in fact)

thank you for a reasonable comment! The fact that it is so beyond others to imagine sacrificing for other’s is beyond me. And I’m not south Asian either, but I care about family and supporting others. I’m not in a position to do this myself, but I think it’s admirable

@Crackersforlunch I think we need a little bit more info to fairly judge the situation. If you're working in order to be able to support a family member with a life threatening disease whose treatment is too expensive for them then YANBU for ex. A friend of mine had to buy a treatment for cancer in the UK and bring it to her mother- it costed 1000£ a month so she worked really hard to do this with her dh supporting her. Some countries don't have access to medication/too expensive. If on the other hand you're working to support your deadbeat brother who lost all his money when gambling then YABU. You see OP, it really depends on the circumstances.

I can see both sides.

I'm white British, but having been with my Indian DH for over 30 years, I understand the obligations and expectations that can go hand in hand with Indian families. My DH has done a lot for his relatives that many British people would find excessive, but he was upfront about his obligations from the start and I knew what I was signing up to, so I have been happy to support it.

I do see it from your DH's perspective too, though, and I think these arrangements need to be agreed mutually between couples if they are going to work. What discussions did you have with him before you decided to go back to work?

Personally, I wouldn't ever want to see a close family member struggling, but if I wanted to make sacrifices to my own household in order to help them, it wouldn't occur to me to do this without agreement from my DH.

I am Indian and I think you are bring unreasonable. I don't think all Indians would do this. I wouldn't (unless it is for my child). I might want to help a family member, and I would be generous with what I have, but not to the detriment of my partner and kids. And, clearly, your husband (is he Indian too - only asking since you brought race into it?) is not on board, and that is the point (and not if the folks responding are Indian or not).

If you are resorting to stereotypes, it is also pretty common for Indian men to NOT help out around the house. My ex (who was Indian) certainly didn't. He didn't even do the school run or life admin. Part of the reason he is an ex.

I think what you’re doing is admirable and part of being a caring society and family member. It’s a shame he doesn’t see it that way either.

So he earns all the households money, does all the schools runs and life admin.

So you were staying home to cook, clean and do the shopping?

You have decided to go back to work to give all that money to someone else.

I wouldn’t be picking up your slack either, you could always hire a cleaner out of your wages and give this person £30 less a week.

In the more traditional Indian families I know men don't do house work at all so your H can't be all that traditional.
In a situation where you have a SAHP one person earns the money and the other persons "job" is to run the household and do everything related to that. Then the person who works helps out a bit as well.
OR both people work, contribute financially and both do the house related stuff.
You are neither contributing financially to the house nor are you doing all the housework
Your H has the worst of both worlds and you are being very unfair

I’d be massively resentful in your dh shoes. You are working to make money for someone else, not your own family unit.

sayinf that though, I’ve been a SAHM lost of my adult life and I’ve never done everything at home. Dh works full time but still cooks, cleans, does half of the stuff that needs doing as it’s his house too and he’s an adult.

I'm white and if my parents needed me to provide for them financially and I could do it without harming the family finances (which op can’t be doing as she wasn’t contributing before or after) then I would do it. You don’t say how old your DC are and how much more childcare your DH is doing - did he always do the school run?

the Fact you are struggling physically though brings another dimension to it and you do need to sit with your DH and talk this all through.

I cannot imagine any circumstances in which I'd accept my adult daughter's wages like this tbh. I understand that there are cultural reasons other people may feel differently to me. It is quite possible that the DH feels similarly to me though in which case his position is understandable.

I think you could be spot on there!!!

Yabvu.

You won't work because your contribution is the housework

But then you get a job and stop making your contribution at home.

Where are you being any sort of partner?

Unbelievable.

Unless that 'close family member' is your biological child, then I agree with your husband. Your priority should be the family that you created, your husband and children. And no, this board is not reserved for whites but you brought race into the debate as you clearly feel that it is relevant, in which case you might get more informed/relevant responses from people who understand the culture. I'm not Indian and I think you are being unreasonable, but perhaps because I'm not Indian I am missing the point.

When I was a SAHM the agreement was my job was children and house on week days and DH went to work. This was us both contributing equally to the household. When I went back to work we both worked and split the chores as we were both contributing to the family pot.

Are you putting any money into your household? I can see his point if you are going back to work and not giving any money to the family? Why should he earn all of the money plus do half of the job you both agreed you would do just so you could earn money not for the family?

I think it’s important to know destined who, why and for how long you will be supporting

i don’t think you are as unreasonable as others are saying - you are allowed to unilaterally decide you don’t want to be the de facto housekeeper and childcare. The fact you aren’t keeping any of your earnings obviously complicates that.

is it possible to use some of your earnings for a cleaner? What are you actually doing that exhausts you so much - do you have high standards?

I’m Black, so no. However, you’re the one who brought race into it. The majority of us here think you’re unreasonable and you seem unwilling to take that on board. You seem to think the issue is that we’re not Indian, so I was suggesting an alternative. I was actually trying to be helpful!

Is all the money that you are earning going to your relative or is some of it going into the family pot?

Is this a temporary or long term arrangement, i.e. will you need to support this family member for a limited period or for ever?

If your immediate family is gaining no benefit from you going back to work, I understand why your DH would be annoyed and reluctant to help more around the house to facilitate this support of your family member.