To expect DH to help out

Sorry, I think you are being unreasonable. Helping out a family member on an adhoc basis is one thing, but sacrificing your entire salary and expecting your DH to pick up the housework slack is unreasonable. Why does this family member need the money and why are you compelled to provide it. It sounds like manipulative or controlling behaviour

You are in partnership with him. Anything else you do to benefit someone else, that will be on you.

How lovely of you. Your family member is very lucky to have you. And your DH would do well to see what a selfless person you are for somebody in need. Hope he never requires the same of you!

Team DH here.

I wouldn't be very supportive if DH was a SAHP and then unilaterally decided to go back to work to support a relative. If the income was coming into our own home that would be different, but it's not.

Yes I have to agree that your DH should be helping out regardless.

there’s a rather unpleasant underlying assumption to this thread that OP is default housekeeper etc even when working

if OP earned 5% of her FH salary would that mean she is responsible for everything in the house?

anyway there is clearly a lot to unpick her and I’m not sure OP will come back. I don’t think it’s possible to really judge on the info provided

I think there are two things here.

Firstly - in the nicest way, since when is it your responsibility for another family member’s financial situation? Why are you having to work to pay this for them?!
Secondly - regardless of whether you are working or not, your DH should also be pulling his weight equally with you where possible, that is a husband issue.

WTF... why are YOU working and spending time away from YOUR family for some "family member" who is in the weeds because of their own doing? Even if the situation was out of their control, why are YOU the one getting a job for them??

I would be so annoyed if I were your husband. And, yes, I wouldn't do anything extra either. Its not his choice. It was yours.

I’m Indian and I’m team DH

Unless the person you're helping is a child you share together, your working isn't benefitting your husband or family at all. In fact, it's making things harder for them by making you increasingly unwell and unable to do your fair share at home. Your fair share was the SAH portion; the fact that you are now working means nothing under the described circumstances.

You need to ask yourself if this is your husband's responsibility? You made the choice, you carry the consequences. Why is this family member in dire financial straights? Through their own fault , poor judgement, or serious illness. If the latter, then perhaps you can get your husband to cut you some slack. If the two former, they need to get themselves out of the situation. Think about the future. Will any good come of this for you personally or will you end up falling between two chairs?

🙄

by the sound of it you got a normal guy you married, tolerated you being home for so long and regarded you as a wife....what happened so you are breaking your contract with your man. Marriage is a financial contract etc

Who is your relative, op and what de facto happened to them and what exactly are you paying for them? Can you move with them so at least you eat from the money you are giving them, shower and cook on the money you are giving them for the bills, sleep in the bedding that is being washed with your money buying the powder. I am with your husband on that one. Why are you not.....too

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

The problem with bailing out people who make poor financial decisions is that it's never enough. They bleed you dry, and then they're in no better position than before. And if it's due to misfortune rather than bad management (job loss etc.), often you're just postponing the inevitable (bankruptcy, business folding, house being sold etc) at the cost of more pain.

Tbh, if it's a scenario like this, I can see why your husband wouldn't want to throw good money after bad.

also, plenty of people work full time and do a lot of housework and school runs and are not ill from the stress. It's not normal to get ill from doing work and household. Maybe a check up at the GP is in order.

Nothing is making sense. I wouldn't be happy if DH is working all week and not bringing any dough home as he is handing the money over to someone else. You surely see how ridiculous this is.

Why are you expected to work to help another family member out? What sort of family member? Why can't they work themselves? If they are too ill or disabled, there are certain benefits. the current set it clearly doesn't work for you, not DH not the DC. stop it.

Because apparently your husband does not care about neither you nor your relative, but the relative gets your money, then I do not see any other alternative. At least when you move with this other relative, you are going to get some of your money back

Unless your relative is one of your adult children and they need your finances help due to divorce or sudden illness, I think you should not do it. About housework, that is your own domestic problem which only you can decide upon. As it is not currently working in your marriage and you already got your own money, you can divorce, move in with the relative who you finance and it will be a match made in Heaven, good luck op, you deserve someone who cares for your mental and physical health

@Crackersforlunch OP you have avoided the question which keeps being asked! is the family member requiring assistance a very elderly parent who is unable to work or is it a sibling who cannot get off their backside????

My DH is Indian, as is his family, and there is no way he or his brother would gift huge sums of money to my family (or his brother to his wife's family). They might give a loan though. So I don't think that being an Indian changes much these days, as things have moved forward. Many Indian wives work these days, too, and support their households. Posts like these only show that the financial pressure on middle-class Indian men these days and their wives' expectations are sometimes pretty crazy.

You're using your work out of the home to benefit an outsider, not your nuclear family. You want him to enable you by doing even more when his plate is full already.

You're working, he's working and doing pickups and life admin and some tidying. How are you becoming physically and mentally unwell from work and doing household chores? Are you working a ton of overtime?

Take some of your money and hire a cleaner

Well he’s not getting anything out of you returning work is he so probably doesn’t see why he has to do more at home. I’m a solo parent of 7 years I do all the housework myself and work full time.

YABU - you are being a rubbish partner. Your husband doesn’t agree with your decision so he isn’t going to support you. I don’t blame him

I would go out of my way to help friends and family, but within limits. I would never expect dh to help them/help me to help them without being asked and agreeing first.

Did you have that conversation with him about how as a couple you could support this person, or did you make the decision unilaterally and just expect him to do more?

I'd be interested to know how OP (and her DH) would feel about one of their own children giving up being a SAHP to work and pay them their wages in future.