To expect DH to help out

And he can stop paying her half of the bills whilst she gives her earnings to a family member

Thats not very nice! I am white and would consider helping my white family/close friends out of financial trouble.

Whats the story of the family member being in financial trouble? Why can’t they not help themselves? What relationship are they to you?

Why is your family member is financial trouble? Was it through poor life choices or an unexpected situation, such as illness, redundancy etc.

I’m guessing the former, which is why your dp
is not supportive of you, or willing to contribute financially? Ie, throwing good money after bad.

is the family member relying on you to sort them out? Are they making any changes to get themselves out if the situation?

Why?

I think hope the pp meant there are cultural expectations and so you will get more appropriate and relevant advice.

You are making yourself unwell though by working to help someone else! Regardless of how lazy your DH is

It's sounding very much along the lines of 'To not invite my Dsis for Christmas', and I've come to the conclusion that the likelihood of that being real is small. I think there's a poster seeking attention. The attitude of the responses is similar.

Thats a really racist and rude assumption.

Yeah, what a wanker, wanting his wife to support her own household rather than someone else's

Very minimal reply from poster is it a real situation

Maybe that person could come and do the OP's share of the housework, since she's apparently killing herself to support them.

Why are you putting your marriage and health at risk for somebody else?.
How long have you got to do this for?.
What about your kids!.
I’m sorry, but if a family member has gotten themselves in financial trouble, there are various charities that can help, there is free advise available.
Is the beneficiary expecting you to do this for the rest of their lifetime?.
Sorry, but I agree with DH, your priority must be your family first.
Your husband is obviously not going to co operate with you flogging yourself, for somebody else, when you have a family that needs you.
It’s a grand gesture, but sure to backfire or even lead to divorce.

And the person who is taking OP's wages? Have they noticed she is struggling? It'd be a cold day in hell before I took my child's earnings like that.

You probably shouldn't have been doing 80 - 90% of the housework (not sure if this includes childcare - I'm assuming so as you mention that he does the school run) even when you were a SAHP. Divide it up between the two of you 50/50 and then adjust as necessary based on the responsibilities each of you has outside of the household/immediate family. (Also, of course, adjust if there are children in the household which are either of yours from a previous relationship.) These include work, school/continuing education, and obligations to extended family. When you didn't have an outside job and he did, that probably would have taken the form of you doing all or most of the shared work while he was at work or work-related activities or commuting, and each of you doing half when he was home.

Now, he needs to take on even more. I'd suggest sitting down now together and listing out all the things that routinely need done and splitting them up, allowing for one person having fewer household obligations if they have more responsibilities outside. Keep lines of communication open so you can adjust if the one person is overwhelmed or the load seems unequal given the circumstances. One rule of thumb is that each of you should end up with roughly the same amount of leisure time (for hobbies, seeing friends on your own, or just relaxing).

Finally, and this may seem like a nitpick but it's important: he lives in the house too. They are (I assume) his children. He isn't "helping out" when he does his share. Helping would be doing MORE than his share if needed, for example if you were sick or especially busy one day - and you would do the same for him.

Depends.

All cohabitees should contribute to household tasks equitably, whether they have children or not.

Life admin is certainly a household task, especially when there are children in the household. But so is housework, including laundry, shopping for essentials, regular clear-outs, gardening, shared car maintenance etc. So depends how long each of the tasks take. For example, if most bills are paid digitally, then how long does that take, compared to (say) cleaning?

Also, adult household members (including adult offspring) shouldn’t assume certain tasks (e.g. cleaning and tidying) should fall to other household members (e.g. women/mothers). Women don’t exist to clean up after men. It should be discussed, agreed and regularly reviewed.

So, depends on whether you’ve discussed the sharing of tasks and whether they’re equitable. For exampIe, if you previously discussed and agreed that your DH would undertake paid work to be the sole provider of household income, while you work unpaid to cover childcare and more of the household tasks, then did you discuss how you’d manage household tasks if you returned to work, especially if your income isn’t contributing to household finances?

Clearly he doesn’t agree with supporting her relation, and who can blame him, it’s pure madness! Why work and give all your money to someone who is probably financially incompetent!

Well give up work. Why on earth are you financially supporting someone else? Harsh as it sounds their financial problems are not your problem. I think your DH is making the point that he doesn’t agree and who can blame him!

So you have gone back to work and are not financially benefitting at all? That’s absolutely INSANE. I don’t know that there is anyone I love enough to do that for, even my parents. I’m with your husband on this, you’re cuckoo. I’d be interested to know his reasons for declining to bail the family member out and let his wife go back to work. Must have been a good one. I chose YABU for that but I actually think it doesn’t really matter why you’re working. Fact is you are and he needs to step up. You’re supposed to be a team. Simple.

The bastard hasn’t noticed that you are struggling because he only cares about himself!

Do not take your mental health for granted. Once you cross the line you might find it hard to get back to yourself.

Why have you gone to work to support someone else? Who are they? Why can’t they work themselves? Hard to judge without the details. He might be pissed off that you’ve gone back to work and made all your daily lives harder?

Yabu

You are making you own and your husbands lives harder for no benefit to you as a couple and family.

I wouldn't want my husband to suddenly change our status quo if this had a negative impact on our family set up. Fair enough if you discussed returning to work because you wanted to and you and dh were benefiting from the extra money, but that isn't the case here.

Sounds like this wasnt a team decision either.

I think you need to stop helping the family member financially and use the money for your own family finances. That way maybe you could employ some outside help for some of the jobs that your are both struggling with currently

Goodness, the kindness of MN prevails as always. What a “charity starts at home” kind of bunch you all are.
OP, clearly this family member is in dire straits and needs help. This community have no idea of the circumstances surrounding this, but it sounds like you’re doing a very difficult, but likely, necessary service. There are worse things in life than putting others before yourself, and I’m sure you won’t regret it. I hope your husband starts to support you more, but if he doesn’t, I agree with PP that for the time being, maybe relax your standards around the house. Hopefully this will be temporary. All the best, and I hope things work out for you and family xx

I am physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell because of this and he doesn’t seem to care.

Does the person that you’ve returned to work to help out financially care that you are physically unwell and becoming mentally unwell? How much are they doing to help their financial situation?

Just to check are you financially contributing to your own household?