To expect DH to help out

Well, there’s your drip feed. You’ve done it before and they presumably never paid you back - and now they’re in another situation and you’re expected to bail them out.

If they’re incapable of looking after themselves and managing their money safely then that’s a whole separate issue.

When you helped them before, did they recreate the issues again?

Who paid for the attorney?

In that case i absolutely would help them in the way you are. You are doing the right thing here op (and as a white person 😆 i would also do the same as you are doing for my own parents!)

I think that if your husband is doing all the life admin, and you're doing none, then it completely depends on what you see as life admin and how much of it there is?

I do none of the cooking or cleaning in our house, but I do sort appointments for 4 people, organise fun trips to a T because we're a multi-disability family, liaise with school and make sure I'm always on hand, sort all the paperwork out that comes with being a multi-disability household, research topics for advocacy where needed, sort out when my elderly relative gets stuck in scam situations, spend my time for free looking for cheaper solutions and workarounds to things they want/need, DIY, garden maintenance, physio of our long term foster dog, organise the food shop and shopping lists which again need to be done meticulously multiple times a week due to disabilities, etc.

It's a lot of unseen and unpaid work, and I am exhausted by it.

Even if your house doesn't have additional needs to cater for and are a typical healthy family, there's still a lot of admin that goes on behind the scenes, and if your husband is doing that on top of working and you're not having to do any of that, then I can see why he would feel it's unfair for you to go to work, and then complain that you want to share your household jobs with him too, unless you were willing to take some things off his plate and share the load.

I'm usually the first person to call lazy husbands out, and sexist ideologies, but it sounds like you're quite heavily supported by your husband, and he's just set a boundary that if you want to do this, then it can't be at the expense of your responsibilities to your primary family.

If your parents are no longer financially savvy, it would be better for you to request a financial POA and take over their finances for them if you want to support them, but only give what you can reasonably afford of your time and energy.

That's sad for your parents and you obviously wouldn't want them destitute but this isn't sustainable, and it sounds like this isn't the first time they've got into a financial mess.

Do they not own a home? If they are elderly they have had their whole lives to pay off a mortgage and accrue a pension and a state pension which should be enough for them to maintain a modest lifestyle.

He is not stopping you from helping them but how much are you going to help them until it’s enough.

Are they seriously going everything they can to improve their situation?

I think your husband is fair enough to be honest. He’s the one supporting you & your household, he’s doing the drop offs & “life admin”, and he’s already helped your parents previously. I’m not sure why you think he owes you anything else to be honest.

Why have you needed to in the past?

Have you also reported it to the police? They may not be able to do much but surely uts a crime and a crime number should be given?
Surely if they've been fraudulently hit financially they can claim state help to mitigate their money worries or until things are resolved.

So you expect your DH to contribute more to the family but you are not contributing enough either.

The idea of being a SAHP is not having to work and that means doing more housework and parenting.

Those who choose to work, choose to therefore financially contribute more.

You are choosing to work more, meaning less parenting and housework but still not providing financially.

I am team DH here, which is rare on MN.

If your family member is struggling, then they need to get a second job, downsize etc not get someone else to fix their problems.

Your DH isn’t the problem here, it’s you being a martyr.

I can totally understand why you would want to help them. Do they live near you? Do you have siblings?

why is your DH so against helping them?

Unless the family member is your shared child, then your husband has a fair point that it’s up to you to take the consequences of working when it’s not beneficial to your own household.

Flip this situation on its head...what if the husband had suddenly decided that rather than financially supporting his family, his wages were now going to extended family and the op, who had previously been a sahm had to go out to work to financially support the family?

I'm sure people would think this unreasonable for him to make such a major decision affecting the family without discussing it, and I think, the op is too. Her actions are having a negative impact on her family life and they are not having any benefit

If she had wanted to work for her own benefit and contribute to the family finances then I would think him unreasonable in not supporting this, but thats not the case

All the years she’s been at home is she not receiving some sort of personal allowance? She needs to see the relationship for what it is. If she has been working she will have some money to give her relative. If the table were turned the husband will have something to offer his family. Financial independence is important! It’s time to negotiate the terms of staying at home going forward

Wouldn’t normally comment on this, but I’m Indian, from a traditional Indian family with traditional Indian values, and agree with most of the other posters. I wouldn’t take on a job to help out a family member, at the detriment of my family or my mental or physical health

Does your family member know how much of a toll this is taking on you? How long will you need to work to financially support them? It doesn't sound sustainable. Are you the only family member contributing?
I would help out more if I was your DH but at the same time I can understand why he doesn't want to. You are exhausting yourself and have altered the arrangement you both had of you being a stay at home parent, impacting not only yourself but your DH and DC. I think many spouses would be unhappy in your DHs situation. Did he give a reason to not support the family member financially?

So, are all your earning going to this family member? Is it a full time job?

Could the family member help you at home in return for all the help?

I can see his point, if he didn't want tonl support the family member (for what reason?) but you decided to do it anyway. It's having quite an impact on your family, for no gain.

Is it? I'm not familiar with the intricacies of Indian culture but I know white British culture and I think it's an absolutely correct assumption that we do not take on jobs in order to pay our entire salary to someone not in our nuclear family.

If my friend was financially struggling I might take them out for a meal or even offer to pay a bill for them if they were in a really tight spot, but I wouldn't be supporting another adult like that.

So previously you were a SAHM and your contribution to the family was the unpaid labour or taking care of the home and the children, but now you've taken a job in order to pay for someone who is not part of your family unit to get out of a bad financial situation and this is making it hard for your to continue contributing as you were- so what you are effectively asking is can you halve (or significantly reduce) your contribution to your family.

This is a difficult one. How old are the children? Presumably he's already having to work around them, or pay for childcare for them, as you're not there to look after them? I think we need to know what the financial situation is of your family member and why it's so dire.

My husband and I both work FT but if DH said to me he was taking on an extra part time job and I was going to have to pick up the slack for him whilst he did that, and the money he earned was going to someone else, I'd be very annoyed indeed. His priority should be his wife and children.

Is your husband white and you are Indian?