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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make DS stick it out until half term before deciding school vs homeschool?

31 replies

2coolNumber1 · 22/09/2025 12:02

This is long and rambly but I really don’t know what to do anymore.

DS is 13, Y8 now, he has ASD, ADHD, dyslexia, a processing disorder and he also has an EHCP. We homeschooled him from Y5 to Y7 because mainstream was just a constant battle. Teachers either didn’t get him or didn’t care, he was always in trouble for stuff that’s literally part of his diagnosis (fidgeting, not finishing work, needing things repeated). He was miserable, we were miserable, so I pulled him out and he did much better at home.

Then at the end of Y7 he suddenly said he wanted to go back to school. He did a few trial days before the summer holidays and he actually loved it. Came home smiling, talking about lessons, seemed proud of himself, even said he wanted to try it properly in September. DH and I were so relieved, we thought maybe he was ready and things might finally click.

But it’s only been a couple of weeks since term started and honestly it feels like déjà vu of everything that went wrong before. For example:

  • Teacher told him to “stop asking stupid questions” when he asked for instructions repeated. His EHCP literally says he needs things broken down and repeated.
  • He’s been stopped from joining in PE twice because he “takes too long to get changed”. They just left him sitting on the side watching everyone else.
  • Given a detention for “backchat” when he told a teacher he hadn’t understood the homework.
  • The laptop promised in his EHCP has “been delayed until January” so he’s already falling behind with written work.
  • Kids are calling him names (slow, spz, rtard), one shoved his bag in the bin, he told staff and was told to just ignore it.

Now DS is saying he wants to come back out and be homeschooled again. He’s upset most mornings, crying, saying “why do I have to go somewhere where people laugh at me.” And I don’t blame him. My gut says pull him out now, but DH keeps saying he needs to learn resilience and that we should at least make him stick it out til half term before making a decision. His argument is that otherwise every time DS hits a bump he’ll just walk away and never manage in the “real world.”

But the thing is, he does have an EHCP. The school is supposed to be following it and they just… aren’t. How long do we give them to get their act together while DS is miserable? I feel torn because I don’t want him to think he can quit everything the second it gets difficult, but equally I feel cruel forcing him into a situation where he’s unsupported and unhappy.

So, AIBU to say he has to stick it out until half term, or should I just pull him now and stop putting him through this?

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 22/09/2025 12:15

He won’t learn resilience from being bullied.

EHCP is more problematic. Some schools are much better than others at putting support in place.

does the EHCP say a 1:1 ta?

if he’s in mainstream without a ta then there’s certain things that the teachers can do without too much trouble and some stuff which is much harder.

if he is taking much much longer than the others to get changed then the teacher can’t leave him in the changing rooms alone and there will be a point where he has to move with the class.

if you want him to stay in school it’s probably a good idea to try to work on social stories and teach him some standard phrases to use to teachers if he does not understand as children with ASD can come across as rude.

ninjahamster · 22/09/2025 12:11

I’d be making a nuisance of myself every time they ignore what’s in his EHCP.

NuffSaidSam · 22/09/2025 12:09

I would talk to the school. Go in and have a face to face chat with them. Raise the points as you have done here one by one and get their feedback. Send him in with laptop if that's causing a problem, presumably he had one for home schooling?

I'd also look at alternative schools.

I think I would try and carry on until half term and then make a decision.

MintTwirl · 22/09/2025 12:06

What have the school said when you approached them about these issues? Are they helpful and wanting to resolve them and do you believe they actually will improve?

Personally I would pull him out, you already know home ed works.

greglet · 22/09/2025 12:05

Have you spoken to the school SENCO and head of pastoral? It sounds like they aren’t giving him the support that he needs, so it’s no wonder poor DS is struggling. Although I have sympathy with your husband’s position, I think it’s only relevant really if your son was receiving adequate support and still saying he wanted to quit.

TigerRag · 22/09/2025 12:04

Have you had a meeting with SENCO regarding his ECHP not being followed?