To despair at dd12 eating habits?

Tell her to make her own food. And buy some vitamins.

I couldn't have put this any better myself!

I have 2 diagnosed ND children. One overweight, one underweight both food issues.

With regards to "pickiness" with my underweight child they have a plate with partitions so food is seperate. I will make sure that his plate has safe foods on, and if I think he might like try something me and his sibling have, ill put a portion of it in one of the sections on the plate. This means he wont reject the whole thing, but will leave that section. I dont put pressure on him to try it but its there.

Me and eldest had sausage pasta, he likes pasta, and sausages but not everything mixed together. So on his separated plate he had pasta, cheese, sausage with the skin cut off, and a very small portion of the tomato sauce.

He also doesnt like the "demand" of eating a sit down meal. My eldest cant stand the sound of chewing and others eating, it gives her the rage. So my daughter eats her meal in her room. My son has his separated plate on the sofa and will graze. He prefers most food room temperature and doesnt really do hot meals.

A lot of children who have extreme pickiness and only eat the same kind of food do this because its predictable. Pasta is pasta, it doesnt change. Where as strawberries for example it could be soft, it could be a bit harder, it might taste sharp, sweet, watery.

With my eldest, who is overweight, I made swaps, she too loves instant noodles, look around for the smaller packets, and try to find the "healthiest" i mean they aren't going to be healthy but you can find one that is slightly better. I swapped ice cream to sorbet. Crisps for lentil chips.

Im aware that my eldest still doesnt have a great diet, but with all her issues, realistically that just something that isnt going to be possible right now. So I aim for better rather than perfect.

The fruit and veg she does eat, can you get the same brand each time? So its more predictable. And add something she does like to it. Veg with tomato ketchup for example. Fruit with a bit of 0% fat squirty cream and a few mini marshmallows.

Id do as PP poster said and look at ARFID, maybe Autism and PDA too. This isnt to diagnose or anything but some of the suggestions work for any kid and any family.

With regards to her becoming more sensory when you raise the subject. It might actually be that theres issues she cant articulate, or is aware of, but now youve mentioned sensory issues she's realised that some of the things that were bothering her are related to this and she's now trying to navigate what sensory issues are to her and how to manage them. Which takes trial and error for anyone at any age.

I think youre doing a great job, you obviously care a lot about this issue.

You dont need to be a perfect parent, you just do your best.

My autistic daughter would only eat a few different foods, up to being in her twenties then was able to introduce more.
As long as she is eating go with the same foods if you can, sensory issues are really difficult.

Don’t do this. This is awful advice for a child with sensory issues. She’s not being difficult she’s finding things difficult. You can’t force a child with sensory issues to eat things they don’t like

Let her eat her safe foods. But each day offer her something that you're eating or trying a new snack. Just offer it, don't force her or badger her.

Hopefully her repertoire will increase with time. I know people who only eat about six different foods. At least she does eat quite a few variations on the pasta. And she likes broccoli!

You put this a lot more nicely than I did

But this particular fussy eater has multiple other traits associated with neurodivergence, to the extent that she's got past NHS waiting list gatekeeping. Which means the chances of her being ND are higher than they would be in the general population. And that the barometer we use needs to be the likelihood of a person who has multiple ND associated traits and met the waiting list critieria having a random unrelated fussiness with food, as opposed to a fussiness with food that's related to her other traits.

Nothing you've written shows any understanding of that.

Yes get a professional involved. I think neurodivergent or not, if you continue to limit their foods and allow them to be picky, nothing is going to change. But I also agree that pressure around mealtimes isn't going to help. I don't think there's anything more you can do as a parent other than keep offering and try and stick to structured meal times as much as possible.

If it was me Id be offering foods they like alongside foods they don't like and would just persevere but my children are a lot younger than yours, I'm not sure how it would work with a 12 year old.

Whether it's autism, ADHD or just food anxiety, it doesn't matter. OP has speculated her daughter may be autistic, so people are commenting with support from a place of understanding ND food difficulties. It's not that hard to be empathetic. Maybe you could try it sometime?

I agree with the others saying don’t push her to eat anything she doesn’t want. The chicken curry, pasta, cheese and broccoli are all good food. She will probably very gradually try other things.

I understand OP.. I’ve been there. The only option is damage limitation.

My dd was like this at 12. When she was later put on adhd meds they transformed her life and she lost the weight.

But at 12 all you can do is model healthy eating. Trying to discuss it just makes it worse. I had to hold my nerve from 12 to 17 and not mention weight. I’m really glad now that l don’t.

Im not sure why everyone is acting as though this child is definitely ND.
She hasnt been diagnosed with anything. Her mum has just speculated.
Her mum has also admitted she knows shes quite a permissive parent? Sometimes its not neurodiversity. Not every behahioural thing is neurodiversity.

You have no idea do you? I think all desperate parents of ND have tried those suggestions🙄

She didn’t say sweets or chocolate. She said carbs. Probably bread and cereal. Which are staples in most houses, so she can’t stop buying them.

Eating is part of the sensory seeking/avoiding issues of ND. If only it was as easy as you suggest.

This, it sounds like you give in to her a lot. Id at least try being firmer, it sounds like shes just been used to getting her own way quite easily so is now used to it.
Lots of children will kick up a bit of a fuss over foods that arent their favourites, its how you handle it when they are younger that determines how persistent they get about it when they are older.
You say she 'looks for carby snacks' if shes not eaten her dinner, by looking for them do you mean she asks you for them and you eventually give in because you dont like her being hungry?
She shouldnt be allowed to just help herself to junk because she didnt fancy the healthier tea
Literally 95% of kids would turn down dinner if they thought a bit of pester power and whinging would get them easy palatable stuff like buttery toast, crisps etc instead

I have one DC who’s like this, also autistic and would probably be borderline for an ARFID diagnosis. Your DD is a bit older and it sounds as though food may be a way of communicating other things going on for her? I know when DS starts restricting what he’ll eat, it often means something else is causing anxiety and it’s not about the food, it’s about what he can control.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking the path of least resistance and giving her what you know she will eat. Pasta with cheese and broccoli is a perfectly nutritious meal and much better for her than sneaking down and loading up with crisps and biscuits when everyone is in bed. What does she do for breakfast and lunch?

There are some great suggestions upthread around ARFID. One thing that sometimes works for us when DS is tightening up what he’ll eat is to sit down together, calmly, not at a mealtime, and make a list of meals and/or foods he is willing to eat. We then usually do a meal plan for dinners for the week. Because he knows what is coming, he knows it’s meals he will eat and he has agreed, it tends to provoke fewer issues in the moment. If dinner is your flashpoint, might be worth a try?

If she’s struggling with fruit and veg, another thing that works for us is having stuff on the table for everyone to help themselves to. We did a lot of basic lunches over the summer like this - sliced, buttered baguette, cheese, ham, and a big platter of chopped up fruit and veg. I find both mine eat a much wider variety when it’s served up like this and they can just take a couple of bits of satsuma rather than having a whole one, for instance.

Good luck, it can be soul destroying.

If she is overweight, she's not eating a healthy diet. As her mom you should make sure the food offered to her is healthy. More healthy protein, less carbs. No snacking in between meals. Just stop buying snacks - they're not healthy for anyone. If she doesn't want to eat her meal then it won't harm her if she goes hungry from time to time as she weighs too much anyway. But you need to have some boundaries and stay firm with this. Explain to her what foods are unhealthy to eat and the effects of diabetes in the future. At 12 she should understand this already. In most of countries in the world kids eat what they are given at home by parents. If the child is healthy with no allergies, nobody will dance around the child, asking everyday what they would like to eat and allowing to snack before bedtime!

can you get her involved in the food prep - chopping and steaming some broccoli, boiling the pasta so she can see how it starts and how it tastes. Dish everything on serving plates in the middle of the table so everyone helps themselves to what and is in control of how much they take.

it’ll take months to undo the associations she’s made I’m sure but as others have said you need to give her the control back

This comment makes me feel better about my eating habits, to be honest 😭 thank you

Just wanted to second the suggestion of getting your DD involved in preparing/assembling food.

I have ADHD and eat most things now but had periods of being very fussy. I’ve eaten 3 meals on repeat for months, only had 10 safe foods and couldn’t eat any food that touched for a while.

My parents tried all the usual no alternative/hiding ingredients/etc but the more stressed/anxious I am, the more restrictive my eating becomes so it had the opposite effect. Giving me control over food through prep/assembly helps me to feel safe and comfortable eating which in turn meant I was more likely to try things.

The main thing is she’s fed, ignore others who’d sooner starve children as part of a power play.

Desire for carby snacks along with rest of behaviour could also be adhd.

I have one. She likes bread but not sandwiches🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

My DD is 12 and was diagnosed ASD back in May. While she was always a little fussy with food, it has really increased over the last year. I was never one for cooking separate meals but I’ve had to backdown.

Since taking a more relaxed approach, I’ve noticed her reducing sweet snacks and upping her fruit intake. I make sure she has a multi vitamin and few nutri shakes per week.

I’ve started watching cooking shows when she’s on the sofa with me (Jamie’s eat yourself healthy is a good one), just in the hope hearing about the benefits of different foods will start to go in.

Hope you don’t have to wait too much longer for her assessment.

The more stern and harsh was the route my mother went, i still to this day cant eat roast beef, the smell of it makes me vomit. I never ate peas till i met my now husband. I dont like certain foods mixing either.
OP let her go, let her eat the bland food, get her to take multi viamins, bit also get her to help cook if she interested. Though i detest cooking, if i didn't have to eat i wouldn't cook, i also cant bear to taste food as am cooking, am lucky married to a man that loves cooking and has slowly helped encourage me to try new foods. But am still fussy, and am in my mod 40's

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