To despair at dd12 eating habits?

So lots of good points on here but has anyone mentioned portion sizes? Could this be causing the weight gain. Pasta/cheese/broccoli isn’t terrible really but are you letting her having a kilo of pasta?! Just wonder if this is worth considering as you work through all the other advice.

Sorry if this isn’t case but wondering if you’re compensating for limited foods with volume

I think it’s very difficult to say what the right thing to do here OP given the question of neurodiversity vs is it simply fussy eating as the two would be treated differently. Does she eat other bland carb foods like chips, crisps, chicken nuggets, fish fingers etc? If she does I would try and go down the line of this is the dinner we are having you are free to eat it or not and say no more about it, no battles, no comment on how much or how little is eaten etc. but always make sure there is something on the plate that she will eat. For example if your having lasagna and your pretty sure she won’t eat it, make sure there’s some crusty bread and butter on the side. If it’s a pasta dish she wouldn’t normally eat, don’t mix the sauce through the pasta, put it on top and she can eat the pasta round the sides if she wishes. If she likes chips serve them instead of roast potatoes with your roast. I certainly wouldn’t make her go to bed hungry but equally I think she does need to at least be exposed to other foods. You could get her plates that have dividers and separate the food, it might take some anxiety away.

If she can’t tolerate eating with others I wouldn’t force this, let her eat on her own if she wishes but no screens while eating. Pick one battle at a time. Give multi vitamins and get her involved in cooking if she’s open to it. If she drinks milk get one fortified with vitamins. If she eats yoghurts and cheese encourage that as a snack for the protein.

I have a very picky autistic 12 year old. I just give her what I know she will eat. There is no point making a battle over it. I have foods a available for her to try if she is willing. I have another autistic child who is not quite as picky but definitely has some restrictions. I try to plan meals where simple adjustments can be made.

Eg tonight DH, DC1 and I are having salmon. DC2 will have an omelette. DC1 will only eat flavoured rice from a packet. DC2 will only eat plain rice. I will cook both and they will have their preferred rice while DH and I have a mix of the two. Everyone will eat the same vegetable luckily.

There is no winning by either trying to make picky DC eat what everyone else is eating.

Hi! I have a child who isnt ND but is a dreadful eater. When he was little he went 2 days without eating as I followed the old mumsnet advice that 'they will eat when they are hungry', guess what, he didnt!
Best thing I found was to just go with it. He is 14 now and has a wider food range but its still terrible! He will eat a roast dinner (but only brocolli and carrots as veg), steak or steak pie, plain pasta, sometime meatballs and pasta but not too saucy, carbonara but not too saucy, chicken sandwich and cereal (hes happy with any cereal so i go with non sugary).
The roast dinner came from doing a carvery style meal one day and he ate way more that i ever thought he would

Lots of good advice here, so the only additions I have:

She may be struggling with portion sizing and understanding her own sensation of being full. If she is autistic, you may find her surprisingly amenable to having some 'official portion sizes' set, or rules put in place such as having pasta only once per day, having a glass of water before eating, etc.

Vitamin tablets are good if she'll tolerate them, but there are other options out there if she won't. My youngest DD is a complete fruit refuser - in any form at all - so she gets a daily vitamin milkshake. (One formulated for her age, not an adult meal replacement style one.)

If you're going to get stricter, then I'd be clamping down on the mealtime behaviour. She doesn't have to like the sight/smell/sound of other people eating, but she's going to need to find a better way to tolerate it, or she's going to have major problems functioning in society.

There are ways to gently help her learn better coping mechanisms. Let her eat alone at the table first if needed, but then she has to stay for the rest of the family eating their meal and behave nicely throughout - no sighing, no making negative comments about what other people are enjoying, no hands over ears, leaving the table prematurely, etc. Tell her clearly that doing those things is very rude behaviour.

If you feel she's genuinely struggling and there's space to do so, then you could initially sit her further back from the table but still within conversational range. Maybe play music she likes in the background, and/or let her hold/fidget with something strongly smelled that she likes - mint leaves, cinnamon stick, etc, to ease her senses.

To be fair, pasta, cheese and broccoli is a balanced meal. With the occasional carbonara and curry mixed in, I wouldn't be bothering her. It's plain and repeptitive sure, but as long as she's happy and nourished, what's the harm? It also wouldn't make her overweight if she had that for dinner every night, so that must be either snacks or, if she's only slightly overweight, just something she'll grow out of.

My parents made a war ground out of food and I have a life long eating disorder (not saying that's because of their reactions but it certainly didn't cure me of the fussiness). I only ate 6 foods until I was 10 (fish fingers, chips, carrots, apples, ready salted crisps and vanilla ice cream). Luckily it contained all the necessary food groups so, although I was small, it wasn't ridiculous. Even now I eat exactly the same meal for lunch and dinner every day and only vary it if I have to (ie somewhere different, with other people). I'm not neurodiverse, just have food issues

You are not being unreasonable.

I dealt with the same issues with my son. Imagine being constantly forced to eat food that is disgusting to you. Imagine how awful that would be. So, let her eat what she likes, within healthy limits. Don't keep lots of cakes, cookies, crisps etc... in the house. If she wants sweet carbs she has to make it herself. Instead, keep a stock of healthy snacks. Don't force her to eat them, simply make them available. Nuts are good, if she's not allergic.

I used to hide a lot of vegetables in the low-sugar loafs and cakes I made for my kids. My son was six or seven before he realized not all pancakes are green. I always put frozen spinach into the batter.

Anyway, now that he's a grown man, he's quite the accomplished cook, and will eat almost anything except soup, pizza, and tomatoes.

I was horribly, horribly fussy as a kid, but luckily in a very healthy way. I just didn’t eat anything that wasn’t boiled or grilled and no sauces (maybe ketchup once in a blue moon). I’d be happy to be allowed to have McDonald’s type of food every day though if my mother had ever allowed. No soup because even thinking of the texture made me sick.
I grew out of it in my mid teens after a whole month of chicken nuggets + a bag of steamed vegetables when I moved out to study and could do whatever I wanted. Suddenly I wanted food food.

I’d limit her options initially and see what happens. If she goes to bed a bit hungry but then eats the following day instead of snacking away (don’t keep snacks around), fair. If it’s a legitimate struggle beyond being a bit picky and getting away with it due to permissiveness, I’d scale back on that approach.

Who makes the meals she wants and cleans up after? If she wants something completely different from others at 12 I’d probably ask her that she also cleans up after herself then.

I'm another patent with autistic children. One child was a very selective eater with allergies. I would ensure there was something on their plate they liked and there would be something he'd previously refused or something new - they were told they didn't have to touch, they could ignore it or try it... up to them. Over time they seemed to realise somethings weren't that awful which seemed to encourage trying more. Their diet is pretty varied now.

Also in recent years they've been preparing their own packed lunches and making themselves noodles. This has led to rummaging in the fridge and trying new combinations. Maybe your DD preparing her own food would help?

She's not doing this to piss you off. I think the less drama you make of this, the less drama and dread there is about food.

I haven't given any advice, merely pointed out why yours is wrong. So you may very well think that, but it would only be further evidence of poor understanding. It's interesting that you haven't actually addressed the point that your comparison was incorrect.

But yes, hopefully OP can manage to ignore any dangerously poor advice that comes up, particularly in a thread where most people have correctly identified that she needs to approach this issue as one that relates to a potentially ND child.

Hi
My total sympathy. DS had extreme food rigidity and was diagnosed autistic at 12/13.

Long post of advice below but main advice is: do not take advice from people whose children don't have food issues. Not only are they clueless and smug and relatively unsympathetic - they think you are pandering and if you stop, all will be well (it won't), more importantly, advice for normal eaters going through fussy phases if very different from advice for ARFID

Things that helped with DS:
Explain the key food groups and what they do for her
e.g.carbs for active burn off energy, so her noodles and pasta are good if she is going for a walk or run or swim or cycle ride next day. ( Emphasise how good her existing choices are)
Protein to build strong, lean muscle and brain power and iron to combat fatigue. Sounds like she may need more protein so let her know how useful it is for her body to eat chicken curry or spaghetti bol. Maybe try some protein rich pasta too.
Dairy for strong bones and teeth
Fruit for essential vitamins for healthy hair, skin, nails, good mood and vitality.

Relax as much as possible about variety. If she's eating from all key groups every day then she'll be healthy enough. Tell her this.
Build family meals around hers. Pasta twice a week spaghetti bol or carbonara, plus one broccoli (with fried garlic, sun dried toms and toasted pine nuts added to adult plates it's a really delicious dinner) so you are all eating the same. A mild chicken curry once a week too.

In the spag bol, add tiny amounts of additional veg pureed into the tomato sauce. Start with carrots, red pepper then add courgette and or one cube of frozen spinach. If there's no complaint, gradually increase quantities and finely minced veg.

Same with chicken curry. Add tiny amounts of red pepper, red or white onion, maybe red lentils, butternut squash, frozen spinach to the creamy sauce and increase fractionally over the year, use the same recipe 3 or 4 times to ensure she's used to it before increasing.

At dinner, put out all three food groups in serve yourself dishes (eg petit pois to scatteer on carbonara or shredded iceberg.) Often with sensory issues they might be finecwith eg petit pois but not more grainy textured peas, or be ok with crunchy iceberg but not semi- crunchy cos or romaine.

Go out to dinner if you can afford it. DS was more inclined to try a burger and curly fries at 5 Guys or noodle dish at a Chinese place or chicken korma at a curry house than at home. Never judge 'boring' choice eg Marguerita pizza. Act as if all choices are equal. If she likes a given dish, after she's had it a few times buy the ready meal version and finally cook your own recipe of it.

I was so worried about DS but I got calm and kept trying. Gor neurological children you need to introduce a new food about 20 times before they'll eat it. With autism it can be 200 or 2000. No exaggeration. Just explain what the food does for her and leave her to decide.

As too other people eating noisily, can you play music while eating, or let her have white noise on headphones?

DS is adult now and really adventurous in his eating habits. It was a very long process and looking back, one of the things I'm most proud of, helping him to overcome ARFID without pressure or stress on him.

@ttcbubbanumber2 I somewhat agree here, because the DC is 12. The eat it or leave it strategy, (and no pudding if the main isn't eaten but here's some fruit) will help with small children but not a DC on the cusp of adolescence. I'd feed her pasta and broccoli every day, except curry or bolognese day, and leave out fruit. No snacks in the house etc. OP's DC might be happy with that or decide pasta and broccoli a boring, but she will eat something. Get a referal asap as it looks like either being on the spectrum or some underlying problem with certain foods.

My autistic son was and still is a picky eater. You're lucky she'll eat broccoli - I never got a vegetable past his lips! He's 34 now and still only eats things like chicken nuggets with oven chips. He will eat a roast dinner occasionally but without the vegetables. When I tried to get him to eat anything he didn't want to he would retch so I just gave up. He's actually really healthy apart from being a bit overweight. Just don't stress yourself, let her eat what she wants because it will make both of you happier.

Maybe I think your advice is terrible. This is just for advice - op can read it and decide what they want to do. The best place for advise is a medical professional if you feel it’s warranted.
Otherwise I’m sure op is an adult who can manage to ignore posts she doesn’t agree with or research further herself

I think have family style / self serve Style with a bowl of plain pasta or other safe food always an option. Try to deconstruct what you're cooking as much as possible so for example she might choose to have a little bit of chicken if you do it seperate from the veggie curry, or that kind of thing. It's such a faff isn't it!

If she has ARFID or real restricted eating then random unrelated advice won't be useful.

I would seek support for it as a neurodivergent sensory issue / ARFID.

What I did with my autistic child is very gradually increased the food available - the thing to avoid is ending up only ever offering what they already eat.

So - give them what they want/ is familiar - but slowly and without pressure increase what they are being exposed to.

Resaerch has shown that children have to be offered a new food THIRTY times to feel safe with it - and tha'ts not even with ARFID added in.

A book I found helpful was Getting the little blighters to eat -w hich is by an expert in food refusal.

I have increased my daughters range of food - but the absolute VITAL thing is NEVER EVER force or make them eat anything

Remove ALL pressure - but keep presenting new things

I have two kids with very different eating issues. My 11 year old autistic child eats almost anything but when they get stressed stops eating entirely. My younger child 8 is on the ND waiting list and likely also autistic. But they are exceptionally restricted in what they will eat. If a safe food changes slightly (e.g. crisp packet redesigned) they won't even try. Beige food plus brocolli would probably sum it up!

Both children treated exactly the same with early exposure to loads of foods and almost all home cooking. Just different sensory reactions to food.

Again though, you're making the wrong comparison. It's not how likely is it that this particular trait would be a sensory issue in the general population. It's how likely is it that this particular trait is a sensory issue in someone who has multiple other traits associated with ND and has met the criteria to enter an NHS autism assessment waiting list.

This is why your advice was terrible.

I was very picky but not at all ND or similar. I stopped eating any food I didn't like and just ate bread, cheese, eggs.
When I left home at 18 I gradually started eating new foods. Why? Because nobody commented on it when I did, for some reason I believe this was my main problem at home, i.e.the fuss (albeit a happy fuss) when I did.
I never started eating meat again and hate the taste and believe this is fine. I still hate the boiled veg I had as a child (limited 1970s diet!), but I like plenty of other veg so again fine.
I'd have been better if my parents had introduced pizza and pasta (variation on bread and cheese) but it wasn't usual in my 1970s small town.

Sometimes it was the way it was cooked e.g. I hated chips probably because they'd been cooked in a home deep frying pan with lard, so I never tried them again till I left home and tried friends chips, they tasted much better.

Not sure this helps anyone, but it shows it's all complicated, everyone is different and definitely any attitude of trying to force foods on kids won't work.

I also agree with this advice. ARFID is a possibility, as is some kind of ND.

I would give her what she wants to eat and not make any issue of it. Without any pressure, she may become more open to other dishes in time.

Maybe ensure she takes a multi-vitamin since she doesn't have huge variety in her diet? You could also let her GP know, in case they want to check her for low Vitamin D and whatever else they do in such cases.

Good luck!

Second this. I have a DD with fussy eating (ASD/ADHD and I suspect ARFID). Humouring her has been counter productive. In hindsight I wish I’d been less accommodating. Started uni yesterday and have no idea how the hell she is going to subsist on energy drinks, crisps and supermarket ham n cheese sandwiches (her current food fad).

Would really advise getting tough now as it does her no favours when she reaches adulthood/is working/at college/leaves home.

She'll eat broccoli. It's better than a chicken nugget!

It sounds like some of it is a texture issue. Most of those things are fairly soft.

Will she eat any kind of pasta sauce? You could blitz a bit of hidden veg into it but keep it bland.

Or would she entertain soup instead of noodles? We have a soup maker. It's ready in 20 minutes but most importantly is super smooth in a texture I can't replicate with a stick blender.

I think cutting out too many noodles is probably the starting point. But initially just replace them with things she likes or that share a lot of similarities with those (e.g no bits).

Her tastes will change. I was very limited at the same age but I did grow out of it. Take some pressure off but try to make small improvements/ adjustments.

My son is autistic and as a child ate a very restricted beige bland diet. The only vegetables he would eat were carrots and the only fruits he would eat were bananas.

He frequently had spaghetti, cheese, carrots and baked beans or jacket potato, cheese, carrots and baked beans when the rest of us were eating other things, sometimes two or three times a week. I refused to get worked up about it. He was growing and appeared healthy enough.

As he got older he started asking to try new things. He's grown up now and eats a normal balanced diet.

Just go with the flow OP and give her her safe foods (although I would cut out the instant noodles). Meal times need to be calm, not stressful and full of angst.

Consider how things are presented. For example, I physically gag at the thought of eating a circle of cooked slimy dcourgette. But courgetti is fine. Likewise carrot batons, great. Carrot circles grim.

I understand a few of the concerns raised because I'm similar.

Unfortunately, in terms of what food she'll eat that could be that way forever. In my case, I've opened up more as I've got older but would absolutely still be considered (and consider myself) a fussy eater. If she has sensory issues, it might be a texture problem when it comes to food. And that can present itself in ways you wouldn't expect - what textures are ok and what are not ok are entirely dependant on how she feels, not what you might expect.

Me and DH both have a huge problem with food/eating noises (and other sounds in general for me. We counter it by always having some background noise, whether it's music or TV. I genuinely can no sit at a table with other people eating if there is no background noise. Even the sound of someone scooping ice cream from a bowl is too much for little head to take.