To despair at dd12 eating habits?

Would she have soup? One trait will ARFIDS is a fear of choking so maybe soup would suit. Hopefully you will get an assessment soon and some help.

Sounds like you are a great parent. Can see you’ve got some great advice. Just wanted to add a specific suggestion that M&S do lentil noodles, you could try out your daughter on them, maybe present a bit of them alongside a safe meal. If she likes them, she could have a way of getting some different nutrients.

If she eats plain pasta with broccoli and cheese, noodles, bolognese, carbonara, chicken curry and sometimes fruit then that’s not such a bad start!
The foods you’ve described are mainly dinner foods (I’m guessing this is the meal
you have the most issues with?) but what does she have for breakfast and lunch? Add those to your list and you might find yourself feeling a bit more heartened about what she will eat. Those dinner foods you’ve listed already cover a few evening meals in theweek for now.
I would aim to give her as much control as possible. How about challenging her to try one new food every week that she gets to choose? Ask her to go away and think about it. A good starting point might be a variation on something she already eats or something similar. If she’ll eat broccoli for example (a very tricky food for most picky eaters), perhaps she’d try cauliflower? If she’ll eat chicken perhaps she’ll have turkey in her curry instead? She might try wholemeal bread if she’ll eat white. You can gently suggest but it has to be her decision. Take her shopping and talk to her about different foods on offer and see what appeals. Let her help
with cooking. Are you able to grow any food like herbs or veg? Or tricky foods in a different form. My daughter will eat a lot more veg in a raw state that she will cooked. It means she has raw carrots with her roast dinner rather than cooked but I’ll take it!
You might be surprised, if you think she has sensory issues, by what textures she’ll like. My daughter likes crunchy foods, some spices and some things slightly burned (last night I persuaded her to eat a pepperoni pasta bake for the first time. She likes pepperoni especially when it’s slightly burned and crispy!
Obviously if you think she’s ND you are right to pursue further testing for her but these are some things you could try in the meantime, from one mum of a fussy eater to another!

This is complete nonsense though, being over weight is much more complex than an unhealthy diet. Some children get a bit chubby as they hit puberty and literally grow out of it. Some are destined to be in larger bodies and will gain weight more easily. Some need to move more. Some eat healthily but too much, some east nothing but rubbish but have youth on their side and don't gain weight.

At university I was at my slimmest and I was at my most unhealthy, eating nearly all processed foods, smoking, drinking several nights a week, doing little exercise. But I had a body to die for lol. Age and hypothyroidism caught up with me. And I am much heavier now despite actually being much healthier.

I have 2 autistic and fussy children. My son is overweight and has been well built and a big eater from he was born. My daughter is a slim, and has been slightly built and fussy from the word go as well.

My mum once made me sit and stare at a plate of sausages until I vomited. I was probably there a few hours. I was then sent to my room for being naughty.

Turns out I have AuDHD and texture in foods is something I (even as an adult) intensely struggle with.

My son has been a phenomenally picky eater. I’ve never encountered anyone as picky as he is. I worked on getting a few healthy things into his diet and then sticking with them every night while gently introducing other things. Most of the time he says no. Sometimes he’ll have a meltdown and refuse all food if that thing he doesn’t like is there. But every now and then he introduces another food into his diet and I take it as a win.

It’s unfortunately a marathon not a sprint.

My mum’s method unfortunately gave me deeply ingrained issues with food including an ED later in life. Being stern with absolutely not work.

My dd was a picky eater age 6 to 12 and then happily grew out of it. No ND diagnosed (dh too sceptical to let me follow up and just thinks she is difficult on purpose and spoiled/badly parented by me so that has been the approach I’ve had to go along with for a quiet life.)

Anyway I found the following helped:

• she can have extra time on devices from a film or music at the dinner table. The noise covers sound of other people eating and distracts her from thinking about what she is eating. If she thinks a lot, she obsesses about the food. Who cares if she is watching tv if she is eating well? Not me!
• she can have whatever snacks she like if she has mostly eaten the meal I gave her. Otherwise she can ONLY have milk, juice, vegetables, fruit or crackers and grated cheese.
• i always serve what she likes but I always stretch her to try something new a few times a week.
• I never complain if she doesn’t finish her plate (she always leaves something which seems to be psychological!)

I never made a drama with her about it outside of a few times I genuinely started to worry she was going to be unwell (very skinny). We have managed the whole thing very carefully - I NEVER weighed her once she was about 10 and I never made it about her absolute weight, only about health, skeleton, growth, energy. We sometimes had to bargain how much food she would eat before I’d take her to activities, and I’d monitor her calorie intake quietly.

She is now 15 and mostly recovered from her fussy eating habits (has picked up new bad habits instead!). She will not eat absolutely everything but enough variety that she hits all the food groups and can hit the “30 veg/fruit/seeds” target a week.

It is very very stressful and you have my complete sympathy.

Can you list absolutely everything that your DD does eat for us, (I am guessing that she doesn't have noodles for breakfast) it is likely that there is a better balance of nutrients than first appears.
Would noise cancelling headphones help for the sounds when eating? If you want her to stay at the table.
Also with regards to meal time behaviour or restriction getting worse recently don't discount the role of puberty and hormones.

My child ate everything when younger and now finds that far more difficult. The difference was puberty and the pressures of life as secondary school started. They no longer had the same window of tolerance and life became very restricted. Issues change radically
at this age.

Based on what you said, yes, her diet probably is not great and contributing significantly to her weight. BUT.... children with sensory processing issues are OFTEN overweight. For a bunch of reasons - from inability to understand their own hunger signals, food selection, poor gross motor skills (in particular weak core strength) etc etc.

So really, focus on the health improvements, worry about weight later.

Does she exercise and move enough? Its not necessarily about doing sport, but just moving - walking to and from schooll or to friends' houses, being out and about, swimming tc.

Take the pressure off. Let her eat and sort out her own food and take no notice as to whether she eats it or not. She will eventually recognise that she is and can be responsible for her actions. This should eventually permeate to other areas of her life. This won't happen overnight. Have patience.

My dgs is picky about food too. He'll only eat cheese based food. Cheese sandwiches, wraps, pizza, Mac'n'cheese. He's also sensitive to noise and has to wear headphones in class. Diagnosed with ADHD and autism but very high functioning. I can't see much point in trying to force him to eat stuff that he doesn't want.

Autistic and my eating issues really increased when I entered puberty. Not suprising- the hormones making you want sweet carbs and the lack of control over your body making everything a battle ground.

I lived on Findus crispy cheese pancakes and peas for about a year 😋

Take the pressure off. Let her eat and sort out her own food and take no notice as to whether she eats it or not. She will eventually recognise that she is and can be responsible for her actions. This should eventually permeate to other areas of her life. This won't happen overnight. Have patience.

OP I have 2 autistic children, both are fussy and one is a 12 year old girl. My daughter is very fussy and has anxiety around eating. What brought it to a head here really was that she started hiding food that she didn't eat because she was too afraid to tell us she didn't like it. She would come home with a full lunchbox. Having not eaten a bite all day sometimes.

In my experience it works best when you let them at it. She eats what she likes, (within reason, she is not eating mars bars for dinner lol) and she eats it where she likes. There is no pressure to sit at the family table and no pressure to eat anything she doesn't want to. For so long I felt like a failure for not having the type of family that sits down to a meal all together in the evenings. I have had to let go of that, it doesn't work for our family and we share plenty of family time outside of meals. Our family is different, not less.

We now take a very laid back approach, if I am eating something I will casually ask if she wants to try a bit. And if she says no I don't ask again. This approach has actually led to her trying more food as she knows there is no pressure.

She is a healthy young girl with plenty of energy and gets regular periods. She is getting what she needs. Please do not worry, your daughter is getting what she needs from her diet, and hopefully as she gets older she will.be more open to trying new things.

Would she try lentil pasta so theres more protein? I agree with the previous posters about taking the pressure off and having new and safe foods at each meal time. I would also be firm with snacks though. I would also aim for UPF free foods where possible and gave a fruit bowl available with a variety she can pick from. Also things like cucumber and carrot sticks as snacks if she likes them. Also add in a good multi vitamin and omega 3 supplements

Would she try lentil pasta so theres more protein? I agree with the previous posters about taking the pressure off and having new and safe foods at each meal time. I would also be firm with snacks though. I would also aim for UPF free foods where possible and gave a fruit bowl available with a variety she can pick from. Also things like cucumber and carrot sticks as snacks if she likes them. Add in a multivitamin and omega 3 supplement.

And me. I’m 56 and think I probably have this ARFID. I do have problems with texture rather than flavour, and I suppose my diet is fairly limited, but I make sure to read up on what vitamins & minerals I will be missing and take appropriate supplements.

My mother even went as far as trying to force food into my mouth as a kid. I don’t recommend that, OP! And I wouldn’t recommend badgering your child into eating. Id suggest continuing the gentle approach with safe foods and as time goes on, hopefully some more things will be added to that list. I’ve added a few things over the years. Only a few, but it’s better than none.

My now adult dc has arfid (no diagnosis) she simply won’t eat if it’s not an acceptable food and was terribly underweight age 14/15/16.
Can you agree with her a list of acceptable meals. Don’t worry about repetition.
I’d serve those, each component separately and not buy the carby snacks. Watch drinks too, mine used to fill up on drinks to avoid food.
What helped my dc was getting into gym and heath so she became more protein focused.
I do still worry, her food intake is extremely repetitive but healthy. It’s definitely a texture thing eg no sauce, no gravy, no cooked veg.

Speaking from my own experience (ADHD, "fussy eater" growing up, but in retrospect may have been ARFID, also overweight as a child), I wouldn't bully her to eat or try new things but I'd cut down on the treat food and stodgy carbs around the house.

Don't cook a separate meal for her but don't make a big thing of it. If she doesn't want what you're cooking, she cooks for herself or makes herself a sandwich. I'm not saying that there isn't an issue, but for me part of it was laziness. My parents' cooking became a lot more attractive to me when I was responsible for feeding myself, because that was suddenly the "more hassle" option. So have plain pasta, cheese and veggies available for her if she wants an alternative.

For me, I have to limit sugary and ultra palatable food in the house and ensure I have relatively healthy alternatives like oatcakes, cheese and apples ready to grab. When I have a dopamine low/chemical imbalance, I'm going to grab whatever's lying around to give me a quick "hit" even if objectively I know it's not good for me and I know I'm not capable of exhibiting much self-control at that point. Getting out of the house and getting a "hit" through sunshine and exercise is obviously much better for me but not always possible. If it could be ADHD, I'd see if you can get your DD into the habit of walking up and downstairs or tidying a cupboard or shelf in her room before she reaches for a snack. These are quick things that I've found can provide the hit needed if actually it's not hunger which is driving the snacking.

As much as this is well intentioned it’s very likely to add more anxiety to a sensory issue, sounds like ARFID to me which is a spectrum disorder

I agree with the posters who have said her diet is a decent balance in terms of selective eating. She eats a veg, dairy, protein. It might be samey, but there's something from all the food groups. Does she go to the supermarket with you? As my ARFID child grew into the teens, I found they were more likely to eat new and more varied things if they had had a choice in selecting them.

In every thread like this there are people who will say don't pander to them, we allow our children to be too fussy these days. I think it depends on the child as to whether pushing them is going to work or not, you know your child best. For example, amongst my four children:

Child 1: ASD and ARFID - extremely selective diet. Will not eat outside of safe foods, no matter what. Causes more damage with lack of trust and anxiety if we push.

Child 2 and 3: Fussy, but will eat when not given an option of something different. Have an interest in trying new things. Aren't anxious about taste. These are the two that I will push if they complain about a dinner, because I know they will eat it once they realise that is the only option.

Child 4: ASD with a PDA profile. Likes to eat the same safe foods but can be persuaded to try new / different things under their terms ie we have to negotiate how much they will eat, who will sit next to them, etc.

My daughter is also a very picky eater. We sought help and the advice was to let her be in control. So big step required on my behalf. She now buys lunch at school after taking pasta and tomato sauce for a year. My daughter is slim so I was anxious around calories. I have had to learn to trust her and just embrace it. She is slowly getting better and will try more things. It had to be on her terms.., good luck.

My DS14 has been diagnosed with ARFID. The older he has got the more he can explain to me what it feels like to try and neat something new. Its a genuine fear of the taste, smell, texture etc.

Those saying involve an expert, unless your child is at risk of starvation the NHS/CAMHS wont be interested in assisting. My area has no NHS ARFID programmes. the next borough does and its getting really good results. I'm saving up to go for treatment privately. But at 250 per sessions its not something that everyone can do.

These kids cant be told eat it or starve, they will starve! DS has passed out numerous times through hunger. The naivety of some posters shows, i hope you never have first hand experience of it.

Hi OP,

I have a very picky eater who is 8.

He's been under a Dietician for many years and she thinks his feeding behaviours are related to the many food allergies he had from when he was born (although he's thankfully grown out of them now).

I used to get so stressed out when he was younger with regards to his eating and meal times would always drive me to despair (and tears) because of how frustrated and worried I was.

The dietician was amazing though and she said that the best way to deal with this was to not put any pressure on him and to just let him eat what he will eat. She told me that she didn't care if he had toast for tea every day of the week as long as he was healthy and growing.

We had to write a list of his safe foods (what he was happy to eat) and sit down with him and make a weekly planner of what he'd have for each meal - even if it was different to the family meal - so he knew that he had nothing to fear about what might be placed in front of him.

She said it was important that meals times were safe and enjoyable for him, and that meant him knowing he wasn't going to be forced (or nagged at) to try and eat something he didn't want. She said that when it comes to dealing with eating disorders it is so much more complicated than just being a 'picky eater' and that going at the child's pace is absolutely imperative.

One of my son's safe foods is a margherita pizza and she said that if we wanted to try and introduce a new food we had to do it via putting it on a pizza, which sounds quite funny I know, but it worked. We slowly introduced chicken on pizza, bacon on pizza, meatballs on pizza, sausage on a pizza etc and we'd give him huge amounts of praise for even just taking one bite, even if he didn't want to eat the rest of it. When he reached a point of feeling it was safe to eat a piece of bacon on pizza, we then slowly transitioned to him being able to eat bacon on it's own, and then being able to eat it in a pasta dish for example.... it literally was step by step and keeping it all at his pace and keeping it non-threatening.

The dietician said that for children with issues around their eating she would aim for them to try one new food every 8 weeks, so that advice is what we have followed.

We've had tremendous success and taking off the pressure and giving much more control back to our son has undoubtedly what's led to him being more willing to try more varied foods.

The dietician has explained that this is something that our son will most likely have for all of his life and not something that he will just "grow out of" so it's just a case of managing it as best as we can now without making food or mealtimes something for him to be afraid of or threatened by, as that's what can cause more serious eating disorders to emerge.

He does take multivitamins and iron supplements and has blood tests yearly just to keep an eye on his iron levels and vitamin levels etc but otherwise he's fine and growing nicely.