To despair at dd12 eating habits?

Even if it did work, it's an incredibly poor way to parent.

Do not try to make her eat anything she doesn’t like. You cannot make someone eat , it’s a battle you’re sure to lose. My daughter- in-laws mother tried to make her eat what she didn’t like and she ended up anorexic. She still has big issues with food. Feed her what she likes to eat and supplement with vitamins and minerals.

It definitely does work, barring severe aversions (autism) and allergies.

I have not stocked any snacks at all. We go out for any sugary or fattening food - or I would have another daily battle on my hands. Did my other dc miss it? No, it’s not healthy for anyone to eat junk food. Don’t single her out whatever you do, the whole family should be healthy with her.

Compartmentalise it. If you can work on the meals chances are that the other stuff (snacks etc) may improve because she’s eating better at mealtimes.

Personally I’d try to have only healthy snacks in the house and try to incorporate a bit more exercise into family life but other than that focus on meals.

I have had 17 years of this, and it’s utterly exhausting.

The GP will not be remotely interested. Nor will they refer you anywhere. They are not worried about this - but I always used to be.

I found she enjoyed cooking and became much happier to try new food when she was able to choose and cook it herself (she has become an excellent cook in the process)

Multivitamins and Vit D is essential. Buy the tiny pasta stars so she has some pasta but put other things with the meal. If she likes fresh tomato soup you can mix in the pasta. Separate bowls for everything.

Expand slowly with her permission. Let her lead. It’s her body and her choice. Fruit ice lollies etc work well,

These are well meaning comments but I think they miss a reality that many of the children who were ND, or who had food issues, or other health problems were simply invisible to us. I could say that in my day, no one was fussy and we all ate what we were given.....

..... except, now I think back with an adult's eyes, I find myself wondering about Trevor who was in my class throughout high school and yet who I don't think I ever spoke to and who I do know was bullied and who was super skinny. What was REALLY going on with him?

.... Or I think about my DS' friend who used to eat at our house 3 nights a week because his mother was in dispair that he wouldn't eat at their house, no matter how strict she was, and yet at ours he'd at least put away a small amount of food, if only out of politeness.

... or the half a dozen girls I met over the years who never seemed to join us on meals out or whatever and had excuses I thought nothing of at the time but now I wonder....

The list goes on.

It doesn't work like that. Do some research. For some anecdotal evidence, my dad tried this with me. I literally starved myself for days. He ended up having to make me something completely new that he knew I'd eat because I literally couldn't eat what he originally made. Not wouldn't, COULDN'T.

@Dunnesbest I think you are doing a great job. Your DD sounds ASD. My son is similar and had weight issues at that age but as he became older made his own conscious decision to lose weight. Food as a parent is so emotive, you have so much wrapped up around Nutrition for your child. Watch ‘My Arfid Life’ a girl of 10/12 documenting her journey and how she tries new foods etc. Think it’s FB/youtube. But I agree with others no pressure on her and if you do want her to try other foods get her to have a plan on how she can do it safely. The girl mentioned before discusses this. If she’s growing well please don’t worry too much.

I don’t know the answer but I do think it’s also a certain amount of common or garden fussiness. Even when I was a child, in the 1970s, I can’t remember anyone being able to pick their meals, and nobody starved. That said, I still detest liver and onions!

My DS similar age is like this and he will literally gag and retch if he tries to eat something he doesn’t like. So I’m not sure how ‘firm
boundaries’ can be established in such cases. I try to think how I would feel if I was served up something I find repulsive and expected to eat or go hungry.
I totally get the frustration though! It sounds as though some of her safe meals are pretty good and I’d encourage the fruit-eating as much as possible. Will she take a multivitamin? My DS takes well teen max multivitamins every day that have the daily recommended vitamins/minerals.

Leave her hungry, you'll find her palette widens very quickly

I had 2 typically faddy boys. I could easily split a roast meal, or almost any meal between them. Eldest ate meat, potatoes, baked beans, gravy, some puddings and no fruit. Youngest ate every veg I put in front of him but no meat apart from bolognese. Now at 44 the eldest still wont eat peas but most other stuff is OK. The youngest one eats anything. Tbh I didnt push them. Just tried different things as and when and Im guessing they eventually grew out of it of it when settled in relationships. Faddy grandchildren are now an issue but it is just the usual wont eat something that they have eaten many times before.

I was an incredibly picky eater as a child. As in, wouldn’t even be able to swallow if I didn’t like the stuff. The thought of eating things I didn’t like was so much worse than the hunger, so I’d just not eat until the next meal I liked. I skipped a lot of meals and was consequently quite thin.

I got indulged by one parent, and told you’ll eat dinner or have nothing by another. Neither were good strategies.

For me, refusing to eat was a way to have control over basically the only thing I could control as a child, so I’d suggest the problem might lie elsewhere with your daughter and this is a symptom of unhappiness from something else in her life. Addressing the unhappiness might be the first step.

Meals that in retrospect would have worked with me were: more very smoothly blended soups (with vegetables and a meat stock base for nutrition), lots of butter on finely chopped veg, soy sauce to dip well cooked vegetables in, fruit with honey or sugar.

I also think that if my parents had had space to grow veg and encouraged me to grow my own I’d have been very proud and wanted to eat them. Obviously this wasn’t an option for my parents and might not be for you, but it’s worth a thought.

In the mean time, make sure she has multivitamins with some fruit juice each day and try not to go too hard or too soft on her. If you can involve her in the cooking and make her feel really proud of making meals everyone likes then she’s more likely to engage in wanting to eat it too - you’re giving her some control as well as building skills for the future.

I was an odd fussy eater, ie all I would eat was fruit, salad, raw veg and cheese and the hot chocolate. I sometimes eat cereal and toast. School dinners were compulsory and I'd go all day without having breakfast and school meals. I survived and eat properly now (although the above foods are still very much enjoyed), so I don't think you can make her eat something she really doesn't want - all you can do is give her the meals she does - maybe skip the noodles though, as the other meals will have protein, veg in them.

You say she sometimes eats lots of carbs at night. Does she just help herself or does she ask? This is something you could work on.

I would also suggest letting her have headphones at the table if she wants... The eating sounds thing is just adding stress to mealtimes which she probably already finds stressful

@Dunnesbest I can't help as I was lucky with both my children not having food issues but you sound like a lovely mum, and I hope things get better. x

I do a "snack" plate for my fussy crew while I'm cooking dinner - veg sticks, some cut up tomato and melon or apple. They usually eat at least some of it.

This is also true actually... Thinking about it we did used to give snacks after school which usually included fruit alongside the cut up veg options. That was also more relaxed as we weren't sat at the table and everyone could just take or leave what they wanted as they felt like it. I think that's probably where she discovered she liked the veg sticks.

Could allowing DD to help with food preparation help? It does with me, I’ve always been ‘fussy’ about textures, so need get the nasty bits away from the actual meal. Quite difficult to explain in words, so hope this makes some sense!

I would say keep the safe foods but try and rotate them a bit. I don't think that means frequent noodles but the other things sounded healthier.

I agree with others about food on the table to help yourself, including safe foods.

I do think continued, unpressured exposure to other options is good.

One of my children had very similar safe foods, but gradually started to like peas too after being interested in trying them one day. She also used to just like fruit, but discovered she also likes cut up raw pepper and cucumber.

I think no pressure and no judgement or comments is key. These things are available but can be tried or not tried, and just because you ate them once doesn't mean you're expected to eat them another day

I used to be a childminder so had children with different likes/dislikes (whether it was one specific food or a whole foodgroup) what I found worked best was put each element of the dish in separate bowls and letting each child have control over what they they ate and how much. There was always at least 1 element of the meal that each child liked (even if that meant 3 or 4 different varieties of veg!) so no-one had nothing on their plate but sometimes they only had a pile of pasta with peas, drink was water or juice, pudding was generally a choice of yoghurt or something from the fruit bowl if they were still hungry. They had snack when we got in from school (toast/fruit/veg sticks, sometimes biscuits or cake) with a drink of juice or milk so no-one was starving when they went home and parents often commented that they'd eaten something at my house that they wouldn't at home.
Sometimes it is (like others have mentioned) that things are going on at school that they can't control (more so when you add puberty and hormones into the mix!) and what they eat is something they can have control over so give then control in a relaxed way include things they say they don't want/like as well as at least 1 thing you know they will like (even if it's just the rice/pasta) and 1 day they might surprise you

I would also add that I have found that mealtime is the worst time to introduce/suggest a new or disliked food.

The hungrier my DS is the harder he finds it to eat anything that isn’t ‘safe’.

So if I know we are coming up to a meal he may object to (at a relatives, for example) I will try to give him a healthy snack first (apples etc). If I want him to try something, I will offer it after a meal where he has had mostly what he likes.

One of my DDs was a very picky eater... plain pasta - dried , not fresh, shells or macaroni shaped. With grated cheese. That was what she wanted for dinner. Every night.

Our approach was - ok, but you take vitamins, you drink water. She was fine with that.

We had 2 nights a week where we all ate together (work/hobbies/caring for mum etc). Those were "bowl" nights. So a bowl of pasta, bowl of fries, bowl of cheese, bowl of brocolli or carrots or sweetcorn and a couple of jugs with tomato and cheese sauces. She always had pasta and cheese. But gradually a teaspoon of sweetcorn got added, or a blob of sauce on the very edge of the plate.
She's 23 now, a secondary school teacher, still a bit fussy, but fit, healthy and happy.