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To despair at dd12 eating habits?

214 replies

Dunnesbest · 22/09/2025 10:03

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

OP posts:
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Calamitousness · 24/09/2025 14:01

My son was similar and the constant hunger was actually more about a dopamine comfort release when eating and a need for oral stimulation. As a baby loved his dummy. Even as a newborn would feed and feed so I added water to bottles which you should never do in case you fill a baby up and they don’t get enough nutrition. It got
better with age/maturity and self control.

Dunnesbest · 24/09/2025 13:47

usernamealreadytaken · 24/09/2025 10:02

Has she always been restricted/fussy with foods, or did something change? What sort of carby snacks does she have access to?

@usernamealreadytaken she was fantastic as a baby and toddler, would eat anything. Her weight increased the fussier she got. She just seems hungry all the time, we're in a vicious circle where she's hungry an hour after eating the carbs so eats more. I serve protein, veg, fruit etc but let her choose what to eat. She'll fill up on the carbs. This has got worse over the last maybe 2 years, which, along with other issues, has made mw start to think there may be a deeper problem.

The carbs she has access to are pasta(white), wholemeal bread, oatcakes, cereal (brand branflakes or cornflakes).

OP posts:
Dunnesbest · 24/09/2025 13:47

usernamealreadytaken · 24/09/2025 10:02

Has she always been restricted/fussy with foods, or did something change? What sort of carby snacks does she have access to?

@usernamealreadytaken she was fantastic as a baby and toddler, would eat anything. Her weight increased the fussier she got. She just seems hungry all the time, we're in a vicious circle where she's hungry an hour after eating the carbs so eats more. I serve protein, veg, fruit etc but let her choose what to eat. She'll fill up on the carbs. This has got worse over the last maybe 2 years, which, along with other issues, has made mw start to think there may be a deeper problem.

The carbs she has access to are pasta(white), wholemeal bread, oatcakes, cereal (brand branflakes or cornflakes).

OP posts:
usernamealreadytaken · 24/09/2025 10:02

Dunnesbest · 22/09/2025 18:36

I may have made this comment before dd was born with my other dc who will happily eat every single thing put in front of them. My dd is given the same foods they are but here we are. Oh to go back to that privileged place!

Has she always been restricted/fussy with foods, or did something change? What sort of carby snacks does she have access to?

abbynabby23 · 23/09/2025 23:52

Dunnesbest · 22/09/2025 10:03

She is unbelievably fussy and I think I've tied myself up in knots trying to figure it out and I'm making it worse.

She has been fussy for a few years now. She's generally hard work so everything is a battle. She really only wants to eat plain pasta with cheese and brocolli, or instant noodles. She'll eat carabonara, bolognese and sometimes a basic chicken curry. If a meal isn't those she complains, doesn't eat it, then looks for carby night time snacks. She's overweight. She does eat fruit but has to be in the mood.

Meal times had become a battle so to take the pressure off I've been letting her have the pasta broccoli dinner while we have something else. This has just made her extra fussy and now I feel like I've rewarded her picky eating and made it worse.

She has some other issues with friends, rigidity etc so I have her on a waiting list for autism assessment. She was bullied in the past so it could be just rigidity and anxiety as an effect of thst. It could also be that she has just been spoiled. She doesn't like hearing people eat, and since I've brought attention to that and told her she may have 'sensory issues' the disliking people eating has magnified x 1000 that she's ruining mealtimes so again I let her leave the table. (She doesn't say anything just sits with her hands over her ears/ sighs etc.)

I think I just need it spelled out to me what to do. I've tried Internet suggestions eg different bowls at the table but I must be doing everything wrong because nothing works.

I do admit I tend towards a permissive parenting style which I'm really working hard to change. I find it hard to be tough on her in case there is some neurodiversity there and I'm just treating her like she's spoiled. Dh strategy would be to let her away with nothing but because I'm the cook we kind of go by my rules with this.

Be gentle, reading this back I realise I seem like a bit of a wet lettuce 😳. I really would welcome some constructive advice please.

I have 3 kids and whatever I give them for lunch/dinner they need to eat. Breakfast is the only meal they can choose. If they don’t like what they are being served, they are free to stay hungry. But no alternative such as fruits/snacks are offered. My second one was super fussy and now he eats everything with no complaints. However, if you DD might have any other underline issues I would personally get advice from specialists as she might need extra support. Good luck!

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 23/09/2025 14:55

When my brother was younger and was struggling with an extremely limited diet of bacon chocolate and white fish only we came to live with my nan for a bit and she thought she'd show him some tough love and that would get him to eat. He was just being fussy, children won't starve themselves.

He was admitted to hospital by day 3 with hypoglycemia and his skin was almost see through.

You can't starve out neurodivergence. It just doesn't work like that. There's no amount of being strict that will work.

I'd rather have a fat, happy, fed child than one who is malnourished, underweight and at risk of serious complications.

gemsy37 · 23/09/2025 14:49

Everythingthatmatters · 22/09/2025 10:13

I’m afraid I disagree and I’d be a bit firmer with her. I’d make curry and bolognese weekly meals so you know she will be fine with these. I’d let breakfast and lunch be meals she’s happy with. For the other five dinners I’d do normal family food and expect her to join in or go hungry. I’d definitely think about making it inclusive by serving elements in separate bowls and adding some plain elements too.
I would also add fruit or natural yogurt after dinner so she won’t starve.

My DS is autistic and has lots of issues around food. If I followed the advice given above it would be extremely stressful & would send him into absolute meltdown.

Melonjuice · 23/09/2025 10:48

She has the exact same eating habits as my ten year old ! I’m in the same position so hard to give any advice . Like you I gave in because it’s better to eat something than nothing . Broccoli and pasta aren’t too bad I guess

OnTheRoof · 23/09/2025 09:18

Outside9 · 23/09/2025 09:04

Again, to conclude, you're free to believe whatever fallacies you like. Have a great life

Again, to continue, you are claiming things as fact that are actually assumption.

It's also bemusing that you felt the need to make the argument on a thread about a child who's got a higher than average chance of being SEN, when even you don't think it necessarily applies in such cases. This is why it's important to read before typing.

Outside9 · 23/09/2025 09:04

OnTheRoof · 23/09/2025 07:59

Well not quite. You and I both used a similar fact, ie many humans having very limited food choices throughout their lives, to make different points.

What you first wrote was:

'Leave her hungry, you'll find her palette widens very quickly'

Your view is that many humans not having had a lot of dietary options apparently automatically means palettes widen if they're denied the foods they know. Other, more sensible people pointed out that this is guesswork on your part, and that the acknowledged reality for many humans of very few foodstuff choices means the natural selection you claimed to be relevant wouldn't have kicked in, in many circumstances. The fact that trying new foods has been dangerous and killed off some humans has also been completely ignored by you, which is not surprising as it's rather a problem for your argument.

Again, to conclude, you're free to believe whatever fallacies you like. Have a great life

OnTheRoof · 23/09/2025 07:59

Outside9 · 22/09/2025 21:31

Your first paragraph is essentially my first point / post I made, and made in subsequent posts.

Options / choice is the issue. Good try though

Well not quite. You and I both used a similar fact, ie many humans having very limited food choices throughout their lives, to make different points.

What you first wrote was:

'Leave her hungry, you'll find her palette widens very quickly'

Your view is that many humans not having had a lot of dietary options apparently automatically means palettes widen if they're denied the foods they know. Other, more sensible people pointed out that this is guesswork on your part, and that the acknowledged reality for many humans of very few foodstuff choices means the natural selection you claimed to be relevant wouldn't have kicked in, in many circumstances. The fact that trying new foods has been dangerous and killed off some humans has also been completely ignored by you, which is not surprising as it's rather a problem for your argument.

NJLX2021 · 23/09/2025 02:04

Get the ASD issue resolved first.

Because any advice about fussy eaters is dependent on whether or not there is another underlying issue at play.

E.g.

If there is no underlying issue and she (like many children) is just fussy, then I would advise being less flexible with food. It is pretty clear to anyone who lives outside of the U.K./Western countries that, freedom = fussyness for children. The more control you give them, the more they control things to what they like, which just re-enforces a narrow diet. In other cultures where it is "We are eating this, it is what you have, no alternatives" - expectation from an early age, and a rule that is so ingrained that the child wouldn't even think to complain or ask for something eles - fussy eating is much less of a thing. Parents in the U.K. think they are being kind and gentle, but actually, they are just enabling fussiness..

But again, that only works for children who don't have other underlying medical complications. Doing that with an autistic child? or one with an eating disorder? Not going to go well...

glittereyelash · 22/09/2025 23:33

My son has ARFID and we were advised to let him eat his safe foods and offer new foods on a different plate. We don't pressure him about what he eats. Its a mostly beige diet but every now and then he adds a new food.

InstantUserNameJustAddWater · 22/09/2025 23:09

One suggestion - plain, tinned chickpeas, beans and other legumes, rinsed well and served as is on the plate. Sometimes kids struggle with eg berries because they're individually unpredictable - juicy, squashy, sour etc. A tinned chickpea is pretty indistinguishable from every other chickpea in the tin, doesn't have a super-strong flavour, plus they're packed with nutrients, and they're good for picking up with fingers if need be.

Edit for typo

Tunice · 22/09/2025 23:08

Also I swear by the Annabelle karmel six veg hidden sauce 😅 I make up a tub every couple of weeks

SmallandSpanish · 22/09/2025 23:05

My dd has this and it got worse during puberty. She is autistic and it’s not a fussy thing. It’s a rigid thinking/ sensory thing, which can be exacerbated by stress. My only coping strategy is to go low demand and take the stress out of meal times/ don’t beat yourself up. You can provide variety. But you can’t make her eat it.

Bananainpyjamas1980 · 22/09/2025 22:41

Personally I would carry on with her favourite dinners and just tweak them by blitzing down tomatoes, carrot, peppers and onion, courgettes and any veg to hand and that's your bolognese sauce or just add to jar of sauce.
Do the same and add to curry also.
Teenagers live off noodles and my autistic daughter range of food got better as she got older.
Vitamin gummies are also a good idea.
Just take the pressure off yourself and relax around food.

Croakymccroakyvoice · 22/09/2025 22:06

I hope you can weed out the good advice from this thread OP. Please do avoid food becoming a battle. I've watched a child (not mine) wasting away before my eyes because food became a battle. I honestly didn't think they were going to survive. Subsequently, they were diagnosed with ARFID and better strategies put in place. Physically they are doing fine now but have been left with MH problems.

Always have safe food on offer. Have other stuff available but with no pressure. Be very patient. Seek professional help.

Good luck.

Mandylovescandy · 22/09/2025 21:57

Have you mentioned the eating to your GP? Nutritionally I wouldn't worry (my ARFID ASD DC has had bloods done various times and somehow despite eating a little range is fine with nutrients) but I would suggest a multivitamin and if she isn't getting enough iron then spatone. We have tried all sorts and progress is always very slow and is frustrating and tiring but the food chaining, cycling round safe foods and keeping offering something new did make a little bit of a difference. We do encourage eating of safe foods especially the fruit and veg that is acceptable. Does her eating bother her? It doesn't bother my DC at all so it makes it hard to tackle it as they aren't that interested in getting on board with a plan - we did a parenting children with anxiety class and the instructions were to tackle one thing and build a plan together with rewards. We had to do the plan as DC wasn't so interested but it worked for trying new foods as they didn't have to eat them but could add a tally mark for touching something new, then licking it and if they wanted actually trying it

Rexthesnail · 22/09/2025 21:49

What a PP said about when they're ill is extremely valid.

My underweight fussy child stops eating and drinking when hes ill, and we've ended up in hospital due to it several times. Sometimes ive gotten away with it by just giving him what he will take, lucozade sport, at one point it was a baby's bottle (i think because of the little amount that comes out) so I definitely agree with the allowing them to have anything when they're ill.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 22/09/2025 21:46

Also our dietician services were excellent at recommending sensory safe supplements. We get these spongebob fizzy drinks from superdrug for iron, to make up for the lack of meat eaten, and they talked to us about the 32 steps of eating which really helped us not make a big deal about if food wasn't consumed, and that interest in new foods is well into the 32 steps, and long before actually putting into into your mouth. This was revelationary to me as a worried parent, because it took a lot of stress away even seeing DS prod and poke the food, or use his hands to move it out of the way.

I also can't remember if it was a documentary I watched, or read something somewhere but there was something about what we consider food and it helped explain food anxiety in autistic people in a really clear way. I'll try and summarise.

So you might recognise chicken curry, or bolognese as food. In some parts of the world they will eat fried crickets, ants, and even chicks still in their eggs, or live octopus still squirming as you put it in your mouth. If you're not from those places, your brain will probably not automatically recognise that as food. In fact, you might even panic if you feel like you're forced to eat it. It might make you feel a bit queasy, uneasy, and repulsed to see a chicken foetus cooked in an egg being thrust infront of you while someone next to you eats it and tells you it's delicious. That instant lack of trust that something that is edible is food is what a lot of autistic people feel when some typical everyday foods are put infront of us. Our brains don't process the things infront of us as edible, even if those around us are eating it. You might eat something you've eaten for a long time, like a chicken stew, then one day the carrots or potatoes might not be fully cooked through, and it might have a bit of a crunch to it. No big deal to most people, but suddenly it isn't what your brain perceives as edible, and so there's that distrust sensation for that item of food.

Similarly, you might be given a chicken drumstick instead of a chicken breast, and when you bite into it you see the tendon or the vein, and it isn't what you usually find in chicken and the texture is a bit different so your subconscious tells you that is not food, it isn't edible, so now the only way you will eat chicken is once it's been ultra processed into a consistent uniform shape, flavour and texture.

ETA: Another example would be when you see some delicious cookies, you bite into them thinking it's chocolate chips, but it's oat and raisin! Suddenly you can't trust what you can see infront of you whenever you see chocolate chip cookies, because despite it being labelled chocolate chip cookies, and being reassured that it is chocolate chip, you will always think back to that time you bit into one and it wasn't yummy warm and gooey, it was crunchy and chewy and full of raisins.

This is what it's like being autistic and eating, except the window of foods you recognise as edible can be significantly smaller, and it's not something you can will away, it takes a lot of intensive therapy, like the Ellyn Satter-ish method our dietician recommended to us.

Outside9 · 22/09/2025 21:46

You've critiqued my post but not the ones that insulted me, so I'm not sure why I should care about your opinion.

AgnesMcDoo · 22/09/2025 21:43

Totally sounds like neurodiversity. It’s not fussy eating.

let her eat what she wants as it’s nut worth the battles.

get a diagnosis as quickly as you can and then take it from there.

Matchalattecoco · 22/09/2025 21:42

Just to add, I read somewhere that if you cook pasta in boiling water with a stock cube/bone broth the pasta will absorb it and give her a bit more nutrition or could see if she’s ok with pasta made from chickpeas or lentils.

Hankunamatata · 22/09/2025 21:41

Try swapping instant noodles to fine dry egg noodles. Mine say they taste similar (fussy textures) to be ok. Then they add their own flavour or one fine just adds soya sauce

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