To think that this was uncalled for?

I think you could open the conversation by email, but a F2F conversation allows you to see body language and let's the discussion flow where it needs to more easily.

I dont know how your manager will react but a good manager would want to be able to talk freely. Emails can always be misconstrued and some things, though they need to be said, benefit from the impermanence of a chat. If someone has said something, maybe unreasonably, for instance, and I'd smoothed it over and then talked to you, I'd want to keep that off the record for your sake.

I think you've made a mistake.

The right place to ask these questions w I uld have been in your appraisal not on mumsnet.

The proper question to ask would be "why?". Then you might have got.an explanation (for instance) that anything that forms a chat group (banner, smoking room, etc) invariably leaves some people out and divides a team. Even if it doesn't actually it provides the perception that any perk or promotion you give is based on group membership rather than ability.

Then you'd have real feedback rather than the conjecture (and outrage) here.

It would also make you appear interested in the feedback you're getting and invested in improving.

Maybe something to think about for your next appraisal??

Meantime, you can always go back to your manager and say "I've been thinking about our chat and...."

So what did he say when you asked him for specific examples of behaviour where he feels you could approach things differently?

Sexist shit.

Nobody would ever describe a man as 'bubbly'.

What does it even mean? Jovial, happy, light-hearted, silly, girlish, empty headed, does it relate to your appearance? And is it positive or negative?

You should ask him.

What was the lunchtime conversation with your colleague about? And why do you someone would complain over that particular conversation?

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

IME I think you can do both (but maybe only if you’re a man unfortunately).

I worked for years for a company with about 100 employees. The managing director was a real lad - into football etc. He was super friendly with like-minded people in the company, men and women, and hosted a couple of parties each year at his house for employees. But he also ruled with a rod of iron and people were very aware of this and respected him.

Only on MN can a run of the mill appraisal, which of course comes with positives and negatives, become a verbal warning!

I agree that this is a verbal warning and it’ll be a formal disciplinary if you don’t change what you are doing.

How I hate the word ‘banter’. What is ‘banter’ to some is stupid jokes, time wasting, veiled criticism and sometimes downright inappropriateness to others.

Have you been truly reflective about this? Do junior members of stafff like you but don’t necessarily respect you? How much time every day is spent in ‘banter’? If you have to have a difficult conversation, how easy up is that? You say you work incredible hard - are you picking up the slack for members of your team who are spending too much time on banter?

Professionalism is really important if you want to progress - take this as something to think about rather than as something spiteful. I don’t think anyone is asking you to mask your personality, they’re asking you to be reflective and I expect they will be looking at whether you have listened.