To have nothing further to do with them?

OP, your DH's family sound pretty awful. It's not so much the excluding you from a party, but lying then turning up at your house the next day is weird.

Lives are so busy these days, few adults have time to facilitate play dates. Are there any affordable hobbies your dc could do, like scouts? Somewhere your dc can enjoy being with friends without the pressure of you constantly assessing whether the other parties are as invested as you.

I understand you're worried but try not to project your own hurts onto your daughter. She is her own person and deserves her chance at carving her own paths to friendships etc. Friendship is very much something you can't engineer or push for someone else.
If it happens, it will on its own but no amount of you trying to "set her up" for friendship will work, in fact it's likely to backfire.

This is quite simple OP.

The cousin and their parents have lots of close friends. Their daughter is busy playing with her close friends at the weekends.

You and your child don't have friends and so you are putting pressure on this family relationship to fill the gap that you have.

It is very normal for cousins to see each other a couple of times a year and for birthday parties to just be with school friends. Even if they were closer, many people wouldn't invite a cousin to a party where they only know the birthday child because it is easier if everyone knows each other.

The answer is for you to work on facilitating friendships for your child rather than putting pressure on family to fill the gap.

I hope your daughter isn’t damaged by what happened yesterday because she has witnessed her own mother stomp off upstairs, and then her dad upset when the guests left? She has witnessed or heard all of this. Poor child.
You have been given excellent advice on this thread but you have been antagonistic and abusive to people if you haven’t agreed with their advice or opinion. I think you need to seek therapy as you have many deep seated issues. I would be cringing about my behaviour if I were you.

Not really on the subject, but PIL should really help you and DH with the cost of exchanging your current car for a 7 seater. It is not acceptable for you to be left at home on Boxing Day year after year.

You may not get to the bottom of what is going on with BIL & SIL, but it may not be as simple as you think.

Your DD should have a birthday party with her friends too. We've done plenty of parties at home with 5 to 10 children, it doesn't need to cost very much.

Think about this from your SIL point of view. It’s very intense to be someone’s only social connection. That is the word that comes to mind most about this thread - intense.

I would find my SIL describing me as her sister too much and I like her very much, but she’s not my sister.

Im not ND and one of my kids recently has an incident in school that I had a big emotional reaction to, but I realised it was because it reminded me of my life and checked myself.

Maybe you find that harder due to ND? Is there any way you can get help with that?

It also seems that you are struggling with previous rejection. I knew someone who was badly bullied, I was happy to be friendly with her but she made everything very difficult but constantly giving out about things she perceived as rejection. People are often happy to be kind but they want to have fun socially not constantly feel a weight of obligation.

You’re also recovering from cancer which is huge and your putting your body under stress which can’t be good.

Take the advice on this thread, it’s good advice. Nothing abnormal about a 7 year old having a party with school friends.

For Boxing Day can DH nit make 2 trios??

I have to ask...what is the Jane Eyre option?? Getting engaged to BiL despite him being married to mentally ill SiL (who these days would be on a year long urgent psych team waiting list rather than locked in the attic probably)?

It’s not that normal for a 7 year old these days. In 1995 yes, but now people are more cautious in general about their kids.

I wouldnt let my child stay for days or go on holiday with someone else whether they were family or not. You arent close, you only see them a few times a year so why would you expect to take their child for so long?
Some people just like their children with them and tbh you seem really overly emotional and angry with extremely high expectations of other people and you obviously struggle with social situations, so I wouldnt feel comfortable with that. You're still denying that they've done nothing wrong and seem to think being blood means something..... it doesnt.

You're such a martyr and I still think your husband is awful!

Sleepovers are less of a thing in this day and age. And I wouldn’t be packing my child off to Blackpool with family we don’t see that often either so I don’t think either of those two options really tell you much other than they may not agree with overnight stays and that is absolutely fine. Nothing personal.

I think their child probably has plenty of friends and when you all see each other the kids play nicely but ultimately for the cousin they don’t really need to put much into this relationship as they have an already full circle. That’s just life. My child is now at school, numbers are limited she invites who she wants to her parties, not cousins just by default and not my friends kids just because I’m friends with their parents. It’s about the child and who they want there

They have their reasons clearly and it’s probably really upsetting. I had a cousin do the same thing but now our kids are teenagers and they’re so close and she practically begs for them to hang out as my teen is the better behaved one. They’re very close now. However, I think you handled it wrong. Leading the family group and blocking them is childish. You should have tried to have a conversation about it. If they weren’t open to the conversation and didn’t want to divulge what the issue was, then you could have just taken the hint and carried on without making a scene.

We're a ND family, and I understand the hurt you feel from the rejection.

I'm in a similar situation (have an only, my one sibling has an only and we have no other family), but I'm further down the road than you.

Mine is now in late teens, and niece is at GCSE stage and there has barely been any contact between them since they moved to Secondary School.

This isn't because of any kind of falling out or distancing between the adults, it's just been the natural progression of their relationship as they go through puberty and navigate high school.

So what I'm trying to say is that even if the kids were best friends now, it's highly likely that this wouldn't continue to be the case as they get older (for one or both cousins).

Hopefully they will find their way back to each other as adults.

Also, it took a long time for my dc to find their 'tribe' but now they have and they have a group of wonderful (also ND) friends.

No tips for doing it as an adult as I am yet to master that one! I wish you luck.

Can you adopt a child?

OP, it's clear you've had a lot of rejection in your life and it has hurt you a lot. It is also clear that you don't understand why, and you've said you would like to understand why. People are replying trying to (nicely) explain why and you are responding by telling them they are wrong. You seem like a nice person at heart, and someone who is hurting, so I'm also going to try to explain why - though I suspect you will reject my explanation just like you have rejected everyone else's.

On this thread you have exhibited quite a few characteristics which make it difficult for other people to maintain enjoyable relationships for them.

People have tried explaining to you that different people do cousin relationships differently and that's perfectly fine. You won't accept that. If your SIL doesn't make the same decisions you would then you label her as unkind or not caring. I'm sure you don't mean it that way but that's incredibly controlling.

You say you don't convey that to your SIL but your replies on herd indicate you have little self-awareness about how your own feelings may be conveyed snd how intense you are.

At 7 years old, unless the two cousins are joined at the hip and absolutely best friends (which is clearly not the case here) there is no problem letting a child pick to just invite their friends to a party. Would you do it? No. Does that make it wrong? Also no.

The fact that the child has been told to lie about it is unusual and suggests that the family were scared of the reaction from someone if they found out. From your posts, I think it's likely that person is you. I know you don't think they see/experience a reaction from you, but I think it's highly likely that they do but that you have no self-awareness about it.

You did nothing wrong per se in offering to take the cousin on holiday or for them to come and stay. But your reaction to them saying no shows no understanding of their position - again unless they agree to have the kind of relationship you want then they are seen by you as horrible people. There is no way in the world I would send a 7 year old to stay with or on holiday with someone they do not see extremely regularly and feel very comfortable with. That's not you OP. Making the offer is fine. The level of judgement and hurt feelings when that offer is declined, is not fine.

Your description of the playdates that have fizzled out, also show these patterns of thinking - that if someone doesn't do a relationship the way you would do it that they are bad/unkind/uncaring people (which is not true) and you are disproportionately hurt by it.

Your replies on here are incredibly intense yet don't take on board anyone's suggestions or feedback. If friends/relatives don't follow the same script you would use then its clear very hurt and see them as mean people, time after time.

The other people aren't doing anything wrong per se. They just aren't living their lives the exact way you want them to. The only way that this situation is going to change and be less hurtful to you is for you to develop an understanding that them not following your script doesn't mean they don't care or that they are horrible people. It's clear that these types of thoughts are linked to issues/rejection from your own past and that these are fueling anxieties about your own DC being hurt and rejected. The problem is that your intensity of feelings and rigidity of thought makes this more likely, as it is more likely both that people will avoid you (and in turn your DC) and that your feelings of rejection when people live their own lives, will seep out and result in your DC also feeling rejected when there is no need.

As someone has said up-thread please get some counselling/therapy. I know you see that the problem is "them" (your SIL, the friends, etc) but what is actually causing pain for you - and has the potential to cause pain for your DC - is extreme emotional response to other people's relatively normal decisions.

And FWIW, I never invited a cousin to a birthday party, never went to a cousin's birthday party, never stayed overnight at a cousin's house, never had a cousin stay overnight at my house, never went on holiday with cousins, saw them 3 or 4 times a year, and as adults we are quite close (though still do none of those things!)

The question is why is my DC not considered to be one of cousin’s friends? Because they keep rejecting all contact and not facilitating a relationship between the girls

Absolutely nothing to do with that. You are completely missing the social aspect of such parties. The kids invited would have all been from school and/or clubs. So, they know each other and will socially interact at the party in those groups. Your child would have known no one from school, or clubs/sports, only their cousin. So, by default your child would have only interacted with their cousin at the party. That would have monopolised cousins time and pretty much cut them off from socialising with the others. That’s why it was inappropriate to invite your child. It’s a part of party planning, factoring in these social aspects! You have made it into something it is not.

OP, why don't you just send her an email stating what you have said here; ask her why she doesn't want the girls to be close, and why was your daughter excluded from the party? ASK HER!!

I'm sorry but in what planet is leaving a group chat and sitting upstairs in a huff "the nuclear option"?

It's not even the Jane Eyre option

I know you say you can’t fit all in the car but unless your PIL is taking up two cars seats then I’m sure you could squeeze in for a 45 min journey. It’s not 3 hour journey. We’ve all had to wedge ourselves in a car at some point to get somewhere, especially if it’s somewhere you really want to go. As long as everyone’s got a seat belt then it would be fine. Maybe they think it’s odd you don’t just get in a 5 seater car for a short journey?

It does sounds harsh that they’re not taking you up on the offers of looking after their DC and seeing them but honestly I think you need to chill a bit. My cousins dont invite my kids to their kids parties all the time, it’s just what happens as they get older. They don’t see each other all the time but when they do, it’s still magical. That’s almost the joy of cousins. Not all families are like TV families but closeness can come from the moments a few times a year. It can’t be forced.
If they want to have not regular contact then that up to them, don’t spoil it for your child and husband by making those few moments very awkward. Sometimes you have to just enjoy what you have with people.
X

So you " went nuclear " but didn't actually ask them why your DC wasn't invited ?
Really ?

I read all your posts and you seem like a completely reasonable person to me.

It would have been unreasonable to have sat there pretending everything is okay! I hope they feel mortified at being found out. And you didn’t even lose your shit, you just removed yourself.

They don’t seem to care about anyone but themselves so fuck em. Lying to you and coaching their child to lie says a lot about their characters.

I would concentrate on the good ones from now on. You have a lot of love to give by the sounds of it so channel that energy into the family you do have - DP, DS and PILs. That’s more than a lot of people.

I wouldn’t worry about the cousins thing. I haven’t known anyone that takes much stock of who their cousins are as adults, apart from the odd polite catch-up at a wedding or funeral.

Personally I’d still go to the family Christmas - again, fuck em. Let them feel awkward and enjoy your turkey.

That was what struck me reading through the OP's posts. SIL's DH doesn't like wasting his whole weekend with the ILs, so they go there and back in one day instead. Then the visits get shorter and further apart, and the Christmas arrangements changed to favour BIL's parents. Now a wedge has been driven between SIL and her family, by arranging a secret birthday party that the child then mentions to those excluded (because what young kid is good at keeping secrets about something so exciting?). It may indeed be that SIL is a bitch, but alternatively she may be being isolated from her family by her husband. Either way, it's not the kid's fault, and cutting contact entirely punishes the cousins for things entirely out of their control.

A few things jump out at me about your posts.

1. It is your BIL who said that it was too much for your SIL to visit your PIL because it ate into his weekend. She therefore shortened the visit and shortened it further until it is non existent. Your DC doesn't get invited to a party and is told to keep it a secret. You have now stopped contact. You and DH are ND. SIL is now fully isolated from her family. Have you stopped to check if SIL is ok? Is she being deliberately excluded from her family because her husband is abusive and instead of recognising the signs, you think she is being a bitch?

1. Boxing day. Wow. Just wow. You are excluded EVERY YEAR because your PIL can no longer travel. How absolutely appalling of both your DH and PIL to leave you on your own at this time. You are misdirecting your anger at SIL in this matter. Have you always been a people pleaser because this behaviour is not on, even if you are the one to suggest it. Where are your parents at this time? If around trip taxi costs the best part of £200 and your PIL know this AND it happens EVERY year, why are they not putting £20 away every month to pay for the trip instead of expecting you to stay behind so they go for free? Just unacceptable on their part and on the part of DH for allowing it.

1. It was not ok for SIL to come to her parents every year and for BIL not to see his parents on Christmas when he is an only child. Now that the opposite is happening you feel excluded but the reality is that your SIL has extended the invitation but you don't go because your PIL won't budget for getting there. There are two alternatives here - (1) you host alternative years and BIL parents come too or (2) you all have individual Christmas and decide on say the weekend between Christmas and New Year to have a family Christmas. This should mean that either you all go to PIL/yours/SiL for lunch or whatever or book a lunch out so everyone travels. As it's not a premium day, the taxi should be cheaper for your PIL to get to SIL.

1. I think you might be overthinking the friendship thing and maybe making it a bit hard work. My kids have plenty of friends at school and I just offer playdates. It doesn't often get returned but I view this as not being about me. Other parents are busy. I will have chit chat at the school gates but don't expect to be going for coffees etc. my kids also only have 3 cousins, 2 of whom are ND. I don't have the kids over now because their parents refuse to parent and give me pertinent medical information to keep their children safe while under my care so I could prevent day trips turning into emergencies that could otherwise have been easily prevented. All of the kids are rude and there is an expectation that I will pay for and organise day trips for them and have them for sleep overs and in 21 years, my SIL has had my child once and that was only because I had to ask as I was desperate for childcare for 4 hours. Some people are just too wrapped up in their own lives to add anyone else into the mix - you just haven't found your tribe yet.

1. You say you have cut off your family (but I don't know who as you are an only child and still speak to your parents) and now you are cutting off SIL. Gently, could your reactions to situations be one of the reasons you find yourself in this situation?

1. Make peace with your situation otherwise it's going to live rent free in your head and turn you into a bitter person. Either tackle it with SIL head on and explain how hurt you have been at her behaviour. She will either own it or she won't. Alternatively decide you will never raise it, she will continue her behaviour and accept you won't have the close connection you crave.

1. Join some clubs on your own and for your child. Friendships will form with time.

Good luck OP.

I didn't expect a sister in marriage. I have 2 and don't need or want anymore.

Being welcomed in a family is one thing, expecting a sister or sister like relationship is another.

It's obvious that you and SIL are very different individuals.

Some Inlaws are great friends, but you do seem intense and many people will back away from you. You barely see SIL as it is, so you're not losing much.

Families come in all shapes and sizes.

Some are close, others, not so much. Some think they're close, but it's very superficial.

I'm close to all my siblings and lived with each of them at various stages as an adult. People have said, they could never do that and have said it's weird that were so close.

You need to accept that, your husband and his sister aren't that close...meaning the cousins won't be either.

It could also be that SIL isn't that keen on you, for whatever reason or you're just not her kind of person. Truthfully, I'm not overly keen on my SIL... and would prefer to keep her at a distance.