To have nothing further to do with them?

What an immature way to behave.

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one.

Looks like the flounce was part of the "going off on one" to me. I feel sorry for her husband and daughter. OP obviously has a lack of social skills and has developed a huge chip on her shoulder about friendships as a result. All of which is then projected onto her daughter. She thought family would fill the role of the friends she never had, and is furious it hasn't turned out that way. This isn't about DD and the party - it's all her own resentments at her in-laws bubbling to the fore.

It's sad. There was never any attempt at a normal, rational conversation. OP just jumped straight to the drama llama options of blocking, flouncing, and declaring she wouldn't take DC in even if the parents died. It's a deranged overreaction. I feel sorry for her husband and child. She must be exhausting to live with. She blames everything on her autism, is completely unwilling to work on herself, and thinks people have wronged her at every turn.

OP, you're being a hypocrite. You claim you care about your daughter having a relationship with her cousin, because she's her only family, but you've interfered and cut off the relationship between the two girls because your feelings were hurt. You can kid yourself it was about your daughter, but it obviously wasn't. They're seven year olds. It was one party. You didn't even try to smooth things over and maintain the relationship. Instead, you went nuclear on your daughter's behalf. I'm guessing this isn't the first time you've done this, and that it's part of the reason she struggles with friendships.

Later you decide you'd rather go no contact than only see family on special occasions. Because that's "crumbs" and that's insulting to you. Once again, it's not about how your daughter feels, or what's best for her. She can have a relationship with her cousin on your terms or not at all. Stop blaming your autism for what is clearly selfishness and unresolved issues on your part. Sort yourself out. Your behaviour is hurting your daughter. She deserves better from you.

It's clearly not just the party, is it?

Did you read the whole post?

Though I do think @Pouticel needs (with her husband) to speak to them and find out what's going on

I know but that has nothing to do with the delivery of some of these posts. My original post outright suggested to the OP to get some help and realise she may be part of the challenge but I’ve not told her she’s horrible or made her feel like a bad parent or person. Let’s not forget this OP has autism. And whether people believe the challenges that brings or not is their issue. Managing neurodivergence as a parent surrounded by neurotypical parents and family is exhausting. They see/feel things very differently and it can be very heavy. This poor woman sounds exhausted from trying to fit in to a world she doesn’t always have the social cues or skills to manage or understand.

We can constructively advise someone to look at themselves without being a bully about it. Autistic people are wired differently, it’s a fact and the key is for them is to get advice to reflect and gain support to help them thrive, and learn how to adapt in a world that thinks differently to them. It’s not about excusing poor behaviours, it’s about helping them to look at things and try to understand their part in life’s challenges when it’s not always obvious to them.

Please take this on board OP. It’s not good enough to just say “I have autism” You have a DC to think about here.

Assomeone has said up-thread please get some counselling/therapy. I know you see that the problem is "them" (your SIL, the friends, etc) but what is actually causing pain for you - and has the potential to cause pain for your DC - is extreme emotional response to other people's relatively normal decisions

I'm just confused to why OP is in their will. They expect OP to look after their dc after they die, but don't want a relationship with her or her dc?

If I didn't like someone, I definitely wouldn't leave my child with them regardless blood or not.

I'm just puzzled. Unless they changed this and didn't tell her?

I also don't understand why OP stays at home and says there's no space for her in the car! Her in laws can make alternative arrangements to visit. Silly all around.

I think in the nicest possible way, you need to take a look at yourself rather than this being a dc issue. You have stated that you’ve cut your own family off and can’t make meaningful friendships. There may have been many reasons why they didn’t want their DD to stay over, they may have different parenting styles, different morals, parents may have anxiety issues regarding their young child being away and it comes across that you may have been quite pushy. This can also make people feel uneasy. There may be a good reason they have distanced themselves from ‘family’ - not everyone had a great childhood- it can different for siblings even in the same house. They may be just trying to live a happy life with the partner they chose and the child they chose to have- you can’t always pick family! I’ve been on the receiving end of over pushy family, it was exhausting, uncomfortable, and a huge drain on me and my children emotionally too. We ended up trying to keep them at arms length (it ended up NC) which is what I think is happening here if I’m being honest. We don’t always get the family relationships we want, or the friendship groups we want but we can control how we deal with it. Your posts seems so angry and vengeful. Just focus on you, your partner and your child. Be the happiest version of yourself you can be, make your own happiness. If family/friends want to be a part of that great! It not- just let them and you move on. Don’t let your autism stop you making friends- I have ‘mom friends’ with autism - all different scales of the spectrum. Take a chill pill when trying to make friends- if your always on egg shells - it shows, if your afraid of doing something wrong all the time and not yourself - any friendships won’t be an even footing and be meaningful/longlasting- if that’s makes sense. I mean all of this in the kindest of ways. Our kids learn from us, none of us are perfect but think what your showing her . Take care and I hope it works out for you.

She said it very early on into the thread.

I agree up to a point and I think kindness is appropriate because the OP is struggling but I also think there’s no point just providing an echo chamber to validate the OP’s reaction.

Its a very emotional and highly irrational response and it has the potential to create a lot of damage to her daughter if she grows up to believe she is automatically entitled to friendships as a result of family ties.

I see so many posts on here from people who struggle with friendships precisely because they have grown up with highly unrealistic expectations or in families with toxic relationships.

There’s a duty of care as a parent to model behaviour which supports positive relationships and at the moment the OP’s baggage isn’t allowing her to do this.

AIBU is for this if is for anything.

So they have reciprocated by inviting your Dc / family to similar tea and cake party?

At 7 kids' parties are generally school based. Your dc wouldn't know anyone.

Are they the same sex?

Can everyone on this thread just take a chill pill and stop being so harsh. This OP is not a bad person, she is clearly very hurt, sensitive to rejection (a huge challenge for autistic people) and absolutely sounds like she’s in a place of severe autistic burnout where it’s easier to cut ties because the skills and experience to see or understand how else to get away from the situation are genuinely not there. Right or wrong her reaction is the result of years of hurt and struggles clearly. There’s a few of us that have tried to respond with some compassionate advice to help her reflect and see how she can help herself move forward. But some of the posts are just terrible. One poster said “stop using your autism as an excuse” - seriously do you even read your posts out loud? There is a real, hurt person at the end of this thread so just chill out when dishing the tough advice. You can be honest without being brutal. Bloody hell this forum is chaos at times.

Who did she antagonise?

She's hurt and venting in a safe space, give her a fucking break!

She didn't go off on one, she left the room.

Why didn't you just open your mouth and ask them why DD wasn't invited to the party, instead of going off on one? You're supposed to be the adults. You could have just explained why you feel this relationship is so important for both of them, and had a polite conversation about how you've been struggling to pin down time the cousins can spend together lately.

Your reaction makes me wonder if you're the one they're avoiding. Or if your DD doesn't have many friends, and you're upset because you've been using DC to fill that gap.

This post is horrible and I suspect shows that you are in fact the problem. You wouldnt let your DH take in his Dsis’s orphaned child and would let him go to one of their ‘precious friends’ instead because your feelings are hurt? I’m speechless that you typed that out and posted it. GAFG!

You should have mentioned this tiny detail in your opening post, don't you think? Up until now I was under the impression you just came here to antagonise people.

Hey. OP -
i think I get what you are saying ?
you’ve had a lifetime of being excluded
you are an only child and you have ASD
you weren’t able to have a 2nd child and you don’t want your child to feel alone, as you did / do
you’ve had difficulties establishing friendships with other mums and that impacts on friendships / play dates for your DD -
your ASD is likely to be a factor -
you have tried really hard to/ gone over and above to have a good relationship
with in-laws and the relationship between the cousins has been really important to you because of your past experiences -
but they aren’t reciprocated..
which leaves you feel hurt and rejected again
even more so because now it is affecting your DD

that is a hard burden to bear and that is why your reaction has been nuclear - because you are hurting and you are trying to protect yourself and DD from further hurt …

this is a big deal, after all life time of hurt -

please be super kind to yourself,
access therapy for yourself -
start to work through some of what you have gone through - you deserve some TLC

That was my initial thought but yeah, you're right

Why have you got such an emphasis on family being more important than friends? Why should your child be more important than others hes actually friends with?

Hmm, this is a good point, though.
I mean, I was close with all my cousins when I was little, and I still am now as an adult.
We never went to each others birthday parties though, I'd have my school friends and they all went to different schools and so they'd have theirs.
Would never have occurred to me to be to upset at not going to their parties and presumably likewise the other way round!
You do sound a bit overbearing in that respect, sorry.
Especially with the going nuclear and repeated "fuck 'ems" in the thread.
You say your child and the cousin enjoy meeting up when they do? So sounds like they have a nice relationship. You can't control the parents and what they do with their time, though.

This is the crux of the issue. You have anxiety due to your own life experiences. Rather than work through your issues, you are making them someone else's problem. Which is actually isolating your DD.

"Just wondering why you never want to meet up lately , make excuses and hide birthday parties?"
Put them on the spot a bit so they have to let you know,

Wouldn't that make them withdraw even further?

Isn't it their business who they see & how often?

Yeah, that was my thought too.
You've "gone nuclear?"
I'd have needed to know what their problem was, but what's going off on one going to achieve? Do you do that or a lot, or prone to strops or sulking?
"Just wondering why you never want to meet up lately , make excuses and hide birthday parties?"
Put them on the spot a bit so they have to let you know, but going off on one is OTT.

I only had children bridesmaids (niece and young cousin) as asking my friends seemed like an absolute minefield - who wants to dress their friends? Or proclaim an order of who you like best - I like lots of my friends equally!

Edit - I did ask my oldest friend to be a witness as well as doing a reading which seemed to me to do the job.

OP, the children are so young. You are feeling really rejected right now because of their apparent lack of motivation or prioritising of something that is really important to you.

I think its making you feel really vulnerable and worried for your child, but i do think that you are getting it a bit out of proportion.
Your SIL not being as bothered about getting the cousins together as you are, doesnt mean that your childrens relationship as cousins is not going to happen, or is doomed. I strongly advise you try and work through your strong feelings on this.
I suspect RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) is showing up here. Try not to lash out, because you are only going to make the situation worse if you arent careful.
Its clearly triggering something big in you, but really, if they arent going to the same school, then there will be a long time ahead of you where they dont see each other that much. Your daughter will hopefully make her own friends. You dont have to have playdates or make a big deal out of it. These are often really tricky for autistic kids anyway.
Id suggest keeping it lower key. Take your daughter to the local park to play with other kids more maybe. Its less intense way to play than having one or two other kids in your own space.

I get that you feel you need to make a big decision because you are so hurt and triggered by this, but i think you should get out those intense feelings talking to a therapist or the samaritans - its a perfectly normal use of the samaritans btw - theyre not just for suicidal people. If it helps you talk out your feelings then i think thats a better way than exploding at your in-laws.

im autistic too OP. x