To have nothing further to do with them?

I'm sorry you're so upset.
They don't want their child to go on holiday with you or stay the night. That's their choice and a perfectly okay one.
They didn't invite your child to the schoolfriends party. Again that's their choice and a perfectly okay one. (You have never invited their child to a proper party either.)
They might not be the kindest people in the world, but they've come round with cake to share with your child ... and you've gone postal. How will that help your child have a relationship with their cousin?

Or, they know you are likely to overreact to something completely normal and were trying to avoid a scene.

It may be upsetting, but they are allowed their choices so it's best if you move on from it. Walking off will have proved to them that they are making the right choice.

My daughter and her cousins are close, however they are not invited to their birthday parties. My daughter wants her school friends at her party and we then have family round in a different date. I’ve never seen a issue with it tbh, I wouldn’t want by niece to feel uncomfortable at a pert where she only knows one other person, equally my daughter would feel that she needed to ‘look after’ niece instead of playing with her friends. If you feel they are excluding you then fair enough but to storm off upstairs and refuse to speak to them is childish and immature.

Very, very good advice.

I hope you're listening OP because at the moment you're modelling tantrumming and victim mentality to your daughter.
For her sake put your big girl pants on and take the advice given herem

I'm sorry that you've had some harsh responses on here. You are obviously concerned that you had a lonely childhood as an only child who found it difficult to make friends and you think that history is repeating itself with your own child. I think you probably over-relied on your DC's cousin for friendship and invitations to parties.

I think they had a party with school friends that your DC wouldn't know so maybe they thought that your DC would have felt left out so they arranged a second small party at your PILs house.

I think that your worries about your DC's friendships are making you quite intense and you have over-reacted because you feel so upset for your DC.

Oh, for goodness sake.

You are clearly hell bent on feeling sorry for yourself rather than doing anything constructive.

If you don’t want to damage your daughter I suggest that:

1: you take on board the majority consensus that it is perfectly normal to have separate family and friendship events, and that that does not mean that your niece doesn’t like your daughter or that they think she’s “not good enough”;

2: you respect your BIL and SIL’s boundaries rather than trying to bully them into your way of doing things. It sounds like they’re happy to have a gentle family relationship with you and your daughter which doesn’t involve living in each other’s pockets. Again, perfectly normal. You should accept that and offer the odd invitation rather than incessantly trying to force the girls together;

3: you encourage your daughter to make her own friends, and do not pass on your world view that she is entitled to demand that people spend time with her otherwise that it is okay to throw tantrums. Create opportunities for friendship, work on her social skills and things that can make her fun and interesting - hobbies, kindness, cheerfulness, conversational ability. Encourage resilience, not sulkiness;

4: you stop looking at the world through a “poor me” lens. You clearly have a massive persecution complex and that is not going to make you easy company;

5: have therapy for your own issues.

You say you can’t afford a party for your DC and you just have sandwiches and cake at home, and invite the cousin.
Maybe your family thought their big party would be showing off and inappropriate, and might provoke envy and resentment ? They have come to have tea and cake with you and your DC as they always do, so enjoy their company. No need to “go nuclear” and make things worse.

YANBU - they are asking their child to lie about their birthday party.

They clearly don’t want anything to do with you and whilst I can’t know why that is, and we only have your side of the story, I think that their behaviour is off and isn’t how family should treat each other.

I don't invite my children's cousins to their bday parties, (at least not since they were preschoolers), and vice versa. This is because my children have class parties instead and I imagine it's the same for their cousins.

I don't place a lot of importance on relationships between cousins. That goes for me and for my children. It's nice that they hang out sometimes, which they do, but it isn't essential or life changing if they don't.

That said, I can see it is a different scenario for you. You see the cousins as almost like siblings and you were hoping they'd be there for each other as adults. But maybe your in laws feel a bit more like I do?

Regardless, going "nuclear" is quite a scary overreaction and I would find that extremely off-putting. I don't think you'll have any problems avoiding seeing them anytime soon as I imagine they'll be avoiding you too! I think you have just cut your nose off to spite your face tbh

What a load of bollocks. And I say that with a ND child

Of course it costs more to take more kids on holidays, even camping. It's more expensive than a birthday party. Hundreds of ££££s come on now. 🙄

If I’ve read it right, you’re still there at the tea party but are sat upstairs sulking and blocking them on social media and WhatsApp?
Just go back downstairs, put a smile on your face and salvage the rest of the party or you will certainly never be invited to anything ever again with them.
Its not a great example to your child is it?

I have 19 cousins.

we are all born a year apart roughly and we’re close (in groups) growing up. Sept loads of time with each other etc - but never went to each others birthday parties for friends and always did separate family ones.

I can see why you’re hurt if they’ve avoided you but your reaction indicates you’re hard work so that may be why?

I can’t comment on the refusals of your offers to have them in the summer or play dates, but once you get to primary school, parties can become tricky because of the sheer number of potential invitees, and if it’s a pricy, activity-based one it might just have been that their DC prioritised their school friends over your DC, and there were limited numbers in the package. I think you were unreasonable for leaving the WhatsApp chat and blocking them…there are ways of distancing yourselves without going nuclear.

Perfectly normal not to invite cousins to a birthday party with friends at that age, if that’s their preference. They haven’t excluded your family/child, because they knew they were seeing you today.

I also find your comments regarding only children odd. I’m an only child and so is my DS. I love my life, and have never wished for closer family ties. Instead, I place value on the relationships I’ve chosen for myself throughout my life; with DH, as well as friends and acquaintances. Family isn’t everything.

That being said, based on your posts here I’m sure they’ll breathe a sigh of relief at your stepping back from family relations. You may actually find that it improves your DC’s chances of having a relationship with them.

You are being massively unreasonable, it's perfectly normal for children's birthday party's to just consist of classmates at this age.

If your posts on this thread are indicative of your usual behavior and attitude then they may well be trying to distance themselves.

On an update you mention mum-friends and it sounds like maybe you have very few friends in general, have you thought about why this might be and if you do want stronger relationships/friendships going forward how you may need to adapt to facilitate these?

er no, I'm an only child, it's been fine, I spend time with my family and time with friends.
I certainly don't 'go nuclear' when I feel my child has been excluded because you know what? that is 100% the way to assure that they will be going forward.

“Once your parents and grandparents are dead, you have to spend Christmas alone and you have nobody.”

Except you wouldn’t have Christmas alone, because you have a spouse and a child? And equally if you had siblings you might not get on - I will never spend Christmas with my sibling and that suits both of us. We’re polite acquaintances who will probably never speak again once our parents are no longer here.

Why don’t you have mum friends?

That explains the black and white thinking.

im autistic too.

is it you, your child or both?

the best advice I can give you is step back and let your dh manage his side.

let him and his sister drive the connections.

all the best.

A holiday costs hundreds of pounds. If you can afford a holiday you can afford a party. You just choose for your child never to have one

Also a party doesn't have to cost hundreds. For our small child we did a party in the woods recently (parents had to stay for supervision!) where we did a treasure hunt, games, and then gave everyone hot chocolate from a thermos to warm up afterwards (Easter time so cool outside). Had some sausage rolls for snacks (afternoon party so between lunch and dinner time). Gave kids some birthday cake to take home with them. The kids loved it. Lots of different options for cheap parties if you don't mind doing something different. Picnic in park and play rounders/ball games a summer example.