To have nothing further to do with them?

OP you have this very rose tinted glasses idea about what family relationships should be. You cannot FORCE a relationship between cousins and insist that they are best buddies. It is perfectly normal for children to want school friends at their party not cousins who don't know the other guests.

Why would you be spending Christmas alone when you have a husband and child? Have you no friends to socialise with and spend time with?

I have 5 cousins, I last saw them at my dad's funeral 2 years ago and won't see them again until someone else dies. Despite being relatively close in ages we have absolutely nothing in common. You are being so unreasonable over this.

A small amount of food is the only extra expense. A party, on the other hand, costs hundreds of pounds

Hundreds of pounds? Only if you've got it to spend. I've never spent anything like that on my kids birthday parties.

Have you considered asking?

Bullshit. You must have the smallest car ever. Just cram in and be a bit uncomfortable.

I can't imagine a mother being happy to spend Boxing Day alone rather than squeeze into the back of a car. They probably think you dislike them too.

So what, are you suggesting that they just shouldn't visit because of OP's potential reaction?

Or that they should invite the cousin to the party even though this is unusual at this age and often ends up being quite awkward?

Are you still upstairs, stewing on this, 2 hours after you first posted? What do you think your child and their cousin are doing now? I would bet good money that they are having a great time together with the rest of the family. What will you tell your child when they ask where you were?

Not a great idea either, but i can't see how they can win here. Maybe they shouldn't have all met up today as it would inevitably come out about the party, but then how would that land.

OP I do understand how you feel, and why you feel that way. You sound like a people pleaser who has always tried hard to accommodate others and who really wants to be liked. Re the party, although I don't think it's unusual for children to only have school friends at parties, I do think the way they have gone about hiding it is not ok. They should have told you about the party and explained why DC wasn't invited. If they'd said they were having a party and unfortunately there's only enough places for their top few school friends, how would you have reacted?
Re not taking you up on visits, childcare and gatherings, it's really clear they are distancing themselves a bit. I'm sorry they are doing this and it must seem awful to you, especially if you feel as though you've tried really hard. All I can say is that perhaps you could reflect on your interactions with them and their DC. The only thing that is really obvious is they don't feel comfortable bringing up the reason with you. I think this is likely to be because they think you'll react badly. Could this be the case?

I think the best case scenario, logically, is for you to allow DC to continue spending time with them, but stop making the effort yourself and let DH deal with it all. This means you don't feel shunned / excluded / like you're trying to no avail, but your DC doesn't miss out on the benefits of their cousins and family if they do still enjoy their time together.

I really honestly do understand why you're feeling so hurt.

I do have experience of having to distance myself from a family member with ADHD. the only reason I've had to distance myself instead of bringing things up is because if I tried to bring things up it would always be met with anger, upset, defensiveness, dismissal as if it wasn't important, and I'd always then be the bad person for making them feel "stupid" or the good old "we're not all perfect like you". So the only way to protect my sanity while maintaining the relationship I desperately wanted to keep, was by holding them at arms length. It was a them problem, but they very much had no idea and couldn't be told or rationalised with, so talking or giving reasons always ended up with me having to apologise. I got sick of it.

If any of this resonates at all, please try and understand others perspectives. I know as an autistic person empathy and seeing different perspectives can be challenging - is this something you think could be the case?

I hope that whatever the outcome is, you find a way to resolve it. It sounds like you're genuinely very hurt, and despite being able to see a possible both sides I do think your family owe you an apology for lying about it - as this has now upset your DC when they have inevitably found out.

So instead they visit the OP knowing that the parties are inevitably going to be mentioned and OP’s child is going to be hurt. Nice.

Probably because they know how she'd react if they did.

Massive overreaction in my opinion. My kids always invited cousins to birthday parties until they went to school and then it changed to school friends only. That's very normal. All the rest about you inviting the child on holidays etc seems a bit much too.

I'm really surprised your DH goes along with this, at your expense. Has nobody ever said anything about the fact you're left out? I find this very odd.

Having two parties and then instructing their child to say nothing when they visit ? Yeah that’s gonna work. Of course they did something wrong. It’s perfectly obvious that OP was trying to facilitate a close relationship. If they didn’t want it why didn’t they just say ?

I agree - SIL /BIL should make the effort to come to you and/or PIL so you can all be together - I wouldn’t let them go and exclude you! How rude!

It is also rude of them to exclude your child from a party. You don’t do that to little kids!

As for only kids, we often had ‘onlys’ dumped on us on the holidays because ‘1 more doesn’t make a difference when you have 3’

Err yes it does, It s not the kid it’s the parent attitudes!

OP I think you need a clan discussion with your DH on this going forward.

This is way over the top. It doesn't need to be all-or-nothing, you know. You can't force close relationships.

Well if you're being excluded by mums and the kids get on, then it's you.

I was empathetic until you were all
"It's awful being an only child"
"They are the only family DC will have when we die"
"Neurotypical people don't like Neurodiverse people"

Nit being funny but

• they blank you in the WhatsApp group
• they have phased out Christmas visits
• they have collectively come up with the idea that PIL have to go with DH and DC to visit so - oh no - you can't visit

There are signs they don't like you.

Normally I'd say "gently" to try and get across that I'm not trying to be a nasty bitch but trying to help you see that they aren't excluding your son, they are excluding you, but apparently the mumsnet collective agreement on another thread is that is poor etiquette so hopefully they like this response better (even if it sounds ruder to OP IMO than I mean it to sound)

My DC and husband's sister DC are all girls and all four born within 3 years of each other. They have lived within a 30 minute journey all of their lives.

When they were little they weren't close. Me and husband's sister weren't close - no big issues, just very different people. DH and I both disliked her then husband (he was racist, homophobic and generally stupid).

It didn't matter that the parents weren't close. Those 4 cousins developed a bond that was nothing to do with us. They loved their grandparents and that transcended any parental bickering.

They are all late twenties/early thirties now. They love each other so much and have regular meet ups. Their closeness has had a positive impact on the older generation and we all see each other more now because of them.

All those posters saying it was entirely reasonable for the parties to be separate. If it was all above board why was the child instructed to say nothing ? And why go to OP’s knowing that it was inevitably going to be mentioned ?

It’s too far for SIL to pick them up. They live right next to us so the only way they can go to SIL’s house is if DH drives them.

So why doesn't SIL go to her parents instead of involving her brother?

id not be hiding upstairs

after their son said he couldn't talk about the party yesterday m- id have asked them why? why weren't you included and why was it secret?

I would love to here the SIL version of events because on the face of it you're being unreasonable and your tantrum today sounds embarrassing. It's completely acceptable to have separate parties, I don't think I went to any of my cousins birthday or vice versa. The hiding it doesn't look good but perhaps they knew what your reaction would be...
As to your own child's birthday, parties don't have to cost £££, sounds like a cop out. Some with boxing day, hire a car for a day or two if you can't all fit.

First part of your post, not unreasonable but then very unreasonable.

It is sad that there isn't more effort on your sister-in-laws side. I felt a bit like this with on of my relatives but their DC and our DC have a very close relationship despite infrequent visits when they were all little.

My DC love all their cousins, love seeing them, love spending time with them, but there is no expectation on either side that they would be going to each others birthday parties. They and I would see party invites more for school friends, or friends from their hobby, that is people that they are seeing on an almost daily basis. I certainly wouldn't be getting upset that mine weren't invited. I'd be interested and pleased that my nieces/ nephews had had a lovely time on their birthday. I'd not be making it all about my DC.

Your reaction is so extreme and unjustified that I'm not surprised that your SIL is holding you a little at arm's length.

I think I'm on the opposite side of a kind of similar relationship. DB and DSIL have 2 DDs and expect them and my DS to have a close relationship because he is their only cousin. DS has very little in common with them (he likes video games, they are a bit younger and like dolls) but DB and DSIL expect DS to want to be with their DDs and entertain them for days on end whenever we go to visit DP who live near DB and DSIL. Their DDs are a bit obsessed with seeing DS but the feeling is not mutual. I also have a strained relationship with DB as he used to mock my weight endlessly growing up. I am pretty certain DSIL is autistic. She is very difficult to be around because she will talk about her special interest a lot (I won't say what it is as it would be outing but it's incredibly dull) and is very intense even when I try to have a very casual conversation. She's frequently incredibly rude which I try and ignore it and blame it on the likely autism, but my DH is extremely uncomfortable seeing her given things that she has said.

I have tried explaining to DB and DSIL on a number of occasions as tactfully as I can that we don't mind seeing them a bit when we visit DP but they need to accept that DS doesn't really share any common interests with their DDs and so is polite but can't be expected to entertain them all day, every day when we visit DP. DSIL in particular still doesn't seem to be getting it, ignores boundaries and probably thinks that me and DH are trying to stifle the cousins' relationships.

Why I am saying this is that we only have your side of the story OP. It might be that the cousin doesn't really have as much interest in the friendship as you think she should but you are not picking up the signals, or there might be other reasons why it's all a bit too intense and best for everyone to take a bit of a step back.

As pp have said, they are cousins and parties at this age are normally just school friends. You need to explain this to your DD and manage your reaction.

This is all very ott!
My DD is the same age as her first cousin - when they were young both families facilitated a good friendship between them - they got on well and played w my younger DS too (only two school years apart). They even took DD on holiday etc or we went away together a couple of times. As adults we are v different but it’s Dh’s family and we both have tiny families so we have to good good relations.
i fantasised about the cousins growing up and continuing to be best friends (my first cousins and their DDs are like this), but this didn’t happen. They are now in their early 20s and couldn’t be more different and prob only see each other 2-3 X a year at family gatherings.
So what I’m trying to say is that you’re making a massive mountain out of a molehill. Just chill, let their relationship either thrive or die in their terms. The party thing is a red herring as it’s usually class parties at this age.

Do your SIL and BIL understand that though? Is it possible the reason they’re, in your view, pulling away from you is because they’re offended you never go to their house?