To have nothing further to do with them?

And if there was a limit on numbers I’d assume a family member would make the cut.

Why would you think that?

Your daughter is part of the family party.

Why isn't that enough?

OP I have a 7 year old. For starters, I wouldn’t want him going on holidays with his cousin’s family. I’m not especially over protective but he’s only 7.

My 7 year old has a birthday party with his class in school. It happens to be a joint party we do every year & we don’t invite kids not in the class. I have done a second party for neighbours etc and invited cousins the past couple of years. This year I explained to the cousins that I didn’t expect them to come to the second party as it was only watching a movie in our house and they’d have to travel a fair distance. They were fine with it.

Only one of the cousins (out of 2) could come last year and she was completely overwhelmed by the noise and all the kids she didn’t know.

They have come over with a cake and included your child and you are being extremebly rude.

You sound like you are protecting a sense of rejection onto this family. If I were you I’d apologise.

Many 7 year olds don't want to stay over, let alone go on holiday with another family. I'm not surprised that they said no to that. Re her party, usually at that age they just have class parties and don't tend to mix things up with family or outside friends. Why on earth would you completely cut them off. You have no idea also their reasons for saying no to some of the proposed plans. Perhaps there is other stuff going on in their lives that you do not know about. Why assume that they want nothing to do with you? Why not at least ask before deciding to break up a family? If you cut them off you will also drive a wedge between you and the pils and then your husband will be put in the middle.

As a grandparent we're delighted to have a cup of tea and a piece of cake with our grandchildren. The parties though, no thank you. They're noisy, manic events and not for us.

People can’t invite all family over to birthday parties because they usually want friends there at that age. Maybe they limited it to that.
We did it many a time and didn’t invite cousins etc else numbers get out of hand.
i wouldn’t be offended.

Most kids have 2 (or more) birthday parties, since when is it a big deal?

Imagine if every sister-in-law reacted that way, gosh you are exhausting.

Kids I know have: a "home party" with parents/ siblings and presents
a "family party" with .. family 😂, grand-parents, cousins etc..
and most of the time a "friend" party, of any kind - already mixing school friends/ club friends which is already a lot

Can you imagine SIL having a full on meltdown because she expected to be invited to all?

Ridiculous, But what is wrong is cutting all link and depriving your own child of his cousin. Maybe they're not close now, but they'll be cousins for life. Keep them in contact at family event, and that's how the relationship grows.

They don't have to love each other for now, it's not fair to impose kids you don't really like at any opportunity.

Bit cheeky to call not being invited to everything - when you don't throw a party yourself! so it's never reciprocated - when you are invited to a party anyway

You keep putting the emphasis on family but this year we were in a similar position and didn’t invite the family member. My child adores there cousin, have a great time when they see them etc but when they were given a limit of 10 friends, they didn’t chose them. It wasn’t a snub at the cousin, they wanted their school friends there. I also, rightly or wrongly, hid that we had, had a party because I would have been faced with the reaction that you’ve given, and I honestly didn’t want the hassle and have to explain myself. Maybe you make them anxious, this family member makes me anxious because they question everything I do, so i see them not as often as the kids would like but its for my own well being

OP you sound like a bitter vindictive and somewhat strange person.

Grow up and have an adult conversation with your in-laws. Tell them why your DC is upset and ask why they weren’t included.

I get that it’s upsetting (I would be upset too) but flouncing upstairs and blocking everyone makes you look ridiculous and is not modelling good behaviour to your DS.

Going ‘nuclear’ makes me wonder if there are other reasons they want distance. Sorry!

We have two DC. Lovely rapport with their cousins but never have we (nor they) had birthday parties with cousins invited. We have parties for school friends. Whole class parties till about year 1, then smaller. Cousins meet up for family gatherings. I just don’t understand why you’d expect party invites to a cousins party with their actual friends from school.

also your child is 7 and has never had a birthday party?

I have had cousins in am close too and others i wouldn't recognise if I saw them in the street .it would not occur to me to force a relationship between my kids and there cousins. Just because your related dosnt mean you have to be friends.

Read OP's first few posts and it exhausted me tbh. The drama, sulking going nuclear wta?
I couldn't be doing with a friend who acted this way and certainly wouldn't take it from anyone in the family.

@Pouticel I think you're right to be angry and support your DC. Not sure why MN crowd think you've over reacted - every parent is a mama or papa bear, so protect your DC how you like. F everyone else's opinion.

I can understand why you’re upset. But I think the way that you’ve reacted suggests to me that this is cutting a lot deeper than your child being rejected, and is triggering you and perhaps your loneliness from childhood? Or being rejected yourself as a child.

I’m saying this as rationally, it’s not just your son who isn’t seeing that part of the family, it’s your PIL too?

It’s really not fair you getting left out when they go to your SIL, and they should have been upfront and honest about the party.

You say family should come first, but I rarely find that’s the case. Sadly, family are often the ones who hurt us the most.

Where are you now OP? Are you still upstairs. My advice would be to stay put and try and bring yourself back to a regulated state. What comforts you? You could try writing it all into a note on your phone then deleting? Punching a pillow? Hugging a pillow? Some people find cold water run on the wrists helps.

Then go back down when you’re calmer. You need to have a chat with your husband about how all of this is making you feel. And next time they all bugger off to your SIL and leave you alone, make sure you’ve got something extra special planned for the day.

@Pouticel I once lied to my flatmate about going on holiday with a friend - it was awful of me to lie but I did so because I didn’t want to have to deal with the fallout from her of my decision. It was incredibly toxic and the relationship broke down a year or so later
and that is why they have lied and pulled away because it is too much because they wanted to have a party in a hall for school friends and as I said it is very difficult for a 7 year old to manage different groups by that age separate parties or just a school based one is common it was only this year for her 16th she had all of her friends together

My boys are having two birthday parties. One with school friends and the other with extended family and friends. They also have only one first cousin - who they absolutely love - who will be going to the party for family.

My two best friends' children won't be coming to the party for school friends because my boys don't really play with their children. So we celebrate outside of that. They know and don't mind (they do the same with my kids). I think 7 is the age when children will want their own friends (mainly from school) rather than cousins or children of parents' friends.

It’s really not! My kids have about 14 cousins. None were invited the last birthday party. They love seeing each other, but they’re just not that close when we’re apart.

Mainly because they are kids!

I think you are missing the point of parties when your kids are school age. The parties are for kids and their friends from their class. Once they get to the age of doing these we don’t invite cousins or family friends as there are friendship groups in play that can mean school or family kids are left out. We also don’t invite any other family (unless they are helping). A class party is just that, for class friends. We once mixed it with our eldest and our kid was being expected to open presents from grandparents and spend time with them when their friends were playing and having fun. Most people I know now don’t mix groups for parties at all now. Ours have a tea party for siblings and cousins and family and a class or school friend party separate. This was not the hill to die on…….sorry ……

My kids have a family party and a friends party, sounds like that’s what has happened here but you are avoiding them all!

If it’s a 2 door car the mobility limited adult isn’t getting in the back as well.

I’m not sure I’d be able to fit 4 adults if 2 were fatties in my hatchback along with a car seat.

What would be better is for the OP’s DH to drive his parents in their car and for her to drive her DD.

Did you go down and see them before they left?

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest.
Their actions are mean spirited and hurtful.
It says a lot about them.
No wonder you’re upset for your DC.
The expression ‘let them’
comes to mind as in let them act badly but don’t facilitate family visits any more. They can collect and drop off pils, you’ve done more than your fair share.
There’s no need for any conversation. Let them sort it.
It’ll be very freeing and you’ll feel better for not having to be around them.