To have nothing further to do with them?

I honestly think you have a bit of a DH problem, with him leaving you alone on Boxing Day. That seems mean.

I’m not shocked at the cold hearted responses on here, unfortunately. Her reaction wasn’t great but I absolutely understand the hurt she feels for herself and her child.

Me too. I feel for you op. Sorry you are getting so much criticism here

They stopped coming for Christmas Day with us and PIL a few years ago anyway. Don’t know why.

But then you later said that they host BIL's parents who are unable to travel to you.

So that is surely why they no longer come for Christmas Day & why your husband takes his parents there on Boxing Day?

OP, this is a complete overreaction. It's normal to invite friends rather than cousins to a birthday party at that age - but even if it wasn't, your reaction wouldn't be healthy. If your child isn't invited to a party, you need to show them how to handle the disappointment. Instead, you've whipped up a frenzy. I doubt this is the first time your in-laws have been on the receiving end of your toxic behaviour, and that's probably why they've distanced themselves.

I actually don't think it is if they don't want anything to do with her. Why should she take their child in?

Poor DH for what? How’s he suffering in this situation?

Are you taking on board what people are saying to you? Is it making you see the situation any differently?

As a neurodivergent, I can see both sides of the story here.

It's really strange (and rude!) that they have not seen your child for 6 months when there has been ample opportunity. And also really strange that they asked the child to keep the class party a secret instead of explaining they are having a class party with local friends, and a family party with family who live far away. I bet if you had seen them regularly, then it wouldn't seem like you had been snubbed, and the reason would be more understandable.

However, it can also be a bit weird to have cousins at class parties when they don't know anyone else there as the dynamics can change, so it's not unusual for extended family to not be invited. Also, having to worry about lots of energetic children around elderly grandparents must be a worry.

Focus on the things you can control. (Get a bigger car?) Look up Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Read the book Let Them by Mel Robbins. Let your husband deal with them from now on.

💐

Yes, the husband should be having the conversations, if any should happen, not the OP.

You should speak to him, OP, they are his family to liaise with, or not.

I believe that the rejection and exclusion that you have felt in your life is coming out now on behalf of your daughter OP. That’s what bullying and exclusion does - it leaves an imprint. So I can totally understand why you would go nuclear. This hits somewhere deep within you and anyone who has been bullied will understand that.

There comes a point though where you have to put your own stuff aside and do what’s best for your child. It sounds as though she loves her cousin and, while hurt about the party, will still be seeing her at family gatherings. I don’t think going no contact is the solution here. Really your husband should talk to them and find out what is going on, they are his relations and there is clearly a reason. Maybe one of the girls said something to the other or they had a falling out. I would get him to try and find out what is happening, and why.

So this way they get to totally avoid you. It sounds like it’s really you they don’t like and are avoiding OP. And your son is being excluded as a result. It’s hard to have a relationship with a child if you don’t like the parents (you yourself are now doing this to your nephew because you no longer like his parents even tho it wasn’t his choice to not have your son at his party). So surely now you see the issue is between the adults.
and why the fuck would your SIL not be allowed to come to her own parents house for a small tea party for their grandchild? Really? I’d be fuming at you if I was them and can see why they don’t like you :/

But they probably have an active social life with friends, you need to work towards that for your family, not to rely on them, it's clear that they don't want it.

Why can't their daughter (or her H) pick them up? Not your H have to take them all the time to his sister's house. They could sort it I am sure if they wanted to. They could pick them up, they could stay over, and their daughter could drop them home the day after.

Your H seems like he is happy to accept you and your child being excluded and a bit of a wimp tbh

I can’t quite believe how many people are going on about the car/lifts.

OP I completely understand why you feel how you do. It sounds like you have been very unwell recently and family backing off at that time would be even more hurtful.

I don’t get their behaviour either and I don’t think it is your fault.

I get that feeling of rejection and not understanding what you have done. But I think the people saying match their energy are right. This would be a good thing to start with.

It is hard to find your people when you are ND. You can go all out and be friendly, extend invites etc, and still find people aren’t bothered and don’t return the effort.

Focus on giving your daughter a nice life, maybe join her up to some clubs and be kind to yourself

@Pouticel You haven’t answered whether your perspective on how close the cousins ‘should’ be is one that’s been discussed out loud between the adults or just one that you’ve created in your mind? I don’t mean this unkindly. I just know as a fellow autistic person I do this a lot and can feel angry when others don’t follow the ‘plan’ I created in my head. I also struggle to separate my own childhood experiences from those of my ND child so it can feel like a double rejection IYSWIM. You can feel hurt and rejected but that doesn’t mean your SIL and BIL have done anything wrong.

you are being hugely over the top, immature and self-centred. Please act like an adult and speak to them politely and do not badmouth them or the situation in front of your DC. You’ve said that your DC and their cousins hadn’t seen each other in 6 months - that being the case, why WOULD the cousins invite your DC to their party with their friends? The child whose birthday it was would then feel obliged to spend time at the party with your DC rather than their close friends who they see all the time at school?

I am an only child with divorced parents so I understand the concerns you have but you have to focus on your child learning to love themselves and their own company first and foremost and then focus on making friends with people who want to be with them. You should focus on ensuring they are going to play dates and parties with kids from their class, rather than chasing a relationship with people who live nearly an hour away from you.

You sound very hurt and are lashing out. Please be careful you don’t burn your bridges.

It sounds like your expectations are different. It’s quite normal to just invite school friends at that age and older it’s not necessarily a rejection. It’s not the norm to invite family to birthday parties beyond the toddler years. And ironically the more you want and push for a relationship the more people pull away.

Because she isnt an organic friend, she is a relative who it's very likely have been slightly pushed together by parents. Whereas children shes met and formed relationships with through school or social clubs will be more natural and easy. I grew up everyday with my cousins as my granny minded us but as we got older we met new friends and drifted apart, that's normal. They're my cousins, they are family, I care for them and see them occasionally but they are not my friends. Why are you forcing this so much? You are clearly projecting your own insecurities on your daughter.

I can see both sides here. You cannot force relationships and kindly op you sound intense and your reaction suggests you are quite highly strung. Family invites to parties naturally decrease when you live further away and the children start school. My child's cousins still come to the parties but only as they are a sibling group of 3 so go and play together rather than feeling left out if my child is playing more with school friends they see daily

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