To have nothing further to do with them?

You'd be surprised, both my parents and DP's seem to think the trains and roads only run one way!

If the cousin has had a party with his school friends, it makes sense that your DC wasn't invited. I prefer party guests (children) to all know each other, so that nobody feels left out or awkward at a party.

Probably best not to create too much animosity which could blow up and completely destroy the family relationship for your DS. I would tell your SIL that you were just trying to comfort your DS and didn't mean to ignore them. But let them make the moves from now on with regards to meeting up.

At the end of the day we can't force people, even if they are family. I know this first hand, and now will not put myself out or offer invites to those family members who show very little interest in me, DH and DC. Your DS will be fine and grow up to have his own family and close friends hopefully, cousin or no cousin.

My advice would be to take the hint and just keep away from them. Just let it go, stop wasting energy on it. If your kid want to be friends with their kid as adults then they’ll find one another. If not, they won’t. Lots of people love being only children. Don’t let your feelings about being an only child become their feelings too.

Is this perhaps nothing to do with your DC, and instead they're a casualty of an issue between adults in the family? How do your DH and his sister get on? And BIL/PIL?

You have fear your child will be left alone into he world without siblings. This is causing you to over focus on their cousin. The SiL doesn't think the way you do. Have nother child or let it go and accept you want more than they are able to give. A cousin doesn't compensate or replace a sibling.

Have you and your husband ever offered to visit them without your in laws?

Have you asked them why they are discouraging/ preventing the cousins friendship? There may be a misunderstanding somewhere along the line and they’ve perhaps not felt abke to sir their concerns with you? I would really want to know their reasons.

How come it’s too far for SIL to go to them but it’s not to far for your Dh to go? Isn’t the road the same length both ways?

But I didn't know it was a 45 minute trip? Or that they'd need to take multiple buses? But it's still their problem to get themselves to visit their other grandchild, not yours...

I am sorry OP but you are being way too intense about this. I understand your concern as I also have an only child but you are putting too much pressure on your relationship with them. They have backed off for a reason. Let them take the lead now and if they don't bother very much, so be it. You need to revaluate how much headspace you are giving this for your own mental health. I am sure your daughter will have friends and family of her own one day, try not to worry.

I would say stop making everything about your child. That would turn me off straight away. I imagine that their DC had a party with limited space and wanted to invite his whole class or friendship group which meant there wasn't room for your chid. Obviously if they suspected that this would wind you up so much that months later, given the chance to see your DCs interact again, you would rather post on Mumnet than watch your kids enjoy each other's company, not telling you about it was a sensible idea.

Not a defence of them, but possibly a reason:

• They wanted an active, noisy, light-hearted birthday party
• Two very elderly and mobility challenged people
• Two people with ASD

That is not what the vast majority of people are saying to you. Can you not see that they do not owe you this idyllic relationship you have created in your own mind?

You sound unbearable. Why are you even questioning why they came around to have cake with the PILs- and you seemed to have been invited to the family version of the celebration so why are you so angry? Sounds like you have taken this personally and projecting this onto your child. Poor child.

Hi OP, I’m really sorry they’ve hurt your feelings. Taking the emotion out of it for a second, if they were hosting a class party with limited numbers, is it not better to have a separate family party, so then the whole class can attend, rather than the whole class minus one child, to free up space for a cousin who won’t know anyone there?

My own DM didn’t have much of a family growing up and as a result she has been very territorial about her own family. Your replies remind me so much of how she has handled situations in the past. The impact? Only one of my siblings lives near her and she didn’t speak to her only living relative for over 20 years, because he wasn’t making enough effort. I’m not saying this to be critical, but to help you play the tape forward so you can see how one “blow up” can have serious consequences.

@Pouticel or they could care about all of you but just not as intensely as you would like them to.

I love my nieces and nephews. We live about 90 mins apart and see each about 4 times a year. If my SIL put all your angst and pressure on our DCs and me, I would dread our family meetings

So, you don’t think your unreasonable at all then?

DD has a sister with 2 DC who we see around once or twice a year, my DBro has 3 DC and we se them a couple of times a year. My parents are dead and we see DH's Mum every few months SO its mostly just been the 4 of us and we have been very happy and had (still do) some great times.
Some people have bigger families and thats fine but if you don't its also fine, you can't force these thing so maybe accept that your family is mostly just 3 of you and get on with enjoying yourselves

YABU and completely overreacting. It’s normal for children to want their school friends at their birthday party, rather than a cousin who probably none of the other children will know. It’s nothing to do with her "not being good enough".

Your DD and her cousin will always be related, but you can’t force a relationship
on them. If your in-laws don’t want to do anything to specially foster that relationship, there’s nothing you can do about it.

You have a dream of 'close cousins', but it’s your dream, not theirs. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing; when the girls are older they can organise their own get-togethers if they want to. Please don’t deliberately sabotage any chance of that.

It does sound, though, as if your DH needs to have a serious talk with his sister about why she doesn’t phone or visit her parents more often.

so..... no.

But not inviting cousins to bday parties is normal so why are you making such a big deal of this?
In my last post I asked why you think your child shouldve been invited over an actual friend when they obviously arent close?

Hopefully the girls might have more opportunities to have a friendship when they are older and the cousins parents are less influential?

Well let them be then, and make some friends of your own. Don't give them space in your head. They owe you absolutely nothing, but equally that goes both ways

So YOU want a close relationship between the cousins.

You are completely projecting your views on everyone and just assuming that everyone thinks the same as you.......... THEY DO NOT!

From this thread you must concede that:
Having a 'class' only party is normal

Having a 'family' only party is normal

Your DH / PIL needs to think of a better transportation so you can all be included

You need to put less emphasis on this cousin relationship as it is clearly not reciprocated by the other party