To have nothing further to do with them?

@Pouticel You're clearly very hurt and upset, they don’t sound particularly kind people, not towards their own parents nor towards your DD.

Having said that, I’m an only child and had five cousins growing up. I never attended any of their birthday parties and they didn’t come to mine-we always invited our friends. Now that we’re older, however, we’ve become closer and do meet up when we can. We were all invited to one cousin’s milestone birthday this summer, for example (I couldn’t attend unfortunately but nice to be asked).

So it’s possible that your DD and her cousin will form their own bond in a few years without parental involvement.

In your shoes, I’d stop inviting them over for now and concentrate on your DH, DD, and your in-laws. Sometimes we have to accept that others don’t care about us and move on. I’m fond of my DH’s parents and siblings and we get on well when we’re together, but I let DH drive the relationships. If he/they organize a get together, fine, but I never take the lead. Ultimately, I love my children and my side of the family; I’m fond of his side and vice versa, but I don’t love them, iyswim.

This. All this.

This is also my experience.

I wouldn’t invite kids not in the class to the school party where they won’t know the other kids. That wouldn’t be fun for them.

Have you felt rejected by people in the past? That might be effecting how you feel about this situation (understandably.) If you can separate the old hurt from this situation, is there a way to not go nuclear so that you can still have a relationship?
Albeit one that’s not as frequent as you would like. And try not to see that as ‘crumbs’ or a rejection, but just the level they choose to socialise.

Invite kids from the school class. If you never invite you don't get invitations back. Thats how it works. There will be parties, playdates etc going on that your kid could be going to if you just made a bit of effort and stopped thinking the world owes you and your kid friends. It doesn't. You have to work a bit at it.

You're not telling me that your kid doesn't speak to anyone at school, as I'm not buying that. Self pity gets you nowhere but deeper into the hole you are digging for yourself.

Why would you think youd have a sisterly relationship with your SIL?

Also why are you so fixated on family being everything and friends being so unimportant. For many people friends are family they have made or chosen for themselves and enjoy and love them for who they are. Family on the other hand are nothing more than random humans with a genetic link, it doesnt mean you get on with them, trust them, love them or owe them anything. You have very unusual views that because someone shares a link through blood or marriage that they are much more important than a friend (ie someone who you've built an actual mutually beneficial, fun, loving relationship with.)

Well frankly I’d expect your husband to take you when he goes, especially over the Christmas period, and especially with the DC. He can always take his parents another time.

Or no one could go that particular day.

OP - I think a lot of people can see why this couple have distanced themselves from you.

i would suggest you look into counselling to allow you to overcome the hear feelings, and understand where they came from.

it is important that you model reliance and boundaries m for your child. You are not healing with this in an emotionally mature way.

OP, she’s not your sister. She is DH’s sister which is an entirely different thing. You are overly romanticising that relationship & putting enormous pressure on it.

You seem to have a huge amount of rejection sensitivity which I’m sure you know is common when you are ND. My advice would be to work on it and past events you have felt as rejection rather than dumping all of that emotion of DH’s family and hyper focusing on a 7 year old who likely just had a party with their school friends which in my experience is what most kids do anyways.

If you held some parties for your child, they might have friends and not need the cousin. As said, it can be done cheaply at that age. You need to encourage your child to be less insular as it clearly isn't making you happy.

They've been doing this for hours now. I'm amazed that they haven't given themselves a migraine.

Honestly you have really overreacted here, sorry but your response is not normal. I used to have family and cousins at DS birthdays when he was little, but once he reached school age it’s really just school friends, no family. We often just have a small family gathering on another day.
I can also tell you I have never been to a school friends party which has family attending, it’s literally school friends. It’s the norm. Your niece is that age now.

I can understand why you feel so upset, I really can. I think though it’s worth remembering that before long the cousins will be able to decide for themselves when to meet and control their own relationship. So I would probably try not think of it too much as being about you or them, and keep possibilities open for the future.

I think your reaction sounds extreme and unhelpful but I do sympathise, and I know it can be hard. I am glad you are recovering, it must have been a really difficult time and it would have been nice if they’d been more supportive. I am sorry they aren’t and I hope the cousins will build their own relationship in the future.

I was surprised to hear they only live 45 mins drive away, I mean many people do further than that daily to school or work. Most people probably for work. It sounds like there is no easy public transport route though if a short drive is going to take 2-3 hours. Also I wonder about taxi cost, because I would have though a mini cab booked in advance wouldn’t be quite that much, but it’s all by the by I guess.

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So it’s not just your ILs that exclude you, but others too?

Given the OTT reaction you describe to the party exclusion (which as many others have said, is perfectly normal for a cousin by age 7), and your follow up comments, I think I can see why people might not choose to be friendly with you, and even go out of their way to distance themselves.

Hang on a sec, how can you say that you/your DC don't have any family in one breath and that you see your parents regularly in the next?

Given you feel this way, YABU to cut your child off from their cousin over a party. You’re making it about you, not them, and cutting off a relationship that is currently strong. Yes maybe the parents were thoughtless, but don’t remove your child from this relationship!

She isn't your sister though is she? She didn't choose you or to have a relationship with you, your husband did. Likewise your niece and dc haven't chosen each other, they have sort of been thrown together. It works for you and dc but not for your ILs and niece and actually that's okay. Your dc maybe an only child but that does not mean that she is doomed to a life of loneliness. Focus on building friendships and relationships beyond your family and help your dc to do the same. Kids at that age want their friends to go to their parties, and given your reaction its understandable that they kept it a secret. You sound intense, you have rigid ideas about family and what they should do/feel, you have decided that this cousin should be an ideal friend for your dc and perhaps because of the ND, can't seem to understand that they might not feel the same way. If your dc is ND too, perhaps she struggles with friendships and that's really sad, but you would be more useful to her to helping her to develop friendships and resilience.

Well they don't expect a grown adult to stomp off in a huff and hide upstairs. Just to play nice like we all do at times when we're not feeling it.

Kids don't care who knows each other and who dosent
It's only adults that have these hang ups.
The parent should ask the child who they want to their parties, not make the decision for them.

The OP has honorable intentions by asking the cousin to sleep over and go away together.
That is how bonds are formed.
The parents are blocking a cousin relationship being formed.

I would deffo mention about the party they weren't supposed to mention
How unkind.
Who does that and then expects to go over for tea and cake and everything be hunky dory?

I read this as your biological family.

So actually you meant your SiL and BiL, apologies for misunderstanding. They aren't your family though, so it was easy to misread that as you having cut off your own family.

Now was a typo for own. I missed the editing time slot.

FFS @Pouticel you really need to stop judging everyone to your unachievable standards.

Every family is different.
You are focusing on aspects you have no control over.

I don't see my family for months on end because we live 4 hours away. I still love them lots

I think your BIL/SIL are acting entirely normally for a busy family who both work full time and value their spare time. Your DH and PIL needs to encourage them to travel to your area.

Not all in laws are close, in fact I would say most aren’t from what I’ve seen in my own family, we just tolerate each other