Page 13 | To have nothing further to do with them?

Pouticel · 2025-09-21T14:09:49+00:00

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family. Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart. We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no. Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL. Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited. Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today? So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them. AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

murasaki · 21/09/2025 23:02

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:59

I do my best. Not very successfully. I’ve never managed to create friendships for myself so it’s really hard to do it for my child. I accept when rejection comes from others because I’ve had a lifetime of it. I didn’t expect it from family though. They’re supposed to love us - or at least love their niece - and they clearly don’t.

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They aren't supposed to, at least not the sister. She didn't choose you.

Does your kid have friends, classmates she mentions more than others? Maybe invite one of them to tea after school as a start? It's worth a try she deserves a chance.

Lougle · 21/09/2025 23:00

IShouldNotCoco · 21/09/2025 22:54

Not a helpful thread overall.

Loads of people telling an autistic person to ‘grow up and communicate’ or scolding her for ‘all or nothing’ thinking.

So you don’t understand the limitations an autistic person has (or don’t care).

Some of us will be autistic ourselves. But we have to find ways of recognising when we have let our sense of rejection overpower our rational thought processes and develop coping strategies.

I have 3 children with ASD. I spend my whole life helping them to navigate these situations - it's their only hope of surviving society.

ClarasSisters · 21/09/2025 23:00

IShouldNotCoco · 21/09/2025 22:54

Not a helpful thread overall.

Loads of people telling an autistic person to ‘grow up and communicate’ or scolding her for ‘all or nothing’ thinking.

So you don’t understand the limitations an autistic person has (or don’t care).

Or are also neurodivergent and think she's just.... wrong?

Original poster

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:59

murasaki · 21/09/2025 22:56

But are you trying to facilitate friendships with other children besides the cousin? You haven't answered that.

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I do my best. Not very successfully. I’ve never managed to create friendships for myself so it’s really hard to do it for my child. I accept when rejection comes from others because I’ve had a lifetime of it. I didn’t expect it from family though. They’re supposed to love us - or at least love their niece - and they clearly don’t.

OP posts:

Threewordname · 21/09/2025 22:58

IShouldNotCoco · 21/09/2025 22:54

Not a helpful thread overall.

Loads of people telling an autistic person to ‘grow up and communicate’ or scolding her for ‘all or nothing’ thinking.

So you don’t understand the limitations an autistic person has (or don’t care).

Do you really think it would be more helpful for everyone to tell her that her reaction is perfectly normal and in the best interests of her husband and daughter, then?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/09/2025 22:58

IShouldNotCoco · 21/09/2025 22:54

Not a helpful thread overall.

Loads of people telling an autistic person to ‘grow up and communicate’ or scolding her for ‘all or nothing’ thinking.

So you don’t understand the limitations an autistic person has (or don’t care).

This!

OP I think you’re right to stop chasing after a relationship with them. Don’t waste your precious time and energy on people who clearly can’t be bothered.

Lougle · 21/09/2025 22:57

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:54

Oh no, they came to my home. Ate my food and enjoyed my hospitality. Until I found out they’d had a secret party that they’d hidden from PIL and us and DC. And DC got upset about not being invited like every other year, which was very hurtful for me to see. So I said to DH I can’t look them in the face and be civil because they’ve upset my child and they clearly don’t give a shit about us, I’m going upstairs out of their way and I’m done with them.

And it’s not unreasonable or weird in any way to make an effort to facilitate friendships for your child. Or to support the friendship by offering play dates etc. What is weird is to constantly refuse to let your child play with their cousin for no apparent reason.

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But the rational response would be to say to your child 'Sometimes there isn't enough space for everyone and Isobel had a friend party this time. This is our special family party.' Instead, you left your child to get on with it and your DH to make polite conversation.

I suspect that if you weren't so intense about it all, nobody would have felt the need to have hidden anything.

murasaki · 21/09/2025 22:56

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:54

Oh no, they came to my home. Ate my food and enjoyed my hospitality. Until I found out they’d had a secret party that they’d hidden from PIL and us and DC. And DC got upset about not being invited like every other year, which was very hurtful for me to see. So I said to DH I can’t look them in the face and be civil because they’ve upset my child and they clearly don’t give a shit about us, I’m going upstairs out of their way and I’m done with them.

And it’s not unreasonable or weird in any way to make an effort to facilitate friendships for your child. Or to support the friendship by offering play dates etc. What is weird is to constantly refuse to let your child play with their cousin for no apparent reason.

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But are you trying to facilitate friendships with other children besides the cousin? You haven't answered that.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 21/09/2025 22:55

murasaki · 21/09/2025 22:47

Or passive aggressive.

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Exactly.
I think the mass deleting probably feels incredibly dramatic and fuck you-ish to the people involved but if they're anything like me then they won't even have noticed. Or be bothered.

IShouldNotCoco · 21/09/2025 22:54

Not a helpful thread overall.

Loads of people telling an autistic person to ‘grow up and communicate’ or scolding her for ‘all or nothing’ thinking.

So you don’t understand the limitations an autistic person has (or don’t care).

Original poster

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:54

Bababear987 · 21/09/2025 22:44

But you're sitting upstairs in a huff whilst they're all enjoying cake together at your PILs? And you've deleted them of social media?
Instead of the alternative which is accepting what they've done re childs party is normal and stop expecting so much from anyone who might come under the title 'family.'
From your SILs POV her brother has married someone who is emotionally unstable with a weird fascination about her child and who invents relationships in her head.

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Oh no, they came to my home. Ate my food and enjoyed my hospitality. Until I found out they’d had a secret party that they’d hidden from PIL and us and DC. And DC got upset about not being invited like every other year, which was very hurtful for me to see. So I said to DH I can’t look them in the face and be civil because they’ve upset my child and they clearly don’t give a shit about us, I’m going upstairs out of their way and I’m done with them.

And it’s not unreasonable or weird in any way to make an effort to facilitate friendships for your child. Or to support the friendship by offering play dates etc. What is weird is to constantly refuse to let your child play with their cousin for no apparent reason.

OP posts:

Jellyheadbang · 21/09/2025 22:53

I have read your updates where you say you’re neurodivergent.
I think that you are right inasmuch as often neurotypicals don’t understand or even want to understand how an autistic brain works , and just find it strange and weird and often back off.
but equally you also need to understand how your neurodivergent brain works and how much this might be impacting your response to their repeated rejection of your advances.
i suggest reading as much as you can about rejection sensitivity dysphoria and consider counselling/ therapy with someone who is experienced in working with neurodivergent people.

BruFord · 21/09/2025 22:48

@Pouticel You are more thoughtful than your SIL but you can’t change her, I’m afraid.
Just let it go and stop trying with them, you’ll feel so much better. 💐

@murasaki I don’t think it’s passive aggressive to make it easier for two elderly unwell people to visit their Dd and family on Boxing Day. Wouldn’t you do the same if there was limited car space?

Tbh, I’d enjoy being home alone with lots of yummy Christmas food. 😋

murasaki · 21/09/2025 22:47

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:45

He isn’t awful. It was my idea for him to take his mum to his sister’s house instead of me. We can’t both fit in the car and it means more to her. It’s called being kind.

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Or passive aggressive.

Original poster

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:45

BuckChuckets · 21/09/2025 22:41

Your husband's family (him included) also sounds awful, sorry

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He isn’t awful. It was my idea for him to take his mum to his sister’s house instead of me. We can’t both fit in the car and it means more to her. It’s called being kind.

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murasaki · 21/09/2025 22:45

I can only imagine the levels of eye rolling that went on when the OP went off in huff.

Op, the only person hurting here is you. Make some friends and move on.

Bababear987 · 21/09/2025 22:44

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:38

On the contrary, I haven’t kicked off at all. I haven’t screamed or shouted or confronted. I haven’t demanded to know why they don’t want to see us or invest in developing a cousin relationship. I’ve simply removed myself from people who clearly don’t give a shit about me or my DC. I’ve removed them online and removed them from my life, silently, without making a fuss. My boundary is that I won’t continue caring or investing if they aren’t going to reciprocate and couldn’t care less, and I feel that’s perfectly reasonable.

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But you're sitting upstairs in a huff whilst they're all enjoying cake together at your PILs? And you've deleted them of social media?
Instead of the alternative which is accepting what they've done re childs party is normal and stop expecting so much from anyone who might come under the title 'family.'
From your SILs POV her brother has married someone who is emotionally unstable with a weird fascination about her child and who invents relationships in her head.

Original poster

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:42

Jellyheadbang · 21/09/2025 22:39

It is perfectly reasonable when you say it like that but earlier you said you went nuclear.

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By nuclear I mean I’m not simping and playing nice, pretending everything is ok and sucking up the crumbs. I’ve just gone “Ok, you’ve made your decision - fuck you then”. And removed myself completely from their lives.

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BuckChuckets · 21/09/2025 22:41

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 21:59

Yes, my family is awful. Hence why I’ve gone no contact with them.

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Your husband's family (him included) also sounds awful, sorry

the7Vabo · 21/09/2025 22:40

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:38

On the contrary, I haven’t kicked off at all. I haven’t screamed or shouted or confronted. I haven’t demanded to know why they don’t want to see us or invest in developing a cousin relationship. I’ve simply removed myself from people who clearly don’t give a shit about me or my DC. I’ve removed them online and removed them from my life, silently, without making a fuss. My boundary is that I won’t continue caring or investing if they aren’t going to reciprocate and couldn’t care less, and I feel that’s perfectly reasonable.

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Deleting people online etc is making a fuss. It’s overly dramatic and completely unnecessary.

Jellyheadbang · 21/09/2025 22:39

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:38

On the contrary, I haven’t kicked off at all. I haven’t screamed or shouted or confronted. I haven’t demanded to know why they don’t want to see us or invest in developing a cousin relationship. I’ve simply removed myself from people who clearly don’t give a shit about me or my DC. I’ve removed them online and removed them from my life, silently, without making a fuss. My boundary is that I won’t continue caring or investing if they aren’t going to reciprocate and couldn’t care less, and I feel that’s perfectly reasonable.

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It is perfectly reasonable when you say it like that but earlier you said you went nuclear.

the7Vabo · 21/09/2025 22:39

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:32

I don’t think arranging parties magically makes friends materialise. In fact I think you need to already have the friends in order to invite them to the party?

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Why not just invite the class or invite the same gender in the class. Thats what we do in our school.

MonGrainDeSel · 21/09/2025 22:38

I think you are allowing your past experiences to feed into your child's current experiences and you should try not to.

I have an only child. She has two cousins on her dad's side who are a bit younger and she doesn't particularly like. She has no cousins on my side but does have five second cousins who she does like and the oldest few are close in age to her.

She has never invited any of them to her birthday parties and none of them have invited her to theirs. We see all the cousins and second cousins a couple of times a year (max two or three for each side of the family) at family things and DD occasionally goes for a bubble tea or a coffee with the one she likes best who lives close by. They are both at an age that this means no parents have to be involved in this.

I see my cousins now and again, once or twice a year, and that is normal.

I think your expectations are much too high and you should step back from this.

All the stuff about not being able to fit in the car is a bit strange but if you want to be included you need to go along to these things even if it does mean an uncomfortable car journey or using two cars.

murasaki · 21/09/2025 22:38

Bababear987 · 21/09/2025 22:34

Why would you think youd have a sisterly relationship with your SIL?

Also why are you so fixated on family being everything and friends being so unimportant. For many people friends are family they have made or chosen for themselves and enjoy and love them for who they are. Family on the other hand are nothing more than random humans with a genetic link, it doesnt mean you get on with them, trust them, love them or owe them anything. You have very unusual views that because someone shares a link through blood or marriage that they are much more important than a friend (ie someone who you've built an actual mutually beneficial, fun, loving relationship with.)

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Totally, going back to my post re hypothetically donating bone marrow to my sister who i don't like much right now, if I only had a limited amount, I'd rather give it to my best friend. Ideally both, but I'm afraid sis would be second on the list.

Original poster

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 22:38

Bellyblueboy · 21/09/2025 22:33

OP - I think a lot of people can see why this couple have distanced themselves from you.

i would suggest you look into counselling to allow you to overcome the hear feelings, and understand where they came from.

it is important that you model reliance and boundaries m for your child. You are not healing with this in an emotionally mature way.

On the contrary, I haven’t kicked off at all. I haven’t screamed or shouted or confronted. I haven’t demanded to know why they don’t want to see us or invest in developing a cousin relationship. I’ve simply removed myself from people who clearly don’t give a shit about me or my DC. I’ve removed them online and removed them from my life, silently, without making a fuss. My boundary is that I won’t continue caring or investing if they aren’t going to reciprocate and couldn’t care less, and I feel that’s perfectly reasonable.

OP posts: