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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have nothing further to do with them?

892 replies

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 15:09

I have one DC who only has one cousin (child of DH’s sister). I’ve always encouraged friendship on the basis that eventually they’ll be each other’s only family.

Both DC are 7. They love each other and are so excited when they get the chance to play together. But I’ve noticed over the past few years that SIL and BIL are increasingly not keen to facilitate any relationship. Visits are further and further apart.

We haven’t seen them for six months. I offered to have their DC to stay over the summer and they refused. I offered to take their DC on holiday with us and they refused. I invited them over for the day, suggested I could bring DC over to theirs for the day, but they always had an excuse. I offered to pick up and drop off their DC to make it easy for them but the answer was still no.

Their DC had a birthday last week. I thought it was odd that they weren’t having a party because they always do. They arranged to come over today with a birthday cake for a little tea party with PIL.

Anyway, their DC has upset my DC by talking about the fantastic birthday party yesterday. The party that they obviously hid from us and didn’t even mention to PIL in the family WhatsApp. Because they didn’t want us to know, because our DC wasn’t invited.

Understandably our DC has got quite upset at not being invited to their beloved cousin’s party this year. And I honestly don’t understand why. But this is just the latest in a long list, they clearly don’t want anything to do with us and I don’t understand why they’ve even come over today?

So I’ve gone nuclear. I refuse to have anything further to do with them. I went upstairs out of the way, I haven’t spoken to them since their DC announced this was their second party but they weren’t allowed to talk about the first party because it was a secret. I’ve left the family WhatsApp and blocked them on social media. I am just done with them.

AIBU to say I’m not having anything further to do with them, and neither is DC? If my DC isn’t good enough to be invited to the party yesterday then why have they come over today? I am so angry and upset. And DH is sitting downstairs having tea with them like everything is ok, because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss. Blaming me for going off on one. But it’s not me who has been nasty and excluded a child from a party.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pouticel · 22/09/2025 00:15

murasaki · 21/09/2025 23:59

Is your DH autistic as well? Just wondering as his input to this situation seems to be very passive.

You do need to put effort in to making friends. Do you speak to anyone st the school gate? Could you arrange a play date that way?

I have managed to arrange a play date with three girls.

The first girl came over once and invited DC back once. After that the mum made excuses and cut contact, I don’t know why. It broke my heart because DC was so thrilled to have a friend but I couldn’t keep her.

The second girl has come over a few times during the past year but never invited DC back. The parents are very much “drop and run”. There’s no effort from their side, if I don’t invite their DC then nothing happens. It has petered out a bit because it’s very one sided. I could invite her again and I’m sure her parents would drop her off but it’s 100% on me to facilitate the entire friendship.

The third girl has better parents, they’ve invited my DC in return and on a couple of occasions have stayed to chat politely for a few minutes. It’s not a close friendship, maybe once every couple of weeks, but it’s something. I’m constantly worried I’ll make a mistake and it’ll end.

I’m not good at this and it’s a constant struggle trying to navigate what you’re supposed to do. If I screw it up by being me then DC loses the friend.

OP posts:
SallyDraperGetInHere · 22/09/2025 00:14

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:57

Well you’re fortunate because there’s nobody who would step up for me or DH. When we got married we didn’t have a bridesmaid or best man because we had nobody to ask. And even our own family apparently doesn’t want us.

Show quote history

This is catastrophing, and you are passing it on. You are projecting your own framework of friendship and trying to put a black/white set of rules on your DNiece/nephew’s birthday. You’ve made it a ‘that’s the last straw’ issue over a kid having a school friends party and a subsequent family party. I’m sorry that your own trusted circle is small, but it’s not unhealthy - quite the opposite - that your BIL/SIL are seeking to consolidate their own village of friends for their child.

NotToday1l · 22/09/2025 00:11

Namechangerage · 22/09/2025 00:03

I really hope you can learn something from this thread and change your behaviour OP.

Agree, but I don’t think she will unfortunately

NotToday1l · 22/09/2025 00:10

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:44

“there are going to be so many disappointments of various magnitudes for your DD as she grows up”
I just didn’t expect family to be the source of that disappointment. I accept that other people will sometimes reject her but I didn’t expect her family to reject her. They aren’t a very good family tbh. Who can you trust and rely on if not your own flesh and blood?

They have not rejected her they just don’t see her very often. They did come to your house to have a little celebration with her today!….. get over it

outerspacepotato · 22/09/2025 00:10

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:59

It wouldn’t be such a problem if they hadn’t constantly rejected every single invitation or attempt to facilitate the girls spending time together. This is just the last straw.

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Your requests were unreasonable.

You said you asked them for her to stay with you for the summer. Why would you think that's ok? Then you asked them for her to go on a holiday with you? Meanwhile, you haven't seen them for months.

They're saying no because you're overstepping in your requests, they're outside the norm. They understand you're trying to force a relationship between your child and theirs due to rigid and extreme ideals about family and that's not coming from a good place, but from a place of feeling rejection so hard that you act out and go "nuclear" when you're told no. Your expectations and reactions are extreme.

You're going to have to make an effort elsewhere. Clubs, activities, music, get your kid involved with something they enjoy.

AguNwaanyi · 22/09/2025 00:06

murasaki · 21/09/2025 16:16

I find it interesting that you feel happy to judge NT people but don't like it when it's done to ND people.

Mostly, people are ok. The OP has clearly contributed to the non relationship here, it's not all on the cousin's parents.

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You can’t be serious.

Namechangerage · 22/09/2025 00:03

I really hope you can learn something from this thread and change your behaviour OP.

myspareusername · 22/09/2025 00:02

Aghhhh

I give up @Pouticel

We are trying to help you see things from other perspectives but you are entrenched in your victim mentality.
It seems that you are doing far more harm to your DC than your SIL / BIL.

I hope one day you will be able to reflect on how you have reacted to this and pivot to a healthier and positive mindset

ddd232323 · 22/09/2025 00:02

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:53

Lucky you having a best friend. Not everyone has that. Not everyone gets chosen to be someone’s friend.

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I say this kindly, as a fellow diagnosed autistic person, but you don't get "chosen" to be someone's friend and it doesn't involve "luck". You have to work on friendships. And sometimes that involves challenging your own preconceptions of things etc I think your mindset is hurting you and your child 😔 I used to think like you when I was much younger. My autistic mother sounds very similiar to you, and she now has nobody left in her life who wants to know her 😔

Namechangerage · 22/09/2025 00:01

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:57

Well you’re fortunate because there’s nobody who would step up for me or DH. When we got married we didn’t have a bridesmaid or best man because we had nobody to ask. And even our own family apparently doesn’t want us.

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And there’s an issue - you’re putting so much pressure on the relationship with your in laws because you feel you haven’t got other support in your lives. It’s not their responsibility - they have their own lives and it sounds like they make what effort they can. You cutting them out will only harm your child here.

murasaki · 21/09/2025 23:59

Is your DH autistic as well? Just wondering as his input to this situation seems to be very passive.

You do need to put effort in to making friends. Do you speak to anyone st the school gate? Could you arrange a play date that way?

Original poster
Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:59

myspareusername · 21/09/2025 23:56

@Pouticel are you at least able to reframe &/ or acknowledge that having a class only party is normal and not rejecting your DC?

It wouldn’t be such a problem if they hadn’t constantly rejected every single invitation or attempt to facilitate the girls spending time together. This is just the last straw.

OP posts:
FateAmenableToChange · 21/09/2025 23:58

"Yes, my family is awful. Hence why I’ve gone no contact with them."
I can't tell if you have a relationship with your family or not?

I agree SIL actions have been unkind. Hard to know why, probably didn't suit them anymore, some people are more wedded to family than others. Better to take the high road in these situations, just don't bother anymore.

Difficult to know what to say to your daughter though. Id put that cousin energy into helping her make friends. The birthday/Christmas money for her cousin could help to too. Maybe have a little party, a tea party with just a few girls? Join clubs outside of school maybe. It's hard, making friends with other mums is easiest way. I have an autistic child and we struggled with friendships when he was little, but he's 18 now and has lots of friends. I had to help him when he was younger though.

Carandache18 · 21/09/2025 23:58

Who can you trust and rely on if not your own flesh and blood?

The person who had let your daughter down most of all is you. Your behaviour today. Your absolute refusal to compromise to social norms. Your way of putting yourself first and the rest of the world second.

Forget yourself. You are not the child here. Look after your daughter. Invite a friend around for her. Then invite two. Then plan a party. Then another.
Choke down self pity. Get on with being a parent. After you have a child, then you are no longer number one. You are the support act.

Original poster
Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:57

murasaki · 21/09/2025 23:53

I should point out that she's often disappointed by people she considers family, I've spent 20 years pointing out that a cousin really isn't that close necessarily, and her brother is a prick, but just roll my eyes and step up. Because she's my friend. And she would for me.

Well you’re fortunate because there’s nobody who would step up for me or DH. When we got married we didn’t have a bridesmaid or best man because we had nobody to ask. And even our own family apparently doesn’t want us.

OP posts:
TheNewWasp · 21/09/2025 23:56

Drop it already OP, stop being so utterly pigheaded. Your toxic behaviour is unbearable.

myspareusername · 21/09/2025 23:56

@Pouticel are you at least able to reframe &/ or acknowledge that having a class only party is normal and not rejecting your DC?

Namechangerage · 21/09/2025 23:55

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:53

Lucky you having a best friend. Not everyone has that. Not everyone gets chosen to be someone’s friend.

Show quote history

OP, you sound like you have a real victim mentality - maybe it’s rejection sensitivity skewing your feelings, or main character energy or whatever.

It takes work to make friends and maintain friendships. You don’t just get “chosen”.

murasaki · 21/09/2025 23:55

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:53

Lucky you having a best friend. Not everyone has that. Not everyone gets chosen to be someone’s friend.

Show quote history

Maybe, but I'm not sure from what you have said that you have tried and it is sad if that attitude is passing down to your daughter. I don't make many friends easily but the ones I do, stick.

murasaki · 21/09/2025 23:53

I should point out that she's often disappointed by people she considers family, I've spent 20 years pointing out that a cousin really isn't that close necessarily, and her brother is a prick, but just roll my eyes and step up. Because she's my friend. And she would for me.

Original poster
Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:53

murasaki · 21/09/2025 23:50

Friends that you choose and who choose you through shared values, sense of humour, commonality re hobbies, lifestyles, political views, love of cake, fear of clowns, anything.

Blood links mean nothing compared to things that really matter when the chips are down.

If I were in crisis, and DP wasn't available, I'd call my best friend. She'd then deal with my family if necessary, but she'd be my first call. We chose each other.

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Lucky you having a best friend. Not everyone has that. Not everyone gets chosen to be someone’s friend.

OP posts:
ninjahamster · 21/09/2025 23:53

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:51

People can do what they want. Just because lots of people do it doesn’t mean it’s nice.

Your kid has 35 cousins, fair enough they can’t be close with them all. My kid has 1 cousin, 1 aunt and uncle. Grandparents are extremely elderly and poor health so shortly that 1 cousin, aunt and uncle will be our only family, and they basically don’t want to know us. That essentially leaves us with zero family.

Show quote history

But they chose to visit today to celebrate with you? That doesn’t sound like a family rejecting you?

Namechangerage · 21/09/2025 23:52

It’s really not that deep to have a “friends” party and a family party for a 7 year old!! By that time they have cultivated friendships at school etc. inviting a cousin means that the birthday boy or girl has to kind of look out for the cousin who doesn’t know anyone. Having a friends party means that everyone knows each other and nobody gets left out.

We had big parties until they started school and then it started with the tradition of separating friends and family. My kids’ cousins do the same and so do we. Nobody gets offended - the birthday boy or girl gets two days of celebration!

You sound very precious and this attitude WILL affect your child negatively. How must they have felt with you storming upstairs? It’s childish and damaging.

myspareusername · 21/09/2025 23:51

Pouticel · 21/09/2025 23:44

“there are going to be so many disappointments of various magnitudes for your DD as she grows up”
I just didn’t expect family to be the source of that disappointment. I accept that other people will sometimes reject her but I didn’t expect her family to reject her. They aren’t a very good family tbh. Who can you trust and rely on if not your own flesh and blood?

They have not rejected her.

They had a class only party and then a family gathering on separate days.

You are interpreting it as a rejection and massively projecting your own insecurities onto your DC.

You need to stop this harmful cycle now

TheNewWasp · 21/09/2025 23:51

You come across as controlling, entitled, and desperate for drama. Your in-laws are probably keeping their distance because you smother every interaction with this kind of hysteria. If you keep carrying on like this, don’t be surprised when you isolate not only yourself but also your own child.
FFS, the only one destroying relationships here is you!!!

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