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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it emotional abuse?

42 replies

MellowTealMentor · 21/09/2025 14:53

I’ve been married for nearly 10 years and I’m starting to feel increasingly like he’s emotionally abusing me but I’m not sure and I don’t really know where to turn.

We have a 12 month old baby who is my absolute world. I run my own business and look after the home and our dog. I barely get any time to even sit for 5 minutes and relax as it’s non-stop. But my husband is just so controlling, argumentative and disrespectful that I’m finding myself crying most of the time and wondering how I’ve ended up with someone that treats me like this.

Some examples are: he redoes things I do, never says a positive thing or ‘well done’ to me on anything, has a go at me or mocks me if I don’t do something correctly or if I’m a bit slower at it than him. He calls me too sensitive but I never raise my voice at him and I am boiling over inside because I really want him to know I’m not putting up with it anymore but I feel I would ruin my baby’s life by breaking up our family.

I remember when he was babbling to our baby months ago and I joined in. “It’s not a 3 way conversation” he said. I then said “Oh sorry, I didn’t realise” and he replies abruptly with “you don’t need to look like you’ve been shot”.

He’s pulled me up on things like letting our baby’s ears get in the water by accident, not lifting one side of the towel up for him when I was about to dry the baby, not shutting the kitchen drawer properly. Honestly, it’s relentless and exhausting.

He once said to me: “Think about what you did and what you said.”

I really don’t know what to do. There is no quick fix and we have tried therapy but he puts on an ‘I’m so agreeable’ show that it’s so difficult to get anywhere. But I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m also terrified of being on my own and raising my baby.

And I’m sure it will be questioned why I had a child with this man…I love him. I always wanted a little family with him. He’s a great dad and he makes me laugh. We’ve had some great years together but I’m now scared to continue like this for the rest of my life :(

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 21/09/2025 15:35

Why do you love him? I wouldn't be laughing at anything if someone undermined me and acted so condescending. He treats you like a child.

It's bang out of order and he won't change. Well, he might get significantly worse.

I guess you could insist on couples therapy. But that behaviour of constant grinding me down would have me heading straight for the solicitor's office.

dizzydizzydizzy · 21/09/2025 15:31

It does sound like abuse. People in healthy relationships don't talk to each other like that. Have a chat with your GP or Women's Aid or both.

Alicealig · 21/09/2025 15:21

Sounds like you just want a good old whinge and maybe to sound off a little. I wouldn't make the mistake of going down the 'abuse' road. This could make victims of actual abuse less noticed.

ginasevern · 21/09/2025 15:18

OP, I also meant to say in my previous post that his comment of “Think about what you did and what you said.” is absolutely classic gaslighting and abuse. I know, I've been there. My DH used to say things like "I suppose it's OK now you've explained yourself" after I'd tried to excuse myself for the most insignificant/normal behaviour. In the end you will lose your dignity and probably best part of your sanity, as I did.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 21/09/2025 15:09

He’s vile and he’s not a great dad as he treats your baby’s mum like shit. Get rid.

ginasevern · 21/09/2025 15:07

Well yes, I do question why you had a baby with this insufferable cunt. But it's a bit late now. I don't know how you can say he's a great dad. A great dad doesn't talk to his child's mother as if she was a piece of shit beneath his shoe. And although he might make you laugh sometimes, I can't imagine his side splitting humour outweighs the humuliation he heaps on your head. Well, it obviously doesn't otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. You really can't let your child grow up to believe that their mother, and women in general, should be spoken to like this. This is not a "happy little family" environment. It is abuse and it won't get any better OP. Please don't waste years of your life hoping for change until you're too old to leave and your child is damaged.

FuzzyWolf · 21/09/2025 15:05

Your child will learn behaviours from him. Is that what you want?

Maray1967 · 21/09/2025 15:04

JLou08 · 21/09/2025 15:03

It's likely he will treat the child the same way he treats you as they get older. Don't stay with him for the baby, having both parents together isn't always for the best, sometimes it is much worse.
It does sound like emotional abuse, it doesn't even sound like he likes you. What a lovely family moment that could have been a baby and both parents babbling together but he has spoiled that. I imagine he will spoil many special occasions if you stay together.

Yes - that is absolutely right. He ruined what should have been a lovely moment, and which would have been for a normal couple.

JubilantGirl · 21/09/2025 15:04

JLou08 · 21/09/2025 15:03

It's likely he will treat the child the same way he treats you as they get older. Don't stay with him for the baby, having both parents together isn't always for the best, sometimes it is much worse.
It does sound like emotional abuse, it doesn't even sound like he likes you. What a lovely family moment that could have been a baby and both parents babbling together but he has spoiled that. I imagine he will spoil many special occasions if you stay together.

Agree with everything in this post

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/09/2025 15:03

Yes, constant low level criticism is a recognised form of emotional abuse, meant to destroy your confidence and feel like you have to try harder to please, it keeps you in a state of permanent low level anxiety. All kinda of abuse tend to increase in pregnancy or after childbirth.

Therapy won't work with an abuser. They won't stop it by themselves or change back into the person you think you remembered.

Also he isn't a good dad, if he is showing the baby that its OK for men to treat women like they're lesser. Who does he think he is to tell you off or decide what the 'right' way of doing something is.

You need to make plans to leave for your sake and the sake of your child. If you do it when they're still young they won't remember anything else

Maray1967 · 21/09/2025 15:03

And you are right to be scared to live like this, because it will destroy you.

So at the very least he needs a firm ultimatum and a recognition that you mean what you say. That probably means knowing you have consulted a lawyer.

JLou08 · 21/09/2025 15:03

It's likely he will treat the child the same way he treats you as they get older. Don't stay with him for the baby, having both parents together isn't always for the best, sometimes it is much worse.
It does sound like emotional abuse, it doesn't even sound like he likes you. What a lovely family moment that could have been a baby and both parents babbling together but he has spoiled that. I imagine he will spoil many special occasions if you stay together.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/09/2025 15:02

The common theme is that it sounds like he is criticising you constantly, and that’s what I’d put to him.

frankly I’d be giving him some of his own medicine, there’s too much milk in this tea so think about what you’re doing etc etc

and when he gets fucked off with that I’d be pointing out he’s not your boss and you’re not his.

Maray1967 · 21/09/2025 15:01

If my DH spoke to me like that our marriage would be over. That is absolutely disgusting.

At the first instance of this, mine would have ‘don’t you ever speak to me like that again or we’re done.’

JubilantGirl · 21/09/2025 14:59

Having had an ex partner like this - I would END it. You’ll be a great mum on your own - many have been in that situation and have coped ❤️

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 14:57

He sounds..,, ghastly

Fruitlips · 21/09/2025 14:56

So he was like this pre baby?