Is it emotional abuse?

How interesting, thanks for that little morsel of feedback!

According to many MNers everybody abuses their partner and receives abuse. In fact, anything we don't like that are partners do is abuse. He doesn't compliment me enough, ABUSE! I didn't like how he spoke to me, ABUSER! He tried to initiate sex when I was tired, FUCKIN SICK RAPIST! It's like waiting for the for the vulchers to come out I really do find the comedy value in seeing the things some of these unhinged women consider abuse in a long term relationship. You can tell they've never had one that's for sure....

From a poster who admits to reciprocal abuse with her partner so probably best ignored

OP he's not a good Dad in the slightest if he's treating the mother of his child the way he's treating you.

What kind of dick head comment is that

Then I find your post a little…. Peculiar

Yes, although I did state state that in the post I believe.

Unlikely. What the Op describes indicates a profoundly unpleasant individual. That doesn’t pop up with a change of circumstance. That would have been abundantly evident way before, but has no doubt snowballed since the baby was born because so many more trigger points

He was probably fine before baby was born. Now he thinks he has her trapped.

You can't stay with a man like that for the sake of your child, all you will end up doing is teaching your child that it's OK to treat their partner with no respect and be ungrateful (or vice versa) Children learn by example

Or he will turn the baby against you. You will end up with a teenager who has no respect for you.

OP, his personality is pretty miserable and unpleasant generally: he isn’t making you happy and you only get one life. I think some of his behaviour is appalling (“think about what you did / said” - who the fuck does he think he is?). Seems like he feels impatient / rude / grumpy most days but you are not his emotional punch bag to take his crappy moods out on. I think it’s time to speak up. I’d keep a record for two weeks of his comments, so you are firm in your mind about what he’s said in case he pretends you’ve imagined it all or are exaggerating. And then tell him that you are so unhappy with his treatment of you - detail it - that it no longer feels like a respectful, loving partnership and if it continues the relationship will end on the grounds of his totally unreasonable, domineering, endlessly griping behaviour.

Do you have children @Alicealig ?

I’m glad you and your DH love each other dearly. If you are both happy with your communication, then it’s not abuse.

The OP doesn’t sound happy witb the communication witb her DH. It sounds similar to how exDP communicated with me, which definitely was abuse and was definitely most unpleasant. Obviously I could be wrong because we don’t have that many details.

i don’t understand your comment and language and words. I don’t know what you mean.

Saying it because nobody ever does; perhaps he doesn’t want to be with you anymore and won’t leave for financial, cowardly or obligatory reasons. He can’t love and respect you or he wouldn’t keep putting you down. Please leave the arsehole. Your child will pick up on the micro aggressions/unhappiness. As painful as it is to start again, your child will be better for it.

It sounds very unpleasant. However, I would want more information to truly understand the dynamic. I feel like you are giving us part of the picture. None of theses things sound super severe on their own, without understanding more about context…. Eg: The ‘it’s not a three way conversation’ sounds really unpleasant….. but if it’s one instance- was this a really bad day/ is there a pattern he is experiencing maybe, of you not letting him relate on his own to the baby…. Ie you are always coming over and muscling in on his ‘moments’?

in terms of the criticism, it actually sounds like what quite often happens but with sexes reversed… the mum of a new baby being very particular and constantly correcting the dad, or redoing things her way when the dad has made an effort to do them… but just having different standards….. and I would want to know more about whether you are someone who is playing into that dynamic, by being a bit helpless, deferring to him, screwing up multiple times…. Often in that dynamic neither party are happy…. One is angry because they feel like they are the competent one with standards, and dealing with somebody who is a bit useless…. The other feels criticised and increasingly shut out/useless.

and yes saying’ think about what you did’ is very patronising…. But what did you do? It might be a phrase someone uses if a person is acting very irrationally or selfishly….. while of course, if it was in response to you dropping a cup or putting too much milk in his tea, that would be blatantly abusive.

so basically, yes this could well be abusive and he’s a total cunt….,, but I can also see how these things could happen if you guys were getting into a downwards spiral of tiredness, stress, irritation at each other, and if there were some reasonable grounds you are not telling us for him not trusting your competence? I’m not saying you deserve any of this- jobody deserves to be criticised and spoke. To unkindly. ….just that more information would be useful to understand the cause, the dynamic, and the potential solution.

It's really quite strange how language and words have little meaning on here.

So, I abuse my husband every day usually. There isn't a day goes by when I don't have to re-do something he's done or remind him about something he hasn't. I can't remember the last time I praised him either so that's abusive.

However he also abuses me everyday too, and yet somehow, we both love each other dearly and have the mutual respect to understand that our children come first, and that seeing us happy is what they need.

I certainly would never feel the need to seek help because I wasn't being noticed as much as I would like to be.

He sounds horrific and you sound terrified of him. "You look like you've been shot" says a lot. So sorry you are going through this. And, this is unquestionably emotional abusive. Please leave and protect yourself and your child.

If your baby is a boy he will grow up thinking this is how you treat women.

If your baby is a girl she’ll grow up thinking this is a normal way to be treated.

um yes that’s emotional abuse.

Yes @MellowTealMentor it is emotional abuse. You feel like you're going crazy because of the constant instability. The 'love' and laughter is part of cycle, the part that keeps you hanging on and not knowing which way is up. The part that gives you hope that it's all okay again for the short 'happy' time. But when he turns again you find yourself, again, trying to work out what you did wrong and what you can do to please him.

You can't please him. He doesn't want to be pleased. He wants to belittle and criticise you.

Your experience with the couples therapy shows why it is not recommended to have joint therapy with an abuser (not that I'm saying you were wrong, you weren't to know ) - they get to show the therapist how great they are and get them on their side and you end up feeling and being a whole lot worse off.

His behaviour works for him. It's highly unlikely he'll want to change. In the first instance, I agree with PPs and suggest you speak to Women's Aid or at least your GP who can point you in the right direction.

It's not you, it's him. I'm sorry you're going through this

we went to counselling and I vividly remember him spending the hour telling the counsellor that he had called to tell me to defrost some chicken and when he came home from work I hadn’t done it because I’d forgotten (hugely sleep deprived) and I was irresponsible, unreliable and had let him down. He needed me to promise I wouldn’t be repeating behaviour like this again. I was aghast and said I couldn’t promise as it was a genuine mistake and not meant maliciously (counsellor did not take my side at all and said could I try harder to do what mattered to my husband fucking bitch).

the counsellor said what now? And this story took him an hour?!

My husband got a bit like this the year after our baby was born.
he was angry at me about everything.

we went to counselling and I vividly remember him spending the hour telling the counsellor that he had called to tell me to defrost some chicken and when he came home from work I hadn’t done it because I’d forgotten (hugely sleep deprived) and I was irresponsible, unreliable and had let him down. He needed me to promise I wouldn’t be repeating behaviour like this again. I was aghast and said I couldn’t promise as it was a genuine mistake and not meant maliciously (counsellor did not take my side at all and said could I try harder to do what mattered to my husband fucking bitch).

anyway, it got a lot worse before it got better. I think it was a combo of him thinking I was having a years holiday, no idea how hard it was having a challenging baby, feeling jealous and shut out, missing attention from me..and being a complete abusing wanker.

anyway he’s a lot better these days, he has spent a lot of time with our kids now and has huge sympathy of how hard a day with small children is.

anyway I don’t know what you should do, leave or stay. Sorry, it’s such a tough call

I couldn't put it better, especially that first sentence.

@MellowTealMentor do you have anyone in real life you can speak to about this? Do you feel physically safe ?

I’m sorry you’re going through this You’ve been very brave opening up about it here. As others have said no this is not normal behaviour. Constant put downs and belittling someone IS a form of abuse, even if he does make you laugh. Sometimes there’s a cycle of an abuser being awful and then being overtly nice to make up for it straight afterwards. Sometimes abuse gets worse in pregnancy / after a baby is born as abusers feel a loss of power/ control and ultimately jealous of the attention the baby is getting.

sounds like you’re doing all the right things by suggesting counselling. If you’ve exhausted all avenues and he’s still awful, chances are he’s not likely to change.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk Is a good place to start with trying to get some support 🤍🤍