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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP not enjoying our “Special time” before the baby arrives.

512 replies

LaniJen · 21/09/2025 14:15

Me and DP agreed in the early weeks of my pregnancy that we’d spend from 39 weeks onwards at my parents’ home, a little way out of the city, so I could relax before the baby arrived. Everything is sorted for a home birth there. I was really looking forward to this – time to just slow down, cook together, chat, and just enjoy being the two of us before everything changes.
DP can run his business remotely so it wasn’t an issue. I honestly thought we were having a lovely time.
But earlier, while trying to connect his phone to Bluetooth, I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business). He was moaning about how bored he is here.
I feel a bit crushed. I thought this was a special time for us, but clearly he’s not feeling the same.
AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby? Or do I need to accept that he might just find it boring, even if I don’t?

OP posts:
ManteesRock · 21/09/2025 23:03

RawBloomers · 21/09/2025 20:24

What a nasty post to make to a pregnant woman.

OP has no more suggested their home is not good enough than all the women who give birth in hospitals do.

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Actually she said that she doesn't feel like her home is good enough for a home birth! She particularly wants a home birth in a home in the countryside

Notonthestairs · 21/09/2025 22:59

It’s not really special time or a bubble if he’s still working is it. He’s just having to manage it somewhere else.

Clonakilla · 21/09/2025 22:46

I think maybe too much expectation has been put on ‘special time’. Enforced special time is like enforced fun…….not really likely to be successful. I would also really not like being away from my home for special time. It wouldn’t be relaxing to me. I think I’d also be quite surprised and hurt if my husband didn’t think the home we shared was ‘home’ and the best place to relax quietly together.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 21/09/2025 22:46

I thought special time was going to be about a way to get the labour going.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/09/2025 22:46

Yeah I think taking someone away from everyone they know and everything they enjoy except for just you, and expecting them to enjoy it, is a bit much.

I think it’s understandable that he’s bored.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2025 22:46

JudgeJ · 21/09/2025 22:29

Why can she only 'be comfortable' in her parents' house and not their own? Why are the last couple of weeks considered 'special time' more than the rest of the weeks?

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Beats me. I don't really understand it.

KiwiFall · 21/09/2025 22:45

I wouldn’t like my “special time” if I wasn’t at my own home surrounded by my own things whether or not my in-laws were there or not. He maybe doesn’t want this special time to be just the 2 of you 24/7. He probably wants to enjoy seeing his friends for what he may feel is the last time for a while. No wonder he’s not enjoying it.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 21/09/2025 22:42

This sounds like a plan entirely concocted by you, to satisfy what you want. Did he want to do it or just agree to keep you happy? Assuming he is still working, trying to keep a routine going, yet in someone else's house? Crazy.

JudgeJ · 21/09/2025 22:39

ManteesRock · 21/09/2025 19:25

Why is no one picking up on the fact that OP was checking his phone!

If this was "I looked at my wife's phone while trying to connect to the Bluetooth and saw she was venting to a relative that's she's bored" everyone would be saying he was controlling and shouldn't be looking at his wife's phone!

That is the MN way though, isn't it It's the same where she can hate her in-laws but God help him if he criticises his in-laws. Hypocrisy keeps MN ticking.

FancyQuoter · 21/09/2025 22:38

LillyPJ · 21/09/2025 22:36

You seem to have built up some fantasy of what this time 'should' be like. I hope you haven't got a similarly idealised view of what birth and/or motherhood will be like.

fair point

JudgeJ · 21/09/2025 22:37

Bitsnbobs123 · 21/09/2025 19:10

It’s not a batshit idea if she feels relaxed and comfortable there. Plus he may be bored but he seems happy to do it for her.

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And if she hadn't snooped through his phone she may not have found out how bored he is. Lesson there for everyone, never snoop, you may see something you don't like.

LillyPJ · 21/09/2025 22:36

You seem to have built up some fantasy of what this time 'should' be like. I hope you haven't got a similarly idealised view of what birth and/or motherhood will be like.

olderandnonthewiser · 21/09/2025 22:33

Wow this is weird. You’re about to become parents and you don’t want to be at home?!
It’s fantasy land for me. My husband was off shore long before the days of mobiles and paternity leave. We didn’t really have a plan… just got on with life and winged it

Littlemisscapable · 21/09/2025 22:32

coravantexel · 21/09/2025 19:13

As marvellous as it can be, in my experience motherhood is one huge exercise in various things not living up to your hopes and expectations. Learning to let go of how you thought it would be is a skill you will hone to perfection! So I’d let this go.

Ths x 100000

Youraveragelass · 21/09/2025 22:31

YANBU for feeling upset that you have discovered your DH is bored and hasn’t felt able to speak to you about this, and has messages others to discuss his feelings but your DH is also entitled to feel how he feels.

In our marriage, we turn to each other first.

I hope you enjoy the remaining weeks of your pregnancy - so close now, good luck 😊

Itstheshowgirl · 21/09/2025 22:31

I agree this is very weird, over romanticism of a time that is just…waiting? It is also a bit controlling because you don’t seem to want him around anyone else during this time, it just has to be you?

I think you are in for a big shock when baby arrives. I would just go home if I were you.

Wishing you the best with your birth OP.

JudgeJ · 21/09/2025 22:29

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/09/2025 17:51

Of course he's bored, I would be too but he's doing what you want because it's important that you feel comfortable.

How far is the nearest hospital? I hope it isn't super far just in case you need to transfer to the hospital.

Why can she only 'be comfortable' in her parents' house and not their own? Why are the last couple of weeks considered 'special time' more than the rest of the weeks?

Xmasbaby11 · 21/09/2025 22:27

I agree it's unusual to want to be away from home at this time especially since your parents aren't even there. Surely home is your happy place, where you are most comfortable and everything is ready for the baby? What is it you are not getting from your own home? Won't you want to go home immediately after the baby is born? I'm sorry, it is hard to understand and I get why your DP is not enjoying it.

RedToothBrush · 21/09/2025 22:18

You have over romanced the whole thing, are probably boring him to tears with the romance of it all and all he wants to do is veg out at home which he can't do because it's not home.

You've probably prattled on about how perfect everything should be, how this is more suitable and how you are going to do this and that.

And he just wants to get the fuck on with it and have the baby rather than this limbo land of waiting endlessly for the baby which those final weeks are.

You can't do much else at that point. It's frustrating. You can't plan anything. It IS just dull as fuck.

Wait til the baby arrives. You won't want to be in someone else's house, worried about carpets and sofas and messing them up. You will crave home. All this idea of things being perfect will go out the window pretty quick.

The fact you have gone to your parents cos it's apparently more suitable, isn't exactly a statement that he's provided enough for your impending family and it's probably a statement that you intend to be around there every five mins rather than at home.

You should be at home. That's part of the problem. Your idea of home, isn't where you live with your partner. It's gonna come back and bite you on the arse very soon.

myblueskirt · 21/09/2025 22:11

I was so huge in the last few weeks by 34 weeks I left work on mat leave. I had DC at 38 weeks and by this stage I was all tummy. No cooking for me walking was an effort. I was keen to hurry it all up and onto the next phase.

I would use this last few days to slow down and nap as much as possible.

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/09/2025 22:11

Whaleandsnail6 · 21/09/2025 15:27

Without my normal day to day routine, or on a holiday where we are going out new places etc, in all honesty me and probably dh would most likely be bored of just each others company for more than a few days.

We have been happily married for nearly 20 years so I don't think this puts puts our relationship in a bad light!

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but he’s working isn’t he? So it’s just evening that isn’t scheduled time and evenings with his wife after a few days is boring him?

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 21/09/2025 22:10

LaniJen · 21/09/2025 21:38

I am not completely married to a home birth. If at any point a medical professional recommends I have the baby in the hospital then that’s what I will do.
This house is like our own little bubble where can focus on each other without feeling like we need to be available for other people socially for a few weeks while we soak up time as a couple. We aren’t in the middle of nowhere and if we wanted to go to the cinema or out for dinner then we can drive there.

I’m sorry OP but this is so weird. The time for a bubble is when you have had your baby and need to rest, recover, and establish feeding.

Go home. Why don’t you want your husband to socialise?

CJsGoldfish · 21/09/2025 22:09

LaniJen · 21/09/2025 21:38

I am not completely married to a home birth. If at any point a medical professional recommends I have the baby in the hospital then that’s what I will do.
This house is like our own little bubble where can focus on each other without feeling like we need to be available for other people socially for a few weeks while we soak up time as a couple. We aren’t in the middle of nowhere and if we wanted to go to the cinema or out for dinner then we can drive there.

It sounds like that is YOUR fantasy OP and he's indulged your romantic notion of what the last weeks should be. It's ok for him to not feel the same, especially when he hasn't actually said he doesn't.
Is he allowed to leave and go and see friends if he wants a break? Or to the cinema or dinner with friends or is this a 24/7 set up where that is not an option? Moving in to someone elses home, to live in a 'bubble' sounds suffocating and forced to me so a moment of feeling bored seems quite mild and reasonable.
TBF, he's participating in your little indulgent fantasy because YOU are the one who is pregnant and he, I assume, loves you. He spared you his feelings of boredom. Is he otherwise living up to your expectation of what this time should be? If so, I can't see why this is such an issue. He has supported what you want
There is also the fact that you don't need to go into messages to connect the bluetooth so I'm wondering if checking his messages is normal behaviour and the uprooting to a different, unfamiliar 'home' is a little more than just your idea of 'soaking up time' as a couple?

pteromum · 21/09/2025 21:53

devildeepbluesea · 21/09/2025 19:28

Mate, this sounds fucking batshit. Why on earth would you up sticks to someone else’s house just before a baby is born? Surely you’ll have enough upheaval in the next few weeks.

Just pack up, go home and grt
back to normal. The last few days of normal is what you need.

This, for sure!!!!

this is one of these posts you will look back on when a toddler is throwing food at you and you have a newborn screaming and wonder why you wasted all this time at this point.

MonGrainDeSel · 21/09/2025 21:49

If I were you or your partner I'd want to be in my own home for this 'special time'. TBH, I didn't find the part just before I gave birth particularly special. I was the size of a house, couldn't put my own socks on and would 100% rather have been in my own house and bed. Also, unless your parents live close to you, you've presumably cut your partner off from all his normal social networks which seems a bit unfair. I get why you would rather be at home than going out and doing things but I can't see why he can't. As long as he doesn't get drunk in case he needs to drive to the hospital, obviously.