Page 2 | DP not enjoying our “Special time” before the baby arrives.

LaniJen · 2025-09-21T13:15:00+00:00

Me and DP agreed in the early weeks of my pregnancy that we’d spend from 39 weeks onwards at my parents’ home, a little way out of the city, so I could relax before the baby arrived. Everything is sorted for a home birth there. I was really looking forward to this – time to just slow down, cook together, chat, and just enjoy being the two of us before everything changes. DP can run his business remotely so it wasn’t an issue. I honestly thought we were having a lovely time. But earlier, while trying to connect his phone to Bluetooth, I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business). He was moaning about how bored he is here. I feel a bit crushed. I thought this was a special time for us, but clearly he’s not feeling the same. AIBU to be upset that he isn’t enjoying this “just us” time before the baby? Or do I need to accept that he might just find it boring, even if I don’t?

RampantIvy · 23/09/2025 10:58

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 23/09/2025 08:41

How is it alone time for both of you if your parents are there? My DH would find that massively stressful. Why isn't your own hom relaxing?

They aren't. They are abroad.

JediNinja · 23/09/2025 09:51

Doyouship · 23/09/2025 09:31

Needn’t be blood related!

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It's quite a stretch and really a bit twisted. OP said that "I saw messages between him and a female family member (and her DH – they both work for his business)." The exchange sounds like it happened in a work chat they have set up and the niece was replying to a message about being bored. The niece's husband, for all we know, could also be on the same chat.

OP wants her DH to feel exactly like her imaginary version of what the last 2-3 week of pregnancy should look like. But to be honest, OP could give birth tomorrow or in 3 weeks. Waiting for it to happen in a house it's not yours, without your stuff and your comforts, WFH in someone's desk or table, and being expected to just potter around otherwise until an unknown date... sounds boring. I would use that nesting focus to prepare my own house, especially if he can WFH and perhaps do some shopping, tidy around, etc.

MaybeIf · 23/09/2025 09:48

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2025 09:45

How are all the women in your lives so black and white?
My female friends are a fair split of SAHMs and WOHMs. Of the latter there's a mix of low skill / entry level jobs and lawyers, drs, CEOs. Some days some of those friends love pottering at home, curling up with a book, some days some of those friends are halfway up a mountain with a child strapped to their back or having a weekend away with friends or up or their elbows in soil. They're all multifaceted. And none of the WOHMs stopped talking to me when I became a SAHM, none of the SAHMs are threatening to excommunicate me if I get a job.

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Honestly, because I don’t tend to hang around with housewifey, unambitious people of either sex. The longterm SAHPs I know are so because of children with significant additional needs, their own or a child’s illness, or being unable to work in a particular place.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2025 09:45

HeadNorth · 23/09/2025 09:34

Exactly - all my female friends are outdoors, adventurous types - because I am. If you are a homebody it stands to reason you will have similar friends and then confirmation bias will lead you to think 'most' women are like that. When my experience leads me to think the opposite.

But as pointed out, irrelevant in any case as they are not at home but in some odd twilight zone in the in-laws house. Which I think most people would find pretty frustrating.

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How are all the women in your lives so black and white?
My female friends are a fair split of SAHMs and WOHMs. Of the latter there's a mix of low skill / entry level jobs and lawyers, drs, CEOs. Some days some of those friends love pottering at home, curling up with a book, some days some of those friends are halfway up a mountain with a child strapped to their back or having a weekend away with friends or up or their elbows in soil. They're all multifaceted. And none of the WOHMs stopped talking to me when I became a SAHM, none of the SAHMs are threatening to excommunicate me if I get a job.

HeadNorth · 23/09/2025 09:34

MaybeIf · 23/09/2025 09:08

Again, that’s because yiu attracted a particular housewifey type of friend. I don’t know anyone of either sex who’s been a SAHP for longer than a gap between jobs or mat leave unless there was some contributing factor like illness, redundancy or being a trailing spouse. And literally no one I know would want to be a housewife. It doesn’t even have the value of raising small children. It’s just stretching out housework that could be done in a very short amount of time to give an illusion of usefulness.

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Exactly - all my female friends are outdoors, adventurous types - because I am. If you are a homebody it stands to reason you will have similar friends and then confirmation bias will lead you to think 'most' women are like that. When my experience leads me to think the opposite.

But as pointed out, irrelevant in any case as they are not at home but in some odd twilight zone in the in-laws house. Which I think most people would find pretty frustrating.

Doyouship · 23/09/2025 09:31

ThatBlackCat · 23/09/2025 07:43

She's his niece! What you are suggesting is incest. Is that really where you're going?

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Needn’t be blood related!

NoisyLittleOtter · 23/09/2025 09:14

Woompund · 23/09/2025 09:13

My DH loves pottering at home and I'd hate to be a housewife but hey that's not the point. They aren't at home they are at someone else's home. Not many men would feel comfortable staying for weeks on end in their PIL's house!

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Or women! I’d hate to spend weeks at my PIL’s house, whether they were there or not.

Woompund · 23/09/2025 09:13

Comedycook · 23/09/2025 09:01

Yes it's not necessarily something that will fit everyone...my female friends all work but will say they'd quite like to be housewives in an ideal world. They'd be quite happy at home....for most men, if they were sahps or house husbands, they'd not thrive in that lifestyle. Again we're all different...I'm making huge generalisations.

But for the op, if she's in the late stages of pregnancy, it's very normal that she'll be nesting. Home will be comforting and safe. It's pretty standard to me that a pregnant woman will enjoy just being in the home. Expectant fathers will not have these hormones and emotions.

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My DH loves pottering at home and I'd hate to be a housewife but hey that's not the point. They aren't at home they are at someone else's home. Not many men would feel comfortable staying for weeks on end in their PIL's house!

NoisyLittleOtter · 23/09/2025 09:12

MaybeIf · 23/09/2025 09:08

Again, that’s because yiu attracted a particular housewifey type of friend. I don’t know anyone of either sex who’s been a SAHP for longer than a gap between jobs or mat leave unless there was some contributing factor like illness, redundancy or being a trailing spouse. And literally no one I know would want to be a housewife. It doesn’t even have the value of raising small children. It’s just stretching out housework that could be done in a very short amount of time to give an illusion of usefulness.

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The only SAHP I know is male!

MaybeIf · 23/09/2025 09:08

Comedycook · 23/09/2025 09:01

Yes it's not necessarily something that will fit everyone...my female friends all work but will say they'd quite like to be housewives in an ideal world. They'd be quite happy at home....for most men, if they were sahps or house husbands, they'd not thrive in that lifestyle. Again we're all different...I'm making huge generalisations.

But for the op, if she's in the late stages of pregnancy, it's very normal that she'll be nesting. Home will be comforting and safe. It's pretty standard to me that a pregnant woman will enjoy just being in the home. Expectant fathers will not have these hormones and emotions.

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Again, that’s because yiu attracted a particular housewifey type of friend. I don’t know anyone of either sex who’s been a SAHP for longer than a gap between jobs or mat leave unless there was some contributing factor like illness, redundancy or being a trailing spouse. And literally no one I know would want to be a housewife. It doesn’t even have the value of raising small children. It’s just stretching out housework that could be done in a very short amount of time to give an illusion of usefulness.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 23/09/2025 09:07

Overtheatlantic · 21/09/2025 14:19

It sounds like you have romanticised the idea because you are in the nesting phase of your life, and want things to be a certain way. He isn’t necessarily feeling the same way, which isn’t wrong, but it’s a good reminder to check in with each other and try to be on the same page.

Absolutely this.

We get ideas in our minds and scenarios where we envision something being like XXX but it's in our minds. It doesn't mean that our partners (or anyone) has the same thoughts.

He maybe happy to support your wishes to be at your parents home and for the home birth to be there but he doesn't have to share your excitement and feelings. He's not the one having a baby.

Sorry that it's not been how you were hoping it to be

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 09:05

Comedycook · 23/09/2025 09:01

Yes it's not necessarily something that will fit everyone...my female friends all work but will say they'd quite like to be housewives in an ideal world. They'd be quite happy at home....for most men, if they were sahps or house husbands, they'd not thrive in that lifestyle. Again we're all different...I'm making huge generalisations.

But for the op, if she's in the late stages of pregnancy, it's very normal that she'll be nesting. Home will be comforting and safe. It's pretty standard to me that a pregnant woman will enjoy just being in the home. Expectant fathers will not have these hormones and emotions.

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I think you’ve missed that the OP is not at home

loads of us are saying that in latter stages of pregnancy we loved being home

but this OP isn’t at “home”

Comedycook · 23/09/2025 09:01

NoisyLittleOtter · 23/09/2025 08:57

I won’t flame you as everyone is different, but this is genuinely not something I’ve witnessed amongst my family and friends.

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Yes it's not necessarily something that will fit everyone...my female friends all work but will say they'd quite like to be housewives in an ideal world. They'd be quite happy at home....for most men, if they were sahps or house husbands, they'd not thrive in that lifestyle. Again we're all different...I'm making huge generalisations.

But for the op, if she's in the late stages of pregnancy, it's very normal that she'll be nesting. Home will be comforting and safe. It's pretty standard to me that a pregnant woman will enjoy just being in the home. Expectant fathers will not have these hormones and emotions.

MaybeIf · 23/09/2025 08:58

Comedycook · 23/09/2025 08:47

At the risk of a flaming....I think home is basically the woman's domain, even more so if you're in the latter stages of pregnancy. Men generally don't hugely enjoy just being at home and pottering around. I have observed this in my childhood, when my father took early retirement and also in my own life when DH wfh. Men are generally happier having to get out of the house every day to do something productive. Women are usually pretty dam happy just being in the home. This doesn't mean all men and all women are like this obviously...but in the main...it's something I've witnessed.

Edited

I think you’re an extreme example, @Comedycook. You stayed at home long after your children’s ages no longer required it, and were horrified during Covid when your husband was at home during the working day. I remember at the time it being strikingly clear that you didn’t like your daytime inactivity being monitored.

NoisyLittleOtter · 23/09/2025 08:57

Comedycook · 23/09/2025 08:47

At the risk of a flaming....I think home is basically the woman's domain, even more so if you're in the latter stages of pregnancy. Men generally don't hugely enjoy just being at home and pottering around. I have observed this in my childhood, when my father took early retirement and also in my own life when DH wfh. Men are generally happier having to get out of the house every day to do something productive. Women are usually pretty dam happy just being in the home. This doesn't mean all men and all women are like this obviously...but in the main...it's something I've witnessed.

Edited

I won’t flame you as everyone is different, but this is genuinely not something I’ve witnessed amongst my family and friends.

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 08:54

Comedycook · 23/09/2025 08:47

At the risk of a flaming....I think home is basically the woman's domain, even more so if you're in the latter stages of pregnancy. Men generally don't hugely enjoy just being at home and pottering around. I have observed this in my childhood, when my father took early retirement and also in my own life when DH wfh. Men are generally happier having to get out of the house every day to do something productive. Women are usually pretty dam happy just being in the home. This doesn't mean all men and all women are like this obviously...but in the main...it's something I've witnessed.

Edited

What’s your situation @Comedycook ? Man or woman? Partner? Live alone ? Children ?

Just being nosy!

Comedycook · 23/09/2025 08:47

At the risk of a flaming....I think home is basically the woman's domain, even more so if you're in the latter stages of pregnancy. Men generally don't hugely enjoy just being at home and pottering around. I have observed this in my childhood, when my father took early retirement and also in my own life when DH wfh. Men are generally happier having to get out of the house every day to do something productive. Women are usually pretty dam happy just being in the home. This doesn't mean all men and all women are like this obviously...but in the main...it's something I've witnessed.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 23/09/2025 08:41

How is it alone time for both of you if your parents are there? My DH would find that massively stressful. Why isn't your own hom relaxing?

Myfamilyisquirky · 23/09/2025 08:09

I think whenever you plan " special time " it never really works it's too much pressure and too intense. Have a conversation about it you will probably laugh about this in a few years it's sweet but a bit naive to think it's going to be idyllic.

ThatBlackCat · 23/09/2025 07:43

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 07:33

The bollox about Bluetooth and the messaging

the specific identification of the relative is being female

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She's his niece! What you are suggesting is incest. Is that really where you're going?

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 07:33

RampantIvy · 23/09/2025 07:33

I have just read all of her posts and I'm not reading this in any of them. She sounds intense and idealistic but she doesn't come across as someone suspecting her DP of an affair.

I could be wrong of course.

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The bollox about Bluetooth and the messaging

the specific identification of the relative is being female

RampantIvy · 23/09/2025 07:33

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 07:29

Why do I think this?

The OP and follow up posts

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I have just read all of her posts and I'm not reading this in any of them. She sounds intense and idealistic but she doesn't come across as someone suspecting her DP of an affair.

I could be wrong of course.

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 07:29

RampantIvy · 23/09/2025 07:27

That's quite a reach to come to that conclusion. Why do you think this?

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Why do I think this?

The OP and follow up posts

RampantIvy · 23/09/2025 07:27

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 06:21

This isn’t a thread about the DP being bored

this is a thread about a pregnant woman who suspect her partner is having an affair, so tried to squirrel him away at her parents, but couldn’t resist checking his phone and sure enough OW is still there.

OP start a thread about what you are actually worried about

That's quite a reach to come to that conclusion. Why do you think this?

Fruitlips · 23/09/2025 06:21

This isn’t a thread about the DP being bored

this is a thread about a pregnant woman who suspect her partner is having an affair, so tried to squirrel him away at her parents, but couldn’t resist checking his phone and sure enough OW is still there.

OP start a thread about what you are actually worried about