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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

unfair expectations among siblings

34 replies

ThatKindOpalBee · 21/09/2025 12:04

Hi everyone so I just kind of stumbled across this website and would like some perspective and advice on my situation. I'm feeling quite upset about this as this has been an ongoing situation in my family.

I'm a 17 years old girl and I live primarily with my 14 years old sister and my mum. My dad works away a lot but we all have a decent relationship with him. I love my dad but one thing about him is that he would never disagree with my mum even when he tells me he does think it's not right.

Anyways what's making me quite upset is my mum's very different expectations when it comes to my sister and I. Now I understand my sister is nearly 3 years younger than me so it's reasonable to expect less from her. My problem is there is significantly less expected from her compared to me 3 years ago.

Since I was 12, I had been expected to contribute to chores at home, which I think is reasonable but my sister is now 14 and still isn't expected to do anything. Usually my share is the laundry and unloading the dishwasher on weekends. And groceries shopping like every 2 weeks (we are lucky my mum's a stay at home mum). I have no complaints about this, but the thing is my sister is not only not expected to do anything, she also dumps her things on the corridors, in the living room, and never bothers to take her dish to the sink after meals.

I have talked to my mum about this and she would tell my sister to do it once, and my sister would ignore her and my mum would use that as a reason not to expect her to pull any weight, as she wouldn't listen anyways. Yet, every time I don't do a good job on my chores my mum would tell me off. Also, if for example my mum take the trash out and I don't replace the garbage bag in time she would think I don't want to do it and would tell me off. She also complains that I don't do enough around the house. Every time it leaves me feeling indignant because my sister has never once been held accountable by her to even not leave her stuff everywhere or to put her dish to the sink.

My sister is also very unkind; a lot of times when my mum cooks dinner for us she would call it disgusting to my mum's face, criticize the food, then leave some on the plate and just leave everything on the table, including used tissues. She does whatever she wants and she watches her iPad all through dinner every night, blast music out loud frequently. She insults me and picks fights with my mum and I and gets away with all of it.

If I even do half of what she does my mum would definitely be very cross with me. It hurts the most when my mum tells me off for not doing enough chores and not even expect my sister to do the most basic things. My mum says I just need to do my part and what my sister does is irrelevant, and I understand that in principle but practically as a family when this happens I feel unvalued and very unfair. My mum just thinks a mature person wouldn't feel this way. AIBU?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 21/09/2025 12:29

Yes, your Mum is being unreasonable and inequitable. Your Dad, of course, is nicely out of the equation, with his constant travelling, leaving Mum to carry the can for the parenting, both good and bad. (I'm assuming there is some good parenting, that you do approve of? If so, for both you and her, it would be good to acknowledge it, if only to yourself!)

It's a shame your Mum is allowing this inequity and imbalance between you. It sets you up for a relationship with a vital member of your family, the one that is going to be there when your Mum and Dad no longer are, of resentment and negativity.

I know it doesn't help, and it likely doesn't seem that way at the moment, but you are actually getting the better end of the parenting deal. You are actually being perceived, and treated, with more respect, being treated as a mature and contributing part of the family in a way that your sister isn't. You are also being better prepared for independent life, being able to do basic housekeeping chores, being aware of the necessity of doing so, and not being brought up just assuming that someone else should be doing that stuff for you.

Which is not to say that I don't totally understand how annoying and frustrating the double standard is.

It is, in your Mum's defence, very hard to maintain complete equity and evenhandedness between siblings, particularly from the siblings' perception, no matter how hard you try! Because even siblings are very different people, with very different personalities, and needs.

Fatcatsinspats · 21/09/2025 12:29

Your mum asks you because you are kind and reliable. Your sister is a bloody spoilt brat - I suspect with some sort of special needs.

Eventually, in her 30s my sister started being nice and kind and helpful - especially to my mum.

Yes, it is frustrating and I still remember my childhood and teenage years with some bitterness. All you can do is resolve to leave asap and not treat your own kids the same way.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/09/2025 12:28

Are you in school or college OP? If you are studying for A levels, I would imagine that you have a lot of homework to do in the evenings. What would happen if you didn't do your chores? Your mum is caving in and not making your sister do any chores as it is easier for your mum to do them than have an argument with your sister.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/09/2025 12:23

I also think it sounds like your sister has ADHD so whilst I can absolutely understand and appreciate how frustrating it is for you, believe me, your mum is probably peddling away twenty to the dozen to help her. Different children have different needs, as a parent what is equal is not always what is fair.

mzpq · 21/09/2025 12:21

Ahh good old sibling rivalry!

I bet if we heard from your sister she'd have a similar story about you and how you're 'mum's favourite' and everything's not fair.

And of course a different story altogether from your mum 😁

It won't last forever though, as one day you'll move out and be Queen of your own castle.

Hang in there OP Flowers

Original poster
ThatKindOpalBee · 21/09/2025 12:18

Fatcatsinspats · 21/09/2025 12:15

I am old now but I could have written your post. In hindsight my sister had undiagnosed ADHD and went into hysterics if asked to do anything and my mum couldn’t cope. My mum also felt very guilty about having post natal depression after my sister was born and rejecting her.

It won’t last forever. Just grit your teeth. When you are 18 you have options. Go away to Uni if that is what you want to do.

My sister never went into hysterics she just ignores my mum when my mum is pressured to even ask her, because she knows she can get away with it. In your case I'd understand but in mine I just can't really comprehend the logic.

OP posts:
Greyhoundnewbie · 21/09/2025 12:17

Tired mum here. We are just doing our best most of the time. ❤

Fatcatsinspats · 21/09/2025 12:15

I am old now but I could have written your post. In hindsight my sister had undiagnosed ADHD and went into hysterics if asked to do anything and my mum couldn’t cope. My mum also felt very guilty about having post natal depression after my sister was born and rejecting her.

It won’t last forever. Just grit your teeth. When you are 18 you have options. Go away to Uni if that is what you want to do.

Original poster
ThatKindOpalBee · 21/09/2025 12:09

Also, my mum says that it wouldn't be unfair as I am not doing my sister's share and she is just happy to do it for her and sister is unwilling to budge.

OP posts: