Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

446 replies

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 04:48

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

OP posts:
AntiBullshit · 21/09/2025 09:39

Would you not do exactly the same tell the snorer to shut up? Lack of sleep is awful.

I know a couple who sleep apart for this reason and it works well.

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 21/09/2025 09:39

I haven't slept next to my husband for 5 years. Still love him. But also love sleeping. All good here.

ilovejam · 21/09/2025 09:37

I don't understand people who saying it's the beginning of the end if they sleep in separate bedrooms. Me and my DH have been sleeping in separate bedrooms due to our different sleeping patterns. We have a good and active sex life. We are well rested and happy. What will be the end is continuing to sleep in the same bed when you can see that it's clearly not working out. I don't even know who came up with this thing that couples should sleep in one bed everyday.

WhereTheSkyMeetsTheSea · 21/09/2025 09:36

PrissyGalore · 21/09/2025 09:30

Your posts are full of contempt for your husband yet you’re worried about separate rooms? I couldn’t imagine talking about him in those terms, love his company but we sleep in separate rooms. I don’t like his snoring, it wakes me up. So we have a practical solution-we still find plenty of time in bed together but for sleeping it’s separate. Could you not have a sensible conversation with your husband-none of this ‘beginning of the end’ nonsense. For me, beginning of the end would be the drinking, crisps and dirty mouth. If you don’t have sex, what’s the obsession about sleeping in the same bed anyway? You say you have loads of money-why do you have to put up with your daughter’s old bed? Redecorate, buy the best bed and mattress you can and enjoy some sleep. It might make you see each other on a new light.

Nailed it to a T

Titasaducksarse · 21/09/2025 09:36

We often sleep separately as a good sleep is more important than anything. I often have nightmares and will wander or be frantic so no point us both having a shit sleep.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 21/09/2025 09:35

Snoring is absolutely awful. I have sympathy with your partner because when an ex snored it used to give me the rage.

Try and understand each other's perspective.

Samlou61 · 21/09/2025 09:35

Sounds like you're married to a man with a drink problem and maybe even a narcissist!

Hillrunning · 21/09/2025 09:35

To add, splitting where you sleep and still not actually addressing the problem of how you both feel bout each other will also not solve the issue.

My DH works shifts, so sometimes we dont sleep in the same room. Its not in any way come from a place of negative feelings. It came from a place of love from both of us. He sleeps in the spare room on some days so that I dont have to creep around when hes asleep really early in the evenings and I sleep in the spare room sometimes to allow him the darker room when he has to be asleep in the day. We both look forward to the days when we do share a bed. In no way is it the 'beginning of the end' is two people being kind and considerate to each other.

Woompund · 21/09/2025 09:34

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 07:24

I know what you are all saying about separate rooms, however, we have ALWAYS said that that would be the beginning of the end. So whilst we could do it, we both know it would be signifying something. That said, there's no fucking way I could be in the same bed as him tonight. So some fucker is moving.

You passed the beginning of the end a long time ago. His behaviour is vile and you are losing respect for him. You need to change a lot of things if you don't want to be at the end of the end - both of you.

Woompund · 21/09/2025 09:32

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 06:24

Just to say, my "snoring" is NOT full on fat man snoring, it's slight heavier breathing, that many of us do when asleep. When he is on day shift, he gets up at 5.15am, and is he is VERY precious about getting a good nights sleep. He goes up to bed at 8.15pm. So that's NINE hours in bed, so whilst it's an early start, he's not exactly sleep deprived. This is when he is hyper vigilant of any noise I make.

However, when he does not have an early start, all bets are off. He smokes, drinks, devours a family bag of crisps, falls asleep in front of the TV. I often have to come down at 2am and turn everything off, because the neighbours can hear the TV at that time of night. I do all that, go back to bed, then he comes up around 5am, and wakes me again by stumbling in to bed. Then falls straight to sleep and goes into FULL on snoring. In my face. After smoking, drinking, eating crisps, and without brushing his teeth. Given that I endure that, you would think that I might have some credits in the bank for a bit of heavy breathing when he has to be up at 515. But no, apparently not. It's ok to wake me up.

He left and had the cheek to say, hopefully I will get a nap today! Yes, whilst working I'm sure I'll squeeze in a nap. Fucking tool.

He sounds like a prize prick.

SweetnsourNZ · 21/09/2025 09:32

I wake my husband up sometimes if he snores, but not hastily. He is a good sleeper though, so just rolls over and goes back to sleep. I only do it if its ugly snoring though.

PrimoPiatti · 21/09/2025 09:31

Sleep apnea? See your gp.

Northquit · 21/09/2025 09:31

You need separate bedrooms. Maybe in separate houses.

Hillrunning · 21/09/2025 09:31

You say that separate rooms signifies the beginning of the end (which i do understand as a concern) but the reality is, you're at the point already. The pair of you are no longer aligned (assuming you were are some point) you've both lost the ability to have a kind and sensible conversation about sleep, a really crucial part of life for everyone's wellbeing. You've displayed a lot of resentment, and his behaviour suggests the same for you (or perhaps complacency towards you rather than resentment). My point being, the problem exists and is significant, sraying the the same room doesn't make the problem not real.

PrissyGalore · 21/09/2025 09:30

Your posts are full of contempt for your husband yet you’re worried about separate rooms? I couldn’t imagine talking about him in those terms, love his company but we sleep in separate rooms. I don’t like his snoring, it wakes me up. So we have a practical solution-we still find plenty of time in bed together but for sleeping it’s separate. Could you not have a sensible conversation with your husband-none of this ‘beginning of the end’ nonsense. For me, beginning of the end would be the drinking, crisps and dirty mouth. If you don’t have sex, what’s the obsession about sleeping in the same bed anyway? You say you have loads of money-why do you have to put up with your daughter’s old bed? Redecorate, buy the best bed and mattress you can and enjoy some sleep. It might make you see each other on a new light.

SweetnsourNZ · 21/09/2025 09:30

TheJoyousUser · 21/09/2025 05:28

I’m more worried about him drinking a bottle of wine each evening after work and potentially more on his days off. Could that be a cause of his irritable behaviour and poor sleep? Separate beds for a few weeks might help but resolving the alcohol issue could be a game changer

Also is he driving firstvthing in the morning? He could still be over the legal limit.

Geranium879 · 21/09/2025 09:29

Separate rooms. Only way.

DysmalRadius · 21/09/2025 09:27

Any of the behaviours you describe here would be the 'beginning of the end' for me - you really think it's healthier for you both to be so angry in bed that you're punching pillows and getting angrily dressed at 4am than just having separate bedrooms?!?! Ludicrous!!

ragandbonewoman · 21/09/2025 09:26

Mustbethat · 21/09/2025 04:53

Sounds like you need separate bedrooms.

neither of you come out of this well. He has every right to be as angry as you are about disturbed sleep.

get an hour on the sofa or spare bed now before work.

How exactly does OP “not come out of this well”? She doesn’t wake him up when he’s snoring, she just suffers through it

ThisMellowCat · 21/09/2025 09:25

I can sympathise with you, when my husband snores it can wake the dead, it’s so annoying. He says I snore too, but it’s certainly not as often as him.
i however am a devil, and I don’t wake him up now as it can get into a row we both don’t need, so I hold his nose until he wakes himself up. I feign sleep then. He turns over and all is quiet.
if you both snore so loudly separate rooms is probably best as you both seem to have different sleep patterns anyway, with him drinking before bed it does make it worse as they fall into a deeper sleep.you need to have that chat and get another bed sorted.

ThisOldThang · 21/09/2025 09:22

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 08:56

Yes, he drinks at 11pm when he gets in. Then falls asleep on the sofa. If the TV is on I have to get up, go down and turn it off, or we get complaints from neighbours (texts to MY phone). We do have a timer - he forgets to set it! Then I'm woken again at 5am when he comes to bed. Then my alarm goes off at 6.30am for work. ALLLLL of that is seemingly okay - but my light snoring is not. Seems fair.

No, he never drinks during the day.

Show quote history

Buy one of these for the TV and set it to always turn off at 1am and on again at 7am.

www.amazon.co.uk/TP-LINK-Tapo-Wireless-Required-P100/dp/B07Z942YWS

Cucy · 21/09/2025 09:21

I don’t understand how you can think sleeping in separate beds is the beginning of the end, but the behaviour that is already happening isn’t.

You’re both cutting your noses off to spite your face.

You will both be miserable because neither of you are getting any decent sleep.

Have separate rooms to sleep.
You can still go in with each other for sex or cuddles.
Maybe share on the weekend and sleep separate during the week.

You’ll both feel so much better and have a better relationship for being able to sleep.

Wadadli · 21/09/2025 09:17

AmyDuPlantier · 21/09/2025 04:54

My husband was like this. It used to astound me how he could go from ‘fast asleep’ to saying stuff like that to the person he apparently loved most in the world.

Long story short, I’m now in my own room and the house is being sold. I’m not living like that any more.

💐

HereWeGo1234 · 21/09/2025 09:15

If you’re existing on about 4hrs sleep a night and fasting/dieting u must be wrecked. At least you are trying to make changes for the better for both of you.
it must feel like there is no end in sight but there is, hang on in and look after yourself 💐

FrondsofFriday · 21/09/2025 09:14

Well OP, do you want to be right or do you want to find a solution?

Relationship-wise, you need a conversation about how the snoring and the dynamics around it are impacting both of you; how last night made you feel and the potential damage it will do to your relationship if not jointly tackled.

Practically:
You both need to lose weight / cut down on booze/ go to the GP/ try nasal strips, ear plugs, side sleeper pillows etc as necessary.

Swipe left for the next trending thread