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Original poster

Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

446 replies

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 04:48

Apparently I was snoring. So he says "fucks sake" out loud, whilst turning on his side noisily. Definitely designed to wake me up. He knows I struggle to get back to sleep, if woken at that time. Small argument ensued, where I am told not to lie on my back. So essentially, this means lying on my side all night, facing the wall, not being able to move around to get comfy. That would be hard enough, but I have something wrong with my upper arms right now (dull ache), so lying on my side is not that comfy as it squashes my arms. He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour, before I just call it quits and get up (at 4.20am) and get dressed. Now sitting in the dining room, and I am fuming.

For some context, just last week, he woke me up several times in the night. He sometimes gets in from work at 11pm, and has a bottle of wine to unwind. He then gets into bed around 3am, falls into a coma and snores loudly. But that's ok? Seems like a huge double standard to me.

He also has form for drinking on his days off, falling asleep on the sofa with the TV on, and then I have to get up at say 1am, to turn everything off, then I'm woken again when he rolls into bed at 5am. Yes, I have posted about this before if anyone thinks it sounds familiar.

It's now 4.47am, I have a long day ahead of me. Earliest I can go to bed tonight is 9pm, due to work commitments.

Can't edit heading for typos.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/09/2025 10:02

Also get the blinds sorted so that they work for you.

Jochef · 21/09/2025 10:02

JustAnotherDayWorkingAtHome · 21/09/2025 05:51

Ear plugs. There are some really comfy ones these days.

I have a huge bag of yellow 3M ones off Amazon. They are the best, I’ve tried many.

My husband is a big snorer, I refuse to relinquish my sealy mattress, so the ear plugs are the compromise.

We work together and have to be up early so I choose not to wake him and sleep perfectly with ear plugs.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/09/2025 10:01

I think separate bedrooms is the answer.

But I also think you could try to do something about your light sleeping and difficulty in getting back off, because it’s quite oppressive to tiptoe around the other person. That runs both ways of course!

user2848502016 · 21/09/2025 10:01

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 09:54

Just catching up on posts. Thanks so much for replies btw, I am taking on board.

I have just moved the clothes horse out of the room that has a day bed. The day bed in there is SO comfy. I've put fresh pillows on, moved my pyjamas, nightie, pillow spray, lip balm etc onto the bedside table in there. Moved my toothbrush out of the en suite and into the main bathroom. I will be in there tonight. It's actually comfier than our new mattress, which is insane given that it was really cheap by comparison. The only thing is, I can't pull the blinds down in there - long story, but they've been known to come off the wall (DH crap at DIY). I figure it doesn't matter as it'll be dark when I go to bed, and dark when I get up. Would have been a problem in the summer when it's light.

In a way I'm looking forward to an undisturbed nights sleep, without worrying about any noise that I make, but on the other hand it all feels a bit sad. 56 years old and sleeping on a single bed in a spare room. What a loser. 😥

You’re not a loser, this is a positive step.
I think it could massively improve your marriage as you will be less resentful of your DH.
Why not get the spare room ready with a new bed etc and coat of paint and make it a lovely new room for yourself?
Also if DH is “crap at DIY” can you not fit some new blinds? All men don’t have to be good at DIY. Or just pay a decorator to come and do both spare rooms? I would rather spend money on having a comfortable bedroom than a fancy holiday

Heronwatcher · 21/09/2025 09:59

For the sleep issues you definitely need separate bedrooms. Just the early mornings would be enough for me to move out, let alone the snoring. It doesn’t have to be the end, and TBH it doesn’t sound like sleeping in the same room is doing much for the relationship.

BUT, as others have said, you sound really unhappy. Maybe a very frank discussion and/ or trial separation might be in order?

Skybluepinky · 21/09/2025 09:57

Sounds like you both get on each others nerves either have separate bedrooms or split up.

Bladderpool · 21/09/2025 09:57

Your attitude towards sleeping in the other room is very strange and immature. So we’re all “losers” for getting our own space and a good nights sleep? I’m seriously losing sympathy for you.

Nearly50omg · 21/09/2025 09:57

He is a functioning alcoholic drinking that much every night and being able to get up for work that early!!! He has a BIG problem that’s not just the snoring!

DelectableMe · 21/09/2025 09:56

CatherinedeBourgh · 21/09/2025 05:34

How is separate bedrooms the beginning of the end and resenting each other for something you both can't help not?

I don't understand the obsession with sleeping together when it means lying awake resenting the other person.

Show quote history

I agree. It seems very strange to me.

Catsknowbest · 21/09/2025 09:56

I don't think that makes you a loser- its a positive step. A temporary suggestion just for privacy you could put something temporary over the window? Then order a blind.

MimiSunshine · 21/09/2025 09:56

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 07:24

I know what you are all saying about separate rooms, however, we have ALWAYS said that that would be the beginning of the end. So whilst we could do it, we both know it would be signifying something. That said, there's no fucking way I could be in the same bed as him tonight. So some fucker is moving.

Moving into separate droops wouldn’t be the beginning of the end. That ship has sailed from everything you’ve posted.

It would simply be acknowledging that the end began a while back.

this relationship sounds terrible.

Nanny0gg · 21/09/2025 09:56

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 07:24

I know what you are all saying about separate rooms, however, we have ALWAYS said that that would be the beginning of the end. So whilst we could do it, we both know it would be signifying something. That said, there's no fucking way I could be in the same bed as him tonight. So some fucker is moving.

Surely the beginning of the end is lack of closeness?

You don't have sex and you go to bed just waiting to be woken up now

He also doesn't appear to pull his weight around the home (who leaves dirty underpants on a radiator? Minging)

So I'd rather face all that after a good night's sleep

Original poster
fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 09:54

Just catching up on posts. Thanks so much for replies btw, I am taking on board.

I have just moved the clothes horse out of the room that has a day bed. The day bed in there is SO comfy. I've put fresh pillows on, moved my pyjamas, nightie, pillow spray, lip balm etc onto the bedside table in there. Moved my toothbrush out of the en suite and into the main bathroom. I will be in there tonight. It's actually comfier than our new mattress, which is insane given that it was really cheap by comparison. The only thing is, I can't pull the blinds down in there - long story, but they've been known to come off the wall (DH crap at DIY). I figure it doesn't matter as it'll be dark when I go to bed, and dark when I get up. Would have been a problem in the summer when it's light.

In a way I'm looking forward to an undisturbed nights sleep, without worrying about any noise that I make, but on the other hand it all feels a bit sad. 56 years old and sleeping on a single bed in a spare room. What a loser. 😥

OP posts:
mjf981 · 21/09/2025 09:53

Separate bedrooms.
I think many relationships would be a lot healthier if each had their own bedroom.
I don't understand people that think it is 'taboo' or the 'beginning of the end.' Sleep is absolutely vital. Everyone I know who has tried it wished they did it years ago.

Millionsofmonkeys · 21/09/2025 09:52

I moved to the spare room at 1:40 due to DH coming back from the pub and so snoring loudly and refusing to turn onto his side (when sober he is pretty easy to turn with a hand under his shoulder). I then slept until 9am undisturbed.

DH used to get very upset with me for being irritated by him snoring, saying he couldn't help it, but also being upset if I moved beds. We had a proper discussion about it and he understood that the constant waking was harming me. He wedges himself on 4 pillows and that usually does the trick, but if he's been drinking it's sometimes not enough and it's now agreed that me moving at night is a practical response and not a comment on me hating him!

CeciliaMars · 21/09/2025 09:52

I'm on the other side of this. Unless my husband sleeps on his side, he snores terribly and I really can't sleep. I have to roll him over. It's incredibly frustrating. You're upset about being woken up but he's probably been lying there seething about your snoring for hours!

WFHforevermore · 21/09/2025 09:50

Jesus, why are you with him? I get you are angry, my DH and I sleep separate as he snores and i know i do sometimes, but you just sound nasty, resentful and bitter. No wonder he drinks.

ThreeLocusts · 21/09/2025 09:50

OP I have slept separately from my DH for years as I need a cold bedroom and he a warm one. Not the end of our marriage.

I think the first few comments you got were biased - he IS being unfair by waking you and his sleep habits overall sound grim.

You both sound unhappy. Bottle of wine alone at 11pm? You feelind squashed b/w DH and wall? Have a look at the big picture and try to find ways to improve things.

BarbaraHavers · 21/09/2025 09:49

Definitely separate rooms. DH and I have had separate rooms for 15 years or more and when we recently moved house, he suggested that maybe we should try sharing a room again. I point blank refused as I love the peace and quiet.

saffy2 · 21/09/2025 09:47

As someone who lives with a snorer. It is absolutely fucking horrendous. Like actually I’ve considered ending a 14 year relationship, 3 kids and a mortgage because I can not cope with it.
weve tried all sorts, currently a mouth guard is working. That was recommended by a special sleep consultant. Becuase my partner took what I was saying seriously eventually and did have investigations. The consultant recommended a specially made mouth guard but said they’re v expensive and so to try a cheaper one first. We went for snoreze and it is helping and so we are just going with that until it stops.
i think you both need to find some snoring solutions. Or separate rooms. But how do you expect him to get you to stop snoring without waking you up? And why are you just letting him continue snoring without trying to stop the snoring?! That doesn’t make you a martyr and
him the devil 🤷🏽‍♀️

WFHforevermore · 21/09/2025 09:45

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 05:08

I am unfortunately wide awake. Even if I did try this, he is up for work at 5.15am, and that would wake me again.

Show quote history

Then why not go to the spare room?

Original poster
fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 09:41

GoldOP · 21/09/2025 09:04

I too was woken at 3:30am by dh telling me I was snoring, I’d only gotten into bed at 1am after work, he was polite about it tho. However he knows I have had a shit week of sleeping due to a mix of my body clock being upside down due to shift work and peri meno insomnia hitting me.
Today is my 5th shift in work (10/12hr shifts) and I have overtime tomo night too whereas he’s just had a long w/end of 4 days off, I honestly think he could have just endured my snoring and let me sleep given he’s not in work today. I think I’ve had about 4hrs broken sleep and it’s been the same all week.
He too was snoring a bit after waking me to tell me I was snoring!!
Off to work shortly with eye bags and looking like the walking dead meanwhile he’s still in bed, wish we had a spare room …

That's utterly shit! Your DH should have let you sleep. How selfish of him, esp as you're working so hard and he has been off! Unreal!

OP posts:
Gingernessy · 21/09/2025 09:40

fastingforweightloss · 21/09/2025 06:57

I honestly don't know, but I'm not thinking clearly right now, because I am so very angry at being awake from 313am.

Lots of things are good, believe it or not. Mostly get along well. Plenty of money. Fantastic holidays long haul. Lots of exciting retirement plans.

Show quote history

If you have plenty of money why does one of you have to sleep in crappy spare room.
Surely you buy a new bed etc and make sure that both of you have a comfortable room to sleep in.

LeaderBee · 21/09/2025 09:40

SALaw · 21/09/2025 04:56

So his snoring annoys you but yours isn’t allowed to annoy him, is that right?

Op isn't the one downing a bottle of wine at 23:00 and then climbing into bed at 3am

These things are not the same.

Beachtastic · 21/09/2025 09:40

Punching the pillow next to your face is really aggressive, as is the "Fuck's sake!"

If either of us is snoring, it's a prod with "Shush" and whoever was the perpetrator turns over with "Sorry."

I suppose lack of sleep can make anyone uncharacteristically angry in the middle of the night. You sound as though you're happy with him generally, so as long as these are not signs of general disrespect, separate rooms might be the solution. You could try it and see, but watch out. I literally can't imagine DH ever treating me like this, sleep deprived or not.

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