Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

You need to sleep separately. The fact that you both snore and have done nothing about it is telling.

TBH it all sounds grim. Why even bother staying together, especially if your child is a grown up and has left home.

Agree!! I won’t use earplugs at the mo as we have young children. That is a future plan for us.

That was such a positive post UNTIL I got to the final paragraph! You really need to change your attitude to separate rooms. You've read umpteen posts by people who are in happy marriages and sleep in separate rooms. I'm one of them.
Change your negative mindset and speak to your husband about how much happier you will both be when you are each getting a good night's sleep. In fact go back and read all the previous posts to reinforce the idea that sleeping separately is good not bad.
I moved into a daughter's old bedroom many years ago. It's been redecorated and is absolutely lovely. Our marriage is going strong*.

*Edited to add: We are not losers! That attitude is so wrong.

He needs to cut down his drinking without a doubt . . .He is drinking far too much.

Think of it this way - if your marriage bed was a tiny single one, where you were both struggling to sleep from being cramped in with no room to spare, would you consider it a portent of doom for your marriage to go and get yourselves a larger bed?

Well it's the same principle, only your problem is not lack of physical space but lack of auditory space. You're being kept awake by the other person's noise which making you stressed and angry. It would be silly not to utilise another room if you have one.

I personally think you both going to bed after 1-2 bottles of wine, snoring then swearing at each other in the night makes you more of a loser than sleeping in a single bed!

Pain in you upper arms likely has nothing to do with lying on them, but with using the wrong pillow for side-sleeping. Need a thicker pillow that makes up the difference between shoulder and head (you need to try out to find the best fit). They're also not very suitable for back sleeping so that solves that as well.

I was always: give me no pillow preferably to a too high pillow. Until about a year and a half ago. New pillow, ruddy expensive memory foam one, and the pain went within a week.

Yeah was going to say separate rooms and if you want to share sometimes then you can once a week or something.

Who does the food shopping? My DH had a tendency to overeat on food like this and therefore has trouble either his weight so I just don’t buy it.

Definitely agree on the bedroom change OP; get yourself a good bed in there.

If you both sleep better, then probably you will get on better too.

You’re not a loser for prioritising your sleep!
You need to get that mindset out of your head.

Well done on your weight loss and healthier lifestyle.
You have changed your eating and drinking habits and now you’re changing your sleeping habits - well done on you on getting healthy.

Ask any doctor or person trainer etc and they will tell you that unless you sort your sleep out you will never be healthy and it’s almost impossible to lose weight if you don’t sleep properly.

me and my husband do this we only sleep together on holiday, past 17 years we have had separate bedrooms, due to my shifts, his snoring etc, we are as happy as larry!

You both snore. You're both suffering. Neither seems dedicated to dealing with it for each other's sake.

Separate bedrooms is the answer. Time to lose the fixed ideas about that.

Your own spaces, decorate as you like, have the mattresses, bedclothes and temperatures that suit you individually, all your stuff that the other one doesn't enjoy, and a decent night's sleep for you both.

You'll be calmer, happier and like each other better.

Then put effort into date night and visiting each other!

(If you were Lord and Lady Whatever, separate bedrooms and little visits would have been absolutely normal.)

Get a nice sofabed for guests.

Sorted.

OP sleeping in separate bedrooms is not 'the beginning of the end'!

That's old-fashioned, melodramatic nonsense.

Most people HAD to make the best of it and stay in the same bed because often there were lots of them living in a tiny space, sometimes even having to share the room with children, so there was nowhere else to go. Times have moved on.

My H and I do sleep in the same bed but are very different sleepers. I sleep very well and he does not. If he's having problems and is restless, or the cat is pestering him 😂 he goes into the other other room. He may stay there the whole night or come back at some point in the morning. It's an entirely normal thing that we do and we don't even think twice about it.

On a separate note, his level of violence and aggression is something for you to reflect on more generally, but it's probably best to get a few nights sleep under your belt first.

When we discussed it and I moved onto a spare room we got a new really comfortable double bed for me. I quite like having my own room and have decorated it to my style. Fix your blind.

As he’s the one who wakes you up, tell him to go to the spare room.

As he’s the one who wakes you up, tell him to go to the spare room.

I find the separate bed reluctance and idea it's so black and white really weird, I would never have thought you had a spare room from the OP.

You can start in the same room, but the first response to not being able to sleep because of the other person is surely to go to the other bed.

Get him to agree:

• you can't sleep because of his snoring, you'll go to the other bed
• he can't sleep for you snoring, he moves
• you can't get comfy because you're trying to not disturb him, you move
• you are asleep and he's coming to bed much later drunk, he goes to the other bed

Basically whoever is asleep gets to stay undisturbed and the awake one gets to go sleep in peace.

I can't see how downing two bottles of wine and drunkenly waking you partner up is more romantic than going to sleep elsewhere, that's a messed up attitude making everyone miserable.

He then falls back to sleep, facing away from me, but shortly rolls so that he is facing me (well, my back), and proceeds to snore into my ear for an hour,

You should have woken the fucker up!

Is he selfish in other aspects too?

If yes, dump the fucker and get a divorce.

I don’t know why you think separate bedrooms is the beginning of the end? Surely it’s better if you both sleep?

So he drinks too much and has double standards.
Yuck, I'd dump