Woekn up at 3.13am, by DH saying "Fuck's sake"

Snoring is a PITA but your DH is not helping by drinking like he does. Any chance of separate rooms? DH and I both snore on and off (colds, weight fluctuations, randomly) and if we wake one another up we potter off into the spare room which we’ve made comfy so it’s not like anyone misses out from going in there.

What is inexplicable? How long do you take to shut off a TV and lights? How many seconds or minutes? Do you think that is the average time for an abled person or are you assuming a disability..ie blindness?

What is inexplicable to me is that you would read “most of the night” and then respond saying I wrote “undisturbed night”

Perhaps reread what I posted and stop trying to read between the lines?

I'm sorry to hear that - and given that you do understand, it makes your "It takes 3mins tops to shut off a TV and lights" comment even more inexplicable.

No but it’s not that bad according to OP, cos they have long haul holidays! Ones where he punches right next to her face, but who can stand to not go on long haul holidays? The bar is so depressingly low. A greedy, dirty, aggressive alcoholic with ED he does nothing about is someone you need to work around and try your best to placate, apparently.

@fastingforweightloss
Im not surprised he’s got ED.
All that drinking, smoking, eating junk and being overweight won’t help.
Also I bet that he won’t see his GP about that either!
Men often get ED a few years before a heart attack, apparently it’s a warning sign that there’s vascular issues building.
The not cleaning teeth before bed is utterly grim. Eeewwwww.

We do have a spare bedroom, I think I will tell him to sleep in there. Beginning of the end imo. We have both always said that is how we view separate bedrooms

It really really isn't. Sharing a bed is a con made up by the poor when they didn't have a choice eons ago. I don't understand why adults need to share a bed, it's a shit nights sleep, on occasion even if not every night. The older we get, our needs change. Especially for women.

I love my room, it's decorated exactly how I want it and is like a giant hug when I close the door. That way we sleep how we want and still like each other during the day, even if one of us struggled to sleep.

I have chronic insomnia due to both PTSD and chemically induced menopause.
I think I may have an understanding of being woken up and not being able to go back to sleep.

Exactly. @fastingforweightloss is working hard to lose weight has encouraged her DH to join her. His response to pork up even more. I really hope he's not driving the following day. I'd be hiding his keys, tipping the wine down the sink, then filling it with soapy water and pouring the crisps in.

I kinda get her rage, disgust, which runs deep and is not just about the snoring

Very true but I don’t think they the one to two bottles of wine and five packets of crisps in a day will be helping her H much either.

As an aside, lots of people who have health conditions are really not able to control their weight.

Have you any idea how annoying snoring is? I had a partner a few years ago who snored like a rutting warthog. Honestly,the noise was unbearable. If he fell asleep before me,that was it. I couldn't get to sleep. Ear plugs were useless because I could still hear the low rumbling of him snoring. It made me feel absolutely murderous towards him.

My husband snores, I moved into the spare room. It was that or an actual hatchet to his head. I can categorically say I actually hated him when I was lying there listening to him snoring. There is NOTHING as bad and nobody ever thinks they are as bad as they are because they can't hear themselves. All is fine and dandy in my house now, I sleep, he sleeps and I don't lie there thinking of ways to take him out.

We’ve had separate rooms for 2 years and we’re both so much happier with each other as we’re getting the rest we need. Menopause has been bloody horrible for me and I overheat every night.

I’d also want to murder him if he wakened me up. He always got up for a pee at 4 in the morning and bang I was then up for the day.

we definitely have a better love life sleeping apart. Our second bedroom was deliberately made as nice as the ‘master’ bedroom.

OP, you need to address your snoring. Find out what's causing it, try to stop it, and if you can't, you need to sleep in separate rooms.

true

but also true that the husband could go and sleep in the other room, it doesn't have to be the OP. Instead of shouting "fucks sakes", he could as easily grab his pillow and go in the spare room.

He's being completely unreasonable.

They both are unreasonable to have a spare bed hidden by tons of crap too 😂

You can love someone to the ends of the earth, but you still need sleep. So I'm not sure why you're using such emotive language there.

OP, you need to address your snoring. Find out what's causing it, try to stop it, and if you can't, you need to sleep in separate rooms. Sleep is one of the most important things in life, that we ALL need. Of course your husband gets annoyed if you're snoring loudly next to him. It's fucking horrible! I know you can't help it, but something needs to be done so you can both sleep.

Let him fall asleep then gently or not so gently roll him off the bed. And tell him to lump it or go sleep in another room 🙄

I'm having a big OP next month so moving into the spare room en suite because I'll be on crutches, sticks. We don't think it's the end of our marriage.

However, getting drunk on copious wine, scarfing down many packets of crisps etc. Being seriously overweight would be an enormous strain. I'd be worrying about his heart, diabetes, his self induced impotence, he's a dead man walking.

BUT if @fastingforweightloss is shopping and buying all this shit, she's an enabler.

fair enough, I should have put as a disclaimer that I am talking about people around me

I've seen friends sleeping in the spare room, or their partner sleeping in the spare room from their 20s, it's just not a big deal of a thing in any way and not related to kids.

AROUND ME, it's more the older generation (from my mum and mums friends, by definition older than me) who always seem shocked that we casually sleep wherever, or that for them it's all or nothing: separate room as a rule, or not at all.

That's where my thoughts were at, not really trying to be ageist.

Yes, it doesn't take long, but the point is OP has to wake up to do it and then she struggles to get back to sleep. I sympathise with her as I have the same problem (unlike my DH who can be unconscious within a minute of his head hitting the pillow). Unless you share this problem, you won't understand.

I massively empathise BUT I just move into the spare room, which I’ve made mine with my favourite sheets/pillow etc. I’ve also moved all of my clothes into that room. I understand why you think he should move: could you tell him that he needs to sleep in the spare room if he goes to bed after you?

It sounds, however, like you’re really angry with him (understandably, I get v pissed off at being woken, plus it doesn’t stop, plus my Dh works shifts, so I get double woken up, although of course he can’t help that). Do you want to stay together?

@FancyQuoter "You are being completely ridiculous, but it might be a generation thing.
Older women often seem very offended at the idea of sleeping in a separate bed, while younger couples don't think twice and it's a complete non issue."
Unfortunately this part of your post was more ridiculous (and ageist) which is a shame as I agree with everything else you wrote.
It's not a generational thing. Couples of all ages make pragmatic decisions about sleeping arrangements depending on their specific needs on a given night. DH and I are in our 60's and although we sleep in the same bed most nights, occasional snoring issues and regular aches and pains (and not being able to get comfortable) mean DH will sometimes take himself off to a spare room for a few hours. Equally, if I'm having a sleepless night (insomnia) I'll go downstairs and watch TV for an hour in the hope of feeling sleepy. Doing this means nothing to us and we certainly don't see it as being the start of the end of our 43yr marriage. I can absolutely see why young couples with babies would adjust their sleeping arrangements to get a good night's sleep, but "older women" (and men) do the same to accommodate discomfort from their aching joints, amongst other reasons.

Why are you cooking him dinner? Picking up his dirty pants? Doing his washing?
He punched the pillow next to you once? I'd be gone.
But I don't agree that he should stay awake not telling you to stop snoring. That's fine to wake you and tell you. If he then snores himself, you wake him up also.
Sounds like a very unhappy marriage.

We've been married 30 years and have been in separate bedrooms for the last 20 years. Our marriage is as strong as ever. We get on in so many ways apart from sleeping together!