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Original poster

School anxiety

81 replies

Lucy2586 · 20/09/2025 20:07

So my daughter started high school going from 300 primary to 3000 in high School. She got massive anxiety I took her to the doctor, he said stop pushing giving her a little time off and try again. So the other the welfare officer came. He said most kids that do this have ODD. I don’t agree with that. She is difficult, she is different but not intentionally defiant.

We need to try again on Monday, she is going in to meet the SEN team and trying to find an approach that makes it easier for her. I know teachers are busy but they’ve just brushed me off mostly. I did keep her off for a week on advise from the doctor but they’ve just brushed think that’s a bad idea and he even told me he knows kids that have lost the use of muscles in thier legs from staying in their room. That’s not what is going on here. She wants to go but she is really scared and now I am really anxious. What if I can’t get her there on Monday? I am not lazy parent, I have always worked and she got top marks in SATs apart from maths.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucy2586 · 20/09/2025 21:05

KarmenPQZ · 20/09/2025 20:55

Are there smaller schools around? I’d be tempted to say you’ve made a mistake in picking the school and to reassess now before it’s a bigger issue and she’s missed too much time catch up?

It was suggested that a smaller school might be better and if that is the case I will be totally onboard. Yes the attendance guy got her in front of him and said so what about a nice car, a nice house when you’re older. Shes 11 that’s not even on her radar. He was nice but totally shit.

He told her I will be fined and could go to prison. Again at 11 i do not think she quite grasps it.

She is 100% on the spectrum. Definitely hog functioning but threatening her with not having a nice car etc is definitely not going to wash with her. Guilt won’t either positive reinforcement. Why do these arseholes come round talking absolute shit and make it worse.

OP posts:
stovokor · 20/09/2025 21:02

There’s loads you can do, if the school are of a mind to help. Meeting with the SENCO is a great first step. They could give her a ‘soft landing’ in the morning, with somebody to greet her and a quiet place for her to go. A quiet place to go between lessons, and/or a pass to leave lessons a couple of minutes before everyone else (with a friend) when the corridors are quiet. Google school anxiety / EBSA.
On the whole I advise not keeping her off because the longer you avoid the thing that makes you anxious, the more scary it seems when it’s time to go back. I suggest she goes back, with adaptations.
If she won’t go in on Monday, can you take emergency time off work to take her in yourself? Ring first thing and ask for somebody to meet you and her by main reception (you might need to me flexible with who this is but ideally a member of the pastoral team). Come in in time to meet this person (even if it’s late morning) so you can hand her over to somebody, have a quick word face to face and arrange a more formal meeting with SENCO /HoY/Pastoral lead for later in the week.

KarmenPQZ · 20/09/2025 20:55

Are there smaller schools around? I’d be tempted to say you’ve made a mistake in picking the school and to reassess now before it’s a bigger issue and she’s missed too much time catch up?

GarlicBreadStan · 20/09/2025 20:52

Lucy2586 · 20/09/2025 20:51

She does not know why she is anxious. I have tried everything to get her to explain. From being little she hated change and hates being around people she does not know.

The attendance guy said well some parents want a diagnosis so theu can just stay home and do not encourage their kids to go to school. I have always worked. I hate sitting around watching tv it makes me depressed. I did leave work recently to try to deal with this situation and be there for her. I am really insulted that he thinks I want a diagnosis for money. Considering the waiting list is about 4 years long. That blows his theory out of the water.

She is very clever why would I not want her to reach her potential? Her father my ex blamed me too.i knew she would struggle so let her have a phone to engage with friends over the holidays but as soon as school started those friendships fell apart. Her father my has stopped paying child support as punishment for my shit parenting.

Show quote history

I'd have been so tempted to smack the attendance guy. You're not guaranteed money even with a diagnosis. It really does sound like an awfully tough situation. You're not a shit parent. You're a parent who needs support, who isn't getting any x

Original poster
Lucy2586 · 20/09/2025 20:51

GarlicBreadStan · 20/09/2025 20:23

Is she able to explain what it is exactly that makes her anxious? I know going from 300 students to 3000 isn't easy in itself, but are there any other specific reasons?

I would just like to gently point out that people with ODD aren't intentionally defiant. I'm not here to armchair diagnose your daughter, as I'm not a professional and even if I was, professionals can't diagnose someone just based off of a bit of text, but whether she has ODD or not, she's not intentionally being defiant either way x

I hope you and your daughter get some support soon x

She does not know why she is anxious. I have tried everything to get her to explain. From being little she hated change and hates being around people she does not know.

The attendance guy said well some parents want a diagnosis so theu can just stay home and do not encourage their kids to go to school. I have always worked. I hate sitting around watching tv it makes me depressed. I did leave work recently to try to deal with this situation and be there for her. I am really insulted that he thinks I want a diagnosis for money. Considering the waiting list is about 4 years long. That blows his theory out of the water.

She is very clever why would I not want her to reach her potential? Her father my ex blamed me too.i knew she would struggle so let her have a phone to engage with friends over the holidays but as soon as school started those friendships fell apart. Her father my has stopped paying child support as punishment for my shit parenting.

OP posts:
GarlicBreadStan · 20/09/2025 20:23

Is she able to explain what it is exactly that makes her anxious? I know going from 300 students to 3000 isn't easy in itself, but are there any other specific reasons?

I would just like to gently point out that people with ODD aren't intentionally defiant. I'm not here to armchair diagnose your daughter, as I'm not a professional and even if I was, professionals can't diagnose someone just based off of a bit of text, but whether she has ODD or not, she's not intentionally being defiant either way x

I hope you and your daughter get some support soon x