Is this an underhand comment

my mum is not happy that I put up with a lot. She does regularly make comments though

She makes comments because she is not happy that you are not happy.
I don't think the comments are to make you feel bad (unless you know that she is a spiteful or cruel person). They are to try and make you take action to improve your life. You are her child and she loves you - how frustrated and concerned she must be, to watch you carry on in an unhappy marriage.

So - do you think she is spiteful and cruel? Or do you think she is frustrated about your situation?

Some people aren’t bothered by Birthdays it’s just another day if you want a fuss sort it yourself, comments from others won’t change his attitude and if it did they were doing it because they felt they had to rather than wanting to.

She's trying to get your kids to mither your DP into making an effort.

Does your DP get you anything from the children?

It sounds like she sees you’re not being valued and you’re not in a happy marriage and is holding a mirror up to you.

Been there. In my case, my mum would have said nothing and if anything would have been like "oh men aren't in to that kind of thing, you're being princessy"

But if she had been the one to step in and do it, it would have annoyed my partner (now ex). Since he's a man that's something she would never do have done, Men are VIPs in her book. And honestly it probably would have made me feel even sadder. And my ex would have told me it was pathetic/childish etc.

You know the characters best but mum's position could be tricky here. Is she annoyed on your behalf and trying to fix it?

Every year it made me sad how my partner made no effort, and when other people made a big effort or even a small effort that meant a lot, it also highlighted the contrast - that my nearest and dearest couldn't be bothered. Or because birthdays weren't a big deal for him, he didn't get it despite being repeatedly told. The only world where he might have made a fuss at all would have been if I had no other loved ones at all. But I do so either he thought they had it covered, and he could opt out, or he hated having to compete with them......he was a contrary type.

Posters are suggesting you treat him the same. If i had decided not do anything for his, in retaliation, that would have made me feel sad like a a couple we NEVER marked any occasion or went out, but even worse, it also would not have bothered him in the slightest!

I mean I guess you could organise something fab for just you and the kids but that's not ideal either and they'll get the message that he's selfish/uncaring/miserable. (Which might be true)

Your mum loves you and knows you deserve better.

It must be awful seeing your kid with an unkind/lazy/thoughtless partner.

If you know tnd problem is your DH why are you putting up with it?

Yep, it may not have been intended to upset you, but it would have been upsetting to the children who wanted to get you something.

Sounds like your mum is trying to ensure your kids get their dad to step up. I'd take them myself, give them the money to get stuff and just hover, but let them feel they've done it themselves. When it comes to husbands birthday there would be no effort from me at all.

Why do you suspect she’s being spiteful op? Has she got form? Because in the face of it, it sounds like she’s trying to remind dh / the kids to make a fuss.

Sorry OP, if you were to be really honest with yourself she’s holding a mirror up to your marriage and you don’t like the reflection.

How is your mum rubbing salt in the wound.?
Your “Darling” husband is saying that as if this is a situation out of his hands and he can’t do anything to change it.

Hes being a shit uncaring husband and not doing anything for your birthday even when he knows it upsets you and your children.

Try directing your anger at the right person. It’s not your mum.

I totally agree - so you’re at home alone with your dm, and your children, no dh present? That’s when you and your mum should be able to speak privately and you share how horrid it is that your dh doesn’t make much effort, dm listens, and then hopefully takes kids out to get you something - that’s what you’d expect a supportive mum to do…… I’d call her out on it.
’Mum why are you saying that to the kids when you know dh makes no effort and it upsets me. It would be really great if you wouldn’t mind helping them get me something please’.

Your mum sounds like a cowbag - her comment was nasty and unnecessary. You need to have a word and tell her to stop.

Do absolutely fuck all for your H’s next birthday other than sending him a card from your children. If he gets arsey, feign ignorance and remind him that adult birthdays aren’t a thing in your household … let him stew on that

How do you feel about not getting made a fuss of on your birthday? What were birthdays like for you as a child? I do think your mum is being pointed and it must be pretty annoying. But I think you do need to have more agency both in dealing with her and with the situation with your DH if there is one. I am assuming there is one otherwise you would just nip things in the bud with your mum by saying something breezy like ‘oh I don’t like a fuss made of me, there’s no need for the kids to do anything’.

This is what my DM would do . After she’d given DH a kick up the arse!

So your husband gets upset at being reminded that he never buys your present and doesn't take your children to buy your present either? Will boo-hoo for him.

Why on earth isn't your mum doing something about this as well? She could easily take the children to buy you something for your birthday.

Unpleasant mother having a dig, waster partner.
You deserve better.

Tell your mum to drop it, she's not helping.

I hope you don't buy him anything for any occasion in return.

Tell your mum you're not bothered about birthday presents and stop going on about it (even if it's not true), tell you partner to take the children to get you a present, tell him they have told you they want to and they will be disappointed if they don't get to. If choosing presents is not his thing give him a list! And don't set expectations too high, although it sounds like you don't anyway, have a fun birthday, make yourself a nice birthday tea (for the whole family) and make a cake with the children.

It sounds like DM is trying to get the kids to prompt their dad into not being useless... If that's not going to work she probably needs to tone down what she says to the kids so that it's something they can realistically do for themselves. They can't go out and get loads of presents but they could make you a card.

She's right though, your dh isn't making enough effort for you

I would understand if she was making the digs in front of him! But she isn’t, so it’s pointless, and only serves to make you feel worse 🙁
I will never understand how some men can be so useless though.

There must be backstory here? Is she normally spiteful?