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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

220 replies

Dinomore · 20/09/2025 16:58

My eldest DS is 26, I have 2 younger children and currently we are financially just about getting by so can’t afford to travel.
Last January my DS and his girlfriend (who he had known for 5 months at that point and had only met while backpacking) decided to live there life in a less conventional way. Basically they pick a city and just stay there for about 4-8 weeks at a time, really integrate, make friends, join clubs, live like locals rather than tourists. They can only do this as my son inherited some (not loads) of money from his paternal grandparents and she had money from her family. He makes money doing some freelance video editing for YouTube and she does some freelance translation work.
They are very happy with how they are living right now and see no hurry to change it.

However this means I haven’t actually seen my son since last January. He keeps telling me he will come home and visit as he knows fine well I can’t afford to fly anywhere and visit him, but hasn’t and today told me they won’t be back for Christmas either. Her dad has gone to visit them but like I said I really can’t afford to as with two younger children it would have to be in school holidays and we are really only just getting by.

It is starting to really upset me and make me wonder if he is avoiding me, I hear of so many young adults going low contact with their parents and I really don’t want that to be what he is doing. I’m so happy he is living his life in a way that makes him happy and I know it’s got to be such a lovely enriching way to live, but I’d love if they could make a mini one week stop off with us just so I could see him again.

AIBU to be hurt or is he just living his life how hr sees fit and I just have to save really hard if I want to see him anytime soon?

OP posts:
SnoreyCat · 20/09/2025 20:32

Squigglydums · 20/09/2025 20:12

It’s great that he is exploring but visiting you for Christmas after two years is not a big ask and is quite selfish. we sll have to make compromises and your adult son needs to learn this if he wants to maintain relationships. It’s not all about him. It’s not all about you but there needs to be a balance somewhere.

This is ridiculous. Of course his life style is all his choice. Our adult kids do not owe us Christmas visits and I can’t think of anything worse than spending time with my adult children because they feel obliged.

OP, why is the financial burden of the visit your son’s to bear? If he travels home it is either the cost of two flights for him and his girlfriend, or presumably her accommodation costs double whilst he is away. Perhaps they are ‘just getting by’ too. It’s not your son’s responsibility to make this happen.

zerofeeling · 20/09/2025 20:32

So he was an only child until you had your other dc when he was in his mid/late teens? That must have been a big upheaval in his life, did he feel resentful towards you?

It's a very long time not to have seen him, I would be (secretly) hurt too but he sounds very resourceful and really engaged with living his life so I would also feel proud of him.

AmandaHoldensLips · 20/09/2025 20:32

Try not to let it get to you. You are no longer a priority in his life. He's not bothered about making a trip home to spend time with you, or he would have done it by now.

You could think of it like a phase in his life, and hope that in years to come he might gravitate back towards you in a healthy way. But your job is done. You've raised him and he's an independent adult who probably doesn't really think much about what used to be "home" but isn't any more.

SixtySomething · 20/09/2025 20:32

Dinomore · 20/09/2025 20:25

I’m not concerned about his lifestyle. I just miss him and feel hurt that he hasn’t wanted to visit.

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Fair enough. Personally, I would also be concerned. But you're quite right to be hurt by the situation.

SixtySomething · 20/09/2025 20:29

MyAcornWood · 20/09/2025 17:38

Your dig about not being with the girlfriend long before they went travelling makes it sound like it really just boils down to the fact that you’re bitter he’s chosen her over you, or that’s how you perceive it. Good for him, that he’s out there, living his life and experiencing the world, you must’ve raised him to have confidence in himself and his choices.
Feeling upset is reasonable, of course you miss him, but feeling hurt isn’t, imo, as that implies to me that you feel he’s acting in a malicious way, and I just don’t think he is! It sounds harsh but it simply isn’t his problem or his fault that you can’t afford flights to see him, but there’s nothing that makes me think he’s actively avoiding you!

Edited

Sorry but I can see no bitterness in OP's post. She's clearly a loving and concerned parent.
I'm afraid this post is very slanted.

DancingInTheMoonlights · 20/09/2025 20:28

Cucy · 20/09/2025 19:49

If you would like to adopt me and pay for me to travel around the world, I would happily accept 😊😊

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Haha, I do believe you will require a chaperone though! Off we go… 😂✈️🎟️

Original poster
Dinomore · 20/09/2025 20:25

SixtySomething · 20/09/2025 20:24

Of course, you're right be be upset and also concerned.
26 is very young, even if adult.
He could be getting into all sorts of trouble with someone whom it sounds like you hardly know.
All the posts saying 'it isn't about you' are absolutely ridiculous. Please take no notice.
If you have never been in the position of having adult children, you will not understand they still need their family's concern and attention.

I’m not concerned about his lifestyle. I just miss him and feel hurt that he hasn’t wanted to visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dinomore · 20/09/2025 20:24

NoPrivateSpy · 20/09/2025 20:20

Can’t you save to fly him back for a weekend if you can’t afford to fly all of you over? I think I would be having the conversation to say you would like to see him, his siblings would also like to see him and you miss him. It doesn’t sound like there is any real pressing reason why he can’t schedule in a holiday to see you? More communication needed I think.

Realistically not with any speed. All my spare money goes into funding family holidays with my younger children, Christmas etc. and they all have to be done on a tight budget.
He is also earning every month so can afford the flights + his inheritance etc.

OP posts:
SixtySomething · 20/09/2025 20:24

Of course, you're right be be upset and also concerned.
26 is very young, even if adult.
He could be getting into all sorts of trouble with someone whom it sounds like you hardly know.
All the posts saying 'it isn't about you' are absolutely ridiculous. Please take no notice.
If you have never been in the position of having adult children, you will not understand they still need their family's concern and attention.

NoPrivateSpy · 20/09/2025 20:20

Can’t you save to fly him back for a weekend if you can’t afford to fly all of you over? I think I would be having the conversation to say you would like to see him, his siblings would also like to see him and you miss him. It doesn’t sound like there is any real pressing reason why he can’t schedule in a holiday to see you? More communication needed I think.

Motherbear44 · 20/09/2025 20:19

Dinomore · 20/09/2025 20:06

He’s been all over, Europe sometimes but also South America, Africa, South East Asia, Australia etc. right now they are in Vancouver and going to Buenos Aires next.

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He is living his best life. I would be so happy for him. You say that he sends messages. That is not non-contact - that is very much a millennial way of keeping in touch. I would engage with this - even buy the younger ones a wall map putting pins of where he has been. Show him how you follow his life. Of course it is not the same as having him sitting on your sofa and making him a cup of tea - but he is keeping in touch.

He will never be able to turn around to you and say “what if ….?”.

Flakey99 · 20/09/2025 20:14

I wouldn’t worry about him not being in touch. I think it’s quite normal for adult sons to focus on living their lives rather than keeping you informed of what he’s up to.

We live abroad from our 2 adult DS and their families and if we see them once every couple of years, that’s good going.

Make time for video calls and try and catch up that way?

Squigglydums · 20/09/2025 20:12

It’s great that he is exploring but visiting you for Christmas after two years is not a big ask and is quite selfish. we sll have to make compromises and your adult son needs to learn this if he wants to maintain relationships. It’s not all about him. It’s not all about you but there needs to be a balance somewhere.

MoominMai · 20/09/2025 20:07

outerspacepotato · 20/09/2025 17:04

He's a fully independent adult out enjoying a nice lifestyle and relationship and has cut the apron strings. You're being unreasonable. It's not about you. He's still communicating with you, right?

Have to agree. I first thought DS was 21 or something but he’s 26 so I’d have thought that’s a normal age at which you’d start seeing your child less - and in fact would encourage it! In DS defence also, he’s embracing a full on digital nomad lifestyle for a bit and it wouldn’t be so immersive if he’s coming home inbetween then to see his family especially if he has to be extra cautious about where his limited income goes. Also, he has a GF and that changes the situation a little.

OP just be there for him and be proactive about scheduling FaceTime. As we oldies know, our 20s fly by. I’d just let him do his own thing and be proud you raised a child keen to adventure and explore before the seriousness of adulthood calls!

Original poster
Dinomore · 20/09/2025 20:06

Espressosummer · 20/09/2025 19:26

Are they in Europe or further afield? Because if its Europe that can just be a weekend trip for you. Is the dad of your younger children in the picture, if so could he have them for a week while you visit your eldest?

He’s been all over, Europe sometimes but also South America, Africa, South East Asia, Australia etc. right now they are in Vancouver and going to Buenos Aires next.

OP posts:
cupfinalchaos · 20/09/2025 20:03

SodOffbacktoaibu · 20/09/2025 20:01

@cupfinalchaos that's really sad 😢

Thank you Flowers She finds it really hard despite having loads of friends.. and me!

theresnolimits · 20/09/2025 20:03

My son moved to the USA for work when he was 26. During Covid we didn’t see him for more than two years and we average about once a year going to see him. He never comes back as there are so many other places to go.

But I’ve always felt close to him as we’re in constant contact via Whatapp. This is normal in today’s world OP.

Vitriolinsanity · 20/09/2025 20:03

God, I’d miss him like crazy whilst gnawing off my own lips to beg him for a cuddle.

Original poster
Dinomore · 20/09/2025 20:03

Can I just clarify, I haven’t seen him since January 2024. They are both earning well, he has contracts with some creators that create reliable work as does she.
They aren’t blowing through money.

As for integrating I guess they feel like they are getting a better feel for a city than if they just passed through for a week and stayed in hostels. They go to sports clubs etc. and meet locals many they have stayed in touch with. His girlfriend is a polyglot so that helps.

I didn’t see him loads but about once every couple of months before he left. My other children are 7 and 9. He messages often but few calls etc.

OP posts:
SodOffbacktoaibu · 20/09/2025 20:01

@cupfinalchaos that's really sad 😢

cupfinalchaos · 20/09/2025 20:00

My brother went to live in LA and because of the stingy holiday entitlement there he only comes home to see our mum every 2/3 years and only for a couple of days. Of course it’s his life and he can “do what he wants”. Doesn’t mean it hasn’t ruined my mum’s life.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 20/09/2025 19:57

While it's OK to feel devastated and miss him terribly he's living the life that I suspect many would love to live.

Freedom of not being tied to one place for long can seem a real plus for some people while they're able to do so.

For many of us when younger moving out of the house you grew up in and into your own place was full of excitement and we probably never looked back or gave a second thought to our parents and how they'd feel.

Let him have his journey through life as he wants, hopefully he'll settle down in one place once he's seen all the places on his list and you'll see more of him.

Original poster
Dinomore · 20/09/2025 19:57

Viviennemary · 20/09/2025 17:25

Not surprised you are worried about his lifestyle ch9ice. Squandering his inheritance and not earning anything. What is he going to do when the money runs out.

He is earning, most of their costs are covered by his freelance work and hers. Flights is about the only thing they use inheritance for.

OP posts:
CharlieKirkRIP · 20/09/2025 19:55

All of ours have taken a year old/gap year at some point to travel. It’s character building and they make so many contacts around the world.

This is not going to be forever and of course you miss him but there are so many ways to keep in touch and you should be thankful for him leading an independent life with someone he cares about and is out there seeing the world.

Silvertulips · 20/09/2025 19:54

If you are only just getting by, what are you doing to change that?

Better paid job? Education?

Extra shifts? Second job?