To be devastated in how long it’s been since I last got to see DS

Are you seriously suggesting that he should use his inheritance to come and see you so that you don't have to dip into your holiday fund?

You are prioritizing your younger dc. Fair enough, but you don't then get to whinge when he prioritizes himself and his gf.

Sounds like you were the one who started a new life first, imo you should save a bit harder to make the effort for your eldest and show him by your actions how much he means to you.

I honestly think you need to readjust. He's a grown adult with his own life. Even if he had emigrated to say, Australia permanently you would need to accept you won't see him frequently. He's travelling and working and just living his life.

Do you keep in touch in other ways?? Contact doesn't have to be face to face in person.

It's okay to miss him but not to be churlish or needy about it.

I'd actually be really proud OP. It sounds like you've raised a confident, educated, adventurous adult who is living a fantastic life.

Our children are only on loan to us while they're dependent.
I don't think I thought about my mother throughout my 20's, they were the years of fun, we grew close again as life settled down.
There is always video calls.
When I was a child, if someone went travelling it really was goodbye for years, other than the odd postcard.

And if you hadn't gone on to have two more kids, you could afford to go visit him. What's your point? He's living his life how he has chosen with someone he loves. You're doing the same. He isn't being selfish in any way here.

Perhaps some of your money should be prioritised to visiting your older child instead of just the younger ones? Next time he's in Europe perhaps?

This, that's actually really sad, especially if that's how you express yourself to him.
"It's more important to me to do stuff with my new family than you"
Has that how you've been with him since you began new relationship and had the younger dc? When did he move out of the family home?

If he's only been doing this for 5 months with the girlfriend why have you not seen him since last Jan? Could.you go and visit without the younger kids?

And he's probably equally hurt that his mum hasn't made the effort to come and see him, either.

I have a parent who never made the effort to come and visit me once I left home and it really stung. I go and visit them, but our relationship still isn't the same and I'm almost 40 now.

Your son grew up and left home and in his eyes, you replaced him with younger siblings (different dad?) and now all your time and money goes on them. That hurts no matter how old you are.

Sounds like he is just enjoying his life rather than cutting you out. He probably doesn't have a whole load of disposable cash to make an international trip to see you. Just keep the contact up. You can let him know you miss him in a way that isn't a guilt trip. x

Tell him you miss him and ask if ye can do FaceTime once a month, surely he has loads to talk about as he is living such an interesting life, so tell him you and his siblings want to hear about it, have the kids in the FaceTime as well

I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn in saying the more we move towards a country that doesn’t appeal to a great many of our youth , the more we are likely to see younger people with skills that they can use elsewhere move elsewhere - there are over 65 country’s that offer nomad visas if you can work from anywhere and have consistent provable income and don’t need to work within that country’s economy - plus of course if you are moving around and only staying 4-8 weeks you don’t actually even need to obtain a nomad visa - within of course the various ‘length of time for staying’ obligations. Nowhere is perfect but it often feels less of an issue if you are not ‘stuck’ somewhere - my son has already said if Farage gets in, he’s off - but likelihood is we will beat him to it - as we all would be able to use initial nomad visas if necessary -( up to 2 years) - the fact is OP he is totally entitled to base himself where he wishes as an adult and see you when he is in a position to do so or can be arsed to fork out to do so - it’s hurtful I know ( and I’ve been there) but just keep in touch, message frequently and just show you care, gulp back any disapproval . I have several friends in Aus and BZ and in one case the other way round -parents over there who physically haven’t seen family for 6 or 7 years

OP, gently, read this back. You are saying that you are prioritizing spending disposable income on your younger children rather than saving it to see your son. Rightfully so imo, but it is a choice. In the same way that your son is making a choice about how to spend his time and disposable income.

It sounds like he’s living an amazing and fulfilling life. Not minimizing how much you miss him, but you can’t put it on him to facilitate you seeing each other.

Before I knew DH he travelled round the world for almost 2 years. I’m a bit jealous I didn’t get that opportunity and this was back before the internet.

Does he msg or FaceTime because if he does then chill out.

You went on and had a new family, who take priority over him and now you’re cross you’re not his priority?

Best way to lose your children, and even more so your children-in-law, is becoming the parent from hell DEMANDING to see people at Christmas.
How bizarre that , as a parent, you don't want to see your children because they are obligated to, as opposed to look forward to the visit?

we sll have to make compromises and your adult son needs to learn this if he wants to maintain relationships.
hes' being a normal child - it's his mother who is at risk of losing the relationship if she gets the same attitude as you.

What "compromise" does he need to make? He has his whole life ahead of him!

You’ve got two young children you say? How is that your elder son’s problem? He’s just living his life as an adult. So yes YABU and you’ll have to save won’t you.

My son was in Vancouver for a year. . My other son came with me to visit the son in Vancouver and he then went to Australia. I haven’t seen him now since July 24 and miss him so much. I am going in November to visit in Oz .
Can you offer to pay for airfare for him to visit .
My daughter is desperately missing her brother because she has 2 children and will not be in a position to travel to Oz for a long time!
We will pay his airfare to come back next year even if just for a visit.
I do completely get it OP but on the other hand I would rather happy sons over seeing them regularly but unfulfilled.
Don’t take it personally it is perfectly normal for adult children not to miss their parents much . It doesn’t mean they don’t love us !

it's only been a couple of years! Let him be, he's getting travel out of his sytem, it's not about you.

Maybe he doesnt' feel like his girlfriend would be very welcome and is keen to avoid that?

I also have 2 step sons, the older one (in the same age bracket as your ds) moved to the USA and has barely spoken to his dad in the 7 years since he moved, even more hurtful his mum died 5 years before that, so DH felt absolutely devastated, he didn't come home when his grandmother died 2 years ago either. The younger one has 'failed to take flight' which is far worse than them not visiting, he hasn't left home, is unable to access work and sits in his room all day... It's a common issue in this age group it sounds like your son is choosing to embrace life, yes he's young, yes they do still need their families but they largely get to make choices of what that looks like. Also, the age gap between siblings is large so he may not feel a need to visit them in the same way as they'd like to see him

I understand, OP. It will be two years in January since you've seen him. I strongly disapprove of that since it sounds like he could afford to come home for a visit. But then, I'm a family person and I do think that adult kids owe their parents at least some minimal time and attention, assuming a non-dysfunctional or abusive background.

My parents have passed now, but I was always careful not to hurt their feelings by being as selfish as your son has been. Not since January 2024 is a really long time, and he must surely know that you love him and miss him. I would be really hurt in your shoes. But I don't think there's anything you can do about it beyond gently inquiring when he might be back next. Apart from that, you might as well enthusiastically support his lifestyle and girlfriend choice even if you're not feeling it, because there's nothing you can do about any of it. Sorry you got one of "those" adult kids. (The ones who are just selfish and have no thought for the parents who love them and brought them up.)

what now?

It's bad enough to hear the anxiety about 16 or 17 year old, but he's 26!!!
He's not "very young", he's a fully grown adult 😂

If you have never been in the position of having adult children, you will not understand they still need their family's concern and attention.
They need to know they always have a room in your house, it's their home too, but they don't need a hand hold!

All the posts saying 'it isn't about you' are absolutely ridiculous.
They really are not. He's living his best life, he doesn't need a distraught mummy to bother him.

If the OP has 7 and 9 year old children, she's not a fragile OAP a bit anxious about the world, she's likely a middle age woman who can miss her child, of course, but be chilled about it.